Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I predicted right. Now one was holding any benzos today. I was downtown for three hours looking to score some benzos. Everyone was dry. It always that way at the begining of the month. Everyone gets their welfare, and goes straight down town to pick up. By the time I can get away from my parents, all the Xanny bars gone.

I don't know how I'm gonna get away tomrrow morning to see if downtown has any of my pills. I'll have to be imaginative. Library, and mall are pretty worn out.

I'm getting off the methadone. I can't take how fat its aking me. No matter how much I work out, I'm still fat Add benzos to the mixture, and my metabolizm probably is slower than turtle.
I got to go.


sydney_savage said...

you are seriously an idiot. why would you want to fuck up your life even more to not be fat. such a small thing in comparision to being a drug addled zombie.

AnnaGrace said...

Your right. I need to stay on the methadone, until, I kick the benzos, and want to stay clean.

I've always had very low self-esteem, and now being fat on top of it, makes for no self esteem.
So heroin, (at least for the 3 or 4 hours I'm high) I have self-esteem.
What I need to work on is building my self esteem, and I've been trying, but its just so hard when your over 200lbs.
I seriously am an idiot. I know this, but thank you for reminding me.
I understand where your coming from tho.
I'm doing positive affirmations, and reminding myself what I'm risking every time I go out and buy something illegal.
Thanks for the kick in the head, verbally.
I just can't find a reason, that when I get to a point in my life, where I can function as Heroin addict, why I wouldn't use it.
Really its a pipe dream, to be a heroin junky and be a functional member of society.
Maybe Amsterdam is the place for me. Where they treat heroin addicts with heroin.
I'm sorry for pissing you off Sydney_savage. Your right.

shananiganss said...

That was pretty harsh sydney. Hey, just start powdering your nose and you'll lose the weight! j/k :)

sydney_savage said...

Sometimes only brutal honesty will wake a person up.

Know that if I didn't care, I wouldn't comment.

sydney_savage said...

Oh and btw... I've been to Amsterdam... never tried heroin... but I'm pretty sure the end result is the same there as it is everywhere else... death. Don't waste this life.

You should get off the benzo's, the methadone EVERYTHING. Get into treatment and really committ to it. I promise you, you will be a much better writer when you are raw and honest and experiencing life without anything to numb it.

AnnaGrace said...

I'm a shitty writer either way. We both know this.

yes, when I was clean, my writing did come from a deep emotinal place that I hide deep in my subcosiouness. When writing about those things I had choosen to forget, I had relive them, and the pain seem to great, and I found myself trying to fix the emotional pain by self medicating.

Comminting myself to staying clean is going to take alot more than someone telling me I seriously am an idiot. I've known that for years. Its gonna have to come from deep within me. When I'm ready to face these demons, and not need to avoid the emotional pain with opiates.
I make no sence. Sorry. I'm a useless waste of space. I should stop blogging. I hate to make people so angry. I can't stand it when a non addict trys to give an addict advice. Its like me giving you white water rafting lessons without ever having been white water rafting.
Still I appreciate your comments, and hope I haven't offended you. You are a good person only trying to help. I understand that.
Everyone seems to want to mold me into what they want me to be, and won't let me be who I want to be. Its hard, and its easy.
Vainity, if only it didn't exist. Imagine a world were lookes didn't mean a single thing. I wish I livied in that world. It will never come to furition. Oh well. Thank Sydney.

sydney_savage said...

You ARE a good writer, and are better at it when you aren't nodding off. I just see a lovely, intelligent, honest human being that I feel I would want to know in real life, who could be a great friend..... I naturally want the best for you, but I can't help but tell you when you are being negative and dumb.