Saturday, October 25, 2008

Lordy lordy, I don't know where the lies begin and where the truth starts.

I'm going to make an attempt at comming completely clean.

As far as using goes, I have been using benzo's on a daily basis now for the entire month of October. I go to where I go, and buy them, I get $40 worth at a time, so I don't have to go down to the hell very much.
I've gotten myself hooked on benzo's again. I've tried to go a day or two without, and that feeling of needing to have them has returned. I get sweaty, and cold, my nose runs, my body feels tired, I get moody, and depressed. Even after I take the methadone, I still feel this way. So I know its not Opiate sickness. Its benzo sickness.

As far as Opiates go, I have used Heroin once since I've been here in Hawaii. It was about a week and a half ago. It was a waste of time, money, and sucking up to people I didn't want suck up to.
I figured that since I'd already went so far as to use Heroin again, and since the Heroin wasn't getting me high, becuase of the methadone, that I would try Meth. I did this drug twice. The first time I enjoyed it, but the second time it was a let down. Upper just are not, and never will be my thing. I smoked the meth, did not inject.

I can honestly say, those two drugs(Heroin, and Ice) I will not be trying again, anytime soon. I would luv to use Heroin again, but as long as I'm on the methadone treatment, I can't get high off of it. The fact that I am bi polar, means the Crystal Meth, reaks havoc with my brain chemsitry. I felt this great rush, and was so talkitive, I would say anything just to keep the conversation going. Which as Charile knows I did. I figured the lie about having a baby would allow me to get a endless supply of drugs. Of cource when I sobered up enough and realized what I had done, I came clean, and told him that there is no kid. I have never had a child. Which I'm sure he will never forgive me for, and well, that probably the best thing that came out of the whole ordeal.

I cannot, and do not want to be around Charlie. I can't help myself when I'm around him, if I have money on me, I ask him to cope dope for me. Which ever dope I want, and he does it. It took me telling him, I had a child by him, and then telling him the truth, to finally get him out of my life. Then so be it. He can hate me all he wants. Its just hurting him in the end. I'm happy to be rid of him. He leaves these anyonmoys messgages, saying a bunch mean stuff, and it makes me laugh. I'm sorry, but what a waste of time.

Since that day I told the truth about not having a child, I began weaning myself off the benzo's. I'm down to a half of millagram a day now. Which means soon, hopefully, I will be back to my normal self. No more 4th St. Hell, no more so and so's, and no more dope.

I've got the world at my fingertips. I can go back to school and learn how to write like a real writer writes. I can learn. I can read. I can write. I can move on with my life.
No more Peter, no more Oconto Falls, no more Wisconsin. Just school, and admitting that I have a mental illness, that needs to be medicated.
Which to go back to school, and get the grant, I will have to be stabelized on bi polar meds, and on my methadone. I cannot be treated with Lithium, because its an MIO inhibotor, which means I wouldn't be able to take methaodne with it. I'm not exacty sure which bi polar meds are out there, nor which combonation of them will work to keep my mood stablized.
Which I'm afraid of. What if I become stable, and lose the ablity to write? To be an artist you have to be in pain. You have to suffer. At the moment I'm suffering too much to write. So if I can find that balance i'll get back to my book.
FYI, I did not have intercource with Charlie. I have not had sex since Pete and I had sex when I first got back from Hawaii the last time. I comming up on a year, and it feels good.

I am still running evey other day, and eating as healthy as I can. The best I can. The benzo's make me crave sweets even more than the just the methaodne. Still I have been eating Mini Shreaded wheats, instead of a Peanut M&M's. Which has also been helping with my bowel movements. I have been doing #2 if not at least once a day then twice a day.

Yes, and the swealing on my foot from where I injected the Heroin and missed my vien, is going down. Actually its pretty much all the way gone. Thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to die from it. Which so and so would have probably loved.
Move on so and so. MOve on. Now you hate me, it shouldn't be that hard.

I'm getting tired, so I'm gonna take a nap, and read, until I fall esleep.

2 comments:

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Sofuckingwhat, you told a lie. AND?! As drug addicts and even non-addicts, everybody lies! And for all them haters sayin how you have no pride, oh well. atleast you can put ur shit out there, and atleast ur not hiding behind "anonymous" fuck em.

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

hey i have a myspace too, and would love to read ur stuff on there too. mind if i send ya a friend add?