Friday, October 3, 2008

I am a useless junky, why not kill myself?

All I did today was sleep. I got up and went to the clinic, and then came home, blogged on myspace, checked out my emails, and watched some TV until I passed out. When I take benzo's (which I did yesterday) I can still feel the effects the next day. So today while I was blogging on myspace, I kept nodding out. Then while I was passed out on the couch, I'd wake up to smoke a ciggy, and end up nodding out and dropping the smoke. For whatever reason benzo's mixed with methadone make me want to smoke more, and makes me crave chocolate.
Right now, as I sit here blogging this, I feel like shit. I feel like I need to shoot up some dope, or sleep. My methadone usually stops this feeling, but when I mix it with a benzo the methadone metabolizes faster, and therefore doesn't last as long, which sends me into cravings. I just want to be high, but its almost impossible to get a good high when your on methadone. Which right now is pissing me the fuck off.
At this minute I want to get off the methadone for two or three days, let myself withdrawal, and on the third day buy some tar, and bang it...that would feel soooooooooo good. I would need to have enough tar to keep myself high, because I don't want to feel like I do right now.
Unfortunately for me, I can't take a three day break from the clinic, because my mother and father would become suspicious and there is no way I could get some tar, and shoot it up, without my parents noticing that I'm high.
I guess, when the right time comes along for me to go back to using, I will know. Right now must not be the right time.
I hope I don't get hooked on benzo's again, because last time that happened, I would swell up to like twice my normal size, and feel like shit for a week or more. I didn't even realize that I was going thru benzo withdrawal when this happened. I didn't figure it out, until one day while I was sick I went to the mall and picked up a Zanax bar, took it and felt better.
I'm gonna end this blog, and go take a shower, brush my fucking teeth, and try to feel better. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.


SICKGIRL said...

Hi there,

I just came upon your blog while randomly reading some here at Blogger so I thought I would take a moment to introduce myself, as well as wish you success with your current MMT. I, myself, have now been on it since January 2006 and am currently in the process of tapering down my dose with the goal of eventually tapering my dose down to next to nothing. This is my second time. I was on MMT ten years ago for two and a half, and managed at that time to taper myself off of it and then stay away from opiates entirely for an additional three years.

Anyway, if you are at all interested, you can read about my experiences with opiate addiction and maintenance at my journal as my archives currently go back to the fall of 2004.

Hope you continue to write, as I look forward to reading what you may have to share.

peace, love and happiness...


Anonymous said...

Instead of walllowing in self-pity for the situation that YOU created why don't you try something novel--- GET A JOB, SUPPORT YOURSELF, MOVE OUT OD MOMMY AND DADDY's HOME.