Monday, February 23, 2009

Its high time I blogged again.

I'm sorry Anna Grace, but your not going to America's Next Top Model. "Really, why can't I". "Duh Anna Grace, you eat too many candy bars, and don't workout hard enought, and burn off enough calories, so your fat, and well your face isn't exactly perfect. Plus your 26 years old."

Oh God, when I was younger, I'm talking like 6 or 7 years old, I wanted to be a model, actress. Then puberty hit, and well I was not an actractive 12-15 year old. I had to grow into my looks. I never became a drop dead beauty, but at least I didn't become a downright ugly person. At about 13 I became anit model actress. I was too cool for that. I'm all about being an outcast, and getting drunk, and escaping reality. I used pot, but of course I was allergic to something in the plant, and I ended up having a really bad allergic reaction, but of course I had to try it like for more times to make sure pot was not the drug for me. So I resorted to drinking. I was always had low selfesteem, and when I was drunk I was this beautiful, funny, WHORE. Then drinking the drinking started to make me feel jealous of other girls, and since alcohol is an depressant, it would often make me sad. I would get drunk, and start to think about all the things that were going wrong, and I'd get so sad, that I didn't want to live. Hence the at least 13 suicide attempts while drunk. I'd rather call them cries for help. Since the guy I was dating was a drunk, he didn't get the cries for help I, and just made it worst.

So graduation came, and I planned on moving out to Californa. I even packed up my car, and took all the money from my graduation party, and drove, and drove. I had a newer car, from money my grandpa left me after his suicide, that I couldn't get until I was 18. Of course instead of putting it towards school I bought a car that could get me from point A to point B. I never really cared what kind of car I drove, as long as it got good gas milage, and was safe. My trip to California was ended in Arizoina. All those hours by myself in the car, thinking, and thinking, and the hotels I stayed at by myself, where I just thought and thought. What the fuck do I want to do. I realized that I didn't want to go to Californa. I called my parents and they bought me a plane ticket home, and rented a tow truck to bring my car back. So I came back, and lived with my parents. My parents then decided that they had enough money to retire. They moved up to Northren Michigan, and built a Cabin. While the Cabin was being bulit, Angie my sister was still in Highschool. She was a senior. Our house in Wisconsin was a house hold without parents. I would drive back and forth from Michigan and Wisconsin, to get my dads Oxycontins, and Percocets. My sister was much more popular than I was, and a lot more social than I was, and she would throw parties, and I would lock the door to my room, and get high. In the morning I didn't have a hangover, but my sister did, because she was in the drinking mode I went thru when I was a senior two years before. The difrence between my senior year and Angie's was I had my parents around, and Angie was living alone. Not paying bills, working two jobs, and living like an adult. Throwing parties on the weekend at our house in Wisconsin. My parents had the house on the market, but it wasn't selling.
Then when I was 20, I went a freinds wedding, and met her brother for the second time. He was a smart, funny, attractive guy, and major plus he had been in a band, and lived the life style I wanted. Just fuck everyone, and do what I please. I admired Pete, and worshiped him. He had already done all the things I always wanted to do. He once hitch hicked across the US. One thing I always wanted to do, but since I was a girl it was a lot more dangrous for me. Plus by this time I was hooked on pain meds. I think I could have quit if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I turned Pete onto Opiates, and we bonded over pharmacuticals. That period of my life was one the best part of my adult life. I still had an intrest in normal things such having sex, and moving in with Pete.
Then one day, while Pete and I were up visting my parents in Michigan, Angie was suppose to come up the next day. The reason Pete and I left early was to get Oxy's. During the day when me and Pete go up to Michigan, my mom and dad took up for a hike, and we went up some ski hill up this elevator, and looked over the entire North woods all the way to Lake Supriour. Then we went out to eat dinner at a bar/supper club. Then we all went home, and me and Pete snorted a bunch of Oxy's and watched movies, and had sex. Then at 4am there was a knock at the door. It was the police. They asked if Dean Young lived here. I said, "Yes, I'll go get him". While walking up the stairs, I kept think what could my dad have done to have the cops come to our door at 4am. I told Pete to up to my room, and I went up their too. I was going to come down, and find out what happened after the police left. I was halfway to my room, and suddenly I herd my mother scream....my baby is dead. I dropped to the floor, and just started crying. I knew what happened. Angie was dead. It is a four hour drive from the cabin in Michigan to the house in Wisconsin. So we had to make alot of phone calls to family, and we had to all kinds of stuff. My parents were on the phone with the funeral home, and my dad cried. I couldn't stand to see my father hurt that bad. I just couldn't think. I sat outside and smoked ciggys, until my parents told me what to do. I was to drive my car to Wisconsin, and Pete was to drive my parents car behind me. My Aunt Debbie, and Uncle Dave where driving up to Michigan to pick up my parents.
My dad had wanted Angie's room cleaned out. He didn't want to come home to a room, knowing Angie would never be back. Pete started doing it, but I just couldn't let him do it. Me and Pete got to the house before anyone else. I could tell there was a party their the night before, but it was pretty clean. So someone herd the message on the answering machine at 2am from the hospital, so someone had been at our house after Angie left, and cleaned up the party stuff before we got their. I later found out it was a guy I went to highschool with, and his girlfriend. They were sleeping in my room screwing.
After about 20 mins of getting back to the house in Wisconsin, I called my cousin's Amanda and Brenda, who were both very close to Angie and I. Then one of my dad's aunts came over, and wanted us to wash Angie's laundry, but I wanted to keep it dirty, it was the only thing left with her smell on it. Suddenly there was 10-15 people at our house, and bringing food, and crying, and I was crying, and was pissed of, and wanted to know what happend. Three hours later my parents showed up, and my mom wanted to go see Angie's body. So Brenda, and Amanda and I along with mom went to the funeral home. They hadne't put any make up to cover the brusies and cuts, and my mom went in and said goodbye to Angie, and I couldn't bring myself to look. I dind't want to see my sister dead. Just hearing my mom and Brenda crying made me cry, and I had a head ache, and I was losing it. Then Angie's friends started comming over, and all kinds of people. That day seemed like the longest day of my life. Then the evening came, and people started to leave. My parents didn't have a bed in their rooom, because all their stuff was up in Michigan. I remember my mom was wraped in Angie's blanket, and her pillow, and I remember my dad kicked out his aunt who was being bossy, and telling him and mom what to do. She left, and then it was just me mom, dad, and Pete. My mom and dad both were taking the oxycontin, and they to this day say if it were not for the oxycontin they would not have made it thru it. They gave me some too. I didn't sleep that night, and Pete didn't know what to do or say. I had this preminsion that night, I wasn't asleep, but I was high, I saw Angie on a bar stool in the bar down the road I used to work at, and the bar was all dark, and she said something about mom and dad, and told me that they were going to hurt more than any hurt they have ever felt, and then I came to, and felt scared, and sad, and guilty and worried.
The next few days my parents planned the funeral, I picked out the casket, and helped with stuff, but I was in so much emotional pain, and I was taking oxy like candy. Snorting it, eating eat, just killing the pain. Pete stayed at our house thru it all, because I didn't want to be alone. I was sort of mad at him, because he diden't feel the pain. It was just a shock to him. He had only knowen Angie for a month and a half, and Angie didn't like him. I wanted Pete to hurt as much I did. I couldn't, so I just thru myself into my parents. Ignored pete, but let him stay so I didn't have to be alone with my parents. If Pete wasn't there I wasn't sure if my dad would have killed himself, or maybe me and mom too. All my dad wanted was to be with Angie. He was so worried about where she was, and if she was scared.
Then suddenly we are at the funeral. Me, mom and dad showed up earlier than everyone else so we could have time alone with her. Again, I couldn't bring myself to go into the vewing room, and see my sister's dead body. I stayed in the hallway, and went out to smoke, and then some lady came up to me, and my parents came up to me, and brought me in to see Angie. She looked like herself. She just looked asleep. I touched her, and she was cold, and I cried. There was a vido in the back playing photos of Angie from a baby to a few days before she died. They played that song my Sara Mclaclan, that Angel song, and they played all kinds of sad country songs, because my little siter like country music, and hair band rock and roll.
After about an hour, people started showing up, at first close family, then tons of people. Everyone she went to school with, everyone that went to school with me. tons and tons of people showed up, and the line to view the body was really long. After a while I couldn't cry anymore. I took more pills, and smoked more ciggys. I sat outside with some freinds, and talked about Angie. pete stood by my side the whole time. Except for when the viewing was over, and me, mom and dad were left alone with Angie for another hour to say goodbye, because after tomorrow, when she was buried we would never see her body again. My dad had them play Johnny Cash, because when Angie was little she would sing his songs. We all loved Johnny Cash.
We left the funeral home, and I don't rememver that part. I don't remember leaving. Suddenly we were home, and people were at our house, and then at dark everyone left, and it was just us again. There is no Angie. We will never see her again, after tomorrow at the church before they close the casket. Which when they closed the casket, me, my mom and dad got up and put a blanket over her like they were putting her to bed, my leaned over to give her one last kiss, and my mom too, and me too, and we cried loudly, everyone was crying loudly. Close family was escorted out of the room into another room while they closed the casket.
After the service we drove to the cemetary, and let out doves, and there were so many people their, but the three of us, got front fow seats. I set a flower on her casket, and so did mom and dad, and the priest said some dust to dust to stuff, and then it was over. We would never see her agian.
A week later the house in Wisconsin sold, and Pete and I were homeless. We could have went up to Michigan with my parents which we did for a week or two, but then my cousin Amanda let us move in with them. Suddenly I was going cold turkey from opiates. I had buried the pain of Angie dieing in pills, and now I dind't have pills. I was crazy with saddness. I got a job, Pete got a job, and then I attempted suicide and had to be put in a nut house for while. My mom and dad came to see me, and told me Amanda didn't want me and pete their anymore. Amanda had children to worry about, and so we had to find a cheap apartment. Which Pete and my dad did. My parents helped out with rent, and we moved all our worldy possensions in to my first apartment in my name. The first time lving alone with a boyfreind, adn his name was on the lease. I got a job at The Olive Garden, and Pete got a job in Construction, and it was around Xmas, our first without Angie. Since Angie died my parents have not put up a Christmass tree.
Angie died on July 19, 2003. Pete and I stayed in that apartment for about 10 months and quit our jobs and moved back up to Michgan. Where there was pills. We stayed there for a few months, and then we moved Appleton Wisconsin, with some of Pete's freinds. I found a connect to buy pills from, and then I got a job at another resturant, and met a girl with two brothers who had HIV, and where Heroin addicts, and were getting Dilauded aka Hospital Heroin. Me and Pete moved out of the house with roomates because one night I got drink and smashed every thing in the house. Every thing that belonged to my room mates. I still don't remember doing that. I stared drinking at like noon that day, and my friends Kaycce and Katrina came to my house for one of those dildo parties. I got so drunk during the party that I don't remember tha party. The next thing I remember is Katrina getting some coacain in me and got me to come out of my drunken stuppor. Then they reminded me of what I did.
God where my room mates pissed at me, they wanted to call the cops, but Katrina and Kaycee helped me clean it up before the roomate, a girl on was done with her shift at the bar, so when she got home she didn't see the mess.
The next day I woke up, and was too embarssed to go down staris.I knew everyone was pissed at me. They wanted me out, and a month later Pete and I moved out, and so did out other two roomates. I got Eleanor, and on Dec. 23rd, 2005, I shoot up dilauded for the first time. Right after a trip from New York. I was getting a good supply from the HIV postive guys, and I was giving them good business to sell their oxy's. I found that I like the Dilauded better, because it was easier to shoot up, and gave a better high. Plus I was getting them for cheaper than they sold the oxy's for. Only real junkys knew that 8mg dilauded were better than Oxycontin, so people paid more for the oxy's. I'm talking 1 dollar per milligram. I was getting them for 1 dollar for 5 mg. So I got them alot of business.
After I put that needle in my hand, I was in heaven. I was hooked, and in love. Then life got even more compicated, and it still is.
I gotta go. Nodding.
Sorry I blogged about my addiction again. I've been trying to blog about other shit, but I think about opiates too muhc. off to la la land, night.

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