Tuesday, November 4, 2008

What to do when the voices scream at me?

Ahhh, it feels good to be on a blog where I can be honest. I have to hurry up and type this blog out before the benzos take effect, and start nodding while I'm blogging.

As of late, I've been using benzos ever single day. Usually I take my dose and then about 15 minutes later I take anywhere from 1 to 5 benzos. Depending upon how out of it I want to be. I try to do 5 when my parents won't be around to see me falling all over myself, and nodding out in the middle of whatever I'm doing at the moment.

Halloween was the worst. I had taken my usually 130mg dose of methadone, and bought 50mgs more, plus I took 4 Zanax bars, along with two 50mg Fenegrens. Me and dad went to see the movie Saw 5, and before the previews were over I was nodding out. My dad (as always) kept nudging me trying to wake me up, and I tried to pretend I had just fallen asleep, and I try as hard as I could/can to stay awake, and watch the movie. Before I knew it, the movie was over, and I was woken up by my dad.
I hate myself for doing that. I really wanted to spend that time watching that movie with my dad. Its bonding time, and me and dad both love scary movies. I wish I would have taken all those drugs after the movie. After the movie dad and I were going to walk down Kalakaua St. where there was a street party going on, and we were going to dress Elle up in her halloween costume, and we'd just walk around looking at all the costumes.
Unfourtantly, my dad was disapointed at me, and embarrased of me to take me down to Haloween St. party, after my "stunt" during the movie. So instead of going to the street party we went home, and dad told me to go lie down, and try to sleep it off. which I did. I'm not sure what he did. I hope he had some fun, or at least enjoyed himself a bit. I ruined my dad's Haloween. I don't care about my Halloween. The reason I took so many pills to get me high, is so I could have an enjoyable halloween. The high was so not worth the pain I caused my father.
From now on, when my dad wants to go out, and go to the bar and get pissed to the gills, I will let him. He has the right to escape.
My dad is also a opiate addict. He broke his back in the army, and now he has sever pain in his back. He is 100% disabled vet, which means he gets alot of money every month from the goverment, and from his retirement fund. When the pain first started he was perscribed Percocdan, and about six months later he was perscribed Oxycontin 20mgs, then his doc upped it to 40mgs of Oxycontin. As you all know (if you read all my previous blogs) I tried his Percodan, and fell in love. I had always wanted to be a junky, and its like it feel into my lap. My dad gets perscribed 120 Percodan a month, and he only took them when he really needed them, which made it really easy for me to steal them. Which I did. When he got the new script of Oxycontin, I was elated. I knew what they were"hillbilly Heroin", and my dad was getting 120 a month and only took a half of one every day, which ment I had pretty much an endless supply of Oxycontin 20mgs.
Then my sister died. Suddenly my dad upped his use of his pills. He was taking(at times) more than his perscibed dose. Which left me with fewer and fewer to steal without his noticing. If I asked my parents for an Oxy they would give to me, expesially for the funeral.
About two months after my sister Angie Young died, my parents would no longer give me the oxys when I asked. Plus they moved far far away, and I would have to drive 4 hours to steal them.
I'm getting off track.
Anyway...
Today, my dad is an addict. Even tho he is perscribed his pills legally, and he does have real pain, he is physically addicted and mentally addicted. He found this out, when I went into rehab my first time.
My first time in rehab dad and I made a pact that he would stop using, and so would I. He got 43 hours clean, and he was digging thru the garbage to get his pills back. To this day, he has to hae his pills. If he is having a "bad" or "hard" day he will take a few extra. He never gets as loaded as I do. I've never seen him on the nod.
Still, my dad knows how hard it is to stop using, how much you need that pill or that injection to get thru your day, yet he expectes me to somehow overcome it, just like that. He still in the back of his mind beleives its will power.
I want to wring his neck when he askes me to get off the methadone and be free of the grip opiates have over me. He knows. He knows. He knows.
I am an addict, and I don't want to get clean. I don't want to go to prison, and I want to finish my book, and get it published, and it to make it to number one on New York Times Bestsellers List. Then I want to write my next book. I want to be an addict who is functional in socicety and si able to produce great liturature.
Yes I am an addict,, but right now I don't have a problem. I am functioning. Somwhat. Thanks to my parents. Without them, I would not be functional in society and I would have a problem.


If it weren't for me mum and dad, I would quit the clinic, and go back to street drugs, or find a doc who would perscribe me Dilauded. I'd go all out, and be a useless junky. I would of cource finish my book. I have to finish my book, or my life wont mean anything. I am a nhilest, so in my reality everything is nothing, but still I want my book to be published and to make me live on after my death.
I' not going to find love, and I'll never get married, or have children. I'm one of those people who has a mission and my mission is to write. To write a book. Lose your dreams, and you will lose your mind. I've lost my mind, but I don't want to lose my dreams. I'm going to finish this book, I am going to get it published, and I am going to have my book on the New York Times Bestseller list.
Okay....I'm done. The pills have kicked in, and I must stop or I'll nod, and make no sense, and you'll stop reading my blogs.
Anna
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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