Sunday, February 1, 2009

One more day, and....

Holy fuck, I'm going to be 26 years old tomorrow. Groundhogs day, and Anna Grace's birthday. I don't want anything big for my birthday. All I ask for is a pair of reading glasses. My eyesight is fine, actually I have very good eyesight, but now that I'm offically in my mid twenties, I want to look a bit more sophisticated. So I figured reading glasses, on a chain. You know what I mean right? Like the teachers in the fifties, with cat eye glasses hanging around their neck. That is what I want, although my glasses wont have a prescription in them, they will still represent something to me. I'm sure while I'm wearing them I'll always feel in the mood to read, and while reading become inspired to write.

Right now I'm not feeling at all inspired to write. I'm just board, and refuse to waste all time watching television. I just finished a book called "Medical Apartheid", about the dark history of Medical experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present. It is a very good read, one of those you can't put down. Its so repulsive, and horrid, that you have to read it. What we humans have done, and still do to each other is down right wrong. In the book, there is this on line that reads, "we doctors in those days, did not look at negro's as humans. They were Animals to us". I gaged when I read that. Just because the doctor's skin was white, and the patients skin was black, they rationalized the inhumanness of their experiments by calling black people animals.

What is wrong with us? Why are we so sure that people with white skin are superior to every other race? We should be considered the worst race, the way we treated, and still treat other ethnic groups is repulsive. Thank God, that Barack Obama won the election, and is now our president. A black man is the head of the most, or one of thee most powerful countries in the world. Hopefully this will send a message to the raciest asses who live in this country, and in other countries around the world.

If only we could stop racism and religious rivalry. Mohamed, Jesus...why oh why is there so much blood shed over who believes in the right "god", and who believes in the wrong "god"?

This book really stuck it to me. Every time my father makes a raciest remark, I'm going to slap his face. If I hear others using raciest remarks, I'm going to practice my own medical experiments on them. Although you can't fight hate with hate. To bad Ghandi isn't still alive. I've never watched the movie Ghandi. Perhaps I'll go to Diamond Head video rentals, and rent that movie. I've read a biography on Ghandi, but that was back in highschool, I need to refresh my memory. So I'm going to spend my birthday, reading a book about Ghandi with my fake reading glasses . Happy birthday to everyone else out there who's birthday I've missed, or is coming up, or is the same day as mine. Its just another day closer to death. I'm still dieing in the Sylvia Plath sense of the word.


Anonymous said...

I love how you have all these strong views on life and people and you're to afraid to go out on your own and actually live your own life. (outside the computer) How pathetic.

P.S Don't let what I say make you want to off yourself

AnnaGrace said...

Anonymous...your words would never ever throw me over the edge. I figure your pathetic, and well someone more pathetic than is not worth offing myself for.

Anonymous, I'm not at all afraid to go out on my own, and actually I have lived my own many time in my life. If you haven't read all my blogs, I'll clue you in. I want out. I want to move out of my parents home, and to go out on my own. The reason I don't is because my parents need me right now.

I have been on my own since I was 17. I've been homeless, I've had my own apartments, I've paid my own bills, and I've studied and studied all I could. I read books as many as possible because I thought I would never get into college.
Then when my sister died 5 years ago, my parents were devastated. I was all they had left, and I was a strung out junky, living my life the way I wanted to live it. I had a boyfriend, of 5 years, and we lived on our own, paid our bills, and took care of his son on the weekends. Everytime Pete(my ex boyfriend's) son came to our apartment to visit I would not use while he was there.
Pete ended up breaking up with me because I was strung out on Heroin. I needed help, and I went out and got in to an inpatient drug treatment facility...twice. Then I found the Methadone clinic. All this while living on my own. My parents where heart broken. I had pretty much severed all contact with them, I their only living child. You have no idea what kind of life I have led before I started blogging. You have no idea that I...even when strung out on drugs went to nursing homes, and played cards, and talked with elderly people who rarely had any visitors at all. I read them books, and listened to them talk about their families.

After I got on Methadone, and got stable, I realized how much I was hurting my parents by living like a gypsy junky. They begged me to move back in with them. I had no place else to go. They offered to pay for me to fly to Hawaii where my mom was working, and stay on the methadone. I ended up slipping, and using H again while in Hawaii, so my dad flew from Wisconsin to Hawaii, and brought me and my mom home to Wisconsin. From there I wanted to leave, and go back out on my own. My parents begged, and cried for me to stay with them. (I've only seen my dad cry twice, once at my sister's funeral when he gave her the last kiss he would ever be able to give her, and when I told my parents that I was going to New York city with no money, and I was going to become a writer.)
My parents knew the only way to keep from losing me again was to move out of Wisconsin, and to keep me on methadone. So here I am in Hawaii, working on retaking my ACT's and applying to as many college's in Washington State as I can, because by spring semester of 2010 I plan on becoming a returning adult student.
Oh, and darling, I do have a life outside of my computer. I love writing, no matter how much you may think I suck at it, I love doing it, and you saying shit about how I can't write, and about how pathetic I am, is really pathetic. You have no idea who the fuck I really am.
I hope to God, that you have a child with Bi Polar disorder, and Autism, then you can talk to me about offing one's self.
OH yes, I also volunteer at an animal shelter here in Hawaii. I walk on the beach every weekend, and pick up all the trash assholes like you who visit Hawaii just leave behind.
If you can't stand my blog so much then why the fuck read it? Why don't you go read a fucking book?
I...darling am not afraid of anything. Least of all failing. At least I tried. So while you sit at your desk at work, reading my blog, I think your afraid to go out and risk it all to do whatever it is you really want to do. How pathetic is that?

I have stong views on life, and people, and I'm not at all afraid to go out on my own and actually live my own life.
By September of 2009, I will be on my own. No parents, no friends, no computer, and you know what? I'll be just fucking fine. I going to move to the place I want, and I'm going to establish a life of my own their. Then I'll be enrolled in college in spring semester of 2010, if not earlier.

Now, go back to lame ass job. Get a life of you own, and stop commenting on my blog.

P.S Don't let what I say make you want to off yourself.

Stop reading my blog, and move on with your American dream life. LOL!

Dying4Something2Live4 said...

Happy Birthday. ok, just one other thing. i don't think that you should say that the 'white' race is horrible or whatever because of what 'we' did to them. 'we' didnt do anything. yes, there we're some white people who were rascist dick wads. but there are also black people who have raped and killed little girls. im not going into rasicism, because that's not me, and im not one. but i guess what im saying is that there is good and bad in every color.

Anonymous said...

You're right I was being mean to make myself feel better cause my life is pathetic, have no friends, and my mother died last monday. You seemed like a easy victim but I guess I was wrong. Sorry, by the way I never said you were a bad writer.

Gledwood said...

Happy Birthday Darling!
I was thinking about you yesterday evening... I was cleaning my house and you know when you're doing something therapeutic like cleaning your mind wanders to things I started thinking of you. I will tell you what I thought but not right now. I have to gather my thoughts together first and there's a story I want to tell you too

Gledwood said...

ps who is this Anonymous person? have you any idea? it might be the same one who comes on Melody Lee's blog and slags her off there

I don't get this throwing negativity around stuff. I mean I have a lot of negativity in me but I tend to direct it innerwards I spose, which is just as bad for you...

Gledwood said...

O yeah I heard about some of that medical stuff. E.g. an experiment involving syphilis and black men... and another with malaria. They gave malaria deliberately and the fever's so extremely high I think it cured the syphilis... something pretty amazing like that ~ and pretty INHUMANE AND BARBARIC too

AnnaGrace said...

Your right dying for something to live for, there are bad people with all diffrent skin colors. I was just going off on a tangint, and was mad at my ansestors for being so close minded, and hurting so many people, because of their skin color.
I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I just really wish we could all just get along, and see past our skin color, and see whats on the inside. Love, and peace. For some reason thats too much to ask for.
Which is yet another reason I wish a astroid would hit the earth and exterminate humans. Leave a few behind all of diffrent skin colors, and all athiest's. Start over. Not all people are bad, and no one deserves to die by anyone else's hand. Natural selection.
Okay I'm going to stop now, because I'm moving into territory I know nothing about. Fuck I don't know anything about anything. I just hope...for a better world.

AnnaGrace said...

I doubt that was the original anonymous who left the apology.It was probably someone trying to make me feel better, but If it is, apology accepted.

My condolences for the loss of your mom. May she rest in peace.

AnnaGrace said...

Gledwood, you must tell me this story! I on edge waiting to hear it. Hope to hear form you soon.

Anonymous said...

I did write those 2 anonymous posts I dont know why i said the first one just mad i suppose anyways thanks for your condolances and sorry for being a jerk.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Anna... -kelly