Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I haven't got much to say. I just watched the suicide of Budd Dwyer. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, Budd was a senator, or congressmen, who shot himself in the head during a press conference in the 1980s. I have wanted to see this video for a long time, but could never find it...until today.

I thought the video would be very disturbing, but really it wasn't. He put the gun in his mouth, and it was over with. There was alot of blood coming out of his mouth and nose. It looked as tho he was still alive for about 2 seconds after he fell to the floor, and then you can see the life go out of his eyes. I wonder if it was painful? You can hear people in the background, when he pulls the gun out of the Manila envelope, saying, "Budd don't do it, and he hesitates for about 10 to 15 seconds, and then he shoots himself. Then you can hear in the background, a man saying don't panic, someone call a doctor, and the ambulance, and the police. Then they turned the camera off.

I really feel bad for his family. To have to witness their loved one kill himself. I wonder why he chose to kill himself in such a public manner? Most people who kill themselves do so in a very private way. Some people find a hiding place, so no-one will find them.

Sylvia Plath's first suicide attempt she crawled into a cubby hole in her house, and took an overdose. She didn't want anyone to find her until she was for sure dead. She didn't take enough of the pills to get the job done, so she woke up two days later, and someone herd her moving around in the cubby hole, and they pulled her out, and brought her to the hospital.

Mine where all private, excluding the attempts I made while drunk. Which are too numerous to count. Those I did in front of whom ever was around. I tried to hide the fact that I had just taken a bottle full of Dexedrine. Which by the way, was the stupidest way to attempt suicide. I took an upper, so I would have been awake for the whole dieing part until I finally died. Being suicidal and drinking do not go together very well. First of all you not thinking straight, and usually its hard to find a instrument to do the deed with.

My closest attempt was when I was stone cold sober. It was the most calm I have ever felt without drugs. First I shoot up enough Morphine to get me high, and then I took 500 aspirin with a bottle of wine. For whatever reason my dad checked in on me, and found me before I had completed the task of dying. I still feel like a terrible selfish asshole, cunt, retard, when I think about how my father must have felt finding his only living child lying their going. He already found his father's dead body when he committed suicide at our house, in our garage. Finding two suicides in one lifetime...my father is a strong man. I forgive all his faults, because I am no where near as strong as he is. I've seen my father attempt suicide, but he was drunk, and the next morning he seemed to be all better, although he was still blue, but he wasn't trying to hang himself. That happened the day after he found his dad's body. I was seven.

I believe I blogged about this before.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to see this video so badly was because before Kurt Cobain shot himself he watched the video of Budd shooting himself over and over for hours on end. I think after seeing that shooting yourself in the head is pretty much painless, it took out some of the fear of suicide for him. Of course Kurt used a shotgun, and Budd used a handgun. Perhaps there is a difference in the effectiveness of getting it done, and the pain involved. Kurt also injected a nice juicy shot of H before he put the Shotgun in his mouth, probably just to make sure it was painless.

Away, just thought I'd share this with you.

Also I have a question for "anonymous", if you hate my blog so much, and hate my writing, then why in the world do you read it? Are you retarded, or worse yet an obsessed Charlie who can't move on? "anonymous" why don't you go back to your job. Coward.
Lots of love.
Anna Grace

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