So today I went to the library here in Hawaii to get a library card, and to borrow some books. The library I went to is close to China Town's Fourth St. Mall, and in 4th St. Mall is where you go if you want to pick up some benzos. (Benzodiazopens aka Valium and Zanax ect...) I bought two Zanax bars, and ate them as soon as I bought them. I had already took my methadone today, and about 15 minutes after swallowing the Zanax bars I was feeling no pain. After I picke up the bars, and ate them, I caught the bus back home, so my parents wouldn't suspect anything. Then when I got home, I had to try an act as normal as possible. When I'm high on bars mixed with my methadone, I get more talkitive than usuall, and about two hours after that, I start to nod out in mid sentence.
So when I got home I finished up the laundrey, and picked up the house. Both mom and dad where lying down in bed. My mom has to work tonight, and dad went to the bar after she left for work. THANK GOD! So now I'm here by myself. I was just blogging on myspace, and in the middle of blogging I kept nodding out, and had to keep re reading what I was writing to make sure it made enough sense. I hope it did, before I posted it didn't proof it, and there is no spell check on myspace blog.
I couldn't blog about this on myspace, because my aunts read it, and so do close friends. If they knew I was using bezo's again they would very dissapointed in me, and they might even tell my parents. I don't my paretns to know, becaue I don't want to dissapoint them anymore than I already have. They keep complimenting me on how good I'm doing, and saying they are so proud of me. Which feels so good.
I look at this way...at least I'm not using Heroin right now. I'm no longer putting needles in my hands, arms, and feet, sometimes neck. I'm no longer sharing needles. All I'm doing is taking some pills once every other week, so I can feel good. Some people have there beer after work once a week, and some people take their prescibed valium at night to relax, and I take my methadone, and two Zanax bars to escape for a few hours. I don't really think thats a huge deal.
I have been contemplating taking two or three days off my methadone, and on the second or thrid day buying some smack and getting really loaded. I would have to be carefull, because I'm not sure if my tolerance is high from the 130mgs of methadone I have been taking for the past two years, or if it would be low because methadone is a syntetic opioid, and Heroin is a real opioid. I don't know who I would buy the Smack from. I'm sure I could make a few calls and find someone who could get me a gram or so. I would need to rent a hotel room for a day or two so I wouldn't be here wiht mom and dad. I don't know if they would allow me to rent a hotel room by myself. They might be suspicous. They are suspicous of everything I do. If I come home later than I said I would, I get accused of using, even if I didnt.
Then on the other hand. I alway regret buying there zanax the next day. I feel gulity, and like a faliure when I come down from the euphoria, and back to reality. I want to stay clean. I don't want to become a strung out junky again, or at least not until my book is done. I would also like to wait until I have shopped it around to publishers. I doubt that it will ever get published, I mean there is too many drug addict books out there. I like to read books about addicts, and Heroin users in particular. I always have. The reason I became such a big fan of Kurt Cobain( aside from his amazing music) is because he was a junky. I have always been facinated by Heroin junkies, and by heroin itself. Its such a glamous drug in some ways. The fact that some of the best musicans of my time, and even before my time, have become addicted to and have died from Heroin addiction. Not always from oding, sometimes from suicide. Which another thing I have been obesessed with since childhood, ever since my grandpa killed himself in our garage, and my dad found him, and that night I watched my dad try to kill himsefl too. For some reaon I find comfort in the fact that I will be dead someday, and no one will remember me. I will not live forever, but hopefull I can create something that will live forever, and be remembered forever.
I got to go for now. Survivour is on, and I love reality TV. I know I'm a huge fucking pathetic loser. Always have been, and always will be.