Friday, December 26, 2008

Its finally over. No more reason to be jolly. Soon it will be 2009, and soon I will be 26 years old. Feb. 2nd is my birthday. Yes, I was born on Groundhogs day, and yes, I've seen the movie. I like the movie alot, as Bill Murrary is one of my Favoirite comedic actors.
Christmas eve I spent in a mall with my father rushing around buying my mother and father gifts. I got my dad a watch from Fossil, my mom a necklace that says, " Live, Laugh, Love". She's obsesed with that mado. You know what I mean, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money. We've all herd it, and yes life should be lived like that. I try to, but since what I love everyone...including the goverment says I'm not allowed to be with. Without my love, I can't dance, and I definatly cannot work. Well I do work, on my book, and too me that is my job, career. I am a writer. A shitty writer, but no the less a writer. Whenever someone asks me what my job is or where I work, I used to struggle with how to answer them. Oh yeah, well I'm an unemployed Heroin addict. Now I just answer I'm an unpublished writer. I'm an artist whom very few, or more likely no one appreciates. LOL!
Now I love it when people ask me what I do. I like to see the shock in their eyes. Sort of like, "yeah unpublished, and you'll stay that way. Fool."
Wow, did I get distracted. This post was suppose to be about what my Xmas was like, but instead, I went of on a pointless tangit about my occupaiton or lack there of.
Anyway, my dad got my mom a digital camera, and my mom got my dad a very expensive shirt and shorts. I'd be mortified to wear something that cost so much. In my youth I was concerned with the brand of my clothes, but after 8th grade and when I began to read poetry, and write shitty poetry, I stopped caring about those labels. My dad tho, he still cares. He likes to go out to the bar, and ooze money. He wants his clothes and watch to scream, "I'm rich, come talk to me beautiful young women." I cringe thinking about my father at a bar hitting on young women.
They say women marry men like their fathers. Gawd no, I would not be able to stand someone like my dad. Every guy I have ever dated was the exact oppisate of my dad. Don't me wrong my dad is the best dad, or he tries his best, and he's funny, but he's way to caught up in the frivolus things in life.
Anyway...
Christmas morning, I brought out all the gifts, and gave my mom and dad both of their gifts. Then I got mine... A 300 gift card to Old Navy, and a bike. I was very excited about the bike. I've been wanting one for sometime. Getting around Hononlulu is much easier on a bike. My bike has pedal breaks, like when you were a kid and on your first bike, to hit the brakes you pedal backwards. That will take a bit of getting used to. I got a basket for the bike too, so Eleanor Rigby can ride with me. Just call me Dorothy. Get it...Wizard of OZ. Fuck OZ, I'd stay in the poppy field. Again I digress.
So this morning I woke up, and only had one Xanx bar left. OMG, I had to go downtown and get more. So thats what I did. I took my parents car to the methadone clinic by myself, and stopped in China Town to pick up, but of course no-one was holding. I lucked out and came across some guy who had five bars, and I bought that to tide me over till tomorrow. I was looking to make a big buy, so I don't have to go down their every other fucking day. I have money left over from Xmas gift buying. MY welfare is cut off for the month of January, so I'm gonna be hurting for pills. Which is going to suck. Why did I bother to get a second habit. I'm such an idiot. I'd rather get off the methadone, and use Heroin everyday, I want to feel that warm childlike feeling again. The Xanax doesn't do that for me. The Xanax is just my obsession with pills, and my need to take something to make myself feel like I have some control over my addiction. When I get off the methadone, I'm sure getting of the Xanax will be easy enough.
This blog is so fucking dumb.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why don't you have a ..paying job? are you just lazy and want welfare? You should be reported so they stop giving you free money.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Anonynous I am lazy, but I also have a serious mental illness, and working with this Mental Illness is impossiabele. I'm a writer, just because I do what I love, and don't get paid for it, and you do what you hate, and get paid for it, doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.
BTW, My welfare is getting cut off for the month of January because I failed to get the correct paperwork in on time. I was getting Welfare and foodstamps for drug addiction...in Hawaii drug addiction is considered a disabilty, but starting Febuary, I will be getting money for my Rapid Cycle Bi Polar, and when I get manic I hear voices, that tell me to do things, you couldn't imagine. To me those voice are as real as the couch I'm sitting on. Maybe you could look up Bi polar, and learn more about it. I'm also applying for SSI, and SSD. This way I can live, with a roof over my head, and food for my gullet, all the while I can write. I can write, my memoir, and the next memoir I have in my head, and after that I want to write a fiction Novel.
Anonymous, I appoligize for pissing you off. I wish you would have posted this comment so I could see who you are. Why hide behind anonymous? I would like to read your profile, and see why you judge me so harshly.
I judge myself harshly, and your right, I am worthless, but my work isn't. I live to writ, even if my writing is shitty, I still live to write it.
Hate me if you want, its not hurting me any. If you did report me, unfourtnatly all the phsyc hospitals I have been in for suicid attempts, and for pschcotic breaks, along with my numours elvaluations by numours physc doctors, and all have come to the same conclusion. I'm sorry that I cannot function in society, the way it is now. Unless you'd like me to live on the streets, and not do a single constrctive thing. At least I do construcive things. Manily writing, and helping animals.
If this is Charlie, dude get the fuck over it. I sould report you, Ice head. I thought we had move past all this shit. I have been avoiding you as you asked, and well no you suddenly are angry that my blog post said somthing you took such offence to.
Whatever, enought said. I am a loser, and worthless, thank for reinforcing it. Anonymous.

AnnaGrace said...

To everyone who reads the response I made to anonymous, its me Anna Grace...I just clicked anonymous to mock the first commenter.

I like to hear comments like to one Anonymous wrote, but I wish people had the guts to voice their opinions in thier own name/or screen name at least.

If the person who left a comment and knows me, and is hoping that posting in anonymously that I might take it more to heart, well your wrong, if I new who you are, I'd take it more to heart. Being anonymous to me make you a coward. Sorry to say it so harshly, but its how I feel. I've never commented on someone's blog anonymously, not matter if the comment was postive of negative. I still put my name behind it.
Anyway...
Anonymous I hope you keep writing comments on my blog. I like to hear the negative feed back, as you can tell it give me reason to comment back, and try to defend myself. LOL. Gosh I make myself giggle.
With love anonymous,
Anna Grace

sydney_savage said...

Totally agreed on the Anonymouse bit girl. Grrrr all this anonymous shit that has been going areound lately is just plain dumb.

Anonymous said...

Your writing sucks, and I LOVE my job! thanks for tryin ;)

Gledwood said...

darling just ignore her (why do i think it's a her?) i'm in a similar situation. don't let anyone guilt-trip you for being sick. depression shovels enough guilt of its own on top of ya

take care ;->...

Noah said...

ack! Those benzos are the devils own to kick. They give me the damn heebie jeebies. Hope things are alright with you.

AnnaGrace said...

LOL anonymous, no shit my writing sucks.
Why don't you go to your job, and feed your ugly stupid kids. LOL!
Wait you probably don't have kids, and are working at some shitty company who is sucking your soul out. Thats why you read this blog when you hate it so fucking much.
Your probably really ugly too. Hey so am I. Lets shave our heads.
Keep em comming Anonymous. Love hearing from you.
Can't wait until you show your real idenity. Hmmm I wonder if I can find someone to trace this back crazy charlie.