Monday, August 22, 2016

I'm alive....and I'm coming back full force! Been on one hell of a relapse, 2011, till 06/20/16.
Been in relationship and am engaged to my dream man. Off dope both us. He's sitting time, I'm in day treatment on Suboxone and plan on getting the vivitrol shot in 3-4 weeks. My  fiancé will be getting his shot upon his release.
Lots has gone down since last post. Moved to Ohio, lived in a tent for months, bummed cigarettes, pan handled, used black tar. Almost lost my right leg.

Stay tuned for the whole story in  chronological  Order!!! I promise it's not boring...

Anna Grace💛💚💙💜💓❤️

Different look...

Thursday, December 3, 2015

32,closing in on 33yrs old and just now I see that Heroin, or any drug\mood altering substance is not a glamorous or cool lifestyle choice! What the fuck took so long universe?
 I guess I was 22 when I got strung out on smack, and before that I never really saw what being a junky at 32 would be like. Maybe glimpses here and there from documentaries about drugs, or read about the future awaiting me in books about addicts.  I wish before getting hooked I had to live with a older junky for a few months at least. To see the hustling I'd be doing just to feel normal. The pain and suffering I would cause those who love and\or care about me & whom I love and care about. To see how anyone I thought was a friend and was doing drugs with, was not a true friendship, but rather a mutual need to use one and other. Eventually one fucks the other over for a 4 hour high.
I only saw and read what I wanted about being a needle junky would be like. Sure my idols who were hooked were dead of suicide, but their lives, short as they  mwlooked, at  least from what the media made public about them, glamorous and cool. Plus they were well off financially if not down right wealthy. Their junky problems would be much much different than the average junky's problems are! I like to see myself as at least margially  smarter than the average person, in realty I am nothing but a pseudo intellectual. I might read a tad more than the average person I grew up with. Maybe kept my mind a little more open than my peers, even a little too open. That with a healthy helping of little to no self-esteem and self respect, vanity, valued my life and health not at all! Made fun of throughout my entire schooling. Sexualized too young by a pedophilie, lost close family member paternal grandmother, very attached to, passed away from cancer  at a formative age and a month and a half later suicide of  paternal grandfather carried out at home I lived in, body found by my father and the same night watched as my father drunkenly mourned his loss by trying to kill himself. Remember being scared, bending a spoon till it broke, not sheding a tear as my mother and younger sister plead with him to stop trying to kill himself. Suicide obsession begins within two years if that death. Age 9 I make first real attempt to kill myself by inhaling plastic bag, scaring myself and getting plastic out of throat never telling anyone about it until adulthood. Boy crazy 12-14, acted out as a young teen on sexual craving. Masturbatung using anything. Running away from home, hanging out with the kids who had little paternal supervision and considered hoodlums or "dirtballs" kids who hung out in our small town of 2,220 people, main street, drank alcohol when available and some smoked grass if they had the chance. Having sex with each other, typical small town poor family stuff. My parents were far from poor, and didn't let me or my sister run amok without supervision  and knowing where we were who was with. At 13 I rebelled and hard. Grew apart from my childhood best friend, as I wanted to smoke, fuck, drink, party, mostly craving for the attention of bad boys, but not being the best looking 13 yr old girl; didn't grow into my features until late 15, 16ish. By then I had lost my virginity in a way the whole school knew the next day, the boy didn't even like me; but I had a crush on him. Wanted to not be a virgin, opportunity arose and I put out/  tried of at end of 7th grade summer after running away from home from that night to kill myself with Tylenol. Wound up in my first Psych Ward for two weeks right before school started for my 8th grade year. Whole school knew about it, and I had almost fully pulled away from my friends and was bow a loner. Ate lunch alone, sat alone reading during recess, picked on by male class mates, some female especially older girls.
By the end of that year shaved my head, stopped wearing name brands, stopped trying to make friends and got into music and art heavily. Had a home computer with Internet back in the AOL chat room days, and spent most my time on that. By Freshman I gained some weight, and got a fat complex even though I wasn't fat, but not fit like my old friends who were now in sports and cheerleading were, still 14 my face had not grown into its features had bad hair just started getting longer after being shaved 9 months before. Sorta kept to myself Freshman year. Recall the disappointment felt that high school was the same as middle school that year. Got invited to skip 8th hour with a group of boys in my grade, and went to a house where one boy gave me 5 shot's of whiskey in a row then took me into a bedroom and had sex with me. The others listened or watched I was blacked out when I came to a different boy was having sex with me, slapping me, putting his penis in my mouth making me sick him off, then he turned me over on my stomach and put his penis in my anus until he came in my ass. The other boys had left school was over and busses had left already, he dragged me back to the high school as I cried and asked what happened. A girls basketball game was that early evening and a girl who I had been friends with in 7th grade took me to her parents house and let me shower and put on lost and found clothes, sobered me up, let me tell her what I remember ed but never said anything about saying no or claiming rape, I was drunk and remember kissing the first boy willingly. She took me to the basketball game and by that time when I walked in everyone in the whole school herd that I fucked two boys, with the same condom but turned inside out apparently. I never saw a condom, and recall cum coming out of my vagina and ass and in my hair. Word spread that my pussy smelled so bad like fish that e girls room this happened in knew sex had happened ed in her bed which was also broken apparently. I was called a slut until my mom finally picked me up. I never told her, but the rumors spread so fast that the next day I was pulled out of class by the vice principal and asked if it was all true, and if I said yes. I said it was true and I was fully aware and awake the entire time and never said no. The two boys were scared shitless I would call rape, and tried to reward me for not saying anything by telling me it was cool of me, but still when with a greof people called me a bed breaking slut they didn't stop them they just couldn't look me in the eye anymore, sophomore year I came back with linger hair, thinner, bigger chest, and my face had finally grown into its features, plus the boys thought I was easy and I was getting invited to high school beer parties in the woods. Made a friend with a freshman girl and she introduced me to a group of guys in their late teens early 20's graduated and©ir dropped out of high school and bought alcohol and had parties every night at their messy house. I had not had sex since the two guys blackout a year before, but still boys tried to get me drunk and alone see if I would put out, but I was a depressed drunk and always cried and wanted to die and would get left with no ride home from the party. Then someone told me that one if the older guys who lived at the party house liked me, and I had never had someone like me before and one night he asked me to go to a football game with him, and to the party afterward in the woods with him as a date. We hung out that night and kissed. And he asked for my number but I figured once he sobered up he's want to get with the pretty girls. He called me the next day after school and wanted me to come over that night and watch movies and drink beer with him. We were a couple ever since that night, and my life became not about school or parties, but being 15 in a relationship with a almost 21 year old man. He tried to get. Me pregnant at 15, but my mom got me in birth control shots as soon as she learned I wasn't a virgin back when I was 13. Being put on depi shot so young is one of the reasons I have very little chance of ever getting pregnant now as an adult.  My grades slipped and by the time I was 16 he was bringing me into the bar with him, and beating me, telling me how ugly, fat, dumb, unwantable, I am and how I was lucky that he even acknowledgd me in public. Every job I got he would sit there my whole shift and make sure iI didn't talk to anyone, one restaurant kicked him out and he slashed the owners tires and pulled me out if work by my hair,  I turned 17 got into the alternative highschool and got my grades back up, and was back with my class on schedule to graduate, early if I wanted, at 18 I became a bar tender and my dad got prescribed oxytocin 20's I was in cross country running and played softball for the bar I worked for. My highschool peers were not around, and my boyfriend could not keep me hidden anymore. I got so much male attention and met other people that liked the type of books and music I was into. My self-esteem leaped and bounded forward. My hair was to my ass and naturally wavy, I learned how to do my makeup by watching a girl who worked at the bar with me do hers. I applied behind my boyfriends back to schools out of state, and applied for grant's. I was accepted on accordance of my esay to  to Purdue university, and to both UW Oshkosh and UWGB, but wanted to be on my own and try and see what I was made of. I put off school to winter semester my parents didn't have the $ to send me to Purdue and they made too much for financial aid assistance, and I wanted out of WI so tenitiy accepted UW Oshkosh, more affordable. I packed dome clothes and canned food into s hiking back pack, read a book about hitcj hiking across the US, the day after my graduation party I cashed my check and put the cash I got from gifts into two bank accounts/  4,600 USD took $1,000 with me in a wallet type thing strapped to my shoulder laied under my right breast, put only $10 at a time in my purse, and before leaving grabbed my dad's only hand gun, a 9mm glock

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Life as a non using heroin addict

If he was out, if I wasn't alone, what would it be like? A non using H addict's life, well depression comes over me at times. I have to keep myself busy or I'd probably fall back into using. Can't get away from the drug, no matter how far I've tried to flee its reach, it has found me. So I'm learning to live with it around, and when it comes around get the hell out ASAP and remember that it's only four hours of peace before the beast crawls in and I'm out busting moves to get another 4 hours. Not worth the 10-18 hours of anxiety and hustling for a few hours of peace. I'm more peaceful off the stuff, on a more regular basis than I am using. Now my mind is occupied by other things and people. Love , lust, whatever has crawled back in my life. I'd rather feel the pain of loneliness without him, than the worry of losing him to an OD, or even the drug itself. He's a beautiful guy, and smart. Miss him every second of the day and night. Waiting for him is my prize at the end. Just please God, don't let him go back to boi. Let him be clean, happy, fulfilled. With or without me. Just give him heaven on Earth and I'll take the hell for him. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Anna's year, 2014. Life, and Dope.

Hi Gledwood & everyone who has been a reader at anytime in my blogging days, and thanks Gleds for the comment. It gave me the kick in the behind I needed to write a new post. FYI: I am writing this post on my phone, tapping out each letter forming words slowly. My brain works faster than my thumbs can tap on a screen, so please forgive the spelling errors, punctuation errors, (I've always been terrible at punctuation. I missed the day they taught punctuation, at least I think I did?!)  
I have to use my phone, because my laptop is in Pawn and has been since early this summer. A 2013 MacBook Air, with MS Word, and tons of expensive apps on it, and it's just sitting in some storage room as I pay $50.00+ USD a month to keep them from selling it. The saddest thing is, I paid like $1,300 for that laptop, and pawned it for a measly $280.00 USD. For me to retrieve my laptop from pawn it would cost about $320.00 USD. 
My problem is every time I have the $320.00 bucks, rather than going to the pawn shop to liberate my laptop with the cash, I end up buying 2.5 grams of dope.
Yes, you read correctly...I am using heroin again.
 I am still on MMT.  I started my taper in late May 2014. I started out tapering 1mg every two weeks , I was at 90mgs. I did the math, and realized I would be tapering for YEARS!! Still I stayed at that pace until July. In July I talked to the Clinic Doctor, and explained to him how I would be tapering longer than I've been on MMT, and it was eating at me. Causing a lot of stress, especially when family and friends ask how much longer until I am done with MMT. The Doctor suggested I go down 2mgs week, and I agreed. I had already gotten down to 81mg by then, and had not suffered even mild withdrawal symptoms. Of course going down 1mg every two weeks, your body has time to adjust before the next drop. At 2mg a week I didn't notice any withdrawal symptoms for the first month, and I hoped and prayed I wouldn't have slow down or stop and stabilize, and I never even entertained the idea of going back up to stabilize, and then start to taper slowly again when I feel ready. Dropping 2mg a week and it felt like I was getting somewhere. In fact I figured out that I would be fully tapped by April 2015!  Suddenly I was at 49mg. One milligram under 50mg. As you may or may not know, between 50mg and 80mg is considered a "blocking dose" which means that the Methadone fills up the brains opiate receptors, and if you were to try to use illicit opiates to get high, it won't happen. At most if you used a large amount to compensate for the methadone tolerance, you would feel just the initial rush, but not the euphoria. Sure you'll probably nod out, but you won't feel high. No glow, not even if you take XANAX or any Benzos. Those opiate receptors are already full with the methadone, you can't cram in more. You'll likely OD before getting high. Most people would need to take a lot of dope to OD, less dope if you are mixing it with other downers.
WARNING: everybody has different body chemistry, different metabolic rates. So what maybe a non lethal dose to one person could be deadly to another. Sure 50-80mg is a common blocking dose. Some people are blocked at 50mg others it takes up to 100mg. The Average is 80mg. When I got down into the lower fifties milligrams arena, I started thinking about testing my tolerance level. At that time I had no idea where to get dope. I wasn't going to bother with pills, unless I found 8mg Dilauded/Hydromorphone tabs. Anyway, I asked around a bit, using a cover story that I was asking about the recent newspaper reports about the cities heroin epidemic, and about the heroin ring bust the police were bragging about having gotten most of the heroin off this cities streets. The newest patients I hit up for info. All I gathered was there was still plenty of heroin in the city. Up until my closet friend whom I met during my 2011 relapse, who ended up getting on Mdone a mont or two after I started back. We had been going to the Methadone clinic and both doing well, she got a job, was working on getting back custody of some of her younger children.  She started dating this 23 year old Native American who had a problem with the "fire water", and she started drinking. She too is half Native American, same tribe, and when she drinks she gets mean, and jealous of anyone who even glances at her manboy. Soon she was coming in the clinic in the morning with black eyes, busted lips, bruises around her neck. When I went to visit her, and her manboy was around, he was always full of scratches. His face, arms, and he once got a smelly infection on his arm where she bit him. It all came to a head when she had her youngest child with her for a visit, and her boyfriend decided he was going out drinking that weekend, and she had to go with or she is sure he's gonna cheat. So they drove up to their Rez, and got drunk with the baby all night. At sunrise on Monday morning she was driving them all back to the city for work that day, and the babies dad was gonna pick up the baby. I didn't know any of the fathers of her kids, and she's had three since I met her. All taken away at birth, except the youngest, she abandoned him at the hospital l. After she gave birth, she snuck out of the hospital. She later told me her reason. She knew they were going to call CPS, because she had at least four different illegal drugs in her blood, plus the baby was born addicted to opiates. She put the name of the man she figured was the father & his phone number on a piece of paper and left it on the pillow of the hospital bed. The dad and his family ended up going in, he paid for a DNA test, and his mother took responsibility for the baby until results came back. Still she never told me who the dad probably was. 
Now that she was on MMT and cleaning up her act, attempting to put her life in order. Visiting her kids, she has 9 children. With this new boyfriend in her life, she started fucking up, and took her 1yr old son out drinking, and driving home at 4:30am, baby in backseat no car seat. Her and the boyfriend were arguing, and she says that he suddenly jerked the wheel as she was driving 65, in a 55 zone, she hit the gravel at the edge of the road, and jerked the wheel to get back on the road, but instead rolled the car 4x. They were in the woods off the road, out of sight. She had a hurt leg, but the baby was fine except for a few scraps, and the guy was okay, but had glass shards in his face, and arms. They decided that they would not call the police right away, and they walked through the woods until finding a house. Her leg was bleeding bad, and she was weak, they knocked on this families door at 6am all tore up with a baby in her arms, both still drunk. They asked to use their bathroom, and if they could wait there for a ride. She had called her sister, but didn't tell her about the accident, just she needs a ride and will call her when she knows where she can pick her up. The family was an older couple living with their adult son. As they were in the bathroom cleaning up, sizing up their injuries the man called the police, and didn't tell them. Soon the police were there, they had found the wreckage already. In the light of day the wreckage was visible. The car was in her boyfriends name, and the police knew this, and when he gave his real name they were caught. Three ambulances were called, my friend lied about her name, and almost got away with it. Until the instigator asked her the last time she had police contact, and said she didn't recall, unlucky for her, her sister was pulled over for a missing head light just two days before. When the hospital released her, it was into police custody for Finger printing to get her name, and her BAC had gone under legal limit by the time they took her blood, but the nailed her for leaving the scene, child endangerment, impending a police investigation, and reckless driving. She was in jail 3 months, she got 120 days with good time, and time see while waiting for sentencing. So it didn't seem like long before she was out. When she got out she went straight back to using heroin. I now had a hook up. Within two weeks I was using every day.
I hadn't bought dope since early April 2012, and I was used to the old prices. For a 1/4g we paid $50.00USD. When my friend first called to ask me to go in on a bag with her, and I told her I didn't have $25.00 to go in on a bag with her. I laid my phone back down thinking that would be the end of it, but to my surprise she texted back, and told me all I need is $10.00 USD, and she had the other $10.00, and that a bag is only $20 dollars now days, but she didn't tell me how much that got you. I decided to help her. She drove to my house and picked me up. In the car I told her that half a $20 bag wouldn't touch my tolerance. She then went on to reassure me it was different since I last bought dope. My friend always knew who to call to find heroin. When we were in MMT she had family still using, but she would not hook me up when I asked when she was still doing good. On the ride across town she told me how much prices had gone down since 2011-2012 when we both stopped using, except for the occasionally set back in April 2012.
I of course had read the local paper, and noticed the local Methadone Clinic had a lot of new patients, so much so they expanded the clinic, hired more councilors and nurses. The news paper had numerous front page articles about a so called "Heroin Epidemic" and how treatment centers are filling with heroin addicts, and that for the first time the cities history there were more heroin addicts filling up treatment centers than alcoholics, and crack/coke addicts combined. The police in one article blamed the heroin problem on the change in the OxyContin chemical make up. Now the pills are indestructible (or so it seems) it is supposedly keeping the OxyContin users from being able crush then for the instant release, and making it to snort and easily cooked up for injection. Also the stricter laws and penalties for Dr. Prescribing opiate meds have been blamed for the heroin problems.
Most recently Heroin made the front page, and top story when what was being called by the local police department, "THE LARGEST HEROIN RING BUST in NE Wisconsin history". The color picture was the mug shot of what the police said was the main supplier to the area, who  they claimed was driving up from Chicago. Next to the mug shot was a stock photo of powder and a inter muscular syringe, and a spoon. The story also claimed they had in custody the supposed supplier in Chicago. I wasn't too convinced these two black men were the highest level drug dealers. Everyone knows the Mexican Cartels are the top dogs, and the Kilos are being brought up to the Midwest USA via some established route that the cartels have paid police mucho de Niro to look the other way. Once the product is in the major cities is when the black people (who are poor, and being kept poor in many ways, and haven't the opportunities most white people have) get the nearly uncut product in maybe 1 Kilo of the 20 kilos brought in on that run, and spread out to different gangs. These gang members who think they can never get out of the ghetto unless they make money through the drug trade. People needing the money to feed families, to give their kids the opportunities they weren't provided, get the larger amounts of heroin, and to make more profit they then put in their cut, and that goes to a lower level dealer who puts his cut in, and on and on until it reaches the smaller cities like mine. Yet according to the police who put out the story, a multi agency and multi-State to state cooperation our city has all the main players in this multi state heroin ring that has been brought down, and all the "bad guys" in custody, along with 14 people arrested for possession, and "with more arrests suspected".  Of course I went online to look at the previous nights arrested mugshots to see if I recognized anyone. I knew I wouldn't know any of the people who dealt in large volumes, but maybe some pushers. To my surprise I didn't recognize any of the alleged dealers or "high level dealers", I knew a few of the people who were charged with possession and buying narcotics, but only recognized them as current and former MMT patients at the clinic. In the paper and on the news it was toted as years of DEA investigations, and criminal informants from the bottom up. The paper and all the local
 news stations were saying they got to the root of the cities heroin problem, and there won't be heroin on the streets for a long time to come.
This was late summer, and after dosing, I went over to my friends to see if she had been arrested, or knew anyone who was.
My friend knows more of the players in the drug game than I do, and she would never introduce me to them. I think this because her parents are/were junkies, and lot of her sisters, cousins, and other family members have been doing heroin since in the 1970's and 1980's when you had to drive to the big cities to get it, and ended up moving to those cities and having their kids down there, and sending up the babies to live with grandparents. She never told me any of this, but being friends so long, getting to know the family, I've deduced how integrated she is in the whole scene. Also she has dated pushers, and had babies with some, I later found out.
When I showed her the article in the paper, and the mugshots on the county's jail website. She recognized the guy they said was the main player supplier from Chicago, and she told me as far as she knew he only dealt in yayo, and crack. Before seeing the paper I had money to buy myself a full gram. Because I was still on Mdone at lower 40s upper 30s milligrams and at that time my dope habit on top created a high tolerance, so even though the heroin is better quality and less expensive than it was in 2011, it's still expensive for me to get high because of damn tolerance. I was doing 1/2g in one fix, and would take 5+ Clonazepam, or any Benzos I could get my hands on about 45 mins. before fixing, so I would get obliterated high, using recklessly on purpose, not trying to kill myself, but always hoping the dope was more pure than I was used too, and that I would OD. I always use alone. I hate using with someone else.
During the summer I had to go through my friend to get dope because I didn't have any phone numbers, and she made sure to keep it that way because for her services she got a free fix. It wasn't until late August that I was just sitting around with one of her babies as she went shopping. As I was babysitting, to my surprise the babies dad comes over, and turns out the dad is the same person who was my supplier in 2011. I had herd rumors that he only took on exclusive clientele and only sold $100.00 gram bags at time, and he didn't put in any extra cut. My friend has 9 kids and she's been pregnant most of our friendship, but she never told me who the fathers were, with one exception, I knew who her oldest child who is 15, her dad was just 14 as was my friend when they had her, and he stuck around to help care for their first child, and she and he are close friends. As for the fathers of the three babies she had since meeting her, I didn't know. I herd different rumours about who's the father of who. I did hear the rumor that our old dealer was the father of the youngest. I herd rumours that this dealer now only dealt with those her chose. I was told everyone wants to be his customer. One of my friends cousins, who had been trying to get her number in his this dealers black book. Since I last saw him, he got his teeth capped, was driving a 2013 Cadillac. Here I am alone with the baby, unsure why he was there at first. I saw his diaper bag, and he called the baby "son", and I realised  I was playing with his son. We said our hellos, and he asked where I'd been so long. I told him about the clinic, then I had to ask about the baby. The hospital story, the car accident, why he is still allowing her to have unsupervised visits. He went on and told me all about the 1 year old baby and when he and my friend hooked up almost 2 years ago. He was obviously coming to pick up the baby. My friend doesn't have custody of any of her 9 kids. The baby daddy and I were  shooting the shit and I told him the rumours I had herd about his exclusive clients. He asked me who I herd it from, and she never said it was a secret, so I told him. He dropped the subject, without confirming or denying the subject. He just changed the subject to what I've been doing, and we herd my friends car pulled up, then he asked for my phone number. Didn't say he was gonna call, but I gave it to him. He told me not to tell anyone what I had herd, and don't tell anyone I gave him my number.
By then I am at 22mg of "Mdone", and had taken a few weeks break from using dope on top of my dose everyday. I'd been using only when my friend needed me to put in on a bag.
The morning after I saw my old dealer, I was laying on the couch before getting ready to go to the clinic, and a number calls that I didn't recognize but the first three numbers are the numbers from track-phones aka burner phones. I decided to pick up even though I usually screen all calls. I answered and it was him, my old hook up, and he confirmed the rumours. He said it would be cool if I wanted to call for dope, then he explains why he works with only certain people. (Those that can afford to spend  $100 once a week) he also made it crystal clear that I was to let no-one, not even my friend the mother of his son know that I had his number. He explained he only hangs out with people he likes as friends, and he's not a "pusher" anymore. Just a guy who helps friends who are reliable. 
From them on we've called each other daily just to talk, I call him just to talk, we go out for lunch, or dinner. I met the rest of his kids, and his girlfriend. He has two places, one he lets his friends visit another no-one knows where it is. He doesn't front, if your $10 or $20 short he'll give you one chance to give you the amount you owe before the 7 days are up, and if you don't you might not have a next time, and if you do you have to have all the money plus the $10-$20 you owe. He doesn't tell me how many people he keeps in his black book, but I don't think it's more than 10. He's always available, and if he's not gonna be, he lets me
know for how long, and who to go to while he's not in.

His junk is NOT JUNK. It's primo. He explained how the market has changed. How to never let your guard down. When he gives directions and you aren't listening, and you have to keep calling him, he'll not answer until he's cooled off, or prepared to get a lecture about how important it is to listen. He is a good person. I hope he gets out of the game, marries his girl, goes legit. He obviously has a knack for business. He could run a business easy. He dies play the stock market, and is always caring the wall street journal.

My phone is going to die. I don't have time to go through an re read, make corrections. I have a photo I'd like to post, but I'll charge my phone first.

Today is Dec. 2nd, 2014

Friday, May 30, 2014

Car Accident, May 22, 2013...

This happened in 2013, May 22nd. I wrote this obviously a along time ago but it has been in my drafts forever. Figure I may as well post it. I did not edit.

I was in a car accident yesterday at 6:06pm (I know...I can't believe I had the where with all to look at the clock as the truck was spinning, and I was spinning.) The damn truck was pulled out a ways on Military to turn N. onto Military, as I was going thru the light at the intersection of Shawano and Military, heading E. on Shawano. Just as I went thru the green light I saw the light turn yellow, and the driver of the truck sped up to make his Left onto Military going S. He under estimated the speed at which I was coming, and must have thought his truck had the  or horse power to gain enough speed to just miss me as I crossed the intersection. At first I thought he would break when he realized he couldn't avoid a collision. At the same time I realized this driver wasn't going to stop. I went through the green light and there was no cars close behind me. So I just assumed the driver would wait for me to pass. Just as I went though the green light, just as I was about to reach the middle of the intersection, a few feet from the truck that was pulled out a ways into the N. Military bound lanes trying to take a left. when the light turned yellow the driver probably wanted to make his left turn before the 5 seconds he had before the light turned red happened. Probably because he didn't want to be be in the way of the N. bound Military traffic when the light does turned red, which would be just about 2-3 seconds before Military's lights turned green. it's not as though when the traffic lights go from green to yellow, and then yellow to red in less than a second or two. there is about 8-10 seconds before yellow turns red, and from when his lane's light turn red to the time the cross traffic lights turn green. So even if after I was far enough through the lights for the truck to turn, and the light just turns red as he makes his left turn before the lanes he has to pass to get in the left lane of S. Military turn green.
 The driver of the truck must have either been in a hurry,and was driving in haste, or under estimated my rate of speed at which I was on coming, or over estimated his trucks horse power, to push the gas pedal to the floor and try to beat my car before we would meet and collide with each other. As I mentioned the light turned after I was a good 7 or 8 feet-before  our tlight turned yellow. which happened to have happen just after I passed through the green light and was about 7or 8 feet passed the lights. I had seen this truck was pulled out a ways onto Military Ave. impeding the N. bound lanes of Military Ave. In an attempt to turn left onto Military in the S. bound lane before the lights turned red.  I had seen the light turn yellow as I was about to reach the middle and saw the truck trying to beat me just as the light went from green to yellow caution approaching vehicles to slow down before the traffic light turns red for stopping, so the traffic at the intersection going South and North can go when they get a green light.  when he was pulled out too far  he was still on the gas, and *Boom* *Thud* *tires squealing* We collided. We collided in exactly the middle of the intersection. I was turned around facing the median on military facing south. Just as I the cars inertia stopped, and luckily I was wearing my seatbelt because my inertia was still going forward, and my seatbelt had tightened when I slammed on the breaks, and it stopped me from hitting the stealing wheel with my chest, all I have is a little red mark from the seat belt on my left shoulder, and of course my head went further than my body, but I don't have any whip lash. When I got my bearings, I saw the truck was gone. So I called 911, told the lady I wasn't hurt, but I don't know about the guy in the truck. He just took off in the direction he stopped spinning, which I wasn't sure if he went W. on Shawano or S. on Military. I thought the truck was dark blue newer Ford. I knew the driver was a white male, because as he spun, there was like a slow motion split second where we made eye contact. His face was calm, and my eyes were wide open, and adrenalin was being released. The 911 lady asked me if the car would start, and it was still running, so I turned the car to go E. on Shawano to pull to the side and put on the hazards. Then she told me an office will be there in 10 mins or so. I was afraid to get out of the car and see the damage. I knew  it was bad, because there was debris in the intersection, and it was all black. It was raining out, and a bit chilly, and I wanted to smoke a cigarette, but there was too many things racing through my head. I need proof of insurance, registration, my drivers license, I opened the glove compartment and took everything out, found the papers I needed, then I found my wallet, which wasn't in my purse, and got it out from the feet area on the passenger side. I had to take off my seatbelt to get my wallet. My phone had flew up onto the dash (thank my lucky stars I had it in a hard case. I usually just put those rubber one piece cell phone covers that cover the back only). After I gathered all the stuff the copper would ask for, I waited another 5-6 minutes for the damn copper (who was a complete dick) arrived. I was crying worried about the hit run, do I have to pay for the damage if they don't find him? My dad's going to freak out, and scream at me, and when the 5-o knocked on my window hard with his fucking flash light. I was all flustered, and was thinking to fast to understand the cop, and I just kept trying to hand him the info he needed. So the coper started to get mad because I started hyperventilating, so he stopped asking questions and told me to put my head between my legs, and as soon as I caught my breath, the asshole cop started back in at me, even though I was still sobbing, trying to answer his questions. Most of you who know me, or have read my blog know I'm not very articulate. I'm even less articulate when I'm frazzled. 

I changed my fonts after many complaints about using non traditional fonts.

I do not know why so many of you whom happen past my blog are so thrown off by "Online Fonts" that are not the traditional Times (New Roman), Arial, Courier, Georgia, Helvetica, Trebuchet, Verdana? One reader using an older PC saw strange characters, rather than letters from the English Alphabet. How old his PC was, or what browser he was using, he did not say. Most of the complaints are not at all helpful, most say something to effect of, "Use normal fonts!"
Why? One commenter wrote it was a distraction to him, and that he was a bit of a font "snob". What is a font snob? Why are there font snobs?
So after receiving only comments about my fonts for the past few months, and so few concerning the content of the blog post I folded and changed to the "NORMAL" fonts. You are all welcome.

As for new content for this blog...I haven't got much to offer. I have a few Facebook comments that became too long, and off point to post on Facebook, and instead of deleting comment I spent so much time and effort writing, I save some in my Notes if I wrote it out on my phone, and on MS Word if I wrote it out on my laptop. I use my phone 90% of the time, just because it's always near me, it's always on, etc. My old laptop I kept out, and in the living room, usually on the movable laptop stand that sat in front of a empty chair that was almost exclusively used while on the computer. Then I bought a MacBook, and a sleeve, a magic mouse, and other accessories that rather than making the laptop experience easier, it became cumbersome. I have messenger bags made for laptops, but after paying a few thousand dollars for a laptop I don't want to be bringing it everywhere with me. Too many things could happen, and what's the point? I have my phone, and that has everything and more. If it had a keyboard I wouldn't need a laptop. I used to write stories, and books, but that stopped when my previous laptop took a dump, and I had to wait a few months without a laptop until I bought this one, and during that month I got so used to only having my phone as means of connecting the Internet, and that's all she wrote.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get back in the habit of using my laptop more than my phone? I am going to start using my messenger bags. I have two great bags, but Evernote has this messenger bag that is perfect for using as both a laptop carrier and a purse. I want that damn Evernote bag, but its $200.00 something, and I'm using all my extra money to finish up tattoos. Plus what would I do with the two other messenger bags? I'm never satisfied. I buy stuff on impulse, and don't wait to find something I really like,  and I'm always broke. So what. I'm an idiot.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

My life has not changed at all. I'm still just lazy fucking piece of shit. I haven't had any relapses since 2011. I am currently tapering my methadone dose 2mg a week, I was going 2 mg every three days until I hit 50mgs and got dope sick. Oh man was that a reminder of what hell life is without opiates. Soon, or rather within the next 6 months I will be fully tapered off methadone, and be without any opiates in my system. Now that I'm in my 30's my odds of staying clean for a year or more have gone up some. I'm not sure how much, but I do know that the longer a person is on methadone without using for 3+ year, and is over 30 the addict's odds go up significantly that I'll get a year clean under my belt. Heres to hoping!!

That's really all there is to know about me. Some might be interested to know that I am getting a Half Sleeve Tattoo of the Little Mermaid, Sebastian, and Flounder. I have only gotten the outlines done so far, I go in for shading after Easter, and then coloring a week after that depending on how I heal. I will post a photo when it's finished. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Precipitated Withdrawal when first started Suboxone

This is in reply to comments left on previous blog post...

Calamity Jane

You are right on point about Naloxone and Suboxone, blocking natural endorphins. The Naloxone really has no point being added to the Bupronophine, aside from trying to keep IV users from injecting the Suboxone. I had one of the worst accidental precipitated withdrawal when I was given my first dose of Suboxone at my Doctor's office. I had been told I must be below 30mg of Methadone & go three days w/o taking any methadone, as well. For Heroin users they ask you to be 48 hours without blast so as not to come in after just using heroin farewell fix, before being administered your first dose of Suboxone. My Doctor failed to mention what would happen if I went in to his office w/o all opiates/opioids out of the opiate receptors in the brain. I was too afraid to go three full days with no methadone or any opiates at all. I was terrified of being in withdrawals for three days. So I was taking only 50mg to stave off withdrawals until I can start Suboxone. 
I took my last two 10mg methadone pills 12 hours before my Doctor supervised first Suboxone dose. I just figured I would have a higher dose of Suboxone than I would had I done the 3 days w/o opiates. 
I was to be at my Doctors office at 9:00am, in withdrawal. I showed up, but wasn't in withdrawal. There were five others starting the Suboxone and they all were almost done Withdrawing. I was the only moving from Methadone to Suboxone. There were two H addicts, and three pain pill addicts. They were craving a fix bad, and filling out the paperwork ASAP so they could get the first 2mg, and up 2mg every 30 mins until the sickness and cravings stopped. 
The Doctor came out with a few orange pills, and a pill splitter. They were 8mg tablets cut into 1/4ths and taken sublingually. I got my first 2mg piece of Suboxone pie, and let it dissolve under my tongue. I started to feel cold, clammy skin, my nose started running. When the Doc gave me the second 2mg piece; I told him how I wasn't feeling better. In fact I was feeling quite a bit worse. The Dr. Told me 2mg was obviously not enough, and handed me another 2mg 1/4 piece. I again allow the nasty tasting citrusy pill to dissolve. It did so rather quickly, and about 15 minutes after the second dose is dissolved things precipitated until  I had to run, not walk to the lavatory. After 3 years of constipation, suddenly my bowels started churning again. My stomach cramped up and  then nausea started my mouth filling with saliva, I was having hot and cold flashes. I pulled my undies and Yoga pants down to my ankles, and sat on the toilet just in time. My bowels exploded and started to evacuate. The shite went from solid to liquid. I kept flushing as often as the toilet allowed, out of curtsy to other whom might walk in. The smell was so foul as my shit that had been in my intestines for weeks if not months. I began gagging until my breakfast of came up and projectile vomit was hitting the stall door, and splashed back at me. 
Just when it seemed I had emptied my body of everything that could be expelled from my body was gone, and I finished cleaning myself, and the stall just got my feminine wipes from my purse to feel cleaner, and I had my yoga pants pulled up. Was washing my hands, splashing my face which was pouring sweat, and my eyesight was messed up, I couldn't focus on anything, my legs were restless, and had were shaking, and flailing about as the pleased. The Doctor brought me into his office, where I begged for some kind of opiate. My hopes dashed when I read the Suboxone pamphlet and found no matter how much
Opiańte pills, dope, I took in nothing would take away these precipitated withdrawals except time. 
I had drove to the Dr.'s office by myself, my Doctor had prescribed me Clonidine and depakote (because there is some evidence the Mood Stabilizer helped precipitated withdrawal patients get some sleep) he also wrote me a script for 3 Lunesta sleeping pills, & four 0.5 Xanax to be taken as a PRN. I had to stop  
My Kpins until I could take Suboxone w/o be thrown into rapid withdrawal. I was sick 3 days, and emotional state was fragile, I was so scared when I began Suboxone again, but it worked second time, but I relapsed two months later. 

(I started this post a month ago probably and meant to finish it, but now I'm just going to post it as is.)

Hello Russia!

It seems the country that gave us Gorbachev and Vladimir Putin, along with vodka, and mean blonde boxers who always lose at the end of the movie has taken an interest in my blog, and we cannot forget Leo Tolstoy!
Welcome my Russian friends. What is it you find interesting about my blog? IS the drugs, the sex, the self hatred, the whining that my life sucks and doing nothing to make it better? What is it that is appealing to you? Whatever it is that has brought so you many miles away from your homeland, and over here to United States, where I sit at my tiny desk beside my bed, and with a window to my left with a view of the house next door which isn't very attractive, and the gray skies, white snow, grey brown trees without leaves, I would have to say I would like to see Russia outside my window someday. I don't know if I'd ever want to live there. Growing up during the cold war and all the propaganda our government put out about Russia I would say I am a bit scared to stay anywhere outside of Moscow or St. Petersberg. I do love the Russian Language though. The women are beautiful, and have pretty accents. Plus Anna is rather common name in Russia. I am not sure if I have any russian ancestry. Most of my family hails from either Ireland or today's Czech Republic aka Bohemia and some German. I hate to admit the German part. I would much rather have Jewish lineage but of course I have no Jewish family that I know of.
Anything new with me? Ahh Fuck, there is always something new, but its usually dreadfully boring, and I can't think of it right now. I wish I had my laptop always open and on. I find it's such a pain in my ass to pull my laptop out of its sleeve and it's always upstairs if I'm downstairs, and downstairs if I'm upstairs. On the few occasions I feel like blogging I end up just journaling either in my moleskine evernote journal and then just take photos of it with my phone and put in evernote where it turns into a PDF for me. Which is nice. I now have too many journals, and feel overwhelmed. Too many notebooks as well. I don't know why I feel I must buy every notebook that is attractive to my eye when I have ten more at home just as attractive and not a word written inside. Oh yeah, I gots my period today. Just an fyi.  I have been crying like a baby for few days now and my tits have been hurting. Also I have a yellow discharge coming from one of my nipples. I am suppose to ho see the doctor but I looked it up on the internet and "they" say its almost always just a hormone imbalance, and only be worried if its bloody. If it were sore, and in both nipples, and not just one of the milk ducts but all of them then it would be 100% no big deal, but because its on, one side, doesn't hurt, and is coming from only one place it might be something else. I just don't want to go to the doctor and push on my breast in just the right spot that a thick yellow liquid bubbles up to a yellow speck, and only so much then a few hours later I can do it again. Don't you wonder how the hell I figured out what spot I have to push to get the yellow discharge? We have no family history of breast cancer. Well my grandma, but not until she was in her late 70's to early 80's, and it was the "best" kind of breast cancer you can get if you have to get it, with low death rate, high remission rates. She still has her boobs, and has no cancer that we are aware of. She's almost 90 and is as spry as a spring chicken. Gotta love Grandma Grace.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Dope, Skagg, Heroin, and the recovery with Methadone maintenancetreatment

I took this photo the last time I slipped up. Since I was preping I got to thinking of my blog and those of you readers who were/are convinced that I never used opiates, or Heroin, and certainly never injected the elixir into my veins. I know no photo will ever make those who just do not belive me suddenly come to the conclusion that I have in fact been addicted to opiates, and have indeed "danced with Mr. Brownstone"  
Still I am not in the photo. You don't see me, or my hands and arms, which will give the skeptics more reason to disbelieve that a I am indeed an opiate addict, and have been such, in various stages of recovery since summer of 2006, after my first intervenious inject of a cooked down 8mg Hydromorphone tablet on Dec. 23rd 2005. As an Christmas gift from one of the two brothers who acted as my Hydromorphone /Dilauded & generic 40mg OxyContin/Oxycodone. This is years before OxyContin where rechemistryed <-made up word* to make the pill much more complicated to crush into a powder. Back when all you had to do was suck off the coating, get a dollar bill and lighter apply pressure to the lighter, with a creased bill under it,& the OC inside that bill until no more crunching and the one time hard tablet into a fine enough powder so that once you add 40cc of water to cook to a quick boil until the powder had dissolved and the water was either clear, or a few white specks floating about, add your cotton to the spoon/cooker holding the now liquified Oxycontin, take the syringe you used to add the 40cc of water, and take the needle ah top the syringe. Lightly set the needles tip upon the wet cotton. Being carefull not to let the needle graze the spoon/cooker as it can dull the needle faster makeing the act of puncturing your skin above the vein less smooth and more painfull, and can cause you to miss, and all the liqued is under the skin not in the vein being carried with your blood as it circulates your body with the beating of your heart, wich helps the blood defy gravity and flow from the bottom of your foot to top of your head, feeding oxygen and other chemical hormones natural and man made to all the limbs & organs of your body. Including the brain where if you hit the vein the chemicals in the opiate pill will flood your opiate receptors with dopamine which is Latin for Morphine. (So I've been told) if you needle was dull, or your veins are hard to find, and you miss the vein and the straight shot to the brain. Then you miss out on that 5-10 second wait for the flood of the opiates to reach your brain and give you what some call a "rush", but when I think of rush I think fast, like your first hit off the Crack or the first Cocain injection. With Cocain based drugs your rushing on up, your pupils blow out the size of your entire iris, and your wide awake feeling like best part of an orgasm, but with Crack, and Coke, if you smoke it or shoot it, it only lasts 3-4 minutes at the very most. After that first hit, you can do hit after hit all day and still not feel as good as that first hit. Of course after that rush, you want to feel it again, and again, and again...sure the second hit of Coke/crack feels 99.999% just as good, but the way Cocain works when smoked or shot is a bit like a mouse with an implant in his or her pleasure point of the brain that is connected to a button, and and if the mouse is given access to this button to push as much as it wished, it will keep pushing that button until it dies of hunger or thirst. That mouse won't do anything else that isn't an automatic body function. Crack heads are similar to the mouse with a pleasure button. The crack head may have been up 3 days straight hitting the crack pipe, even after the pleasure gained from each hit is not even close to as amazing that first hit was. When they reach a point where instead of the best feeling for 3 secs they feel just a .000003 of the first hit they start chasing the dragon, which is more a reference to smoking a drug not shooting it. Dragons being a mythical lizard like creature that flys and exhales fire flames, and smoke. In the 1960s a song was written, "Puff the Magic Dragon". I'm not sure of the entire lyrics. )I'll post them at the end.) was said to be about smoking marijuana. I will have to google the origins of the phrase "chasing the dragon" I believe the idea of drugs and chasing the dragon predate the song. For hundereds of years in China and Asia there were Opium Dens, opium is the rawest form of opiates which is produced by poppy flowers I've never smoked raw opium, so I can't attest to its effects. I've read it induces a dream like state, and smoking opium is addictive. Chinese as well as many other East Asian countries have a think about Dragons. I belive if I recall correctly it was a symbol of luck, and during the Chinese New Year back on Oahu, during the New Years parades there in China Town the dragon was the center of the parade. There were Dragon symbols everywhere. On food, on shopping bags, etc... Fuck I'm tired and as per usual I veered off my original topic and was too tired to re read!!