Friday, November 28, 2008

my dad hates me, but loves me

You know how sometimes you just need to blog? Well right now, I'm having on of those, "I just need to blog" moments.

What to blog about? Hmmm... lets see. I guess I get into Thanksgiving and then today.

Thanksgiving sucked. My mom had to work nights, so she had to sleep the whole day. Me and dad had decided to go to the grocery store, and buy one of those pre made Thanksgiving dinners. When we got there it was too late. There were non left. So we came home, and watched a movie we had rented. I forgot to mention, that on Thanksgiving morning I took 6 Zanax bars with my methadone. Hey, it was a holiday, and I knew it was going to suck. All holidays suck ever since my sister died 5 years ago. Fuck 5 years, and it feels like last year to me. All day Thanksgiving day, I could tell my dad was depressed. I mean depressed, like I get. Which is really depressed. He paced around the apartment, couldn't find anything to watch, so finally he went to take a nap. When he woke up we watched that movie we had rented. I forgot the name, but it had Will Smith in it. Anyway, during the movie I was nodding out, and ended up nodding out for most of the movie. I came back to and the movie was almost over, so I start ask my dad a bunch of questions about what happened. He got fucking pissed. He said in his most harsh, disguested voice, "if you weren't so fucking high, maybe you fucking know what happened in the movie." I just sat there, and was quiet and watched the rest of the movie. After the movie was done my dad went back to sleep.
The day before Thanksgiving my mom had pre made a scalped potatos, and ham dinner. All we had to do was put it in the oven and cook it. So while my dad was asleep, I put it in the oven, and went and bought a punkin pie, so when he woke up at least we would have a dinner and a dessert. He ended up waking up shortly after my mom left for work at 6pm. I had dinner all ready. He seemed pleased by this. So we sat and ate, and during dinner, I asked him why he is so depressed lately, and expesially today.
He look at me and said, "I'm depressed, because on of my daughters is dead, my wife of 26 years fucked around on me for a year, and my only living child is a drug addict. Wouldn't you be depressed"?
I said, "fuck dad, I went thru the same shit".
For whatever reason, I cannot bear to see my dad sad, or hurt, or depressed in any way. I mean I know what that depression is like, and knowing he is feeling it, hurts me. I have some father issues. I know this, but I'm not sure why. My dad loves me. I know he loves me. He is dissapointed in me, and doesn't understand why I don't want to live the cookie cutter, American drem life. Nothing would make my dad happier than to see me marry a man with money, buy a house in a small quiet town, and have kids. If it had been me who died instead of Angie(my sister) he would probably have that. That is what Angie wanted. Angie was the one with the work ethic. She had, had a job, ever since she was legally able to have one, which was at 14. She paid her bills, and was going to college. I on the other hand, bearly graduated Highschool, and was dating a fucking loser with out a job. Then I broke up with that loser, and found the magic of opiates.
In my entire life, I never remember wanting that cookie cutter fucking life. I wanted to live my life gritty. I wanted to break from the pack, be on my own social grounds. So when I couldn't break from the pack for fear of hurting my parents more than I already have, I turned to drugs. In drugs I found that underground lifestyle, that I so desperatly craved. I found the love of my life...opiates.
After my dad laied that "why he was depressed" on me, I had to go for a walk, because I had to cry and I didn't want to cry in front of him, and make him feel worse. So I said I had to take Eleanor my dog for a walk. It was around 8pm now. I walked and walked, and cried and cried. I cursed god for taking Angie instead of me. I cursed myself, for not wanting what my dad wants for me.
After I got it all out of my system, I went back up to the apartment, and I took my laptop in my room and I wrote 6 pages on my book. I got it out. I don't know if what I wrote is anygood, or if it even fits with the story, but its what I wrote. I remind myself its still just a first draft. Just get the book finished, and then put it together more clearly. Just get it out of me. Purge it out. So I did so.
Oh yeah, then today, I went down to when I go to pick up benzos. I got there too late, and no-one was around, so I was shit outta luck. I have to go early in the morning. Thats when business is rolling. I thought I might make it today, cause I got down there at 2pm. Not too late, but yep today it was too late.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Laaaah Di Daaaah

My aunt leaves today. Thank goodness. I'm an Aquarius, and we are suppose to be great entertainers. I'm not. I hate entertaining people. I don't mind entertaining junkies, because all we need is some fits, spoons, fire, dope, belt, and good veins. Then we all shoot up, and enjoy ourselves.
So today, my mom took me to the methadone clinic. Which is break from our usual routine. Normally my dad takes me to the clinic. My dad had to go to the North Shore, to film a scene for Lost(the TV show on ABC filmed here in Hawaii)
Life sure does throw some surprises at you. My dads always wanted to be in the movies. He's got that Ray Liota look, aka a hard look, and a cop look. My dad was just sitting in a bar, and a casting director came up to him, and game him his card, and ever since my dad had gotten head shots, and today is his first day on set. OMG, my dad might become a TV star. How fucking weird would that be? WEIRD!
I hope he does well. The good part about my dad being on Lost for me is that, I get to be an extra on the show, and go to the set with my dog, and myself. I've never seen a TV show being filmed.
Other than that. After my mom took me to get my methaodne does, I said I was going to the library, but instead I went to 4th St. Mall, and picked up some benzos. A few extra Methadone pills. Today I took about 6 Zanny bars, and well, I cleaned the house, and now I'm blogging. So far no nodding. I even did go to the libray. I dropped off two books, and paid a fine, then I went on the putes at the libary, and sent an email to my best friend, who lives in Wisconsin.
I told about, how today, I feel manic. I feel like I could finish my book in the next few days. I could get alot done today. That is if I don't go on the nod suddenly. I know tonight, I'll be tired, and wont be able to stay up and watch my shows. Oh well. What can I do. At least I feel good right now.

I have no intrest in sex. Every now and again, if I put of taking my take home methadone dose, I start to get that "need" back, so I jump in the shower, and rub my clit until I cum. When I'm imagining during my masterbation, I'm imagining me and some hot junky fucking and injecting H. Eating X, and then I cum, and its all over with. I think that maybe if I had some X, and some H, and was with a man that i was attracted to. Like say Jake, I might be able to fuck. STill tho, right now my body isn't at the best shape, and until I either get strung out again, or cut out the sweets, and workout 3 to 4 hours a day. (I have the time right now), I can work on my book durning the night, which when I usually like to work on my book anyway. Working out during the day, stay off the benzos for a while, get my body back. Once I get my body back, I can find a sugar daddy, who could take care of me, and my drug problem, while I work on my books.
So once I'm thin again. I plan on letting my wings spread out, and take off out of this nest my mom and dad have me in.
I don't know what we are going to do after Sept. 2009. My mom can't go to London because she would need her BA, and she only has her Associates degree. So we might be off to New York. Which would be Okay, Its the right place to be if I want to get my book out there.

Still, I'm really thinking of taking off to the middle of no where, and living out my dream. My junky dream. Where I just go to Oklahoma, and live on the streets, and find a part time job, so I can buy my Heroin, and just find an apartment. I don't care if its a shitty apartment. Hopefully my book will be published by then, and I will be getting residual checks. I have a second book in me. A memoir of my middle school, thru highschool.
I grew up in a small town. I was sort of popular. Then 7Th grade came along, and I no longer wanted to be cool, or popular. I wanted to be myself. I didn't want to be in clique'. So I went on my own, and found that because of that my self esteem went down the tubes. My parents always made me feel beautiful. They bought me the best close, until I said I didn't want nice close. Again this is After Kurt died, and Hole was big. I wanted to be the grunge girl. In a small town, who had two types of people, the rednecks, and the dirtballs. The rednecks listened to country, and the dirtballs listened to metal, death, black, ect... metal. Me I liked shit like Mazzy Star, and Past Cline, and Billy Holiday. I felt like the most uncool person on earth, and gave up on boyfriends.
Although when I was 15 I met this 20 year old guy who sorta got me, and we began dating all threw High school. He was totally against drugs, except alcohol. So we did alot of drinking. He is my biggest mistake to date. Well, some might say getting hooked on junk was, but I think
Willy was my biggest mistake. He was controlling, and never let me out, and all kinds of weird shit. He was super jealous. Which I understand why, at that time, I was think and had a great face, I could have found a guy much easier than he could have found another me. I cheated on him too many times to count. I was trying to live it up. By the time I was 16 I was going out drinking in bars. My bf was now 21 and he was friends with the bartenders, so i got to drink in there with him. I thought i was cool shit. All my high school class mates were going to parties in the woods, and I was going to the bar.
The final straw with Willy was my senior party. He would not let me go. That night he had trap shooting. So I stayed home and cleaned and waited for him. He never called, and didn't come home until like 2am. The next day at school, everyone was asking me why I wasn't at the last party before we graduated, and they told me that Willy(my boyfriend was there) who by this time was like 23 or something. He shouldn't have been at some high school party. Espeically mine,his girlfriends. As soon as I found out, I moved all my shit out of our apartment, and moved back in with my parents. I never looked back. I found someone else within the next two months.
Pete. Who I was with for four or so years. Pete was soooooo much better than Willy,
So now I'm 25, and its the first time I've been totally single since I was 15 yrs old. I became a junky in between Willy and Pete. Started out on my dads Percocets, which turned into Oxycontin. Then Di lauded, and then Heroin. Now methadone. My true love is opiates. NO man will ever compare to how opiates make me feel. I no longer want men or women. I no longer want sex, or to make love, maybe I wouldn't mind getting fucked once in a while, just release some frustration. I need a dildo too.

I love my new pen pal Noah. He doesn't know he is my pen pal, I just told him this morning. v got to stop this blog now. I nodded for like a hour. and now i'm in uncomfortable possiosions. bye.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Reading another junkies blog...

WTF, am I doing to myself? I was just reading this guys blog, I don't remember the name of it, but I just subscribed to it. It starts with Junky....
He's still using. Still in that happy, warm, fuzzy, heroin place. I remeber being in that place. Still able to hold down a job, and use. Still able to stay under the 5-0's radar. He also writes about his use in a way that makes my mouth literlly drool. It makes me want to get off this methadone. I haven't taken my dose yet today. I have like 5 Zanny bars left, so I might take all those with my "done" today, and then tomorrow go down to hell and pick up.
The only reason I don't go and find some H right now, is because I know I won't feel it. My dose being at 130mgs, is a blocking dose. No matter how good the H is, I won't feel that inital orgasmic feeling I would get if I were not on Methaodne.
At least with the methaodne, when I first take it... about 20mins later, I feel that warm fuzzy feeling....just for a bit, then its gone, and I'm pissed. I want my heroin back. I want my love back. I want to die with a needle in my arm, I want to die happy.
The things I sacarfice for my parents. All this pain to make them happy. Make them feel their daughters life isn't a complete waste. If Angie were still Alive I probably would still be on the H, instead of the methadone. Angie was the good child. The one who was going places. The one with a work ethic, and didn't use drugs. She did drink, and thats what killed her, drinking and driving. My parents still condone drinking, yet they frown on my use of opiates. Such hippocrites. Just like out goverment.
The blogger I'm talking about...his name is Noah, and if you want to check out his blog, look on my profile at the blog I follow.
I even emailed him. NOt sure why, just felt like it. He talked about shooting up so beautifully I just had to ask if I could move to his state, and be his addict wife. He is only 22, and I'm almost 26...Feb. 2nd. Courntney was older than Kurt. Kurt is dead just like my sister. Gone. I will be dead someday too. I wonder what being dead is. Is there even a "being" dead, or is it just dead?
I like to blog, and like to use methadone and Zanax bars. I like nodding.
I'm gonna go take my methaodne. I have take home doses. I only go to the clinic three times a week, but my next UA, I will get them taken away, because of my new found benzo useage.
Stay clean.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Doucheing, fucking, and all that fun stuff.

My family is visiting from Wisconsin. Actually just my aunt Debbie, and she brought one of her friends from work, and her friends daughter, who is 38 and mentally challanged. She has about the IQ of 60 somthing. They flew in on Tuesday. On Wendsday morning, we met up for breakfast on the beach. Which was my frist meeting of my aunts friends. They are very nice. I like Debbie's friend. The mom of a handicap daughter. She's very sarcastic, and well I like that.
I'm not sure she likes me too much. I don't follow rules.
An example, today, we were at an ALL DAY Lu'au. All fucking day. I of course took 4 benzos with my methadone this morning, because I knew this day was going to be one long day in tourist hell. In this tourist hell there was NO place to smoke. I'm a chain smoker. I need to smoke. So I lit up. Merdith, was flabergasted. Merdith is my aunts friends name. Meridith's daughters name is Heather.

This might seem off subject, but its not. When I'm not enjoying myself, I can't pretend to. I can't smile just to make people feel better.
So today, I just had this blank look on my face, and the only fun I had was making very crude sexual remarks to our Mormon tour guide, who is from Russia. Debbie and Meridith didn't enjoy this at all. They thought I was being mean, when really all I was doing was entertaining myself.
So this all day tourist hell just ended. I just got home literlly 10 mins ago, and its 12am Hawaii time. Tomorrow I have to wake up at 5am go to the methadone clinic, and then be at my aunts hotel room, to go "swimming with the dolphines" at 9am. Which I'm actually looking forward to that part, but I'm not sure its gonna live up to my expectations. The tickets were cheap, and usually swimming with the dolphines is not cheap. So I guess we'll see.
The first day my Aunt and her entourage got here, it was up to me to show them around, and they wanted to see China Town, and the Palace. Yes, there is a Palace here, it used to be a monarchey. So I bring them down to China Town, and my aunt wouldn't go past a certin street because she saw a homeless person pushing a shopping cart. So I took her thru 4th St. Mall(where I pick up), which is totally fucked up. She'd go to where she knows drug deals are going down all around, but she won't go past a homeless person. Wow, closeminded people. IF she ever read this, she would be so hurt. She is sure she is open minded.
I guess we all have to keep in mind, she has never been further than Appleton Wisconsin. She's never been to an actually city with sky scrapers, and pan handelers, and yadi yadi yada. There is homeless people in Green Bay were she is from, and I was once one of those homeless people, but in Green Bay the homeless problem isn't as big as it is here in Hawaii. So you don't see the homeless that much. I guess out of sight out of mind. Which isn't good.
That day, we also went thru the Palace. Where we weren't suppose to take photos. Well my camera has a setting where I can take a photo without flash so really you can't tell that I'm taking a photo. So while in the Palace I took a few photos. Both Debbie and Merdith thought I was being so disrespectfull. I was like what the fuck. Who am I hurting. No one. I wasn't going to post them on my myspace page, but now that they said I was disrespectfull I'm gonna post them. If you'd like to see them there at I've got a whole shit load of new photos going up on my profile tomorrow after our "swimming with the dolphines". You can see how fat and ugly I am. It'll be great.
I think tomorrow, I'm gonna take like 7 bars with my "done" so I can be nice and high when I find out all we get to do is sit up front at the dolphine show, and get to pet the dolphines belly. When I'm high, I can sorta fake happiness. When I'm on opiates, I sorta feel like I don't hate everyone so much. I don't hate myself so much either. So its really win win.
Oh yeah, we won't be going to London Sept of 09, because my mom needs to get her BA, to practice nursing in the UK, so we will probably be going to NYC. Which is totally cool with me. I always said that I wanted to live in NYC before I was 25, and I'm 25 now. So I'll have missed it by a year.
That is if I dont' suicided mysef out of existance before then, or OD myself out of existance. I want to get off my methadone before I go to NYC, so when I use the Heroin I can feel it. I miss that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you push that heroin home into your bloodsteam. I have to finish my book before I move there, tho, because if I'm using I won't be able to finish it.

Also I just wanted to put out there that I need to be fucked. I want to be fucked. I'm embarrassed of my body right now, but right now, that doesn't matter, I need a cock in my pussy or I'm gonna explode.

Thats about all I got for now folks. I should back soon. I've been blogging on Myspace more again. I don't know why. I just have been. I check myspace everyday for email, so I just post my blog there.

I know I need to cut down on my benzo intake. As soon as my aunt leaves. They all say that, but I mean it. Right? Right! Right? Riiiight!
For real, I'm gonna wean myself off em again, and I go thur that depression again. Fuck I'm always in that depression.
I need to masterbate, but I'm too tired to do it tonight. In the shower in the morning. I did douche for my frist time. I wrote about it on my myspace blog. If you'd like to read it.
So write to you later.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I'm in my bedroom. Sometimes I masterbate in here. Sometimes I cry in here. Sometimes, plot my suicide in here. Sometimes, I use drugs in here.
Right now, I'm in my room, because my father is outside sleeping on the couch. He got home a hour or so ago. He was gone all day watching football at the bar.
All day I was fucked up on methadone and benzos.
I'm seriously considering getting off the methadone so I can use Heroin again, and feel that lovely feeling. I don't get that feeling from methadone and benzos. Not since I've been at a dose that blocks the effects of Opiates.
I'm scared tho. When we move to England, I wont be on methadone. One of my fathers stipualations for me going with. I think good, I can use European H. Never done that before. Maybe the shit that comes straight from Afaganistan will be in England. I hope so. Maybe I'll just stay there. Let my mom and dad move back to the states themselves, and I'll stay in England. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna pound out the rest of this book I'm writing, and finish it. Then I'm gonna ween myself off the done, then fly over to Europe. There I will just use until I'm dead. I might write one more book.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Right now I'm in the middle of watching "The Eleventh Hour", on CBS. Its not keeping my attention, so I decided to log on and...write about me. How vain.

I did go to the dentisit. My teeth aren't as bad as I thought. I do need to get three molars extracted, but my two front teeth, are saveable. I have one small cavity in each of my two front teeth. Which I will be getting filled, in January sometime. Which I'm very thankfull for. Otherwise I would need have needed to get veeners on my two fronts, and that would have cost my parents over 900 bucks. Which since my dad is obsessed with my teeth, he would have paid for, but I would have felt guilty.

Today, I got my re eval for my "goverment funding" (eg: welfare, and food stamps.) I don't find out, if I get to keep receiving my 400 a month and in cash, and my 200 a month in food stamps for three to five business days. Which I hope I get because it really helps out my parents. Since Hawaii is a very expensive place to live, my goverment funding is very helpfull to them. Lets me afford a few extra luxuries I don't deserve. Some illegeal... like prositute I bought lastnight, while my mom was at work, and dad was at the "bar".

Just kidding, but I wish I would have. I really would like to go down on a beauty, perferably asian, and for her to go down on me. Unfourtantly I have my rag right now, so thats not such a pretty picture.

I also read a blog that on of my e-friends, who I also went to highschool with wrote about me, and was brought to tears by how sweet it was. Whenever someone complements my writing, I am deeply touched. I guess because I don't believe in myself enough, and when someone else thinks what I have to say is entertaining, I am truly amazed.
If you want to read it got to, right here on our own blogger. Its a good blog. He is a much better writer than I. He can spell and use grammer. Which makes me jelous.

I don't want to write this because I think I might jinks myself, but here it goes. (I also sound like a pompus vain, ass)
Sometimes, I do think that I might have a talent when it comes to writing, but most of the time, I just see my writing as SHIT.
My mom tells me, that its my "point of view" that grabs my readers. Do I really see the world diffrent than anyone else? Is it really that odd, that I'm so honest about my thoughts, and life? NO, not really.
My life sounds alot more interesting than it really is, believe me I live it. Sure somedays, are out of the ordinary, but no so much lately.

I one time got an email from a old friend who compared my writing to William S. Burroughs, and I cried for days. That just one person in this world would compar me...ME of all people to my writing idol. I was overwhelemed. I'm still overwhelmed, and think he may have been pushing it. Really he shot it, I'm nothing compared to Burroughs, but hope to be someday.

Before I started blogging, I only showed two people my writing. Those two people didn't think much of it. My mom, and my ex Pete are those two people. When I read it back to myself, I saw that they were right, I needed practice. So I started journaling obsessivly. Then we got a puter, and internet, and I began to blog obsessivly, and journal. I also stated a book.

So as you can tell I just flung myself in this elite world of writing, where I'm a mere ameba compared most. I need to be schooled in grammer, and punctuation, and grammer, but this is what I truly love. I mean LOVE. Who the fuck doesn't like talking about themselves, and people read it and comment. At least vain, narrisistic people like myself. I'm also very neurotic. Which is what I hope makes for a good memoir writer. I guess we'll find out. If the book gets published. With help of a editor, ALOT OF HELP FROM AN EDITOR!

So I gots to go.
BTW, today we had 20ft waves here in Hawaii . That just blows my mind. The full moon, and the huge waves, how little we are, how little my life is, and how little it all really means. Makes me feel better.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Cheers, Where everybody knows your name. Right?

Hey all. Its what...Tuesday? Yeah it is, cause I thought today was the day I was to get re assesed for my goverment assistants. It accutally on Thursaday. Today is Veterens day, so I can't call and re schedual my dentist appoinment because the f'ing dentist office is closed.

I've made a decision, I'm getting off the Zanax. Its wreaking havoc on my body. My feet are swollen, for some reason benzos make my feet and legs swell. I think its from that one suicide attempt where I fucked up my kidney's and now for what ever reason benzo make me retain water in my f'ing legs and feet. I'm pissing normally, so I know my kidney's are fine. Who knows what the heck kind of pounding my liver is taking?
Also I plan on being off of Methadone before we move to England. I also want my book finished before we leave. So I can send it out to publishers in both the U.S. and the U.K., which gives me better chances of being published.

I'm also hopefull of finding LOVE in London. I've alway had a thing for Brits. They do have bad teeth, but so do I. I'm working on getting them fixed.
Hey, did you know that brits teeth aren't as healthy as ours are, is becuase they don't floride in thier water. So since our water has floride in it, our teeth are healthier. Unless your like me and a opiate addict who eats way too many sweets, and only brushes once daily, and hardly ever flawses. Well, I've been flawsing more often lately because I bought these little neat flawsy thing. I don't feel like explaining it.
I remember tho, the first time I ever seen them was the first time I was in rehab, everyone always had those flaws things in there mouth, all the f'ing time. After that, when ever I see them I buy them. I gotta go. I'll blog about nothing again later...maybe

Monday, November 10, 2008

Momma's little helper.

I believe Thorizine is "mothers little helper", and I've never had thorazine. I wonder what its like?


Today I only took 4 of my Zanax bars, with my methaodne. Which is keeping me at an even keel. I'm not nodding out all the time, and I feel good.
I had a bunch of appointments today, one was at a mental health clinic, so I could get a case worker, and for whatever reason the doctor wasen't in, and my appointment had been canceled without my knowlage. So that was a big waste of time, and the next appointment I could get wasn't until December. So now I have to wait until December to find out about college, and such.
Then I had a dentisit appointment, and right before they hooked me up to the laughing gas, They told me that they didn't take my dental insurance, and so the whole afternoon was a waste.

When I got home, I made a bunch of phone calls, and made a bunch of appoinmtments, fo my mental health. I need to get on meds to even out my moods. My bi polar is really fucking with me since I've been fucking with benzos again. Its worse than it has been in a while.'

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Good day all. Its 6pm Hawaii time. My mom just left for work, night shift at the hospital. My dad is at the bar "watching football". Who knows what the hell my dad is really doing. I think he is screwing prostitutes. Me and mom found condoms in his pockets the other day.
Last year, my mom had an affair, and my parents almost got divorced, so now my mom feels guilty, and lets my dad's infidelities slide. As long as its only sex, and hes at home with her when she isn't at work, then its all good. Oh yeah, and he's not allowd to spend over 200.00 dollars a night. "One drinks".

Anyway, yesterday I took 200mg of morphine and one and one half of the 2mg Zanax bars. I did this in the morning so I could stave off dope sickness, and not take my methadone until later after my parents left.
When my parents left, mom to work, dad to "bar", I took my 130mg dose of methadone, and I took 6 and one half of the 2mg Zanax bars. Sure I felt good for a time. Unfourtantly there wasn't any here to talk to, and I wanted to talk.

So instead I decided to blog. Which didn't work out to well, becaue I kept nodding out. Then I fell esleep, or nodded for like three hours. When I was on that nod, I was in an akward postion. I was kneeling on the couch, and hunched over my puter. When I work up my back hurt, and my toung hurt. For some reason when ever I take alot of benzos;s my toung hurts.
So pretty much the night was a wast. I just slept, or nodded. I ended up passing out on the couch until 6am when I woke up, and felt like complete shit. My tounge ached, my arm hurt from the postion I was in, and I was still dog tired. So I poured myself a cup of coffee to try to stay awake.
About an half hour later my dad woke up, and I was wathcing some movie. I can't remember the name, but whatever. He wanted to watch football, so he went in his room and wathced. My mom got home around 7:30am So my mom slept while my dad watched football. I was so fucking tired today. I don't know if it was the way too many Zanax bars I took yesterday evening. So got my ass off this uncomfortable couch, and went to sleep in my bed. I slept until 3:30ish. I had to be awake by 4pm to get my mom up for work, since dad wasn't here. By the time I got up, I was dope sick, because I didn't take my methadone yet today. So at around 4ish I took my methadone, and then around 5:30ish I took 6 Zanax bars. Since I'm gonna be home alone tonight I figured I may as well.
Tonight tho, I'm gonna wath the boob tube in my mom and dads bed, instead of this couch, so when I nod, I don't have so many aches and pains.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention one of my teeth is hurting. Its not the worst pain I've ever had. Believe me I've had thee worst tooth pain in the world. I had a nerve that was inflamed and caused all the nerves on one side of my face to be pressed on, which in turn caused me the worst pain I have ever felt, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was already an addict, so when I went to the doc for it, he gave me Vicodon, which didn't even fase me. I called my dealer in Wisco, and he hooked me up, but that didn't even work. I did a shit load of Dilauded IV, and still no pain relief. So the next day I went to the doctor again, and told him the pain was so bad I was considering suicide. So he gave me this drug called Neuranton. Which is used normally as a mood stableizer, but it also works for sever nerve pain. It turns out I something called "trigeminal neuraulgia. Which means all my nerves on the right side of my face where inflamed, and its the worst pain a person can be in, worse that child birth, or at least I'm told. As we all know by know I've never had a kid. I once told someone I had his kid, but thats a whole other story, that I already told.

Oh yes, Tomorrow is my appointment to find out if I get the grant to go back to college and major in Lit. I also have to re assesed the next day to see if I can keep my welfare, and food stamps, then in the next week I get assesed to see if I can get SSI, for my mental disability, for my Bi Polar.
Which brings to somthing else. Right now, as far as my bi polar goes, I'm in the depressed stage. I'm thinking thats why I'm unable to write. When I'm in a manic stage, I love it because I feel high naturally, and can do anything I put my mind to. Now I realize even tho I'm depressed I can still do anything I put my mind to, but...but, fucking buts. There should be no buts, but when I'm depressed the only thing I can write is crapy poetry. I can't work on my book, because when I'm writing my book, which is a memoir, so I have to relive everything again in my mind. Alot of which is very depressing. Which in turn makes so depressed I feel like offing myself.
I know "Chaz" would luv that. lol!

As far as "Chaz" goes. Since the huge lie I told, we've cut off all contact. Which is a good thing. Which mean he can focus on his real love. Harmy. I truly wish the best for the two of them. They are both great people, stuck in a terriable situation. Addiction.
I know that both Chaz and Harmy HATE me, and I hope I never see them on the street, for I fear I will get my ass whopped by Harmy for messing with her mans head.
I hope she doesn't do that, because I'm not worth it. They should give a shit less what I think or say about them. Its not hurting me, its only hurting them. If I were to get hurt physically it would cause Harmy or Chaz legal problems, because I would press charges. I just want both of them out of my life.
I'm having a real hard time staying totally clean. The way I look at it, as long as I'm not putting needles in my body full of Heroin, I'm doing better than I was when I was my lowest. Still I'm not doing as well as I was when I was living back in Wisco, and didn't have much access to H or benzos. Well I did have access to benzos beause my dad gets a shit load of Klonipins.
When I was in Wisco, where I was wanted, I was carfefull. I stayed straight as an arrow. Until the law caught up to me. Which thank goodness thats over with. Now, I have to stay away from criminal activites, and behaviours. Which is hard for me, but my parents help me out wht that.
By treating me like a child. The fact that I got a doctor writing me scrips for Zanax, keeps me from having to do anything that is illegal.
May gods will be unto me.
Dear God,

If your out there, and listenting to this, please help me to get off these benzos. The are really messing with my bi polar, and hurting myself and all those I love and care for. I'm so thankfull for all you have giving me, and for parents that love me so much it hurts. Thank you for Elleanor. Thank you for methadone, when I'm using it properly, as keeps my demons at bay. I love you, and honor you. You are my higher power, and I need the you in me to guide me to my dream. Help me with my book.

I gotta go, a good show is on.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I've been a bad girl today.

I told myself that I was just going to take two of those 100mg Morphines I have, and one and an half Zanax bars. It would be enough to keep me from getting sick, and it would let me have a real good time tomorrow...ya know what I mean(double dose).
Instead, I went to the park with my dog, let her play off leash, and I read my book("Her Last Death") by Susanna Sonnenberg (which I recomend mucho) and while was I there, there was a bunch of flys landing on my feet, and I was getting pissed, but I stuck it thur it for my sweet baby Elearnor. Plus the book is so good, you just do not want to put it down. So I stuck it out even longer. I think I was in the park for almost an hour, before the urge to take my 130mg dose of methadone grew too strong, and since yesterday, I made a large purchase of benzos I decided that I'd take 6 and an one half of my bars. So at the park I took my dose. Then I put the 6 and half bar in my pocket. I always wait 15 mins after taking my dose before I take my benzos, so they kick in at the same time.

So I walk from the park back to our humble apartment, and my dad is sitting on the patio all dressed up. I knew straight away that he was off to the bar, which means I will be able to get high all by myself. Of course my mom is home, but she is sleeping, and she when she wakes, she has to go straight to work.

Of course this all on the assumption that I'm gonna get high. I mean yesterday I took more than benzo than I took today, and the same amount of morphine, and it didn't even effect me.
I hate tolerance. It makes it so much more expensive to get high. Which really pisses me the fuck off.

If I don't get high, I hope that there is another House marathone on USA, to pass my time, or I could watch 50 First Dates, which was filmed here in Ohau, and see if I recognize any of the land marks.
If I do get the warm fuzzies, then I'll be happy and wont need anything else. Just my love. Opiates and benzos.

Okay, I'm nodding, and well I'm gonna have to stop this blog, or it wont any sense if I keep going.
I just.
No warm fuzzies tho. which sucks. I just want to finish this book, and accoplish somthing with my life.
God give me the streangth. Grant me the serenity. May your will be done untome;
So fare well, and until next time, help me ween off these damn benzos.
love all you who read my blog, even if you hate me.

Last night, after taking 8 or 10 benzos and two hundered mgs of Morphine, and still didn't go on the nod, I went to the bar, to have a few drinks to see if that would help me feel it, but nope it didn't. Oh well. I'm still alive. I have a very high tolerance to benzos, which sucks for me, but is good too. It would take alot for me to OD on benzos and methadone. BTW, I'm at 130mgs of methadone a day, which is why when I do try to use H to get high, I don't feel it. Methadone has a blockade effect. Which could make very easy for me OD, if I were to keep shooting H until I felt, but I'd never feel it, and just keel over and die.
So fuck H, until I'm off Methadone treatment for good, I'm staying away from H, or anything opiate.
If I really wanna nod out, all I gotta do is take my methadone dose and eat 5 Zanny bars.

AS most of you know the only reason I'm staying semi clean is for my family. I in no way want to be clean. I want to be a functioning addict. So when my parents die, which hopefully won't be for a long time, I'll get off the methadone, and go back to H.
BTW, I'm moving to London Sept of 2009. Which as we all know is close to Amsterdam, where they treat Heroin addiction not with methadone but with Heroin. You go to a heroin clinic.
HOw great would that be.

Anyway, its early in the morning here in Hawaii, and I haven't taken my dose yet, and today I'm not taking any benzos so I have a clean UA. Unless I go into benzo withdrawl then I'll take a half of a bar. Which should take away the withdrawls.
Right now I know I'm starting to withdrawl from either benzos or methadone because my eyes are watering, my nose is running, and my body aches.
I like to let myself get a bit sick, and then take my dose, it makes me apperciate methadone more when I do that.
Hey if you like my blog, please click on follow this blog. It would really make me feel better about myself, and I have really low self esteem.
Really I do, but that was just a ploy for you to become a follower. Sorry, I'm a loser idiot.

I wanna finsh my damn book also before I go back on H. So I got get my arse in gear. I'm having writers block because I need some dick or some pussy. I need to get laid. Its beeen forever. Over a year.
I gotta go, now and blog on myspace. Where my family can read my bullshit lies, about how well I'm doing, and how I'm so happy to be off H.
Well sometimes I tell the truth on my myspace blog, but sometmies I don't. Sometimes I just don't care what my family thinks of me, and sometimes I do. Also all my highschool friends, read that damn blog. Alot of my old high school friends have gotten to read what I have written of my book so far. 3 almost 4 chapters.
If any of you'd like to read my book, email me, and I'll send it to you, and I want your honest opinion.
Keep in mind it needs to be edited badly, I mean very badly. So take that into account if you do want me to send it to you.

Friday, November 7, 2008

You know how I keep telling people that I'm weeening myself off the benzo's, well its not true. Today I went to 4th St. Hell, and bought 30 bars. I took about 8 plus 2, 200mg morphine, and I'm still functioning at a normal level. NOt even nodding. Whch sucks.
What the fuck, I just wasted my f'ing money. I wanted to save that money for when my aunt comes to Hawaii, and we will be doing all kinds of cool shit. It will be like a vacation for us as well as my aunt. She has all kinds of shit lined up for us to do. I can't wait.

I know that when I get my UA at the methadone clinc I'm gonna lose my take home privliges, which means I will have to go to the clinic every day. Which will suck for my dad, but I don't mind it. I luv the bus. I'm sure my dad will insist on driving me to the clinic, because thats just how he is.
The other day, he told me the best present I could give him is if I got off methadone. When he said that it just tore at my heart strings. I do want to get off methadone too, but not for the same reasons my dad wants me off. I want off so I can accutally feel the high, when I inject the heroin, or whichever opiate I choose into my vein. I've only got one good vein left in my wrist. After that vein blows, its up to my neck. If I become a totally strung out junky again, I'll get skinny again, and that will make finding veins on me much easier.

First of all, I have to finish this book. I was born to write that book, or it would have been me in that car accident that killed Angie instead. This book is in the stars. I have to keep straight while I'm writing it. I just have to.
After this book, I have an idea for a second memoir, of my middle school years. I think that book might be more geared toward pre teens, and teenagers, but so what, its gonna be a good book, because I was a fucking beast in my pre teen years.
For my next book, I want to interview alot of my old classmates, and find out what they thought of me, and interview the people I hung out with most, and the one interview I dread the most is the one with Willy Coppens. My first seriousl boyfriend. Who is sorta still in love with me. Or so I here thur the grapevein. I'm not sure he's had another gf since I left him for Pete in 2003.

Oh yes, I also wanted to let some of you all know, that if I don't get this grant to go back to school here in Hawaii to study Lit, when my moms contract ends next year in Sept. we will be moving to England. OMG! My dream come true. Do I really have to go to college? Can't I just take tons and tons of writers workshops? If I do the get the grant, my parents will go without me, but evey chance I get, I'm flying over there to see them. I hope they luv it there, so I can possiblly live there forever. England is very close to Amsterdam. Need I remind you.

Peter, if your reading this, I want to know, truthfully, did you really think my book is good. You can leave an annoymous message, and I won't even know its you, I'll think its Crazy Charlie.
I have this feeling that you don't think the book is that good. I know it needs to be edited badly, and my grammer needs to improve ten fold if I really want to become a professinal writer.

Which brings me to another question to my readers. There is a guy who is looking for a roomate, and in his add he says his job is a professinal writer. So I took down his #, and have been wanting to call him and ask some questions. Whats the harm. The worst he could do is tell me to fuck off, or he could give me advice that I need, and will forever be in debted to him for. I'm going to call him. As soon as I back off these mother f'ing benzos. The fucking bars are pointless. They don't make me feel any better, but for a half hour to an hour after my dose. Its amazing how fast tolerances to drugs grow, and fast they disapear. The reason many season addicted just outta rehab OD, is because the forget that their toleracne went down while they were in detox or rehab.

Right now, I can take up to 10 Zanax bars and seem as normal as anyone else. When I first went back to benzo bars, two bars would do me in. I would be on the nod within 20 mins.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

What to do when the voices scream at me?

Ahhh, it feels good to be on a blog where I can be honest. I have to hurry up and type this blog out before the benzos take effect, and start nodding while I'm blogging.

As of late, I've been using benzos ever single day. Usually I take my dose and then about 15 minutes later I take anywhere from 1 to 5 benzos. Depending upon how out of it I want to be. I try to do 5 when my parents won't be around to see me falling all over myself, and nodding out in the middle of whatever I'm doing at the moment.

Halloween was the worst. I had taken my usually 130mg dose of methadone, and bought 50mgs more, plus I took 4 Zanax bars, along with two 50mg Fenegrens. Me and dad went to see the movie Saw 5, and before the previews were over I was nodding out. My dad (as always) kept nudging me trying to wake me up, and I tried to pretend I had just fallen asleep, and I try as hard as I could/can to stay awake, and watch the movie. Before I knew it, the movie was over, and I was woken up by my dad.
I hate myself for doing that. I really wanted to spend that time watching that movie with my dad. Its bonding time, and me and dad both love scary movies. I wish I would have taken all those drugs after the movie. After the movie dad and I were going to walk down Kalakaua St. where there was a street party going on, and we were going to dress Elle up in her halloween costume, and we'd just walk around looking at all the costumes.
Unfourtantly, my dad was disapointed at me, and embarrased of me to take me down to Haloween St. party, after my "stunt" during the movie. So instead of going to the street party we went home, and dad told me to go lie down, and try to sleep it off. which I did. I'm not sure what he did. I hope he had some fun, or at least enjoyed himself a bit. I ruined my dad's Haloween. I don't care about my Halloween. The reason I took so many pills to get me high, is so I could have an enjoyable halloween. The high was so not worth the pain I caused my father.
From now on, when my dad wants to go out, and go to the bar and get pissed to the gills, I will let him. He has the right to escape.
My dad is also a opiate addict. He broke his back in the army, and now he has sever pain in his back. He is 100% disabled vet, which means he gets alot of money every month from the goverment, and from his retirement fund. When the pain first started he was perscribed Percocdan, and about six months later he was perscribed Oxycontin 20mgs, then his doc upped it to 40mgs of Oxycontin. As you all know (if you read all my previous blogs) I tried his Percodan, and fell in love. I had always wanted to be a junky, and its like it feel into my lap. My dad gets perscribed 120 Percodan a month, and he only took them when he really needed them, which made it really easy for me to steal them. Which I did. When he got the new script of Oxycontin, I was elated. I knew what they were"hillbilly Heroin", and my dad was getting 120 a month and only took a half of one every day, which ment I had pretty much an endless supply of Oxycontin 20mgs.
Then my sister died. Suddenly my dad upped his use of his pills. He was taking(at times) more than his perscibed dose. Which left me with fewer and fewer to steal without his noticing. If I asked my parents for an Oxy they would give to me, expesially for the funeral.
About two months after my sister Angie Young died, my parents would no longer give me the oxys when I asked. Plus they moved far far away, and I would have to drive 4 hours to steal them.
I'm getting off track.
Today, my dad is an addict. Even tho he is perscribed his pills legally, and he does have real pain, he is physically addicted and mentally addicted. He found this out, when I went into rehab my first time.
My first time in rehab dad and I made a pact that he would stop using, and so would I. He got 43 hours clean, and he was digging thru the garbage to get his pills back. To this day, he has to hae his pills. If he is having a "bad" or "hard" day he will take a few extra. He never gets as loaded as I do. I've never seen him on the nod.
Still, my dad knows how hard it is to stop using, how much you need that pill or that injection to get thru your day, yet he expectes me to somehow overcome it, just like that. He still in the back of his mind beleives its will power.
I want to wring his neck when he askes me to get off the methadone and be free of the grip opiates have over me. He knows. He knows. He knows.
I am an addict, and I don't want to get clean. I don't want to go to prison, and I want to finish my book, and get it published, and it to make it to number one on New York Times Bestsellers List. Then I want to write my next book. I want to be an addict who is functional in socicety and si able to produce great liturature.
Yes I am an addict,, but right now I don't have a problem. I am functioning. Somwhat. Thanks to my parents. Without them, I would not be functional in society and I would have a problem.

If it weren't for me mum and dad, I would quit the clinic, and go back to street drugs, or find a doc who would perscribe me Dilauded. I'd go all out, and be a useless junky. I would of cource finish my book. I have to finish my book, or my life wont mean anything. I am a nhilest, so in my reality everything is nothing, but still I want my book to be published and to make me live on after my death.
I' not going to find love, and I'll never get married, or have children. I'm one of those people who has a mission and my mission is to write. To write a book. Lose your dreams, and you will lose your mind. I've lost my mind, but I don't want to lose my dreams. I'm going to finish this book, I am going to get it published, and I am going to have my book on the New York Times Bestseller list.
Okay....I'm done. The pills have kicked in, and I must stop or I'll nod, and make no sense, and you'll stop reading my blogs.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I have to get this blog out before the 5 Zanax bars I took with my methadone start to kick in....
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Why am I taking these benzos? They don't make feel as good as Heroin makes me feel(when I'm not on methadone), and it makes me nod out in the middle of writing or blogging. In my paper journal, my hand writing in indecipherable. I have moments where I can pull myself together for a minute, and make the words legible, but after that, its just too scrambled up to make any sense.
Another reason I wanted to get the f out this house without my parents, so because I got a few new out fits, and I want people to see em in them. When I lived in Green bay, I never ever got out of my PJ's, I sat around all day reading and writing. Nothing more, nothing less. Once in great while, me mum and dad felt the need to make me leave the house, so they would let Me the .... I'm sorry its too late, I'm nodding out. I'm not gonna b =e able t in