Sunday, October 26, 2008

Not much to say. Just feeling like writing. It was raining out for the past day and an half. Suddenly the sun came out. Its still humid as fuck outside, but the sun is shining.

As far as the benzo use goes, I only have half of one left, and I'm going to take it tomorrow, and thats it. Done. No more benzo's, no more going down to 4th St. Hell, and no more self pity.

The biggest mistake I made since I got here, was that day I was in the mall, and seen so and so, and waved him over to talk to me. WTF, was I thinking. Wait...I wasn't thinking, I was high on benzo's. I should've let so and so walk by and not said a single word to him.

In way tho, I think shit sometimes happens for a reason, and since I talked to him, I finally made him hate me. I don't have to worry about him wanting to be my friend, I burned a big bridge I had to getting dope, which means I'm not getting any kind of Heroin in the near futer. Not that I'd be out looking for it right now anyway. Not with the methadone treatment. Thank you God for methadone treatment.
I'm slowly but surely comming outta of depression, and going back into mania. Which I enjoy. Lord only knows what will happen when I get stabelized on bi polar meds, and have "normal" moods. No more, Up so high I can't come down, down so low I get up. Even. What the hell will that be like?
I guess I'll find out Nov. 10th. It will probably take a while for the damn Docs to find the right dose and combo of meds to get me stable.
As long as I stay off uppers, I should be good. Uppers wreak the most havoc on my mind. I live in my head, I rarely let my thoughts out, unless its on paper in a journal, or on a blog. On uppers I let it all out. Which isn't such a good thing. My thoughts are FUCKED UP! To say the least. My mind works in such a fucked up way, when I tell psyhc docs, what I really think about, they want to put me in patient treatment. So often I don't tell them what I'm really thinking. I've learned to make them believe I'm okay.
This doc, I'm seeing on Nov 10th, I'm telling the whole truth to this one. I have to. I want to go back to school, and if going in paitent mental hospital is what I have to do to get there, I will. I am going to obtain my goal. At any cost. If I die before I do, I will be pissed the fuck off. That is unless I fall back into my dark deep black depressions.

I guess, running, eating healthy, and being honest with my parents and councler(s) is what I have to...need to do, to stay alive, and obtain my goal. Finish this wonderfull book. Start my next wonderfull book.
When the ideas dry up, then I will find Heroin again, get off the methadone, and find peace in that.
So for today, I love myself, and want to live. I am a talented writer, and can and will finish my book, which will be published, and be on number one on NYC bestsellers list. For everyday, I am alive, free, and able to write, I am thankfull. Everyday, I have my parents and family I am thankfull. I am sooo excited to have my Aunt come and visit in Nov. I could pee my pants.

I need a personal assistant. If anyone is interested please email me your resume. leave a comment, and I will get your email, from there we will find out how to go about this.

Anna Grace

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