Sunday, January 11, 2009

I just don't know!!!

What to write about. Hmmm……… I guess I could detail my day to day life, but no I don’t really feel like doing that. I could tell a story about one of my wild and crazy nights. Fuck that. I could rant and rave about some bullshit, but still that would not full fill me.
Then I thought about this doozy. I am a female. I have estrogen being secreted from my sexual organs. I am sexually attracted to both men and women. I find something completely irristiable about a man who is way too skinny, with a sharp defined jaw line. Eyes that pierce your soul when they lay their gaze upon you. Quiet, shy, smart, self hating, heroin using, men. there is this one man who is no longer alive, that I think was the only man that will ever touch me the way he did. I don’t mean physically touch, I mean mentally, and spiritually. I’m really not a spiritual person, but at times I ask myself the big question. You know the one, we all ask it at some point in our lives. “The why are we here” question. What the fuck is the point? Why is our brain wired to ask this fucking question? Okay now I’m moving in a totally different direction than the whole female thing I started on, but follow along.
Have we gotten too advanced for our own good. We no longer have to struggle to survive. We have our food just handed to us. We have our homes built for us, and our fires lite for us. Most of our lives are spent making “things” or “products” that make our lives easier. Example, millions of people working at factory jobs they hate, just to buy their family the newest product to make their lives easier. How fucking easy are we suppose to have it? Is the reason we are all so fucking depressed because our lives are being made so easy? Then there are the rich folks who work their way to top making money, by either entertaining our bored society, or making our society’s life simpler, easier. When people who are poor get rich, they believe that they will be happy and satisfied for the rest of their long lives, only to find out that money doesn’t buy happiness.
The best things in life are free. We’ve herd it before, and some people actually get it. The best things in life are free. Falling in love…free. Spending time with a funny friend…free. Watching your offspring grow…free. Still it is so ingrained in us that money and things will make us happy, that we take all those little things so for granted, and work our asses off for the almighty dollar that we waste our lives getting rich people richer, and making poor people poorer.
There is no cure for this. Ever since the industrial revolution, we have become an entire different creature. We have become like ants. We work to make the powerful more powerful, only so the powerful can give us just enough to survive on, and give us just enough hope that maybe someday we will be one of the powerful ones. I can’t deny it, I have it in me too. If I had enough money to just be on my own, and travel around writing, loving, using drugs…then I’d be happy. Right? WRONG!
Our minds are at a point where we can either destroy ourselves or we can regain what it was we had at the beginning. When we had to literally kill and grow our own food to survive. Were we work for ourselves. Making our families, and communities strong. By not denying ourselves our most basic instincts. Sex… another long suppressed instinct that is causing more harm than good. Religion causing more harm than good.
I have no answers, I have no ideas how to fix these things. My IQ is 110. All I can do is point out the problem. I can see the problem. I can see my problem. My life is way to simple. I make it more complicated by acting out, using drugs, being depressed….I could go on and on. What I need to do is make my life harder. I need to go out into the wilderness without creature comforts, and live as humans did for thousands of years. Perhaps I should join a commune, and live in the community, do the work for myself. Still someone is going to be the leader and everyone else is going to follow.
I can’t stand this. Seeing the problem and not knowing how to fix it. Its like a rubix cube for me. I just can’t solve it. No matter what angle I look at it, it seems impossible for me to solve. I get so frustrated that I just want to end my life. Nothingness would be better than this constant struggle within. Should I cave in and get a job to make the rich, richer, and poor, poorer. Should I just drop out of society, and live life as a recluse in the woods, living off the land? Should I join a commune and become a leader, and have others follow me.
Obviously there is something about power that gives human’s the illusion of fulfillment. Power… I can’t lead people. I can’t even lead myself. I have no idea where I’m going, and really I don’t want to. I have no idea what I’m doing, and really I don’t want to. I have no idea what I’m trying to say, and I don’t want to.
Wait… on second thought yes I do want to know. I want to know everything. Someone teach me. Show me how to understand. Give me the knowledge, give me the key. I was conceived, I was born, I was raised, I am here, and I have life. Now tell me what I should do with it. Am I doing what I’m suppose to? Is this what the universe wants me to be…to do? Sitting here in a tropical paradise, writing words asking a bunch of people who I don’t know what the meaning of life is. When I started this blog I wanted to write about women wanting to be saved. Is that the purpose, are we all looking for someone to save us? Is this why Jesus appeals to so many? Is this why all religions appeal to so many. Is their life after death? Is their soul mates? If our consciousness is made up of energy, then what happens to our consciousness after we die? Does it die with us? If energy is neither created nor destroyed, then physically we never die. Right? I don’t shit about Physics, or quantum physics, or string theory, or anything. I know that my brain is firing electrical impulses and those impulses are causing me to ask these questions, and type these words, and love these people, and want these things.
Maybe a lobotomy is the answer. What is life, you can’t ask these questions because your frontal lobes don’t work right? Then are we like a tree. Just life without animation. I’m so fucking lost, an so fucking dumb.
I feel like a 5th grader. Just coming into my own, and wondering what its all about. Why can’t we just all be children? I just want my mommy’s tit, and my warm crib, and no questions in my mind about why on Earth am I on Earth. Thank you Heroin for doing this for me. If only for a few hours, you relieve me of the questions that haunt me, and my consciousness.
I’ve said enough, but really its never enough. I have so much to say, yet so little. Its all been said before. I am nothing new, or interesting. I am me, and that is all. I will keep on writing, and I will keep on reading. I will keep on learning, and when someone can explain to me in lamence terms why I’m here then I will be satisfied…I think. I think, therefore I am. Right?


Nellie said...

I totally hear you. I wish I could turn all that shit off in my head. The only thing that has ever made life make sense to me was the way I felt on H. For some reason, living high is just easier for me. It's not that I didn't think about those Q's anymore, they just seemed so simple. We're here for the experience, right? To make it or breake it? I think we keep coming back until we figure some essential truths out. I think one truth is that we get out what we put in. Another is that pain, physical and mental, is part of existence and we need to learn to accept that we won't really know why we are here ever, until we leave or turn to dust. I agree with you that life these days has strayed quite far from the ideal human existence; we place value in the wrong things and ignore our connection to each other and the planet.

Anonymous said...

Of course you don't know. That is not something to fear, it is something to embrace. You don't know, your mother did not know and her mother before that did not know. Listen. I would never tell anyone not to do drugs, just understand that doing drugs has never ever solved any real problem. Drugs may not be a problem for you, but they are not the answer the problems you may have. I don't know where the answer is. It may be in a book, a field, it may be in you, it may have been given to you by some skinny guy you used to care about or some guy you never cared about. the answer will present itself when you are ready to hear it.

love from wisco

Gledwood said...

I think the meaningfulness of life question comes down to the Pleasure Principle... when we enjoy things they seem meaningful; when we don't they're meaningless and that's when life's such an incredible drag...