Sunday, November 9, 2008

Good day all. Its 6pm Hawaii time. My mom just left for work, night shift at the hospital. My dad is at the bar "watching football". Who knows what the hell my dad is really doing. I think he is screwing prostitutes. Me and mom found condoms in his pockets the other day.
Last year, my mom had an affair, and my parents almost got divorced, so now my mom feels guilty, and lets my dad's infidelities slide. As long as its only sex, and hes at home with her when she isn't at work, then its all good. Oh yeah, and he's not allowd to spend over 200.00 dollars a night. "One drinks".

Anyway, yesterday I took 200mg of morphine and one and one half of the 2mg Zanax bars. I did this in the morning so I could stave off dope sickness, and not take my methadone until later after my parents left.
When my parents left, mom to work, dad to "bar", I took my 130mg dose of methadone, and I took 6 and one half of the 2mg Zanax bars. Sure I felt good for a time. Unfourtantly there wasn't any here to talk to, and I wanted to talk.

So instead I decided to blog. Which didn't work out to well, becaue I kept nodding out. Then I fell esleep, or nodded for like three hours. When I was on that nod, I was in an akward postion. I was kneeling on the couch, and hunched over my puter. When I work up my back hurt, and my toung hurt. For some reason when ever I take alot of benzos;s my toung hurts.
So pretty much the night was a wast. I just slept, or nodded. I ended up passing out on the couch until 6am when I woke up, and felt like complete shit. My tounge ached, my arm hurt from the postion I was in, and I was still dog tired. So I poured myself a cup of coffee to try to stay awake.
About an half hour later my dad woke up, and I was wathcing some movie. I can't remember the name, but whatever. He wanted to watch football, so he went in his room and wathced. My mom got home around 7:30am So my mom slept while my dad watched football. I was so fucking tired today. I don't know if it was the way too many Zanax bars I took yesterday evening. So got my ass off this uncomfortable couch, and went to sleep in my bed. I slept until 3:30ish. I had to be awake by 4pm to get my mom up for work, since dad wasn't here. By the time I got up, I was dope sick, because I didn't take my methadone yet today. So at around 4ish I took my methadone, and then around 5:30ish I took 6 Zanax bars. Since I'm gonna be home alone tonight I figured I may as well.
Tonight tho, I'm gonna wath the boob tube in my mom and dads bed, instead of this couch, so when I nod, I don't have so many aches and pains.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention one of my teeth is hurting. Its not the worst pain I've ever had. Believe me I've had thee worst tooth pain in the world. I had a nerve that was inflamed and caused all the nerves on one side of my face to be pressed on, which in turn caused me the worst pain I have ever felt, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was already an addict, so when I went to the doc for it, he gave me Vicodon, which didn't even fase me. I called my dealer in Wisco, and he hooked me up, but that didn't even work. I did a shit load of Dilauded IV, and still no pain relief. So the next day I went to the doctor again, and told him the pain was so bad I was considering suicide. So he gave me this drug called Neuranton. Which is used normally as a mood stableizer, but it also works for sever nerve pain. It turns out I something called "trigeminal neuraulgia. Which means all my nerves on the right side of my face where inflamed, and its the worst pain a person can be in, worse that child birth, or at least I'm told. As we all know by know I've never had a kid. I once told someone I had his kid, but thats a whole other story, that I already told.

Oh yes, Tomorrow is my appointment to find out if I get the grant to go back to college and major in Lit. I also have to re assesed the next day to see if I can keep my welfare, and food stamps, then in the next week I get assesed to see if I can get SSI, for my mental disability, for my Bi Polar.
Which brings to somthing else. Right now, as far as my bi polar goes, I'm in the depressed stage. I'm thinking thats why I'm unable to write. When I'm in a manic stage, I love it because I feel high naturally, and can do anything I put my mind to. Now I realize even tho I'm depressed I can still do anything I put my mind to, but...but, fucking buts. There should be no buts, but when I'm depressed the only thing I can write is crapy poetry. I can't work on my book, because when I'm writing my book, which is a memoir, so I have to relive everything again in my mind. Alot of which is very depressing. Which in turn makes so depressed I feel like offing myself.
I know "Chaz" would luv that. lol!

As far as "Chaz" goes. Since the huge lie I told, we've cut off all contact. Which is a good thing. Which mean he can focus on his real love. Harmy. I truly wish the best for the two of them. They are both great people, stuck in a terriable situation. Addiction.
I know that both Chaz and Harmy HATE me, and I hope I never see them on the street, for I fear I will get my ass whopped by Harmy for messing with her mans head.
I hope she doesn't do that, because I'm not worth it. They should give a shit less what I think or say about them. Its not hurting me, its only hurting them. If I were to get hurt physically it would cause Harmy or Chaz legal problems, because I would press charges. I just want both of them out of my life.
I'm having a real hard time staying totally clean. The way I look at it, as long as I'm not putting needles in my body full of Heroin, I'm doing better than I was when I was my lowest. Still I'm not doing as well as I was when I was living back in Wisco, and didn't have much access to H or benzos. Well I did have access to benzos beause my dad gets a shit load of Klonipins.
When I was in Wisco, where I was wanted, I was carfefull. I stayed straight as an arrow. Until the law caught up to me. Which thank goodness thats over with. Now, I have to stay away from criminal activites, and behaviours. Which is hard for me, but my parents help me out wht that.
By treating me like a child. The fact that I got a doctor writing me scrips for Zanax, keeps me from having to do anything that is illegal.
May gods will be unto me.
Dear God,

If your out there, and listenting to this, please help me to get off these benzos. The are really messing with my bi polar, and hurting myself and all those I love and care for. I'm so thankfull for all you have giving me, and for parents that love me so much it hurts. Thank you for Elleanor. Thank you for methadone, when I'm using it properly, as keeps my demons at bay. I love you, and honor you. You are my higher power, and I need the you in me to guide me to my dream. Help me with my book.

I gotta go, a good show is on.


Anonymous said...

why is it you would press charges on sopmeone that beat you up? thats called a RAT, COP CALLER, DIME DROPPER. what the fuck? you cant just suck it up and go on with ypur life? you literally announced to the world that youre a cop caller. maybe you should do us all a favor and ....

Anonymous said...

that comment is from me, Rosemary 27yrs old from california