Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Everything is comming up roses

Good day all. I really want to go and get high right now. My parents are not home, for once, and I just took my methadone. If I went to China Town right now, and bought me some Zanax I could get nice and comfortable. Unfortunately I don't have any money left on my welfare card. I don't money put on it until the 5th of Oct.

I actually showered today. It was the first time in over a week. I have been going to the beach every other day, so I figure that is good enough, but my cooter started to stink so I figured I'd spare my parents the embarrassment of having to tell me my vagina smells, and took a shower.

Last night my dad was at the bar across the street from our apartment building, and he saw Shilo Laubouf, that kid from the new Indiana Jones flick. I guess he is filming a movie here, and wanted to go out to a shit hole where he figured no-one would recognize him, but unfortunately he was recognized right away by my dad. My dad didn't know his name, so this morning when he was telling me about it, I had no idea who he was talking about. He only remembered that he played a part in The Devil's Advocate about ten years ago. I still have no fucking clue who he was talking about, so I googled Devil's Advocate cast, and made my dad look at photos, and pick out which one he met. Sure enough he pointed out Shilo's photo.
I asked him why he didn't call me and and tell me to come over there, and see him, and he said he didn't think I'd be interested. Boy was he wrong. I would have loved to see my first famous person.

I guess now that we live in Waikiki, I should get used to seeing famous ppl. I know that Lost(the TV show on ABC) is filmed on this island. A bunch of the cast have gotten DUI's here. I think the cast of Lost needs to attend AA meetings. I'm being viscous, I don't believe in AA or NA, and if you read my myspace blog, you'd know why I don't believe in those 12 step groups. www.myspace.com/ppfaceannagrace is where you can read my regular blog.

If you don't already know, this is my new blog, and its really my side project. My myspace blog is my full time blog. This blog is good because no one i know reads this blog, so I can tell everything on this one. Like the fact that i have been using benzo's with my methadone lately, and haven't told anyone. Shit like that I can't write on myspace blog, because my family reads it, and they would tell my parents. I don't want to hurt my parents anymore than I already have. What they don't know can't hurt them. I feel like I need to tell someone about my "relapses" so there it is. I just told someone. That is if anyone reads this blog.
I'm gonna go for now, because I'm sitting on my balcony and the mid day sun is beating down on my legs and feet and its burning the fuck out of them. Thanks for reading my blog tho, if anyone is reading it.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Heroin fast reliable pain relief.

Good day to you everyone! So far my day has been uneventful. I went health food shopping here in Honolulu, and got a bunch of vegetarian food. BTW, I trying to become a vegetarian. I love animals too much to be eating them. I know I'm a loser.

I just started getting food stamps, and I still had 140 bucks on my card, and its almost the end of the month. If I don't use up the money by the end of the month its wasted. I had tried to use my food stamp card the other day when we went grocery shopping on the military base, where everything is much cheaper, but I was unable to use my food stamps because I'm not military. Only my mom and dad are, so they had to use their own money. So we already have tons of food in the house...we spent 500 dollars on groceries that day, but I had to use up this food stamp money. I figured what better way to use it up, than to go to the health food store, where everything is mega expensive, and splurge.

I forget that you guys don't know anything about me. Let me give you and overview quickly. I'm 25, fat, living with my mom and dad, unemployed, writing a book no-one will ever read, and I'm an heroin addict, well now I'm a methadone addict, since I'm one methadone treatment for the heroin addiction. The methadone is my saving grace. Without I wouldn't be able to function in society.
I'm living in Hawaii, but I'm from Wisconsin. Me, and mom and dad, just moved to Hawaii, in August. My mom is a traveling nurse, and that's why we moved here. She and I have lived here before, last summer, and we decided we wanted to come back, and this time indefinitely so we brought my dad. My dog Eleanor is here with us too. She is my everything. The main reason I stopped shooting dope is for her and my parents. Not for me. As soon as my parents pass on I plan on going back to the needle. I don't want my parents to die anytime soon tho, because I would be lost. I love mommy and daddy more than myself.
The reason I moved to Hawaii last summer is because I got kicked out of rehab, and was going to have to go to jail for 7 months. So I skipped state, and made my way to Hawaii, where my mom was. My dad was still in Michigan at the time, and my parents were separated(they are back together now). The reason I was suppose to go to jail is because I was on probation for writing out Dilauded prescriptions to myself. I ended up relapsing while on probation, and my PO gave me a second chance in rehab, but I just couldn't do it. I was not ready to stop. I had been on methadone treatment, while on probation, and I was using while on it, so my PO said I would not be able to go back on it ever in the state of Wisconsin. I would rather be dead than not be able to go back on methadone, so I was either going to shoot myself in the head, or I was going to make it to Hawaii. I had to hid out in Michigan by my dad for three weeks before I got to Hawaii, after I got kicked out of rehab. During that stay I attempted suicide, and ended up in ICU for three days, and killing one of my kidneys. I took 500, 325mg Aspirin, and a bottle of red wine. My dad found me and brought me to the hospital where I was revived, and the rest is history.
I attempted suicide on my dads birthday, and I hate myself for that. It was his 50th birthday too. Its along story as to why I attempted suicide, and it will be in my book. Actually all of this will be in my book.
I know this is hard to follow, I keep jumping from thought to thought without any seaway. I'm sorry, but I just wanna get this out. Another way you can catch up on who the hell I am is by going to my blog on My space, at www.myspace.com/ppfaceannagrace

Any fucking way, now here I am. In Hawaii, with my mom and dad, and dog. (I used to have a younger sister, but she died 5 years ago in a drunk driving accident, she was drunk, she was 19 years old, I was 20. Now I'm the only surviving daughter)

Really I don't know why I'm fucking blogging. I know nobody gives a shit about me, and will never read my pathetic blog, but it makes for a good practice writing. Which I need, because I'm a terrible writer. I want to go to some writing workshops, but I haven't found any so far. If anyone ever reads this, and by some chance knows of a writing workshop in Hawaii, on the island of Oahu, please email me and tell me about it.

Fuck...I give up. This blog sucks. I'm so sorry.

Where is my mind

Hello...everyone, and no-one. This is my first blog on blogger. I usually blog on myspace. You can read it at www.myspace.com/ppfaceannagrace I write every fucking day, and well I like to do it.
I don't have shit to say right now, because I just blogged on myspace. I suggest you check it out there.

I will write again tomorrow, and the next day...and every day after that, that I'm alive. Which may not be long, because I'm a junky, and I'm suicidal. I hate myself and want to die one minute, and the next minute I love myself and want to live.
The only reason I have not yet killed myself is because I don't want to kill my parents. Which I would do if I were to kill myself. They have already lost one daughter, in a car accident 5 years ago. My sister Angie was 19 when she died, and I was 20. I curse God for taking her, when she is the one who wanted to live, and I was the one who wanted to die. After Angie died, my parents told me if I were to die that they would kill themselves. My dad almost did already.
When I was seven, my grandpa killed himself at our house, and my dad found his body in our garage. That night he went out with his brothers and sisters, and got drunk. When he came home he attempeted suicide while me, my sister, and mom watched. Ever since then I have been obsessed with suicide. Everything about it I find interesting. Our family has suicide genes. There are very few Young's left because we have suicided ourselves out of existance. I find comfort in suicide. I find comfort that someday this will all stop, and I will cease to exist.
I want to finish my book before I do it tho. I am on chapter three, and I need to get my ass in gear and start writing everyday again. Since we moved from Wisconsin to Hawaii, I have been slacking on my book. I have been blogging too much. I'm afraid if I stop blogging for a day or two my readers will stop reading.
I don't know what I'm saying. Whatever nevermind. Bye