All I did today was sleep. I got up and went to the clinic, and then came home, blogged on myspace, checked out my emails, and watched some TV until I passed out. When I take benzo's (which I did yesterday) I can still feel the effects the next day. So today while I was blogging on myspace, I kept nodding out. Then while I was passed out on the couch, I'd wake up to smoke a ciggy, and end up nodding out and dropping the smoke. For whatever reason benzo's mixed with methadone make me want to smoke more, and makes me crave chocolate.
Right now, as I sit here blogging this, I feel like shit. I feel like I need to shoot up some dope, or sleep. My methadone usually stops this feeling, but when I mix it with a benzo the methadone metabolizes faster, and therefore doesn't last as long, which sends me into cravings. I just want to be high, but its almost impossible to get a good high when your on methadone. Which right now is pissing me the fuck off.
At this minute I want to get off the methadone for two or three days, let myself withdrawal, and on the third day buy some tar, and bang it...that would feel soooooooooo good. I would need to have enough tar to keep myself high, because I don't want to feel like I do right now.
Unfortunately for me, I can't take a three day break from the clinic, because my mother and father would become suspicious and there is no way I could get some tar, and shoot it up, without my parents noticing that I'm high.
I guess, when the right time comes along for me to go back to using, I will know. Right now must not be the right time.
I hope I don't get hooked on benzo's again, because last time that happened, I would swell up to like twice my normal size, and feel like shit for a week or more. I didn't even realize that I was going thru benzo withdrawal when this happened. I didn't figure it out, until one day while I was sick I went to the mall and picked up a Zanax bar, took it and felt better.
I'm gonna end this blog, and go take a shower, brush my fucking teeth, and try to feel better. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.