Saturday, November 8, 2008

Last night, after taking 8 or 10 benzos and two hundered mgs of Morphine, and still didn't go on the nod, I went to the bar, to have a few drinks to see if that would help me feel it, but nope it didn't. Oh well. I'm still alive. I have a very high tolerance to benzos, which sucks for me, but is good too. It would take alot for me to OD on benzos and methadone. BTW, I'm at 130mgs of methadone a day, which is why when I do try to use H to get high, I don't feel it. Methadone has a blockade effect. Which could make very easy for me OD, if I were to keep shooting H until I felt, but I'd never feel it, and just keel over and die.
So fuck H, until I'm off Methadone treatment for good, I'm staying away from H, or anything opiate.
If I really wanna nod out, all I gotta do is take my methadone dose and eat 5 Zanny bars.

AS most of you know the only reason I'm staying semi clean is for my family. I in no way want to be clean. I want to be a functioning addict. So when my parents die, which hopefully won't be for a long time, I'll get off the methadone, and go back to H.
BTW, I'm moving to London Sept of 2009. Which as we all know is close to Amsterdam, where they treat Heroin addiction not with methadone but with Heroin. You go to a heroin clinic.
HOw great would that be.

Anyway, its early in the morning here in Hawaii, and I haven't taken my dose yet, and today I'm not taking any benzos so I have a clean UA. Unless I go into benzo withdrawl then I'll take a half of a bar. Which should take away the withdrawls.
Right now I know I'm starting to withdrawl from either benzos or methadone because my eyes are watering, my nose is running, and my body aches.
I like to let myself get a bit sick, and then take my dose, it makes me apperciate methadone more when I do that.
Hey if you like my blog, please click on follow this blog. It would really make me feel better about myself, and I have really low self esteem.
Really I do, but that was just a ploy for you to become a follower. Sorry, I'm a loser idiot.

I wanna finsh my damn book also before I go back on H. So I got get my arse in gear. I'm having writers block because I need some dick or some pussy. I need to get laid. Its beeen forever. Over a year.
I gotta go, now and blog on myspace. Where my family can read my bullshit lies, about how well I'm doing, and how I'm so happy to be off H.
Well sometimes I tell the truth on my myspace blog, but sometmies I don't. Sometimes I just don't care what my family thinks of me, and sometimes I do. Also all my highschool friends, read that damn blog. Alot of my old high school friends have gotten to read what I have written of my book so far. 3 almost 4 chapters.
If any of you'd like to read my book, email me, and I'll send it to you, and I want your honest opinion.
Keep in mind it needs to be edited badly, I mean very badly. So take that into account if you do want me to send it to you.


Dying4Something2Live4 said...

I would love for you to send me what you have so far. Yea, ya caught me! lol. I also want to be a writer. But I'm not sure, I'd also like to be 100 other things, but it'll fall into place eventually. Just like everything does for everyone, ya know? Don't feel bad about lying to your family. I have to do the same thing, but I'm doing it only because I have their best intrest at heart, as well as you do. In the end, it'll come out, it always does. But only when I get completly 100% better. So keep ur head up, there's always tomorrow to look forward to.

Anna Young said...

I'm just going back. touring the past. As I read these old posts here on blogger and on myspace, it seems like this was written just yeasterday. Back when my book was just a document on my computer and a few megabites on my zip disk. When I imagiend my book would be picked up by some huge publishing house without even haveing an literary agent. Little did I know I would end up with a Vanity Publisher.

As I re read all these posts, I notice they all say the same things. I want to get off Methadone so I can use h again. I want to stop using xanax. I want to publish my book, I want to move to NYC. I don't want to hurt my parents.

These themes still exist in my life today, but I've come to terms with my life more now. Back then I didn't get SSI, I was still wanted by the police in Wisconsin, and if caught was looking at up to a year in county jail. I ended up turning myself in when I moved back to WI, and I spent 77 day in County jail. I also was approved for SSI. The only reason I turned myself in, was because in order to start getting my SSI payments I couldn't have any warrents out for my arrest. I spent a long time in Brown County Mental health before doing the 77 days in jail. So 6 or 7 months of my life at age 27 was spent under lock and key. I got out from under lock and key Dec. 14 2009. I think it was 2009.
I did get off Methadone, and went back to heroin for seven months. I was also on Suboxone. I lost nearly all the weight I had gained from the MMT and benzo habit. I published my book, and it's now for sale. Sales aren't that good. I rushed through writing the book, and now that its out there published, I wish I could go back and re work the book. Do a total overhaul.

The thing is, all this stuff happened since I first started blogging here, but here I am back on MMT here in Green Bay, living with my parents. Things have changed and stayed the same. I'm 29 now. I'll be 30 in 2013. In 2013 it will have been 10 years since my sister Angie died.