Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm fucking up.

I'm SO bored right now. Its 10pm here in Hawaii. My dad just got home from the bar, and I just woke up out of my 3 hour long nod.

I had a pretty shitty day. I was suppose to go snorkeling today, but that of course fell thru. My parents just wern't up for it. I of course then decided that I should go and restock up on my Xanax bars. I'm down to 8. So I took 80 dollars out of my welfare, and went down to China Town, to buy 20 bars, and 20 methadone. I needed the methadone because yesterday my friend Jake missed his dose, and promised me if I gave him my take home for Sunday that he'd pay me back today at 3pm. He never showed, nor did I expect him to. When I was with him yesterday, I bought 100 dollars worth of baby blues. Which is 30mg Oxycodone instant release. The only thing that can break thru the 130 mgs of methadone I'm on. So as soon as I got my 10 baby blues, yes they coasted 10 dollars a piece, I went straight home to put them in my veins. I did 5 of the baby blues in one shot, and I felt a little buzz, but nothing like it would have felt had I not been on MMT. So I did the other 5, same thing. A little buzz, but not the heaven feeling. I wasted 100 bucks. I fucking hate myself. I wish I would have just spent that 100 dollars on bars, and extra methadone.

Anyway...
I'm getting off track. No one had any Xanax bars. I did get my 40 dollars worth of methadone, and 20 dollars worth blue heaven's, which are the 100mg Morphine. 20 dollars bought me 5 of the 100mg Morphine. As soon as I bought the morphine I took all 5 of them. I ate them. I figured it'd just be a waste to shoot them up, so I just took them. I knew that with the 8mg of Xanax I had taken, and my methadone I took that morning, that those 500 mgs of morphine would at least put me on the nod.
So after I made my purchases, I sat down to talk to this one person I knew who said he could get me some bars, and suddenly two police cars pull up, and park in front of us. They get out of their cars, and ask the guy I'm sitting next too if he is so and so. He wasn't so and so, and then they mentioned the person they were looking for was wearing green fatigue pants(army pants). I knew who they were talking about, so as soon as the cops got back in their cars, I went to were I knew the guy in the army pants was, and since he was in the bathroom, I told the people who were outside the door who were in his little circle of friends to tell so and so that cops are looking for him, and for him to not go back to were he usually is.
I was scared because i had just bought those morphine from this guy, so as soon as made sure he knew he was on the radar of the 5-0 I high tailed her outta China Town. I went to the Library, and then home. When I got home, I attempted to blog, but nodded out.
So, so far, I'm 160 dollars. Jake owes me 15 methadone pills. Hopefully he pays me back in Xanax instead. On Monday, I'm gonna try to find Jake, and get the money from him, that he owes me. I know he has it too, because he just got his welfare, just like I just got mine.

Also I met this girl on myspace, and she shares the same dream as me. She lives in NYC, and I want to move there so bad, and my parents are moving there in September. This girl from myspace is also a junky, and just wants to live out the junky dream. I of course want to finish my book before I go back into full blown junky.
Man, before I moved to Hawaii, I was doing so good with only the methadone. Then I move back to Hawaii, where I know everyone who's holding, and how easy it is to get, and just like a junky I went out and started using benzos again with my methadone, and now I'm gonna get my take homes taken away. Son of a bitch. I'm fucking up, I'm fucking it up. I have to stop now. I have to. If I want to finish this book, I have to stop fucking up. I have too much to lose right now.
Gawd, I'm so torn. Like always.
Any advice?

3 comments:

Deadbeaten said...

You will get back on track...I know you will. I'm counting on you to finish your book, too..because I can't wait to read it. I think you are so lucky to live in Hawaii. Do you ever see Dog and his posse driving around trying to bust people?

Noah said...

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Sarah Budwieser said...

Do what you have to do, I'm not going anywhere...........