Monday, November 24, 2008

Laaaah Di Daaaah

My aunt leaves today. Thank goodness. I'm an Aquarius, and we are suppose to be great entertainers. I'm not. I hate entertaining people. I don't mind entertaining junkies, because all we need is some fits, spoons, fire, dope, belt, and good veins. Then we all shoot up, and enjoy ourselves.
So today, my mom took me to the methadone clinic. Which is break from our usual routine. Normally my dad takes me to the clinic. My dad had to go to the North Shore, to film a scene for Lost(the TV show on ABC filmed here in Hawaii)
Life sure does throw some surprises at you. My dads always wanted to be in the movies. He's got that Ray Liota look, aka a hard look, and a cop look. My dad was just sitting in a bar, and a casting director came up to him, and game him his card, and ever since my dad had gotten head shots, and today is his first day on set. OMG, my dad might become a TV star. How fucking weird would that be? WEIRD!
I hope he does well. The good part about my dad being on Lost for me is that, I get to be an extra on the show, and go to the set with my dog, and myself. I've never seen a TV show being filmed.
Other than that. After my mom took me to get my methaodne does, I said I was going to the library, but instead I went to 4th St. Mall, and picked up some benzos. A few extra Methadone pills. Today I took about 6 Zanny bars, and well, I cleaned the house, and now I'm blogging. So far no nodding. I even did go to the libray. I dropped off two books, and paid a fine, then I went on the putes at the libary, and sent an email to my best friend, who lives in Wisconsin.
I told about, how today, I feel manic. I feel like I could finish my book in the next few days. I could get alot done today. That is if I don't go on the nod suddenly. I know tonight, I'll be tired, and wont be able to stay up and watch my shows. Oh well. What can I do. At least I feel good right now.

I have no intrest in sex. Every now and again, if I put of taking my take home methadone dose, I start to get that "need" back, so I jump in the shower, and rub my clit until I cum. When I'm imagining during my masterbation, I'm imagining me and some hot junky fucking and injecting H. Eating X, and then I cum, and its all over with. I think that maybe if I had some X, and some H, and was with a man that i was attracted to. Like say Jake, I might be able to fuck. STill tho, right now my body isn't at the best shape, and until I either get strung out again, or cut out the sweets, and workout 3 to 4 hours a day. (I have the time right now), I can work on my book durning the night, which when I usually like to work on my book anyway. Working out during the day, stay off the benzos for a while, get my body back. Once I get my body back, I can find a sugar daddy, who could take care of me, and my drug problem, while I work on my books.
So once I'm thin again. I plan on letting my wings spread out, and take off out of this nest my mom and dad have me in.
I don't know what we are going to do after Sept. 2009. My mom can't go to London because she would need her BA, and she only has her Associates degree. So we might be off to New York. Which would be Okay, Its the right place to be if I want to get my book out there.

Still, I'm really thinking of taking off to the middle of no where, and living out my dream. My junky dream. Where I just go to Oklahoma, and live on the streets, and find a part time job, so I can buy my Heroin, and just find an apartment. I don't care if its a shitty apartment. Hopefully my book will be published by then, and I will be getting residual checks. I have a second book in me. A memoir of my middle school, thru highschool.
I grew up in a small town. I was sort of popular. Then 7Th grade came along, and I no longer wanted to be cool, or popular. I wanted to be myself. I didn't want to be in clique'. So I went on my own, and found that because of that my self esteem went down the tubes. My parents always made me feel beautiful. They bought me the best close, until I said I didn't want nice close. Again this is After Kurt died, and Hole was big. I wanted to be the grunge girl. In a small town, who had two types of people, the rednecks, and the dirtballs. The rednecks listened to country, and the dirtballs listened to metal, death, black, ect... metal. Me I liked shit like Mazzy Star, and Past Cline, and Billy Holiday. I felt like the most uncool person on earth, and gave up on boyfriends.
Although when I was 15 I met this 20 year old guy who sorta got me, and we began dating all threw High school. He was totally against drugs, except alcohol. So we did alot of drinking. He is my biggest mistake to date. Well, some might say getting hooked on junk was, but I think
Willy was my biggest mistake. He was controlling, and never let me out, and all kinds of weird shit. He was super jealous. Which I understand why, at that time, I was think and had a great face, I could have found a guy much easier than he could have found another me. I cheated on him too many times to count. I was trying to live it up. By the time I was 16 I was going out drinking in bars. My bf was now 21 and he was friends with the bartenders, so i got to drink in there with him. I thought i was cool shit. All my high school class mates were going to parties in the woods, and I was going to the bar.
The final straw with Willy was my senior party. He would not let me go. That night he had trap shooting. So I stayed home and cleaned and waited for him. He never called, and didn't come home until like 2am. The next day at school, everyone was asking me why I wasn't at the last party before we graduated, and they told me that Willy(my boyfriend was there) who by this time was like 23 or something. He shouldn't have been at some high school party. Espeically mine,his girlfriends. As soon as I found out, I moved all my shit out of our apartment, and moved back in with my parents. I never looked back. I found someone else within the next two months.
Pete. Who I was with for four or so years. Pete was soooooo much better than Willy,
So now I'm 25, and its the first time I've been totally single since I was 15 yrs old. I became a junky in between Willy and Pete. Started out on my dads Percocets, which turned into Oxycontin. Then Di lauded, and then Heroin. Now methadone. My true love is opiates. NO man will ever compare to how opiates make me feel. I no longer want men or women. I no longer want sex, or to make love, maybe I wouldn't mind getting fucked once in a while, just release some frustration. I need a dildo too.

I love my new pen pal Noah. He doesn't know he is my pen pal, I just told him this morning. v got to stop this blog now. I nodded for like a hour. and now i'm in uncomfortable possiosions. bye.


naomi, england uk said...

LOST!?!?!? i love lost with a passion so you are a very very lucky thing! tis the best show on tv! i know what you mean about sex. i havent had sex in ages and now im on subutex i dont have any desire for it at all. the thought repulses me but sometimes i get drunk and feel the urge to come, but not to have sex. i dont think of some hot guy, i think of the H buzz. odd. or not really when you think about it!
heroin dreams... i still cling on to mine. hopefully as time passes it wont seem such a sensible option as i percieve it to be now! good to find your blog, take care, good luck. naomi cambridge, uk x

Anonymous said...

Hi Anna,
I can't get enough of your writing!
I've read I Hate Myself and loved it.
I too am bipolar and a junkie, I'm not just saying that, it's so fucking true.
Just keep on keeping on and keep writing!