Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I feel like using, but I can't. Why can't I? Well because....
I am on methadone treatment. I have been for almost two full years. Three if you count the year I was on it, but there was a year I was off it before getting back on it. Anyway, I've been strung out on pills and heroin since I was just about 18. It started because my dad has back problems, and is perscribed pain pills. When I first started he was prescribed Percocets, alot of them. Alot more than he took, so he never noticed when I took half the bottle.
I remember clearly the day I took my first Opiate/perc. I had a head ache, and my mom gave me one of my dads pills to make it go away, because we didn't have any Advil in the house. As soon as the pill dissolved in my blood stream, and started coursing thru my veins, I found what I was looking for. I found peace/love/happiness/everything. After that, I started to take them on weekends, and I stopped hanging out with people, because all I needed was those pills.Fast forward a year, and
Somehow, I ended up meeting Pete, by the time I met Pete, I was using Percs, everyday. I didn't realize I was physically hooked yet.
A few weeks after Pete and I started dating, my dad ended up getting prescribed Oxycontin. I was 19 and a half. I introduced Pete to Oxys, and well, my life was all sunshine and cany bars. Until my little sister, Angie, who was 13 months younger than me, and my only sibling, was killed in a car accident. My life, my families life fell apart. My dad began abusing his pills, which ment less for me. Me and Pete moved to a different city, and my mom and dad moved to a different state. In the City I found heroin, and needles. I had always wanted to using IV drugs, and fulfilled my goal. This is when I lost it. I became a full on junky. Lieing, stealing, cheating, fucking, anything, and everything to get my next fix. Somehow, Pete didn't get strung out. He was always able to walk away from it. Lucky bastard.
I on the other hand, started to do the doctor scamming. I was getting my doc to prescribe me 8mg Dilauded aka hydromorphon. Hospital heroin. I liked getting the pills better than the heroin, because I thought it was safer, and less likely I'd end up in jail. After a few months tho, my doc figured out I wasn't in pain, I was a junky, and began to wean me off. Now my mom is a nurse so I know quite a bit about pills from her, and from my own addiction, I also know alot about diseases. I started going from doc to doc, and telling doctors I was HIV positive, and that I had a HIV neuropathy that was very painful, and it worked. I was getting lots and lots of pills. I don't have HIV.
I wanted HIV tho. In my mind if I had HIV, I would no longer have to find a new doc every time a doc figured out I didn't have HIV. So I knew a few people who did have HIV and I purposely used one of their dirty needles. Meanwhile, I'm still with Pete, but we aren't having sex anymore, because I'm much too strung out for that. I had to wait six months to find out if I really did get HIV from my sharing of needles with a HIV pos. person. During that six months, I was still working docs, and using heroin.
Fast forward a year, and I still don't have HIV. By this time, I sort of regretted what I had done, and didn't want HIV. Yet, on the other hand I did, because it would solve all my problems. I wouldn't have to worry about killing myself with drugs because I had HIV, and I would be getting drugs legally because I had HIV, but the thing is, I must have a guardian angel because I didn't get it. Its been 3 or 4 years since I put that tainted needle in my arm, and I still don't have HIV. I get tested every three months. By this time, no doctors were prescribing me my meds. I had gone to every doc in the state, and there was no more. So I made an appointment and ended up stealing a prescription paper, and writing out my own hydromorphon script. Which I got away with the first time. The second time not so lucky.
I didn't get caught right away, it was about a week later, a detective calls me and starts asking questions about persriptions, and I knew I was fucked, so I took off down to Florida with Pete. We tried to stay down there, and I did my scam on docs down there, but it was a lot harder in Fl. We ended up coming back to Wisconsin, and I ended up getting picked up. I went to jail and the next day was realised on 2500 signature bond.
I had to get a lawyer, and I called my parents and told them everything. They got me a lawyer, and got me into rehab. 22 days later I was kicked out of rehab for using, and that's when I found the methadone clinic. So I got on the methadone. By this time, Pete wouldn't live with me anymore, because I had stole too much money from him in the past, and I couldn't' leave the state to live my parents, because of my signature bond. So I moved into a homeless shelter.
Meanwhile, my mom moves to Hawaii as a traveling nurse. She was only suppose to go for three months, and my dad stayed in Michigan. She ended up staying a year and a half.
Fast forward a few months in the homeless shelter. I find myself a new place, and I am on the methadone, and I'm doing good. Not using. I have my own place, and am by myself for the first time in my adult life. No boyfriend to take care of me.
While I was in rehab I met a few new friends, and for a while we were all doing good, but one by one they started to relapse, and one by one, I was getting new drug connections. Better heroin, more pills and crack. Since I was on the methadone, I couldn't get high off heroin or any opiates anymore, because that's what the methadone does. So I start to smoke crack and shoot coke. Which I hate. I'm naturally a anxious person, and coke only makes that worse, but I needed to escape somehow. So I gave in and started using it full bore, just like I had done with heroin. I hated every single minute of my coke addiction, but I love every single minute of my heroin addcition. I get out of hand again. I'm on probation for the Prescription fraud. One day I call my councilor at the methadone clinic, and ask her for help, I wanted to stop using coke. Instead of help she calls my PO on me and I get put in jail. I was on 140mgs of methadone a day, and taking at least 100 mg of Valium a day when I was put in jail, not to mention the coke. So in jail I had to with drawl from all of that. I had been thru withdrawals before, but they paled in comparison to these withdrawls. I wanted to die. I had to die. I tried to kill myself, but didn't succeed. I was put in solitary confinement for three days, naked. In solitary I puked shit, and pissed on myself. I didn't sleep a wink for 8 days while going thru withdraws. The guards would come in my cell and spray me off once a day.
After 13 days I was let out of jail, and brought back to the same rehab that had kicked me out last time. My PO told me I wouldn't be able to go back on methadone. All I wanted was to be able to go back on methadone, and start over. I had had enough, and i knew I couldn't stop without the methadone. I needed it. So I stayed in rehab for about 2 weeks, and ended up using in rehab again. Before I got caught tho, I skipped out and skipped state. Otherwise I would have had to do 7months in jail. Luckily my parents still didn't give up on me. My dad bought me a ticket to Hawaii, so I could get on methadone down there, and live with my mom. My parents were split up at the time.
I moved to Hawaii, and got on the methadone. I did really good in Hawaii for about 5 months. My longest clean time since I started using. Then...I relapsed, on Heroin. I ended up getting picked up hooking(long story) I have never had sex for money tho. for drugs yes, but not for money. I was put in jail, and my parents found out the next day. My dad flew to Hawaii from Michigan to save us. My mom was drinking heavily at the time too. We ended up going back to Wisconsin, because my dad had moved back to Wisconsin. I was terrified to go back. I was wanted in Wisconsin. Luckily the methadone clinic in Hawaii set me up with a clinic in Green Bay Wisconsin where we lived, and when I got to Wisconsin, I was so thank full to be on methadone and not in jail, that I didn't touch a thing for a year. Then my mom got another job in Hawaii, and this time both my parents and I moved to Hawaii. This is present time now. We got here in August. I am still on the methadone here. I was clean a full year. I still am clean of heroin, but I have dabbled in benzo's again.
Which I'm gonna stop doing, because its not fucking worth it. They don't make me high enough. I want to use heroin, but I don't want to. I want to be high, but I don't want to go back to jail. So I'm staying straight now.
That's my life in a nut shell. There is a shit load I didn't tell you. I have a book for that. This is just a blog that I'm writing because my dad came home drunk and passed out on the chair, so i cant watch TV. So took the puter in my room and decide to blog.
I hope you sort of understand. I am 25 years old.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

Wow. That's a hell of a story. And unfortunately, I can relate to a lot of it.

I hope that you find the strength to stay clean.