Thursday, February 26, 2009

Here I come Capitol Hill Seattle...Eleanor guilt!

Well...I've gotten the application for Central Seattle Community College, where I will go for two years, until I can transfer to a four college and get an actual degree in English Lit, which of course Seattle Central offers classes on, and now all I have to do is send in the application, which doesn't even require a essay, but plan on writing one anyway, to make up for the classes in High School I was suppose to take, but got the easy way out because I had a learning disability in Math.

Fuck, do I regret graduating highschool by the hair of my teeth. I should have worked harder, and drank less. I should have stayed away from by 20 year old boyfriend, when I was 15. YUCK! Oh God, do I make bad choices.

Another bad choice, Capitol Hill Seattle is a Heroin mecca. I'm going to be off the Methadone when I get to Seattle, and my mom is going to live in Washington for three months to get me settled, and then its just me.

Truthfully, I feel like a 18 year old leaving home for the first time. I'm 26, and when I was 17 I moved out of my parents house, and into my boyfriend's place. Which was 60 miles away. I could always drive home if things got too bad. Then my parents moved to Michigan, and that was a 4 hour drive, but still doable. Now I'm going to be thousands of miles away from my home state.

Pulse I'm struggling what to do with Eleanor. I've been a horrible mom to her. I've been a junky mom, pawning her off on my parents when I was homeless. Now that me, mom, and dad all live together, and my mom is the only one with a job, Eleanor is very used to never ever being alone. Even when we go shopping we take her in her bag(s, yes we have more than one doggy bag) with us, even to the movies. There is no way I could bring her to school with me. Also Eleanor will only let five people pick her up, and pet her, me, mom, dad, my aunt Debbie, and my Ex Peter. So when I get to Washington, and move in with room mates, Eleanor is going feel very uncomfortable. I feel like the right thing to do for Elle is to let my parents take her. Since in Wisconsin both my mom and dad will be retired, and my mom loves Elle as much as I do, and Elle loves my dad as much I love Elle. The only things she would miss is me, and at least she would be in familiar surroundings in Wisconsin, and with familiar people all day.

It will be hard on me tho. Eleanor is one of the major reason's I don't want to be a totally strung out junky ever again. ( well I do want to again someday when I can afford it) Last time I was without Elle for six months, I would sleep with her picture, call my dad ever day, and ask him how she was doing. I cried myself to sleep for the first four months. If I got drunk all I did was cry about my dog. This is going to sound stupid to people who actually have children, but leaving Eleanor behind with my parents, seems like I'm leaving a child behind. I've been with Elle since she was a pup, and the longest we have separated was six months.

At least for the first three months in Settle when my mom is there, and we are looking for place for me to live. (my mom is taking a traveling nurse job in Central Seattle for three months for me) Eleanor will be with me and mom for those three months. Maybe I can find a roommate, who works second shift, so she/he, will be home during the day while I'm at school, and then I can be home with her at night. Eleanor would need to take at least a month to trust the room mate. The dog is 4 lbs, she has to be weary of whom she allows to take care of her. She's fragile, very fragile. I love her more than I love myself.

Separation anxiety.

Oh yeah, even if I don't get accepted to the community college, which if I don't proves I'm the most stupid person ever, I will still be moving to Seattle. I'll apply at the four other community colleges in the Seattle area. I guess I could also apply at a four year college, but really...your reading this...there is no way I'd get in to a Four year University. I'll be 29, by the time I get into a four year school. I'll be 33 when I graduate University College, and if I go on to graduate school, I'll be fucking 90 before I am able to write a good literary book. Until then I'll keep pounding out these armature memoirs, and novels.

At least I have a plan. I feel so much better when I have a plan. My mind doesn't feel so scattered, and worried that I'm gonna fuck up, and end up somewhere I don't belong. Somewhere I will....?

If Sarah is reading this, I hope to see you in Seattle, I'll put SOS on my roof for you.

Sorry I couldn't talk to you. Elle has fleas...gross. So I brought her to the vet, and then me and mom bombed the house, and washed every piece of bedding in the house, washed her bed, and sprayed this shit that kills eggs, and full grown fleas. Also her anal glands were full, so she needed her anal glands expressed. The things I do for that 4lb doggy.

My mom told me that you tried to IM me, and that she told you I'd be back in an hour, but when I got back, all I wanted was to get rid of the fleas that had infested my dog, and the house. No more letting Eleanor roll around in dead animals, and no more letting her hang around dirty dogs. She hates other dogs anyway, so that shouldn't be too hard.

Okay, enough.

I'm using too much Xanax again. I gotta ween myself off to two to four milligrams a day. Son of bitch. Motherfucker. Where the fuck is my will power?


Gledwood said...

I've heard the heroin in New York is best of all so go there if you want to use. Also the shopping in New York is best of all if you're straight, so go there if you intend not to use. Also the shopLIFTING in New York is very good, though if London's anything to go by, shops in big cities are ultra securitied up... hey Anna Grace come to New York City anyway. I know Seattle is amazing but it reminds me of Frasier and Starbucks too much ;->...
Ok forgive my flippancy ... I hope you will be happy on leaving home. I was miserable when I went so uni. It was so bad I flunked it and dropped out. You have an advantage over me in at least you're facing up to your probs BEFORE you go, this should put you at a major advantage...
All the best for the gleaming bright future!!


sydney_savage said...

Yo uare going to be SO close to me. I love Seattle. Wouldn't live anywhere else... and I've been to NYC, London etc...

You will love it. It'sa very active city, and absolutely gorgeous.

Anna Grace said...

I can't belive that when you people google Seattle Heroin
Capitol Hill you get my blog. Thats bullshit. I never even made it Seattle. Not to live, not to visit, not to anything.
I'm off Heroin, and Methadone, and on Suboxone. Wikapeda that. I stopped the Methadone because it made me fat, and the suboxone isn't so sedative...unfortantly. I liked being numb to all emotions. Heroin is the best drug of them all.