Trying to get clean with methadone treatment. Using benzo's tho. I hate being an addict. SOMETIMES!
What the fuck, I opened up a new blog to post, and when I opened it up the blog hat that first sentence above already written in it. Really WTF?
I don't know really remember my last few blogs, I wrote them while I was a bit "not myself", and well I guess I'll tell you what the fuck I wanna because its my god damn blog.
Last Saturday(I think) I hooked up with a freind, and scored some Heroin. As you all know I'm on 130mgs of methadone, which blocks the affectes of the H. So I shoot up 3 full grams of Heroin, never once did I feel that warm fuzzy feeling, I didn't even think I felt anything, until a we ran out of H, (because I did it all, almost 600 dollars worth of H) and I got up to leave. I was all pissy because I just poked my hands and feet over and over again. So and so only had 50cc syringes, and I prefer 100cc syringes. I like to put a lot of water in my shots so they don't look so black, so I can see the blood blossom in. Also all the veins in my arm are shot, I'll never be able inject in my arm behind my elbow again. Which really sucks, because you can hide those tracks, but on your hands and feet, in Hawaii, there is no hideing them.
Anyway, I left when the dope ran out, and thought I wan't high at all, until I got on the bus. First of all, I feel on my way up the bus steps, then I nodded out, and dropped my purse about 50 times. I missed my drop off, and had to ride the damn bus an extra hour, to get home. When I finally made it home, me mum and dad where not home(thank god) so I just sat watching the tube, and smoking ciggies, while burning myself with them as I nodded out. Even tho I was nodding, I didn't feel that feeling. I'm starting to HATE this methadone. When I wanna relapse and get high, I don't want to have to spend 600 bucks, and not even feel a thing.
Moving on, so I injected this H into my hands and feet about a week ago yesterday. Its Sunday, and my hands and feet are still swollen. Its still painfull to the touch. My mom has been making me stay off my feet, and keep both my feet and hand elevated. Who the hell knows what that H was cut with? I do it was good H, because I using with a few other hardcore junkies(not on "done) and they were higher than fuck. Both of them couldn't believe I didn't OD. At that point I didn't care if I ODed. I just wanted to get off.
So on Friday(two days ago), I went down the the mall where I score, and I bought 40 bucks of bars. My tolerance for the bars is going up too. When I first started using benzo's with my "done" it only took me two to get to that "place", and now it takes at least 4 to get to that "place".
I was hooked on benzo's at one point in my life before, and I can feel the sickness creeping in again, when I try to not use them for a day or two. I try to keep my benzo intake at 3 to 4 times a week, so I can stave off getting hooked, and so I can stave off getting hooked on 'em. FYI, its not working. Every morning, first though is, "I'm gonna take some benzo's today, maybe only two today, just to keep feeling ok, but not great". I have take homes, so I only go to the clinic three times a week. So I can take my dose whenever I feel like it. Today, I think I'm gonna take it at around9 or 10am, then I'm gonna take 4 bars, and then I'm gonna try to get the fuck outta the house.
I am my own pet virus, I get to pet her whenever I want. My own shit is her milk, her milk is my shit. I gotta look on the bright side, suicide. Don't stay, Don't stare, look on the bright side suicide. I am going to kill myself. Not today, but someday. Alone, nightime, with no-one. Sit up and drink antifreeze because its so sweet, steal the life thats inside of me. I took my own insides out.
If I can't get high anymore, lifes not worth living. I'm so dumb, I'm so dumb, I'm so dumb, rape me.
Whats wrong with me, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with me. Load your gun, shot at the can, what is wrong with me, what is wrong me, what is wrong with me?
I'll come back as fire, and burn all the liers, leave a blanket of ahses on the ground.