Friday, November 7, 2008

You know how I keep telling people that I'm weeening myself off the benzo's, well its not true. Today I went to 4th St. Hell, and bought 30 bars. I took about 8 plus 2, 200mg morphine, and I'm still functioning at a normal level. NOt even nodding. Whch sucks.
What the fuck, I just wasted my f'ing money. I wanted to save that money for when my aunt comes to Hawaii, and we will be doing all kinds of cool shit. It will be like a vacation for us as well as my aunt. She has all kinds of shit lined up for us to do. I can't wait.

I know that when I get my UA at the methadone clinc I'm gonna lose my take home privliges, which means I will have to go to the clinic every day. Which will suck for my dad, but I don't mind it. I luv the bus. I'm sure my dad will insist on driving me to the clinic, because thats just how he is.
The other day, he told me the best present I could give him is if I got off methadone. When he said that it just tore at my heart strings. I do want to get off methadone too, but not for the same reasons my dad wants me off. I want off so I can accutally feel the high, when I inject the heroin, or whichever opiate I choose into my vein. I've only got one good vein left in my wrist. After that vein blows, its up to my neck. If I become a totally strung out junky again, I'll get skinny again, and that will make finding veins on me much easier.

First of all, I have to finish this book. I was born to write that book, or it would have been me in that car accident that killed Angie instead. This book is in the stars. I have to keep straight while I'm writing it. I just have to.
After this book, I have an idea for a second memoir, of my middle school years. I think that book might be more geared toward pre teens, and teenagers, but so what, its gonna be a good book, because I was a fucking beast in my pre teen years.
For my next book, I want to interview alot of my old classmates, and find out what they thought of me, and interview the people I hung out with most, and the one interview I dread the most is the one with Willy Coppens. My first seriousl boyfriend. Who is sorta still in love with me. Or so I here thur the grapevein. I'm not sure he's had another gf since I left him for Pete in 2003.

Oh yes, I also wanted to let some of you all know, that if I don't get this grant to go back to school here in Hawaii to study Lit, when my moms contract ends next year in Sept. we will be moving to England. OMG! My dream come true. Do I really have to go to college? Can't I just take tons and tons of writers workshops? If I do the get the grant, my parents will go without me, but evey chance I get, I'm flying over there to see them. I hope they luv it there, so I can possiblly live there forever. England is very close to Amsterdam. Need I remind you.

Peter, if your reading this, I want to know, truthfully, did you really think my book is good. You can leave an annoymous message, and I won't even know its you, I'll think its Crazy Charlie.
I have this feeling that you don't think the book is that good. I know it needs to be edited badly, and my grammer needs to improve ten fold if I really want to become a professinal writer.

Which brings me to another question to my readers. There is a guy who is looking for a roomate, and in his add he says his job is a professinal writer. So I took down his #, and have been wanting to call him and ask some questions. Whats the harm. The worst he could do is tell me to fuck off, or he could give me advice that I need, and will forever be in debted to him for. I'm going to call him. As soon as I back off these mother f'ing benzos. The fucking bars are pointless. They don't make me feel any better, but for a half hour to an hour after my dose. Its amazing how fast tolerances to drugs grow, and fast they disapear. The reason many season addicted just outta rehab OD, is because the forget that their toleracne went down while they were in detox or rehab.

Right now, I can take up to 10 Zanax bars and seem as normal as anyone else. When I first went back to benzo bars, two bars would do me in. I would be on the nod within 20 mins.

2 comments:

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

i think you should say fuck the benzo's, like you said, they're not even doing anything anymore. Right? Right. 2nd, I think (if you're not already) you should get back on your phsyc meds. Nothing to be ashamed of, I'm on 'em too! Third, you definately SHOULD call the guy from the add! Like you said, what's the worst that could happen? Even if the worst does happen, hang up on the prick. But I highly doubt that that will happen. Good luck hun!

AnnaGrace said...

Thanks sweety. I will call him, and I will say fuck the benzos, or at least make my best effort.
Fuck the benzos and fuck the bozos. Luv ya, I'm going to read your blog right now.