Monday, February 9, 2009

Am I letting him walk all over me. I don't love him, but he is my friend, and he is in need.

Right now I'm at the VA hospital with my father. He is going into see the Dentist to get a cleaning, and one filling. I figure I'm going to be here for a while, so I decided to bring the laptop. I don't have much battery left, so I'm might not have long to write this blog.

I've pretty much given up on my Myspace blog, because every time I write a in depth blog, and go to post the blog, and it is deleted, because of Myspace error, so I guess blogger reader's lucked out because myspace technical difficulties have sent me here to blog more often.

This morning, I when I woke up, I went to look thru my benzo collection, to see how much I had left. As I've written before, there is a drought with benzo's because first because, its the beginning of the month, and all us addicts get our welfare, and buy the sellers out, and second the mall where the sellers usually are, is hot.

When I counted that I only had at most six days worth of benzos. Which could be worse, but it could be better. I have no idea when the drought will be over, and Xanax will be back on the Market.

So today, my dad didn't want to drive me to the clinic, so I drove myself. I of course drove thru China Town to see if I could find a good parking spot to see if anyone was around holding. No parking, so I went straight to the clinic. I walk in the clinic, and Jake was sitting there. He was benzo sick, and looking very depressed. As always I have a soft spot for Jake, and all addicts in general. I asked Jake what was wrong, and he said, "Oh, nothing, I just want to get off this Methadone, and it feels like I'll never be able to do it."
I didn't say anything back, I just looked at him, and my looks said I know honey, I know! I waited for a few minutes to get my dose, and then I told Jake I'd give him a ride to the bus stop. When we got in the car, I asked Jake if he had any money. He said he didn't. Which I'm not sure if its true or not, but I said lets stop at the food court at the Pineapple factory, and I'd get him some money out of the ATM. I got 60 dollars out, and gave Jake 20. ( I felt bad, because Jake was benzo sick, and I had bought all his benzo off him the other day. So in reality I'm the reason he was benzo sick. After I got the money out, I told Jake I'd drive him to the Mall. So I did, and I parked in a parking lot that cost five bucks per hour. I had to be home by 11am because my dad had a Dentist appointment, so I had to make this fast. I had decided to just go in the mall and see if by chance anyone was holding. No one had Xanax, but I just happened to come at the right time to buy some Valium, 10mgs. Which I bought 20 of, which cost me 40 dollars. I gave Jake two, and some other lady one, because she's helped me out before.
So I came home, with 17 10mg generic Valium which is called Diazepam. I paid 2 dollars a piece for, which I should have only paid 1 dollar a piece for, but if I would have paid 1 dollar, the middle person, who is my usual person I go to wouldn't have made any money off the deal. So now I have...I hope, knock on wood, enough benzo's to get me thru this drought.

I don't know why I gave Jake 20 dollars, and two of my Valium. Although on our way to the mall, in the car, we were talking about how hard it is to get off Methadone, and Jake was feeling really caught. He wants to be able to get high off a shot of H, and not have to pay a hundred dollars just to get high, or even more. Jake, was feeling like there is no way out of the situation he is in. Homeless, working, and for cash on boats, and sleeping on those boats, and using anything and everything to keep the depression from getting the best of him. Then he said, " I'm thinking of getting a revolver, and get off the dope that way. I don't have any kids, and I'm pretty much dead to my parents, so the revolver would be a good way to stop using."
I looked at him, and I said, "you mean suicide". In his sentence he never used the word suicide or killing himself, he just looked at it as means to stop using. Stop the methadone, which blocks him from feeling the Heroin, which would make him happy for at least a little while.

I totally know exactly what Jake is feeling. I feel that way almost everyday. Then Jake says, " I would like go back to the Main Land, but I'll never be able to gather enough money to get there."
I told Jake, about my plans to move to Olympia, and he looked at me, and says, that's where I want to go too, he said he has friends up there.

I would love to help Jake out of the situation he is in right now. He's stuck in a box, and he can't get out. I thought about offering him to come with me in Sept, but then I thought again, and said to myself, "I have to take care of myself, and Jake...Jake, need a lot of taking care of more than I do. I couldn't have him living with me, as friends, because we'd end up using together, and I'd never accomplish my goals. I want to see Jake happy, and see him accomplish his goals.

It's just too much. I'd be willing to fly to Washington with him, get him out of Hawaii, and then we'd go out separate ways. Him getting off the methadone, and me getting off the methadone, and work on making myself a better writer.

I'm not in love with Jake, its just I relate to him. IN every way. I feel like when I help him, I'm helping myself. I gave him money which I guess if I look at this way...less money for me to spend on benzos, and in turn it is helping me. Its hurting Jake tho. I hope that Jake will take the two Valium, get well, and spend that twenty bucks on something other than drugs. Maybe he'd get a good dinner, or save the money for when he really need sit. Still us junkies are all about instant gratification, and that money is going to burn a hole in his pocket. He will buy something sweet, to satisfy his opiate sweet tooth, and then he'll go out, and buy something to stop the depression he's in for at least a few hours.

did I do the wrong thing. Money...the root of all evil.

I help people, even if I hate most people, because its the right thing to do. No matter how down and out that person is, no matter if he is wasting his life, or if he is mental unstable. They are all human, and that could anyone of us someday.

We could all think that will never happen to me, I better than that, but in reality you never know. I hope it never happens to you.
I'm lucky to have such great parents. Such a loving family. I'm lucky in many ways. I'm thankful, and Will always be thankful for everything good in my life.
I got to go, some bitch is snoring next to me, in the waiting room.

1 comment:

Gledwood said...

happy and accomplishing goals...

do you know I recognized something a few years ago after daily using for a long time: I had almost totally given up on daydreaming... something I used to do all the time and now it's gone

no wonder life seems so empty now...