Trying to get clean with methadone treatment. Using benzo's tho. I hate being an addict. SOMETIMES!
This past week has been pretty much a drug fueled week. On Thursday of last week, I went downtown to China Town. I walked into the 4th St. Mall, and made the rounds looking for someone to sell me some Zanax Bars. It only took 10 minutes of looking, and I came across so and so, and I got a steal on about 30 bars, for 20 bucks. They were all broken in peices, so he wanted to get rid of them, asap, so he'd just not have to deal with them anymore. I of course took them off his hands, and paid him an extra ten bucks to show him, I apperciate his business.
So I took 4 of the Zanax bars, and sat down towards the end of the mall(where everyone who is waiting for thier high to kick in sits.
Who do I see walk past as I'm sitting waiting for the pills to break up in my stomache and start to run thru my blood stream. None other than "Chaz", a guy who says he is inlove with me. We get to talking to, and I tell him where to get some benzo's for himself. ( I don't sell, don't need to take that risk) Then Chaz came back, and I asked if he could get me some black tar. He said YES! So he made some phone calls, and got a hold of a "dealer" who would sell to him.
A half an hour later, we are in Chaz's squaler, injecting the Heroin into our veins.
I need to mention that I'm on 130mgs of Methadone at the Methadone clinic, so it takes a lot, lot, lot of H to get me high. Chaz only got me about a quarter. Which I injected, and didn't feel a thing. Although, Chaz had only the 50cc syringes, and I use the 100cc syringes, because its easier for me to to inject with a full unit syringe. By the time I was done poking at my veins with there half an unit syringe, I was covered in brusies, and bumps from missing.
I had to go home, and Knew my mom would see the the tracks. Of course my junky self kicked in and I denied the whole thing. I blammed it one, how tired I was, or how high my methadone dose is. Which I had been lying to my parents for about 6 months now, telling them I was at 10mgs, when I was really at 130mgs the whole while, I've been on the methadone treatment.
My dad was sooooo disapointed in me. He's made me promise that'd I'd never touch drugs again, because if I did, it would kill him. He says he can't take me using Heroin anymore.
Since last Thursday, I've been loaded on Heroin, and benzo bars. All the days are sorta blurred together, and it seems like it went by really fast. Whenever I'm on drugs time flies.
On Wendsday, was the first time I was didn't have any drugs in my system since Thursday the week before, I had been loaded. My blogs took two hours or longer to blog(on myspace) because I kept nodding out in the middle of a sentence, and would have to re read the entire paragraph to make the blog understandable.
My parents were on my ass the entire time, runing my high. I was sooooooooo fucking pisssed off. I have to admitt, on Saturday when I went to Chaz's squaler and he bought me three grams of H, and I ate about 4 Zanax bars. I kept doing one gram at a time, trying to catch that elusive, warm, fuzzy, happy feeling. Each shot I took I never felt it. Finally after I injected the last of the third gram, and made some excuse to go home(I think it was to go get some benzo's) it finally broke thru my Methadone blocker. Eleanor was with me, in that shit hole, the size of a closet, and as dirty as it gets. I just wanted to get high, and get the hell outta there. Chaz had bought the entire three grams of H on his credit cards. I didn't pay a cent for that high. I'm glad too, because It wasn't worth it.
I will not be doing H again until I have been off the methadone for at least a month and a half. By then my tolerance should be low enough that I could get loaded off a Q instead of three grams. Thats a more reasonalbe habit to handle and pay for, without having to sell my icky body to disgusting men. Hopefull I can keep my habit just a chip for a while, and when it gets too out of control I can go back to the methadone clinic.
That is if I don't die before I get to the clinic in time.
A freind of mine from my clinic ODed last week. He was one of the nicest guys I had ever met down at the Mall.
I found out from Chaz, who tells me the news like its some kind of interesting gossip, and not a man whose life was just take away from him because of his addiction. Sooner or later that is going to me and Chaz, or one of us at least.
The guy who ODed, I called Knuckes, because he awalys wore these cool rings on all his fingers. His real name was Mitch. He was in his early 40s, and a great guy. He had just gotten his new teeth, and he was looking good. Then he failed a UA, and got all his takehomes taken away, which ment he had to go to the clinic every mroning. Which ment he had to go past 4th St. Hell, where temptations are sooo high, just the smell of the mall gives me severe cravings. Mitch had alot of take home doses, I think he only had to go to the clinic once a month. He was persribed Zanax bars(but he never sold his) so he didn't get his take homes taken away for popping positive for benzo's. He must have done some H or some rock, or some Ice, and thats why it got taken away.
If only he wouldn't have gotten those doses taken away, he may still be alive today. I hope to god, that Mitch is resting in Peace somewheres, where the pain of his illness no longer hurts him everday. I hope he no longer wakes up with the first thought, isn't of how he is going to get his next fix. I hope he is at peace. Mitch you will be missed. In my heart and mind always and forever until I too die. I promise to mention you in my book so as to imortalize you in some small way. Addiction is a disease, its incureable, and its progressive.
There has to be a better way to treat people with addictions. Maybe just giving them their drugs and monitering them, making sure its not getting way too out of control. No more throwing us in prison, and trying to "scare us straight", because you sure as hell can't scare a diabetic straight.
I hope someday, probably after I'm long gone, addiction, and addicts will be treated like any other person with disease, thats incureable, but managable with the right treatments.
Addicts are NOT, lesser than human, they do have will power, they do have a disease that needs to be treated with medication and therapy, not with punishment.
Being an addict at this point in time, I feel like an animal. If I have a relapse, I get my nose rubbed in it, as if I were a dog who had an accidnet and peed on the carpet. The poor dog just had to go potty, and you were too lazy to take him/her out when him/her needed to taken out. The addicted just needed to get his medicine before he got sick, and was forced to do something "wrong" to get what he/she needed.
Opiate addicts are so very lucky to have Methadone treatment! We have a medication that lets us function in society, as a productive memeber of society! If they want to be. I don't want to be a productive member of soceity, I want to write books, and live in peace and quiet. I wish that someday when I've reached my goals, and have contributed my part to our society, and I'm an "over the hill" adult, that I could use Heroin, clean Heroin(not street shit), I'm talking Heroin the goverment supplies to us, and makes sure its safe.
Sorry I went off on a rant there. I used three benzo bars today along with my methaodne. I don't feel high. I'm functioning, and writing this blog without nodding out ever other sentence. I'm scared tho. I don't want to go back to that place that I don't dare mention. I am so thankfull for all I have in my life right now. My family is healthy, my dog is here, and healthy, I have health insuracne, I'm getting an income(from the goverment) I might get on SSI for being Bi Polar, which would mean I could go to collegee for free, and learn how to really write.
May God's will be done unto me and my family ! I'am so very thankfull for everything he as given me and my family. I have everything to be thankfull for! Freedom most of all. Love, hope, health, happiness...everything!
I am a beautiful, smart, talented, witty, loving, writer, who will be at a healthy weight in the next 6 to 8 months. I love myself and I want to live. I love my family, and want the best for them, and want to make them proud of me, and me proud of myself. I want to find a balance in m addicion.
love you all