Last night, after taking 8 or 10 benzos and two hundered mgs of Morphine, and still didn't go on the nod, I went to the bar, to have a few drinks to see if that would help me feel it, but nope it didn't. Oh well. I'm still alive. I have a very high tolerance to benzos, which sucks for me, but is good too. It would take alot for me to OD on benzos and methadone. BTW, I'm at 130mgs of methadone a day, which is why when I do try to use H to get high, I don't feel it. Methadone has a blockade effect. Which could make very easy for me OD, if I were to keep shooting H until I felt, but I'd never feel it, and just keel over and die.
So fuck H, until I'm off Methadone treatment for good, I'm staying away from H, or anything opiate.
If I really wanna nod out, all I gotta do is take my methadone dose and eat 5 Zanny bars.
AS most of you know the only reason I'm staying semi clean is for my family. I in no way want to be clean. I want to be a functioning addict. So when my parents die, which hopefully won't be for a long time, I'll get off the methadone, and go back to H.
BTW, I'm moving to London Sept of 2009. Which as we all know is close to Amsterdam, where they treat Heroin addiction not with methadone but with Heroin. You go to a heroin clinic.
HOw great would that be.
Anyway, its early in the morning here in Hawaii, and I haven't taken my dose yet, and today I'm not taking any benzos so I have a clean UA. Unless I go into benzo withdrawl then I'll take a half of a bar. Which should take away the withdrawls.
Right now I know I'm starting to withdrawl from either benzos or methadone because my eyes are watering, my nose is running, and my body aches.
I like to let myself get a bit sick, and then take my dose, it makes me apperciate methadone more when I do that.
Hey if you like my blog, please click on follow this blog. It would really make me feel better about myself, and I have really low self esteem.
Really I do, but that was just a ploy for you to become a follower. Sorry, I'm a loser idiot.
I wanna finsh my damn book also before I go back on H. So I got get my arse in gear. I'm having writers block because I need some dick or some pussy. I need to get laid. Its beeen forever. Over a year.
I gotta go, now and blog on myspace. Where my family can read my bullshit lies, about how well I'm doing, and how I'm so happy to be off H.
Well sometimes I tell the truth on my myspace blog, but sometmies I don't. Sometimes I just don't care what my family thinks of me, and sometimes I do. Also all my highschool friends, read that damn blog. Alot of my old high school friends have gotten to read what I have written of my book so far. 3 almost 4 chapters.
If any of you'd like to read my book, email me, and I'll send it to you, and I want your honest opinion.
Keep in mind it needs to be edited badly, I mean very badly. So take that into account if you do want me to send it to you.