Tuesday, October 28, 2008

So today was a bit of a waste. I went down to the mall, and bought some benzos, enough to ween myself off, and yadi yadi yada. When I first got them, I took 2 pills right away. I was down to a half a benzo a day, and there I go fucking it up once again. I don't think I'll be hooked again. I mean, tomorrow if I take just a half a benzo I won't feel sick. It just doesn't work like that. At least opiate addiction doesn't work that way, benzo addiction I don't know. I've been hooked on benzos before, but I got myself off without any huge problems. This time, I don't know how the hell I'm gonna kick this shit. Its such stupid shit. I should just get my doctor to perscribe me some, and get it the fuck over with. I already told my doctor that I'm an addict, but some doctors don't have any idea about addiction, and well some doctors do perscribe addicts pain pills and benzos, sometimes even at the same time. Not all doctors, but enough. I wouldn't have to look hard to find one. I could even find a doctor to perscribe me Dilauded even tho I'm on methadone treatment, and I could get him to write me a script to 5mg Valium too.
No I'm not going to that. I don't feel like it. Plus if I find a doctor to write me Dilauded and Valium I may as well quite the clinic, and become and addict, since it would be totally legal.
Although as an addict, I know my addiction grows and grows, and sooner or later the doctor wouldn't be able to write me enought Dilauded to keep me high, and sooner or later I'd be out on the street buying H.
I know the clinic is the best place for me, and telling my councler eveything on my mind is a good thing too. Right?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Not much to say. Just feeling like writing. It was raining out for the past day and an half. Suddenly the sun came out. Its still humid as fuck outside, but the sun is shining.

As far as the benzo use goes, I only have half of one left, and I'm going to take it tomorrow, and thats it. Done. No more benzo's, no more going down to 4th St. Hell, and no more self pity.

The biggest mistake I made since I got here, was that day I was in the mall, and seen so and so, and waved him over to talk to me. WTF, was I thinking. Wait...I wasn't thinking, I was high on benzo's. I should've let so and so walk by and not said a single word to him.

In way tho, I think shit sometimes happens for a reason, and since I talked to him, I finally made him hate me. I don't have to worry about him wanting to be my friend, I burned a big bridge I had to getting dope, which means I'm not getting any kind of Heroin in the near futer. Not that I'd be out looking for it right now anyway. Not with the methadone treatment. Thank you God for methadone treatment.
I'm slowly but surely comming outta of depression, and going back into mania. Which I enjoy. Lord only knows what will happen when I get stabelized on bi polar meds, and have "normal" moods. No more, Up so high I can't come down, down so low I get up. Even. What the hell will that be like?
I guess I'll find out Nov. 10th. It will probably take a while for the damn Docs to find the right dose and combo of meds to get me stable.
As long as I stay off uppers, I should be good. Uppers wreak the most havoc on my mind. I live in my head, I rarely let my thoughts out, unless its on paper in a journal, or on a blog. On uppers I let it all out. Which isn't such a good thing. My thoughts are FUCKED UP! To say the least. My mind works in such a fucked up way, when I tell psyhc docs, what I really think about, they want to put me in patient treatment. So often I don't tell them what I'm really thinking. I've learned to make them believe I'm okay.
This doc, I'm seeing on Nov 10th, I'm telling the whole truth to this one. I have to. I want to go back to school, and if going in paitent mental hospital is what I have to do to get there, I will. I am going to obtain my goal. At any cost. If I die before I do, I will be pissed the fuck off. That is unless I fall back into my dark deep black depressions.

I guess, running, eating healthy, and being honest with my parents and councler(s) is what I have to...need to do, to stay alive, and obtain my goal. Finish this wonderfull book. Start my next wonderfull book.
When the ideas dry up, then I will find Heroin again, get off the methadone, and find peace in that.
So for today, I love myself, and want to live. I am a talented writer, and can and will finish my book, which will be published, and be on number one on NYC bestsellers list. For everyday, I am alive, free, and able to write, I am thankfull. Everyday, I have my parents and family I am thankfull. I am sooo excited to have my Aunt come and visit in Nov. I could pee my pants.

I need a personal assistant. If anyone is interested please email me your resume. leave a comment, and I will get your email, from there we will find out how to go about this.

Anna Grace

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Lordy lordy, I don't know where the lies begin and where the truth starts.

I'm going to make an attempt at comming completely clean.

As far as using goes, I have been using benzo's on a daily basis now for the entire month of October. I go to where I go, and buy them, I get $40 worth at a time, so I don't have to go down to the hell very much.
I've gotten myself hooked on benzo's again. I've tried to go a day or two without, and that feeling of needing to have them has returned. I get sweaty, and cold, my nose runs, my body feels tired, I get moody, and depressed. Even after I take the methadone, I still feel this way. So I know its not Opiate sickness. Its benzo sickness.

As far as Opiates go, I have used Heroin once since I've been here in Hawaii. It was about a week and a half ago. It was a waste of time, money, and sucking up to people I didn't want suck up to.
I figured that since I'd already went so far as to use Heroin again, and since the Heroin wasn't getting me high, becuase of the methadone, that I would try Meth. I did this drug twice. The first time I enjoyed it, but the second time it was a let down. Upper just are not, and never will be my thing. I smoked the meth, did not inject.

I can honestly say, those two drugs(Heroin, and Ice) I will not be trying again, anytime soon. I would luv to use Heroin again, but as long as I'm on the methadone treatment, I can't get high off of it. The fact that I am bi polar, means the Crystal Meth, reaks havoc with my brain chemsitry. I felt this great rush, and was so talkitive, I would say anything just to keep the conversation going. Which as Charile knows I did. I figured the lie about having a baby would allow me to get a endless supply of drugs. Of cource when I sobered up enough and realized what I had done, I came clean, and told him that there is no kid. I have never had a child. Which I'm sure he will never forgive me for, and well, that probably the best thing that came out of the whole ordeal.

I cannot, and do not want to be around Charlie. I can't help myself when I'm around him, if I have money on me, I ask him to cope dope for me. Which ever dope I want, and he does it. It took me telling him, I had a child by him, and then telling him the truth, to finally get him out of my life. Then so be it. He can hate me all he wants. Its just hurting him in the end. I'm happy to be rid of him. He leaves these anyonmoys messgages, saying a bunch mean stuff, and it makes me laugh. I'm sorry, but what a waste of time.

Since that day I told the truth about not having a child, I began weaning myself off the benzo's. I'm down to a half of millagram a day now. Which means soon, hopefully, I will be back to my normal self. No more 4th St. Hell, no more so and so's, and no more dope.

I've got the world at my fingertips. I can go back to school and learn how to write like a real writer writes. I can learn. I can read. I can write. I can move on with my life.
No more Peter, no more Oconto Falls, no more Wisconsin. Just school, and admitting that I have a mental illness, that needs to be medicated.
Which to go back to school, and get the grant, I will have to be stabelized on bi polar meds, and on my methadone. I cannot be treated with Lithium, because its an MIO inhibotor, which means I wouldn't be able to take methaodne with it. I'm not exacty sure which bi polar meds are out there, nor which combonation of them will work to keep my mood stablized.
Which I'm afraid of. What if I become stable, and lose the ablity to write? To be an artist you have to be in pain. You have to suffer. At the moment I'm suffering too much to write. So if I can find that balance i'll get back to my book.
FYI, I did not have intercource with Charlie. I have not had sex since Pete and I had sex when I first got back from Hawaii the last time. I comming up on a year, and it feels good.

I am still running evey other day, and eating as healthy as I can. The best I can. The benzo's make me crave sweets even more than the just the methaodne. Still I have been eating Mini Shreaded wheats, instead of a Peanut M&M's. Which has also been helping with my bowel movements. I have been doing #2 if not at least once a day then twice a day.

Yes, and the swealing on my foot from where I injected the Heroin and missed my vien, is going down. Actually its pretty much all the way gone. Thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to die from it. Which so and so would have probably loved.
Move on so and so. MOve on. Now you hate me, it shouldn't be that hard.

I'm getting tired, so I'm gonna take a nap, and read, until I fall esleep.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Let me just say, the last blog was completly false. I made the whole damn thing up. I was at some guys house, and I wanted to buy more Ice(a drug I hate, but needed something to get high off) and he wouldn't call his "people", so I told him I had his kid, and well that didn't work either. So if you follow my blog on myspace you know that I told him the truth, and well now he's pissed off.
Who wouldn't be. Fuck, I know I'm worthless, and useless, and stupid, and a lier. I don't much like the guy anyway. He just as if not more fucked up than I am, and I can't stand me, so having him around is too fucking much. I'm glad that if making up a story about having his kid, is what it took to get rid of him, so be it.
The best part of this whole story, is this guy, who I lied to about the baby, calls my dad, and tells my dad that I'm using Ice. To get back at me I guess. Really all he did was hurt my dad. My poor father who worries himself to death about me, non stop because I use heroin, gets a phone call from some pathetic loser trying to get back at me for lieing to him about having his kid. The shit I put my partents thru, I shouldn't even be allwoed to be alive.
I can tell you one thing, tho, I will never do ice again. I hate uppers. Its just not my taste, and the only reason I even tried it is because it was around, and because I had some extra money, and since I'm on a high dose of methadone, I can't get high off Heroin.
So Thats about it.
I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew that I was leing. I was manipulating. I was being a cunt. I am a waste of space. Yeah.
Judge me if you will. I do.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I just told a huge seceret

I just told one of my biggest secerets. I used some uppers and my secerets came pourning out of me.
I was at so and so's house. I was asking him a bunch of questions about his childhood, and how he views his life. I told him I was profileing him. Which in a way I was. Me mum has a book about pyschology profiling, and when I got back to my place I plan on looking up the info I found out on this person.
The seceret I told so and so, was about the baby girl I had on May 28th 2008. I had the baby in that place I don' dare mention, and was only allowed seven totally days bondingwith Annagrace. I did not put a fathers name on the birth certifict. I knew that the dads were either one guy I dated or the other guy that I slept with once out of blue, but we were just buddies. There is no way in the world, i would tell the one night stand guy that I may have had his child.
The other guy, I finally came out and told him that I had a little girl, and she might be his. Annagrae jr, is living back home in the Midwest with family members I trust very very much.
I came to Hawaii without her, because I didn't think I would make a good mommy. I use drugs, lie, steal, I cheat, I manipulate, I am emotionally imature. I'm about as mature as a the baby herself. She is almost six months old. and finally she will find out who her daddy is. Her daddy is also a drug addict. Poor girl.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Serve the servents...oh NO!

Trying to get clean with methadone treatment. Using benzo's tho. I hate being an addict. SOMETIMES!

What the fuck, I opened up a new blog to post, and when I opened it up the blog hat that first sentence above already written in it. Really WTF?

I don't know really remember my last few blogs, I wrote them while I was a bit "not myself", and well I guess I'll tell you what the fuck I wanna because its my god damn blog.
Last Saturday(I think) I hooked up with a freind, and scored some Heroin. As you all know I'm on 130mgs of methadone, which blocks the affectes of the H. So I shoot up 3 full grams of Heroin, never once did I feel that warm fuzzy feeling, I didn't even think I felt anything, until a we ran out of H, (because I did it all, almost 600 dollars worth of H) and I got up to leave. I was all pissy because I just poked my hands and feet over and over again. So and so only had 50cc syringes, and I prefer 100cc syringes. I like to put a lot of water in my shots so they don't look so black, so I can see the blood blossom in. Also all the veins in my arm are shot, I'll never be able inject in my arm behind my elbow again. Which really sucks, because you can hide those tracks, but on your hands and feet, in Hawaii, there is no hideing them.
Anyway, I left when the dope ran out, and thought I wan't high at all, until I got on the bus. First of all, I feel on my way up the bus steps, then I nodded out, and dropped my purse about 50 times. I missed my drop off, and had to ride the damn bus an extra hour, to get home. When I finally made it home, me mum and dad where not home(thank god) so I just sat watching the tube, and smoking ciggies, while burning myself with them as I nodded out. Even tho I was nodding, I didn't feel that feeling. I'm starting to HATE this methadone. When I wanna relapse and get high, I don't want to have to spend 600 bucks, and not even feel a thing.
Moving on, so I injected this H into my hands and feet about a week ago yesterday. Its Sunday, and my hands and feet are still swollen. Its still painfull to the touch. My mom has been making me stay off my feet, and keep both my feet and hand elevated. Who the hell knows what that H was cut with? I do it was good H, because I using with a few other hardcore junkies(not on "done) and they were higher than fuck. Both of them couldn't believe I didn't OD. At that point I didn't care if I ODed. I just wanted to get off.

So on Friday(two days ago), I went down the the mall where I score, and I bought 40 bucks of bars. My tolerance for the bars is going up too. When I first started using benzo's with my "done" it only took me two to get to that "place", and now it takes at least 4 to get to that "place".
I was hooked on benzo's at one point in my life before, and I can feel the sickness creeping in again, when I try to not use them for a day or two. I try to keep my benzo intake at 3 to 4 times a week, so I can stave off getting hooked, and so I can stave off getting hooked on 'em. FYI, its not working. Every morning, first though is, "I'm gonna take some benzo's today, maybe only two today, just to keep feeling ok, but not great". I have take homes, so I only go to the clinic three times a week. So I can take my dose whenever I feel like it. Today, I think I'm gonna take it at around9 or 10am, then I'm gonna take 4 bars, and then I'm gonna try to get the fuck outta the house.

I am my own pet virus, I get to pet her whenever I want. My own shit is her milk, her milk is my shit. I gotta look on the bright side, suicide. Don't stay, Don't stare, look on the bright side suicide. I am going to kill myself. Not today, but someday. Alone, nightime, with no-one. Sit up and drink antifreeze because its so sweet, steal the life thats inside of me. I took my own insides out.
If I can't get high anymore, lifes not worth living. I'm so dumb, I'm so dumb, I'm so dumb, rape me.
Whats wrong with me, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with me. Load your gun, shot at the can, what is wrong with me, what is wrong me, what is wrong with me?
I'll come back as fire, and burn all the liers, leave a blanket of ahses on the ground.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Trying to get clean with methadone treatment. Using benzo's tho. I hate being an addict. SOMETIMES!
This past week has been pretty much a drug fueled week. On Thursday of last week, I went downtown to China Town. I walked into the 4th St. Mall, and made the rounds looking for someone to sell me some Zanax Bars. It only took 10 minutes of looking, and I came across so and so, and I got a steal on about 30 bars, for 20 bucks. They were all broken in peices, so he wanted to get rid of them, asap, so he'd just not have to deal with them anymore. I of course took them off his hands, and paid him an extra ten bucks to show him, I apperciate his business.
So I took 4 of the Zanax bars, and sat down towards the end of the mall(where everyone who is waiting for thier high to kick in sits.
Who do I see walk past as I'm sitting waiting for the pills to break up in my stomache and start to run thru my blood stream. None other than "Chaz", a guy who says he is inlove with me. We get to talking to, and I tell him where to get some benzo's for himself. ( I don't sell, don't need to take that risk) Then Chaz came back, and I asked if he could get me some black tar. He said YES! So he made some phone calls, and got a hold of a "dealer" who would sell to him.
A half an hour later, we are in Chaz's squaler, injecting the Heroin into our veins.
I need to mention that I'm on 130mgs of Methadone at the Methadone clinic, so it takes a lot, lot, lot of H to get me high. Chaz only got me about a quarter. Which I injected, and didn't feel a thing. Although, Chaz had only the 50cc syringes, and I use the 100cc syringes, because its easier for me to to inject with a full unit syringe. By the time I was done poking at my veins with there half an unit syringe, I was covered in brusies, and bumps from missing.
I had to go home, and Knew my mom would see the the tracks. Of course my junky self kicked in and I denied the whole thing. I blammed it one, how tired I was, or how high my methadone dose is. Which I had been lying to my parents for about 6 months now, telling them I was at 10mgs, when I was really at 130mgs the whole while, I've been on the methadone treatment.
My dad was sooooo disapointed in me. He's made me promise that'd I'd never touch drugs again, because if I did, it would kill him. He says he can't take me using Heroin anymore.

Since last Thursday, I've been loaded on Heroin, and benzo bars. All the days are sorta blurred together, and it seems like it went by really fast. Whenever I'm on drugs time flies.
On Wendsday, was the first time I was didn't have any drugs in my system since Thursday the week before, I had been loaded. My blogs took two hours or longer to blog(on myspace) because I kept nodding out in the middle of a sentence, and would have to re read the entire paragraph to make the blog understandable.
My parents were on my ass the entire time, runing my high. I was sooooooooo fucking pisssed off. I have to admitt, on Saturday when I went to Chaz's squaler and he bought me three grams of H, and I ate about 4 Zanax bars. I kept doing one gram at a time, trying to catch that elusive, warm, fuzzy, happy feeling. Each shot I took I never felt it. Finally after I injected the last of the third gram, and made some excuse to go home(I think it was to go get some benzo's) it finally broke thru my Methadone blocker. Eleanor was with me, in that shit hole, the size of a closet, and as dirty as it gets. I just wanted to get high, and get the hell outta there. Chaz had bought the entire three grams of H on his credit cards. I didn't pay a cent for that high. I'm glad too, because It wasn't worth it.
I will not be doing H again until I have been off the methadone for at least a month and a half. By then my tolerance should be low enough that I could get loaded off a Q instead of three grams. Thats a more reasonalbe habit to handle and pay for, without having to sell my icky body to disgusting men. Hopefull I can keep my habit just a chip for a while, and when it gets too out of control I can go back to the methadone clinic.
That is if I don't die before I get to the clinic in time.
A freind of mine from my clinic ODed last week. He was one of the nicest guys I had ever met down at the Mall.
I found out from Chaz, who tells me the news like its some kind of interesting gossip, and not a man whose life was just take away from him because of his addiction. Sooner or later that is going to me and Chaz, or one of us at least.
The guy who ODed, I called Knuckes, because he awalys wore these cool rings on all his fingers. His real name was Mitch. He was in his early 40s, and a great guy. He had just gotten his new teeth, and he was looking good. Then he failed a UA, and got all his takehomes taken away, which ment he had to go to the clinic every mroning. Which ment he had to go past 4th St. Hell, where temptations are sooo high, just the smell of the mall gives me severe cravings. Mitch had alot of take home doses, I think he only had to go to the clinic once a month. He was persribed Zanax bars(but he never sold his) so he didn't get his take homes taken away for popping positive for benzo's. He must have done some H or some rock, or some Ice, and thats why it got taken away.
If only he wouldn't have gotten those doses taken away, he may still be alive today. I hope to god, that Mitch is resting in Peace somewheres, where the pain of his illness no longer hurts him everday. I hope he no longer wakes up with the first thought, isn't of how he is going to get his next fix. I hope he is at peace. Mitch you will be missed. In my heart and mind always and forever until I too die. I promise to mention you in my book so as to imortalize you in some small way. Addiction is a disease, its incureable, and its progressive.
There has to be a better way to treat people with addictions. Maybe just giving them their drugs and monitering them, making sure its not getting way too out of control. No more throwing us in prison, and trying to "scare us straight", because you sure as hell can't scare a diabetic straight.

I hope someday, probably after I'm long gone, addiction, and addicts will be treated like any other person with disease, thats incureable, but managable with the right treatments.
Addicts are NOT, lesser than human, they do have will power, they do have a disease that needs to be treated with medication and therapy, not with punishment.
Being an addict at this point in time, I feel like an animal. If I have a relapse, I get my nose rubbed in it, as if I were a dog who had an accidnet and peed on the carpet. The poor dog just had to go potty, and you were too lazy to take him/her out when him/her needed to taken out. The addicted just needed to get his medicine before he got sick, and was forced to do something "wrong" to get what he/she needed.

Opiate addicts are so very lucky to have Methadone treatment! We have a medication that lets us function in society, as a productive memeber of society! If they want to be. I don't want to be a productive member of soceity, I want to write books, and live in peace and quiet. I wish that someday when I've reached my goals, and have contributed my part to our society, and I'm an "over the hill" adult, that I could use Heroin, clean Heroin(not street shit), I'm talking Heroin the goverment supplies to us, and makes sure its safe.

Sorry I went off on a rant there. I used three benzo bars today along with my methaodne. I don't feel high. I'm functioning, and writing this blog without nodding out ever other sentence. I'm scared tho. I don't want to go back to that place that I don't dare mention. I am so thankfull for all I have in my life right now. My family is healthy, my dog is here, and healthy, I have health insuracne, I'm getting an income(from the goverment) I might get on SSI for being Bi Polar, which would mean I could go to collegee for free, and learn how to really write.

May God's will be done unto me and my family ! I'am so very thankfull for everything he as given me and my family. I have everything to be thankfull for! Freedom most of all. Love, hope, health, happiness...everything!

I am a beautiful, smart, talented, witty, loving, writer, who will be at a healthy weight in the next 6 to 8 months. I love myself and I want to live. I love my family, and want the best for them, and want to make them proud of me, and me proud of myself. I want to find a balance in m addicion.
love you all

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I feel like using, but I can't. Why can't I? Well because....
I am on methadone treatment. I have been for almost two full years. Three if you count the year I was on it, but there was a year I was off it before getting back on it. Anyway, I've been strung out on pills and heroin since I was just about 18. It started because my dad has back problems, and is perscribed pain pills. When I first started he was prescribed Percocets, alot of them. Alot more than he took, so he never noticed when I took half the bottle.
I remember clearly the day I took my first Opiate/perc. I had a head ache, and my mom gave me one of my dads pills to make it go away, because we didn't have any Advil in the house. As soon as the pill dissolved in my blood stream, and started coursing thru my veins, I found what I was looking for. I found peace/love/happiness/everything. After that, I started to take them on weekends, and I stopped hanging out with people, because all I needed was those pills.Fast forward a year, and
Somehow, I ended up meeting Pete, by the time I met Pete, I was using Percs, everyday. I didn't realize I was physically hooked yet.
A few weeks after Pete and I started dating, my dad ended up getting prescribed Oxycontin. I was 19 and a half. I introduced Pete to Oxys, and well, my life was all sunshine and cany bars. Until my little sister, Angie, who was 13 months younger than me, and my only sibling, was killed in a car accident. My life, my families life fell apart. My dad began abusing his pills, which ment less for me. Me and Pete moved to a different city, and my mom and dad moved to a different state. In the City I found heroin, and needles. I had always wanted to using IV drugs, and fulfilled my goal. This is when I lost it. I became a full on junky. Lieing, stealing, cheating, fucking, anything, and everything to get my next fix. Somehow, Pete didn't get strung out. He was always able to walk away from it. Lucky bastard.
I on the other hand, started to do the doctor scamming. I was getting my doc to prescribe me 8mg Dilauded aka hydromorphon. Hospital heroin. I liked getting the pills better than the heroin, because I thought it was safer, and less likely I'd end up in jail. After a few months tho, my doc figured out I wasn't in pain, I was a junky, and began to wean me off. Now my mom is a nurse so I know quite a bit about pills from her, and from my own addiction, I also know alot about diseases. I started going from doc to doc, and telling doctors I was HIV positive, and that I had a HIV neuropathy that was very painful, and it worked. I was getting lots and lots of pills. I don't have HIV.
I wanted HIV tho. In my mind if I had HIV, I would no longer have to find a new doc every time a doc figured out I didn't have HIV. So I knew a few people who did have HIV and I purposely used one of their dirty needles. Meanwhile, I'm still with Pete, but we aren't having sex anymore, because I'm much too strung out for that. I had to wait six months to find out if I really did get HIV from my sharing of needles with a HIV pos. person. During that six months, I was still working docs, and using heroin.
Fast forward a year, and I still don't have HIV. By this time, I sort of regretted what I had done, and didn't want HIV. Yet, on the other hand I did, because it would solve all my problems. I wouldn't have to worry about killing myself with drugs because I had HIV, and I would be getting drugs legally because I had HIV, but the thing is, I must have a guardian angel because I didn't get it. Its been 3 or 4 years since I put that tainted needle in my arm, and I still don't have HIV. I get tested every three months. By this time, no doctors were prescribing me my meds. I had gone to every doc in the state, and there was no more. So I made an appointment and ended up stealing a prescription paper, and writing out my own hydromorphon script. Which I got away with the first time. The second time not so lucky.
I didn't get caught right away, it was about a week later, a detective calls me and starts asking questions about persriptions, and I knew I was fucked, so I took off down to Florida with Pete. We tried to stay down there, and I did my scam on docs down there, but it was a lot harder in Fl. We ended up coming back to Wisconsin, and I ended up getting picked up. I went to jail and the next day was realised on 2500 signature bond.
I had to get a lawyer, and I called my parents and told them everything. They got me a lawyer, and got me into rehab. 22 days later I was kicked out of rehab for using, and that's when I found the methadone clinic. So I got on the methadone. By this time, Pete wouldn't live with me anymore, because I had stole too much money from him in the past, and I couldn't' leave the state to live my parents, because of my signature bond. So I moved into a homeless shelter.
Meanwhile, my mom moves to Hawaii as a traveling nurse. She was only suppose to go for three months, and my dad stayed in Michigan. She ended up staying a year and a half.
Fast forward a few months in the homeless shelter. I find myself a new place, and I am on the methadone, and I'm doing good. Not using. I have my own place, and am by myself for the first time in my adult life. No boyfriend to take care of me.
While I was in rehab I met a few new friends, and for a while we were all doing good, but one by one they started to relapse, and one by one, I was getting new drug connections. Better heroin, more pills and crack. Since I was on the methadone, I couldn't get high off heroin or any opiates anymore, because that's what the methadone does. So I start to smoke crack and shoot coke. Which I hate. I'm naturally a anxious person, and coke only makes that worse, but I needed to escape somehow. So I gave in and started using it full bore, just like I had done with heroin. I hated every single minute of my coke addiction, but I love every single minute of my heroin addcition. I get out of hand again. I'm on probation for the Prescription fraud. One day I call my councilor at the methadone clinic, and ask her for help, I wanted to stop using coke. Instead of help she calls my PO on me and I get put in jail. I was on 140mgs of methadone a day, and taking at least 100 mg of Valium a day when I was put in jail, not to mention the coke. So in jail I had to with drawl from all of that. I had been thru withdrawals before, but they paled in comparison to these withdrawls. I wanted to die. I had to die. I tried to kill myself, but didn't succeed. I was put in solitary confinement for three days, naked. In solitary I puked shit, and pissed on myself. I didn't sleep a wink for 8 days while going thru withdraws. The guards would come in my cell and spray me off once a day.
After 13 days I was let out of jail, and brought back to the same rehab that had kicked me out last time. My PO told me I wouldn't be able to go back on methadone. All I wanted was to be able to go back on methadone, and start over. I had had enough, and i knew I couldn't stop without the methadone. I needed it. So I stayed in rehab for about 2 weeks, and ended up using in rehab again. Before I got caught tho, I skipped out and skipped state. Otherwise I would have had to do 7months in jail. Luckily my parents still didn't give up on me. My dad bought me a ticket to Hawaii, so I could get on methadone down there, and live with my mom. My parents were split up at the time.
I moved to Hawaii, and got on the methadone. I did really good in Hawaii for about 5 months. My longest clean time since I started using. Then...I relapsed, on Heroin. I ended up getting picked up hooking(long story) I have never had sex for money tho. for drugs yes, but not for money. I was put in jail, and my parents found out the next day. My dad flew to Hawaii from Michigan to save us. My mom was drinking heavily at the time too. We ended up going back to Wisconsin, because my dad had moved back to Wisconsin. I was terrified to go back. I was wanted in Wisconsin. Luckily the methadone clinic in Hawaii set me up with a clinic in Green Bay Wisconsin where we lived, and when I got to Wisconsin, I was so thank full to be on methadone and not in jail, that I didn't touch a thing for a year. Then my mom got another job in Hawaii, and this time both my parents and I moved to Hawaii. This is present time now. We got here in August. I am still on the methadone here. I was clean a full year. I still am clean of heroin, but I have dabbled in benzo's again.
Which I'm gonna stop doing, because its not fucking worth it. They don't make me high enough. I want to use heroin, but I don't want to. I want to be high, but I don't want to go back to jail. So I'm staying straight now.
That's my life in a nut shell. There is a shit load I didn't tell you. I have a book for that. This is just a blog that I'm writing because my dad came home drunk and passed out on the chair, so i cant watch TV. So took the puter in my room and decide to blog.
I hope you sort of understand. I am 25 years old.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I am a useless junky, why not kill myself?

All I did today was sleep. I got up and went to the clinic, and then came home, blogged on myspace, checked out my emails, and watched some TV until I passed out. When I take benzo's (which I did yesterday) I can still feel the effects the next day. So today while I was blogging on myspace, I kept nodding out. Then while I was passed out on the couch, I'd wake up to smoke a ciggy, and end up nodding out and dropping the smoke. For whatever reason benzo's mixed with methadone make me want to smoke more, and makes me crave chocolate.
Right now, as I sit here blogging this, I feel like shit. I feel like I need to shoot up some dope, or sleep. My methadone usually stops this feeling, but when I mix it with a benzo the methadone metabolizes faster, and therefore doesn't last as long, which sends me into cravings. I just want to be high, but its almost impossible to get a good high when your on methadone. Which right now is pissing me the fuck off.
At this minute I want to get off the methadone for two or three days, let myself withdrawal, and on the third day buy some tar, and bang it...that would feel soooooooooo good. I would need to have enough tar to keep myself high, because I don't want to feel like I do right now.
Unfortunately for me, I can't take a three day break from the clinic, because my mother and father would become suspicious and there is no way I could get some tar, and shoot it up, without my parents noticing that I'm high.
I guess, when the right time comes along for me to go back to using, I will know. Right now must not be the right time.
I hope I don't get hooked on benzo's again, because last time that happened, I would swell up to like twice my normal size, and feel like shit for a week or more. I didn't even realize that I was going thru benzo withdrawal when this happened. I didn't figure it out, until one day while I was sick I went to the mall and picked up a Zanax bar, took it and felt better.
I'm gonna end this blog, and go take a shower, brush my fucking teeth, and try to feel better. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I got high today...

So today I went to the library here in Hawaii to get a library card, and to borrow some books. The library I went to is close to China Town's Fourth St. Mall, and in 4th St. Mall is where you go if you want to pick up some benzos. (Benzodiazopens aka Valium and Zanax ect...) I bought two Zanax bars, and ate them as soon as I bought them. I had already took my methadone today, and about 15 minutes after swallowing the Zanax bars I was feeling no pain. After I picke up the bars, and ate them, I caught the bus back home, so my parents wouldn't suspect anything. Then when I got home, I had to try an act as normal as possible. When I'm high on bars mixed with my methadone, I get more talkitive than usuall, and about two hours after that, I start to nod out in mid sentence.
So when I got home I finished up the laundrey, and picked up the house. Both mom and dad where lying down in bed. My mom has to work tonight, and dad went to the bar after she left for work. THANK GOD! So now I'm here by myself. I was just blogging on myspace, and in the middle of blogging I kept nodding out, and had to keep re reading what I was writing to make sure it made enough sense. I hope it did, before I posted it didn't proof it, and there is no spell check on myspace blog.
I couldn't blog about this on myspace, because my aunts read it, and so do close friends. If they knew I was using bezo's again they would very dissapointed in me, and they might even tell my parents. I don't my paretns to know, becaue I don't want to dissapoint them anymore than I already have. They keep complimenting me on how good I'm doing, and saying they are so proud of me. Which feels so good.
I look at this way...at least I'm not using Heroin right now. I'm no longer putting needles in my hands, arms, and feet, sometimes neck. I'm no longer sharing needles. All I'm doing is taking some pills once every other week, so I can feel good. Some people have there beer after work once a week, and some people take their prescibed valium at night to relax, and I take my methadone, and two Zanax bars to escape for a few hours. I don't really think thats a huge deal.

I have been contemplating taking two or three days off my methadone, and on the second or thrid day buying some smack and getting really loaded. I would have to be carefull, because I'm not sure if my tolerance is high from the 130mgs of methadone I have been taking for the past two years, or if it would be low because methadone is a syntetic opioid, and Heroin is a real opioid. I don't know who I would buy the Smack from. I'm sure I could make a few calls and find someone who could get me a gram or so. I would need to rent a hotel room for a day or two so I wouldn't be here wiht mom and dad. I don't know if they would allow me to rent a hotel room by myself. They might be suspicous. They are suspicous of everything I do. If I come home later than I said I would, I get accused of using, even if I didnt.

Then on the other hand. I alway regret buying there zanax the next day. I feel gulity, and like a faliure when I come down from the euphoria, and back to reality. I want to stay clean. I don't want to become a strung out junky again, or at least not until my book is done. I would also like to wait until I have shopped it around to publishers. I doubt that it will ever get published, I mean there is too many drug addict books out there. I like to read books about addicts, and Heroin users in particular. I always have. The reason I became such a big fan of Kurt Cobain( aside from his amazing music) is because he was a junky. I have always been facinated by Heroin junkies, and by heroin itself. Its such a glamous drug in some ways. The fact that some of the best musicans of my time, and even before my time, have become addicted to and have died from Heroin addiction. Not always from oding, sometimes from suicide. Which another thing I have been obesessed with since childhood, ever since my grandpa killed himself in our garage, and my dad found him, and that night I watched my dad try to kill himsefl too. For some reaon I find comfort in the fact that I will be dead someday, and no one will remember me. I will not live forever, but hopefull I can create something that will live forever, and be remembered forever.

I got to go for now. Survivour is on, and I love reality TV. I know I'm a huge fucking pathetic loser. Always have been, and always will be.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Today is just another boring day. I'm sitting in my bedroom, blogging here on blogger. I haven't blogged on myspace yet today.
I just got of the phone with my health insurance company, I had to pick a plan, and tell them to send me a list of PCP's so I can pick one. Before that I was on the phone with the quit smoking line. I want them to send me some nicotine patches, but to get the patches, I have to talk with this quit coach once a week. This shit better work.
The reaon I called today, is because, lastnight during my and dad's run, I was weezing like a 50 year old. My dad kept yelling at me because I couldn't keep up with him. Then when he herd me wheezing he really got angry. He used to be an Air Born Ranger, and he said when he was my age, he would run 5 miles everyday, with a hangover. He smoked a pack of ciggertts, and drank a case of beer, and could still run faster than me. I felt like shit. Not from the run, but from the verbal abuse I took during the run from my wonderful father. I tried to tell, I' m trying my hardest to keep up to him, but he thinks I should magically be able to run as fast as him. I just started running daily last week. It takes time to build up the abilty to run a mile without stopping to catch your breath, or to run faster.
The whole while I was running, I was whishing I could run by myself, but I know if I did that, I would walk more than run. At least with my dad he keeps me movitaed to run as hard as I can, and for as long as I can. When we are finished with the run, I always feel so good. When runners say they get a high after a run they are telling the truth. Of course its no where near as good as a heroin high, but the running high is worth the hard work. Plus at night I sleep really good, and my body hurts in a good way. The way that tells me I am working my muscles, and they are happy to be being used again.
Well, thats it for now. I gotta save something for my blog on myspace. Where people acctually read it.