Monday, February 16, 2009

Resolve

First off, I've been telling my dad for weeks to start taking two percocet's a day, and he kept telling me he was off the Percocets. So I went into his daily pill thingy, and well...he's taking two percocets a day.
This obviously means that my dad is extremely stressed out, and depressed. He's taking extra opiates to dull the emotional pain. Same as I do. I don't know if I should be glad for him, or if I should feel guilty, because its obviously me who is causing his emotional grief.

For those of you who read that sad depressing, suicidal idiotic blog I wrote on Feb. 14 titled Taken. Well, I'm still blue, and I'm still sad, and I'm still guilt ridden, but I am not going to off myself. I have decided to check myself into a psych hospital for a few weeks, and get my meds straightened out, and perhaps even get off methadone completely.

I've applied to Seattle Central Community College, and to Olympia Washington State University. I also sent three chapters of my book into a literary agent, just to get feed back on what they think of my writing. I'm not expecting it to be good, but all criticism is good. The more harsh they are, the better writer I could become. The more resolve I will have to become better at this putting words on a page and voodoo screen.

My mother let my father read the Taken blog. I think I've put my dad thru enough for one lifetime, my mom was selfish to have him read that blog. My father has major depression, and is as suicidal as me. My mom is the only one strong enough out the three of us to handle what I had to say.

Now my dad feels guilty, and is going to go to Washington with me for three months to help me get settled. That is if I get accepted to school there. I wanted to go to Washington by myself. I didn't want my parents to have to yet again uproot their lives for me, and I fail. I wanted to go on my own, and to find my own way, not having anyone to rely on but myself.

In my mom's email, she was right in some parts. The part she is wrong about, is me wanting to control them. The last thing I want to do is control them. I want to stop being controlled. Gawd, we need some fucking family therapy.

No way will I give birth to a child with my gene's, I would never pass on this illness to someone I love more than myself...my own child. I can't even imagine what it would be like to watch my own child be so sad, and guilty that he or she would take their own life. To watch my own child become addicted to Heroin...feel the most beautiful feeling, and then watch the most beautiful feeling destroy your life, by becoming physically addicted to it. I'd be one of those mothers who would totally enable his or her's use of drugs. I would know how horrible it feels to need something, that everyone tells tells them they should want to live without. That they should be strong enough to overcome this addiction.

I fall in and out of complacency. I have so many things that I want to accomplish, but with all those goals, and me being very very lazy its hard to come to terms with being a complete failure at everything I set out to do.

Fuck, being Bi Polar I'm suppose to a brilliant creative master, but instead, I'm a dumb bi polar, and has never had an original idea or thought in my entire life.

But I will. I hope. So I have hope, doesn't that make me healthy. Some days I have hope, somedays I lose all hope. Deal with it.

2 comments:

Gledwood said...

what the $%^& is a percocet??!?

Anonymous said...

LOL, you Brits! They must have Percocet, Percodan, in England. I'm most likely spelling it wrong.

I emailed Gledwood, and tried my best to explain what a Percocet is to him, but I don't think I did a good job. I don't have my mom's "Nurse's guide to Medications" here with me in Hawaii, so I can't explain to Geldwood what exactly perocet is, aside from its Oxycodone, mixed with ancidamidaphine(main ingredient in Tylenol)

Anyone with better knowlege of what exactly a percocet is...can you explain it better than I tried?

PPfaceannagrace