No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Yep my book sucks, makes close to no money. The haters where right. I was 27. Young, wanted to be known for something. I am now 35, and nothing to show but some wisdom, and an opiate addiction.
I did fall in love. We are together since 2015. No kids, not married. I bet your life looks alot better to you now? Lol.
I do work at a real job.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Been in relationship and am engaged to my dream man. Off dope both us. He's sitting time, I'm in day treatment on Suboxone and plan on getting the vivitrol shot in 3-4 weeks. My fiancé will be getting his shot upon his release.
Lots has gone down since last post. Moved to Ohio, lived in a tent for months, bummed cigarettes, pan handled, used black tar. Almost lost my right leg.
Stay tuned for the whole story in chronological Order!!! I promise it's not boring...
Thursday, December 3, 2015
I guess I was 22 when I got strung out on smack, and before that I never really saw what being a junky at 32 would be like. Maybe glimpses here and there from documentaries about drugs, or read about the future awaiting me in books about addicts. I wish before getting hooked I had to live with a older junky for a few months at least. To see the hustling I'd be doing just to feel normal. The pain and suffering I would cause those who love and\or care about me & whom I love and care about. To see how anyone I thought was a friend and was doing drugs with, was not a true friendship, but rather a mutual need to use one and other. Eventually one fucks the other over for a 4 hour high.
I only saw and read what I wanted about being a needle junky would be like. Sure my idols who were hooked were dead of suicide, but their lives, short as they mwlooked, at least from what the media made public about them, glamorous and cool. Plus they were well off financially if not down right wealthy. Their junky problems would be much much different than the average junky's problems are! I like to see myself as at least margially smarter than the average person, in realty I am nothing but a pseudo intellectual. I might read a tad more than the average person I grew up with. Maybe kept my mind a little more open than my peers, even a little too open. That with a healthy helping of little to no self-esteem and self respect, vanity, valued my life and health not at all! Made fun of throughout my entire schooling. Sexualized too young by a pedophilie, lost close family member paternal grandmother, very attached to, passed away from cancer at a formative age and a month and a half later suicide of paternal grandfather carried out at home I lived in, body found by my father and the same night watched as my father drunkenly mourned his loss by trying to kill himself. Remember being scared, bending a spoon till it broke, not sheding a tear as my mother and younger sister plead with him to stop trying to kill himself. Suicide obsession begins within two years if that death. Age 9 I make first real attempt to kill myself by inhaling plastic bag, scaring myself and getting plastic out of throat never telling anyone about it until adulthood. Boy crazy 12-14, acted out as a young teen on sexual craving. Masturbatung using anything. Running away from home, hanging out with the kids who had little paternal supervision and considered hoodlums or "dirtballs" kids who hung out in our small town of 2,220 people, main street, drank alcohol when available and some smoked grass if they had the chance. Having sex with each other, typical small town poor family stuff. My parents were far from poor, and didn't let me or my sister run amok without supervision and knowing where we were who was with. At 13 I rebelled and hard. Grew apart from my childhood best friend, as I wanted to smoke, fuck, drink, party, mostly craving for the attention of bad boys, but not being the best looking 13 yr old girl; didn't grow into my features until late 15, 16ish. By then I had lost my virginity in a way the whole school knew the next day, the boy didn't even like me; but I had a crush on him. Wanted to not be a virgin, opportunity arose and I put out/ tried of at end of 7th grade summer after running away from home from that night to kill myself with Tylenol. Wound up in my first Psych Ward for two weeks right before school started for my 8th grade year. Whole school knew about it, and I had almost fully pulled away from my friends and was bow a loner. Ate lunch alone, sat alone reading during recess, picked on by male class mates, some female especially older girls.
By the end of that year shaved my head, stopped wearing name brands, stopped trying to make friends and got into music and art heavily. Had a home computer with Internet back in the AOL chat room days, and spent most my time on that. By Freshman I gained some weight, and got a fat complex even though I wasn't fat, but not fit like my old friends who were now in sports and cheerleading were, still 14 my face had not grown into its features had bad hair just started getting longer after being shaved 9 months before. Sorta kept to myself Freshman year. Recall the disappointment felt that high school was the same as middle school that year. Got invited to skip 8th hour with a group of boys in my grade, and went to a house where one boy gave me 5 shot's of whiskey in a row then took me into a bedroom and had sex with me. The others listened or watched I was blacked out when I came to a different boy was having sex with me, slapping me, putting his penis in my mouth making me sick him off, then he turned me over on my stomach and put his penis in my anus until he came in my ass. The other boys had left school was over and busses had left already, he dragged me back to the high school as I cried and asked what happened. A girls basketball game was that early evening and a girl who I had been friends with in 7th grade took me to her parents house and let me shower and put on lost and found clothes, sobered me up, let me tell her what I remember ed but never said anything about saying no or claiming rape, I was drunk and remember kissing the first boy willingly. She took me to the basketball game and by that time when I walked in everyone in the whole school herd that I fucked two boys, with the same condom but turned inside out apparently. I never saw a condom, and recall cum coming out of my vagina and ass and in my hair. Word spread that my pussy smelled so bad like fish that e girls room this happened in knew sex had happened ed in her bed which was also broken apparently. I was called a slut until my mom finally picked me up. I never told her, but the rumors spread so fast that the next day I was pulled out of class by the vice principal and asked if it was all true, and if I said yes. I said it was true and I was fully aware and awake the entire time and never said no. The two boys were scared shitless I would call rape, and tried to reward me for not saying anything by telling me it was cool of me, but still when with a greof people called me a bed breaking slut they didn't stop them they just couldn't look me in the eye anymore, sophomore year I came back with linger hair, thinner, bigger chest, and my face had finally grown into its features, plus the boys thought I was easy and I was getting invited to high school beer parties in the woods. Made a friend with a freshman girl and she introduced me to a group of guys in their late teens early 20's graduated and©ir dropped out of high school and bought alcohol and had parties every night at their messy house. I had not had sex since the two guys blackout a year before, but still boys tried to get me drunk and alone see if I would put out, but I was a depressed drunk and always cried and wanted to die and would get left with no ride home from the party. Then someone told me that one if the older guys who lived at the party house liked me, and I had never had someone like me before and one night he asked me to go to a football game with him, and to the party afterward in the woods with him as a date. We hung out that night and kissed. And he asked for my number but I figured once he sobered up he's want to get with the pretty girls. He called me the next day after school and wanted me to come over that night and watch movies and drink beer with him. We were a couple ever since that night, and my life became not about school or parties, but being 15 in a relationship with a almost 21 year old man. He tried to get. Me pregnant at 15, but my mom got me in birth control shots as soon as she learned I wasn't a virgin back when I was 13. Being put on depi shot so young is one of the reasons I have very little chance of ever getting pregnant now as an adult. My grades slipped and by the time I was 16 he was bringing me into the bar with him, and beating me, telling me how ugly, fat, dumb, unwantable, I am and how I was lucky that he even acknowledgd me in public. Every job I got he would sit there my whole shift and make sure iI didn't talk to anyone, one restaurant kicked him out and he slashed the owners tires and pulled me out if work by my hair, I turned 17 got into the alternative highschool and got my grades back up, and was back with my class on schedule to graduate, early if I wanted, at 18 I became a bar tender and my dad got prescribed oxytocin 20's I was in cross country running and played softball for the bar I worked for. My highschool peers were not around, and my boyfriend could not keep me hidden anymore. I got so much male attention and met other people that liked the type of books and music I was into. My self-esteem leaped and bounded forward. My hair was to my ass and naturally wavy, I learned how to do my makeup by watching a girl who worked at the bar with me do hers. I applied behind my boyfriends back to schools out of state, and applied for grant's. I was accepted on accordance of my esay to to Purdue university, and to both UW Oshkosh and UWGB, but wanted to be on my own and try and see what I was made of. I put off school to winter semester my parents didn't have the $ to send me to Purdue and they made too much for financial aid assistance, and I wanted out of WI so tenitiy accepted UW Oshkosh, more affordable. I packed dome clothes and canned food into s hiking back pack, read a book about hitcj hiking across the US, the day after my graduation party I cashed my check and put the cash I got from gifts into two bank accounts/ 4,600 USD took $1,000 with me in a wallet type thing strapped to my shoulder laied under my right breast, put only $10 at a time in my purse, and before leaving grabbed my dad's only hand gun, a 9mm glock
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Yes, you read correctly...I am using heroin again.
I of course had read the local paper, and noticed the local Methadone Clinic had a lot of new patients, so much so they expanded the clinic, hired more councilors and nurses. The news paper had numerous front page articles about a so called "Heroin Epidemic" and how treatment centers are filling with heroin addicts, and that for the first time the cities history there were more heroin addicts filling up treatment centers than alcoholics, and crack/coke addicts combined. The police in one article blamed the heroin problem on the change in the OxyContin chemical make up. Now the pills are indestructible (or so it seems) it is supposedly keeping the OxyContin users from being able crush then for the instant release, and making it to snort and easily cooked up for injection. Also the stricter laws and penalties for Dr. Prescribing opiate meds have been blamed for the heroin problems.
Most recently Heroin made the front page, and top story when what was being called by the local police department, "THE LARGEST HEROIN RING BUST in NE Wisconsin history". The color picture was the mug shot of what the police said was the main supplier to the area, who they claimed was driving up from Chicago. Next to the mug shot was a stock photo of powder and a inter muscular syringe, and a spoon. The story also claimed they had in custody the supposed supplier in Chicago. I wasn't too convinced these two black men were the highest level drug dealers. Everyone knows the Mexican Cartels are the top dogs, and the Kilos are being brought up to the Midwest USA via some established route that the cartels have paid police mucho de Niro to look the other way. Once the product is in the major cities is when the black people (who are poor, and being kept poor in many ways, and haven't the opportunities most white people have) get the nearly uncut product in maybe 1 Kilo of the 20 kilos brought in on that run, and spread out to different gangs. These gang members who think they can never get out of the ghetto unless they make money through the drug trade. People needing the money to feed families, to give their kids the opportunities they weren't provided, get the larger amounts of heroin, and to make more profit they then put in their cut, and that goes to a lower level dealer who puts his cut in, and on and on until it reaches the smaller cities like mine. Yet according to the police who put out the story, a multi agency and multi-State to state cooperation our city has all the main players in this multi state heroin ring that has been brought down, and all the "bad guys" in custody, along with 14 people arrested for possession, and "with more arrests suspected". Of course I went online to look at the previous nights arrested mugshots to see if I recognized anyone. I knew I wouldn't know any of the people who dealt in large volumes, but maybe some pushers. To my surprise I didn't recognize any of the alleged dealers or "high level dealers", I knew a few of the people who were charged with possession and buying narcotics, but only recognized them as current and former MMT patients at the clinic. In the paper and on the news it was toted as years of DEA investigations, and criminal informants from the bottom up. The paper and all the local
news stations were saying they got to the root of the cities heroin problem, and there won't be heroin on the streets for a long time to come.
This was late summer, and after dosing, I went over to my friends to see if she had been arrested, or knew anyone who was.
My friend knows more of the players in the drug game than I do, and she would never introduce me to them. I think this because her parents are/were junkies, and lot of her sisters, cousins, and other family members have been doing heroin since in the 1970's and 1980's when you had to drive to the big cities to get it, and ended up moving to those cities and having their kids down there, and sending up the babies to live with grandparents. She never told me any of this, but being friends so long, getting to know the family, I've deduced how integrated she is in the whole scene. Also she has dated pushers, and had babies with some, I later found out.
When I showed her the article in the paper, and the mugshots on the county's jail website. She recognized the guy they said was the main player supplier from Chicago, and she told me as far as she knew he only dealt in yayo, and crack. Before seeing the paper I had money to buy myself a full gram. Because I was still on Mdone at lower 40s upper 30s milligrams and at that time my dope habit on top created a high tolerance, so even though the heroin is better quality and less expensive than it was in 2011, it's still expensive for me to get high because of damn tolerance. I was doing 1/2g in one fix, and would take 5+ Clonazepam, or any Benzos I could get my hands on about 45 mins. before fixing, so I would get obliterated high, using recklessly on purpose, not trying to kill myself, but always hoping the dope was more pure than I was used too, and that I would OD. I always use alone. I hate using with someone else.
During the summer I had to go through my friend to get dope because I didn't have any phone numbers, and she made sure to keep it that way because for her services she got a free fix. It wasn't until late August that I was just sitting around with one of her babies as she went shopping. As I was babysitting, to my surprise the babies dad comes over, and turns out the dad is the same person who was my supplier in 2011. I had herd rumors that he only took on exclusive clientele and only sold $100.00 gram bags at time, and he didn't put in any extra cut. My friend has 9 kids and she's been pregnant most of our friendship, but she never told me who the fathers were, with one exception, I knew who her oldest child who is 15, her dad was just 14 as was my friend when they had her, and he stuck around to help care for their first child, and she and he are close friends. As for the fathers of the three babies she had since meeting her, I didn't know. I herd different rumours about who's the father of who. I did hear the rumor that our old dealer was the father of the youngest. I herd rumours that this dealer now only dealt with those her chose. I was told everyone wants to be his customer. One of my friends cousins, who had been trying to get her number in his this dealers black book. Since I last saw him, he got his teeth capped, was driving a 2013 Cadillac. Here I am alone with the baby, unsure why he was there at first. I saw his diaper bag, and he called the baby "son", and I realised I was playing with his son. We said our hellos, and he asked where I'd been so long. I told him about the clinic, then I had to ask about the baby. The hospital story, the car accident, why he is still allowing her to have unsupervised visits. He went on and told me all about the 1 year old baby and when he and my friend hooked up almost 2 years ago. He was obviously coming to pick up the baby. My friend doesn't have custody of any of her 9 kids. The baby daddy and I were shooting the shit and I told him the rumours I had herd about his exclusive clients. He asked me who I herd it from, and she never said it was a secret, so I told him. He dropped the subject, without confirming or denying the subject. He just changed the subject to what I've been doing, and we herd my friends car pulled up, then he asked for my phone number. Didn't say he was gonna call, but I gave it to him. He told me not to tell anyone what I had herd, and don't tell anyone I gave him my number.
By then I am at 22mg of "Mdone", and had taken a few weeks break from using dope on top of my dose everyday. I'd been using only when my friend needed me to put in on a bag.
know for how long, and who to go to while he's not in.
His junk is NOT JUNK. It's primo. He explained how the market has changed. How to never let your guard down. When he gives directions and you aren't listening, and you have to keep calling him, he'll not answer until he's cooled off, or prepared to get a lecture about how important it is to listen. He is a good person. I hope he gets out of the game, marries his girl, goes legit. He obviously has a knack for business. He could run a business easy. He dies play the stock market, and is always caring the wall street journal.
My phone is going to die. I don't have time to go through an re read, make corrections. I have a photo I'd like to post, but I'll charge my phone first.
Today is Dec. 2nd, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
I was in a car accident yesterday at 6:06pm (I know...I can't believe I had the where with all to look at the clock as the truck was spinning, and I was spinning.) The damn truck was pulled out a ways on Military to turn N. onto Military, as I was going thru the light at the intersection of Shawano and Military, heading E. on Shawano. Just as I went thru the green light I saw the light turn yellow, and the driver of the truck sped up to make his Left onto Military going S. He under estimated the speed at which I was coming, and must have thought his truck had the or horse power to gain enough speed to just miss me as I crossed the intersection. At first I thought he would break when he realized he couldn't avoid a collision. At the same time I realized this driver wasn't going to stop. I went through the green light and there was no cars close behind me. So I just assumed the driver would wait for me to pass. Just as I went though the green light, just as I was about to reach the middle of the intersection, a few feet from the truck that was pulled out a ways into the N. Military bound lanes trying to take a left. when the light turned yellow the driver probably wanted to make his left turn before the 5 seconds he had before the light turned red happened. Probably because he didn't want to be be in the way of the N. bound Military traffic when the light does turned red, which would be just about 2-3 seconds before Military's lights turned green. it's not as though when the traffic lights go from green to yellow, and then yellow to red in less than a second or two. there is about 8-10 seconds before yellow turns red, and from when his lane's light turn red to the time the cross traffic lights turn green. So even if after I was far enough through the lights for the truck to turn, and the light just turns red as he makes his left turn before the lanes he has to pass to get in the left lane of S. Military turn green.
Why? One commenter wrote it was a distraction to him, and that he was a bit of a font "snob". What is a font snob? Why are there font snobs?
So after receiving only comments about my fonts for the past few months, and so few concerning the content of the blog post I folded and changed to the "NORMAL" fonts. You are all welcome.
As for new content for this blog...I haven't got much to offer. I have a few Facebook comments that became too long, and off point to post on Facebook, and instead of deleting comment I spent so much time and effort writing, I save some in my Notes if I wrote it out on my phone, and on MS Word if I wrote it out on my laptop. I use my phone 90% of the time, just because it's always near me, it's always on, etc. My old laptop I kept out, and in the living room, usually on the movable laptop stand that sat in front of a empty chair that was almost exclusively used while on the computer. Then I bought a MacBook, and a sleeve, a magic mouse, and other accessories that rather than making the laptop experience easier, it became cumbersome. I have messenger bags made for laptops, but after paying a few thousand dollars for a laptop I don't want to be bringing it everywhere with me. Too many things could happen, and what's the point? I have my phone, and that has everything and more. If it had a keyboard I wouldn't need a laptop. I used to write stories, and books, but that stopped when my previous laptop took a dump, and I had to wait a few months without a laptop until I bought this one, and during that month I got so used to only having my phone as means of connecting the Internet, and that's all she wrote.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get back in the habit of using my laptop more than my phone? I am going to start using my messenger bags. I have two great bags, but Evernote has this messenger bag that is perfect for using as both a laptop carrier and a purse. I want that damn Evernote bag, but its $200.00 something, and I'm using all my extra money to finish up tattoos. Plus what would I do with the two other messenger bags? I'm never satisfied. I buy stuff on impulse, and don't wait to find something I really like, and I'm always broke. So what. I'm an idiot.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
That's really all there is to know about me. Some might be interested to know that I am getting a Half Sleeve Tattoo of the Little Mermaid, Sebastian, and Flounder. I have only gotten the outlines done so far, I go in for shading after Easter, and then coloring a week after that depending on how I heal. I will post a photo when it's finished.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
(I started this post a month ago probably and meant to finish it, but now I'm just going to post it as is.)
Welcome my Russian friends. What is it you find interesting about my blog? IS the drugs, the sex, the self hatred, the whining that my life sucks and doing nothing to make it better? What is it that is appealing to you? Whatever it is that has brought so you many miles away from your homeland, and over here to United States, where I sit at my tiny desk beside my bed, and with a window to my left with a view of the house next door which isn't very attractive, and the gray skies, white snow, grey brown trees without leaves, I would have to say I would like to see Russia outside my window someday. I don't know if I'd ever want to live there. Growing up during the cold war and all the propaganda our government put out about Russia I would say I am a bit scared to stay anywhere outside of Moscow or St. Petersberg. I do love the Russian Language though. The women are beautiful, and have pretty accents. Plus Anna is rather common name in Russia. I am not sure if I have any russian ancestry. Most of my family hails from either Ireland or today's Czech Republic aka Bohemia and some German. I hate to admit the German part. I would much rather have Jewish lineage but of course I have no Jewish family that I know of.
Anything new with me? Ahh Fuck, there is always something new, but its usually dreadfully boring, and I can't think of it right now. I wish I had my laptop always open and on. I find it's such a pain in my ass to pull my laptop out of its sleeve and it's always upstairs if I'm downstairs, and downstairs if I'm upstairs. On the few occasions I feel like blogging I end up just journaling either in my moleskine evernote journal and then just take photos of it with my phone and put in evernote where it turns into a PDF for me. Which is nice. I now have too many journals, and feel overwhelmed. Too many notebooks as well. I don't know why I feel I must buy every notebook that is attractive to my eye when I have ten more at home just as attractive and not a word written inside. Oh yeah, I gots my period today. Just an fyi. I have been crying like a baby for few days now and my tits have been hurting. Also I have a yellow discharge coming from one of my nipples. I am suppose to ho see the doctor but I looked it up on the internet and "they" say its almost always just a hormone imbalance, and only be worried if its bloody. If it were sore, and in both nipples, and not just one of the milk ducts but all of them then it would be 100% no big deal, but because its on, one side, doesn't hurt, and is coming from only one place it might be something else. I just don't want to go to the doctor and push on my breast in just the right spot that a thick yellow liquid bubbles up to a yellow speck, and only so much then a few hours later I can do it again. Don't you wonder how the hell I figured out what spot I have to push to get the yellow discharge? We have no family history of breast cancer. Well my grandma, but not until she was in her late 70's to early 80's, and it was the "best" kind of breast cancer you can get if you have to get it, with low death rate, high remission rates. She still has her boobs, and has no cancer that we are aware of. She's almost 90 and is as spry as a spring chicken. Gotta love Grandma Grace.