Thursday, February 5, 2009

Envy

I hate facebook. Its not like myspace, where you make your profile, and can tell about yourself, and write blogs, and yadi, yadi, yada. Facebook, is a place for people who can maintain close friendships, relationships with people, and they can leave comments about whats going on in there life, or where they are going to meet tonight and get drunk, or carpool.

Really, I was just on Facebook, because I'm still getting a bunch of happy birthdays, and I got one from a girl I went to highschool with. Her name is Ashley G. Ashley is beautiful, thin, smart, popular, happy, hardworking, able to maintain healthy relationships with other human beings.

Ashley had left me a happy belated birthday message, and I decided to go look at her photos. She has something like 200. In every photo, with or without makeup she is so beautiful. She has perfect teeth, big blue eyes, pout lips, and she is always surrounded by friends, and her boyfriend. The photos with her and her boyfriend she is kissing him on the cheek, or lips, or they are cuddled together. She looks so perfect, she looks so happy, and successful. Did I mention that she went to school for broadcasting, journalism, and she now works at television station, or new station. I'm sure she will someday be on air talent.

In highschool, Ashley was the sweetest girl, popular, athletic, funny, and dateing the funniest guy in school...Clayton. Her relationship with Clayton wasn't a perfect relationship, Clayton was possessive, and jealous. He one ran her off the road while chasing her in his truck, and he once slashed her tires. I'm sure their fights were drop down drag out fights. So love goes, if you love someone its hard to walk away from it. Even if the relationship isn't healthy. Then Ashley went away to College, and Clayton got a good job at a trucking company. The dated for awhile while she was away at college, on and off, but eventually they parted ways for good. I think Ashley will always be Clayton's "one that got away".

Envy...one of the seven deadly sins. I have two best friends that after highschool became successful, and are still thin, and drop dead beautiful. Kaycee and Katrina. I keep intouch with Kaycee more, thru myspace. Katrina is very busy, she works alot, and she party's alot, but I love both so very much. Ashley was friends with both Kaycee and Katrina too. In highschool I was a floater, I just hung out with whichever group liked the same music as me, and liked to escape from reality with drugs and alcohol as much as me. I ended up getting into a relationship with a older guy, and really I stopped hanging around with anybody else. I'm like that, I always have one person I'm close to, and whom ever that person is, its just me and that person. We rarely let other people into our friendship, and before I was on drugs, I wanted to hang out with others. I wanted to party, get it out of system. I wanted to be in a band, and be cool. Instead, I let the relationship stay more important than my social life. I was afraid of being alone.

When I would go to parties, I was always the odd man out. I'd say hi to people, but everyone would go off in their groups, and I didn't have a group to go off into. I felt left out, and unwanted. I wasn't funny enough, or pretty enough, etc...
If a guy paid any kind of attention to me, I was floored, and of course fell in love right away. Afraid that no one else would fall for me again. My first boyfriend reinforced this in me. Always telling me I was nothing without him, and all that shit. When I ended up leaving him five years later, he was devastated. I found Pete, who was everything I wanted. A guy in a band, dirty, his taste in music was totally Midwest death metal cliche'. My first boyfriend like the same cliche' music, but Pete was into more obscure music, and his taste was more eclectic than my first boyfriends. Last time I saw my first boyfriend, it had been like 5 years since we broke up, and he told me he was still in love with me. Now when I think back on him, I'm totally disgusted that I ever went out with him. He was a lowlife redneck. Lowlife is a bit harsh, but he wasn't going anywhere in life. He couldn't hold down a job, and he killed deer. I told myself I'd never date another man who hunts, unless he was hunting to feed his family because we lived in the woods far away from civilization.

Now, I'm 26, and single. I've gone thru two long relationships with men who had as poor a work ethic as I do. Me and Pete, well we worked, because we had too. We had to pay rent, and buy food, and drugs. Pete and I loved watching movies. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, oh what a perfect movie. Its about falling in love, and then falling out of love. Then erasing your mind of the person you loved so it didn't hurt so much after the break up, but in the end the happen across each other again, and fall in love again.

Your probably asking, how I went from my jealously of Ashley G. to falling in love...with another human, and not a drug. Although the drug will always be my mistress. Right now I'm so not ready for love. I have to get the fuck out of this unhealthy living situation, and get away from my parents go to College, and get thin again. This will be hard for me. I'm a Heroin addict, and I'm on methadone. I'm afraid of living without the methadone, and relapsing, and throwing away any future books I have in me.
If I don't get out, I wont have any life, lived to take from to write about. My memoir is all about my adventures living out on my own, or with a boyfriend. Nothing interesting happens living with my parents. Yes, Kaycee, this is because I've reverted back into a child like state. Letting my parents take care of me, and enabling me to do nothing. The best thing they could do for me is to make me leave. When I get accepted into a community college out of State, they should just let me go. I'd still call them everyday, and visit home for the holidays, and they could come visit me. I just have to get back out on my own. I have to convince them, that just because they let Angie live alone so young, 19 she was, when they left the house to her, and she threw beer parties, and one night she got drunk and drove, and ended up dieng. Now my parents are literally terrified of letting me go. They want me in the same state at least, but I need to get out of the same state as them. I need to live my life. Maybe study abroad in the UK. Maybe find someone to love. There is so much shit I'm missing out on right now, trying to keep my parents happy, and keeping them from worrying, that if it keeps going this way, I'm going to have missed out on life. I'll start having to write fiction. OMG, and have an imagination. I do have an active imagination, but to put it in order and write it out, and then make a book out of it, seems too daunting. Just writing a memoir, of my life as a drug addict is/was daunting. Getting everything organized in my mind, and finding the words to convey the way I felt, and the things I experienced was hard enough. I totally need a bigger vocab. I have a pretty good vocab, compared to the average person, at least I think. To the average person who went to highschool at Oconto Falls highschool. This is not a dig at Kaycee, Katrina, or Ashley, but at all the rednecks who quite highschool sophomore year. Alot of kids in my class didn't graduate. The drop out rate in my old highschool was above the national average. I'm not sure where it ranks now.

I don't want to blame my parents for anything. I love them dearly, and know they brought me up the best they could. They loved me more than anyone could ever love another person. They always got me what I asked for, my dad especially. Its just they never really taught me how to live in the real world by myself. How to pay bills, save money, leave the nest. I try to break away, and all hell breaks loose, and I'm guilted, or pushed into doing, moving, going, living, someplace I don't want to. Going out on my own, tho, I could do if I just had work ethic, but with only a highschool education, I'd have to work at a job I hated, to make money to live. So to go out on my own, I'd need help from my parents. Like rent payed, and utilities payed until I got grants and loans. Which they could help me with. My parents make good money, but they don't know the meaning of saving money. If they have the money they spend the money. No one ever set up a college fund for us. Well actually when my papa killed himself in his will he left all us grand kids 4 thousand dollars for when we turned 18. Which instead of investing in school, I bought a car with. Now that car is being driven by my uncle. I had to ditch it when I was running from legal problems.

Anyway...point is, looking at Ashley's facebook photos, makes me so envious, it all comes so easy to her, and here I am. It all so not easy for me, or maybe it is, but I'm making it hard for myself. One thing is for sure, Ashley was, and is alot smarted than I am. She's making her dreams come true, because she understands that to achieve anything you have to put effort into it, and work hard, as hard as you possible can, because it not going to be handed to you. That's for sure.

My next post might be about my secret. I'm ashamed of this secret, but I like Sex and the City, even tho it about consumerism, that they don't need. How pretty all the actresses are, and thin, how perfect their lives are, even tho they have trouble in the love department, which is one of the problems I too have.

5 comments:

Noah said...

Lots of rednecks around here try to prove they are real men by killing defenseless little deer with semi-automatic rifles and then they drive around in big trucks with the dead deer hanging out the back...it makes me sick. They hang them up in their yards and pull the guts out and skin them. Big Men. Let them hunt with a knife or a spear and see how many deer they bring home. I am not totally against guns, I own a Ruger .357 pistol for home protection(when it is not in the pawn shop) but using assault rifles for killing deer is not a manly thing. It's rather pathetic and is just wrong in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

there are times when you write like you're on fire. you need to stop being worried about your face and your place. you need to write.
=antigo

Anonymous said...

I really hate people who hunt for sport. I think that, if a hunter wants to hunt for sport, then he should find suicidal people, and tell them that if he let him, hunt the suicidal guy, he would pay his family 10,000 dollars. Hunting humans who are will participants. Also I think the sucicidal guy should also have a gun, and hunt the hunter. Now that is a sport.

In no way am I saying serial killers who hunt their pray(usually a defensless woman) in the woods, is right. The woman didn't sign up fof the hunthing. All participants have to be willing, and have to be willing to die for the game.

Only kill animals when you have to for survial.
Plus they way they treat cattle in this contry is crul. Those famers treat living bovine, as if they are nothing more than food, or milk. They should treat the bovine with dignity. Bovine feel pain, and fear, and happiness, and contentment. Yet on the average farm they are treated like pieces of shit the farmer just shit out of his anus. Animals deserve as much respect, and dignity.

Maybe I'm going too far, but how a society treats it animals shows how evolved we are as a caring society. There is some quote somewhere that says this much better than I can.

I also think gun control is neccassay. Legalize drugs, criminalize guns, and see if crime drps dramtically. Just test it, and see.

Anonymous said...

anyone who thinks even the average dairy farmer treats their cows bad has never been on a farm, knows no farmers, and probably cannot see the computer screen with head that far up their ass.

Anonymous said...

So you love your cows/bulls, and pet, and care for them. Give them space to run free on at least hundreds of acres, and don't force them onto carousels that go around while you put suction cups on all the cow teets. You don't feed them feed, that is part bovine meat, causing mad cow disease? Oh and slaughter houses, now that's humane. Cattle prods humane? If you had ten kids, would you put your wife on a carousel and put pumps on her tits, to get enough milk to keep the kids nourished. Then when that cow of a mom because baron, and no longer gives milk, you bring her to the humane slaughter house?

What about chicken farmers, now tell me those farms are humane...

I did go a little to far with hunting humans, and no I haven't been on a farm in over 15 years, but I've seen how farm hands treat the animals, and it surely is NOT humane.