Sunday, November 23, 2008

Reading another junkies blog...

WTF, am I doing to myself? I was just reading this guys blog, I don't remember the name of it, but I just subscribed to it. It starts with Junky....
Anyway...
He's still using. Still in that happy, warm, fuzzy, heroin place. I remeber being in that place. Still able to hold down a job, and use. Still able to stay under the 5-0's radar. He also writes about his use in a way that makes my mouth literlly drool. It makes me want to get off this methadone. I haven't taken my dose yet today. I have like 5 Zanny bars left, so I might take all those with my "done" today, and then tomorrow go down to hell and pick up.
The only reason I don't go and find some H right now, is because I know I won't feel it. My dose being at 130mgs, is a blocking dose. No matter how good the H is, I won't feel that inital orgasmic feeling I would get if I were not on Methaodne.
At least with the methaodne, when I first take it... about 20mins later, I feel that warm fuzzy feeling....just for a bit, then its gone, and I'm pissed. I want my heroin back. I want my love back. I want to die with a needle in my arm, I want to die happy.
The things I sacarfice for my parents. All this pain to make them happy. Make them feel their daughters life isn't a complete waste. If Angie were still Alive I probably would still be on the H, instead of the methadone. Angie was the good child. The one who was going places. The one with a work ethic, and didn't use drugs. She did drink, and thats what killed her, drinking and driving. My parents still condone drinking, yet they frown on my use of opiates. Such hippocrites. Just like out goverment.
The blogger I'm talking about...his name is Noah, and if you want to check out his blog, look on my profile at the blog I follow.
I even emailed him. NOt sure why, just felt like it. He talked about shooting up so beautifully I just had to ask if I could move to his state, and be his addict wife. He is only 22, and I'm almost 26...Feb. 2nd. Courntney was older than Kurt. Kurt is dead just like my sister. Gone. I will be dead someday too. I wonder what being dead is. Is there even a "being" dead, or is it just dead?
I like to blog, and like to use methadone and Zanax bars. I like nodding.
I'm gonna go take my methaodne. I have take home doses. I only go to the clinic three times a week, but my next UA, I will get them taken away, because of my new found benzo useage.
Stay clean.
Anna
xoxoxoox

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