I wish I could sound smart while talking about cosumersim and capitolizm, but I can't. I don't know enough about it.
I hope someday someone stops this brainwashing, and I hope someday drugs are legalized.
I'm so fucking sick of living with my parents. I have zero privacy. I have no time to fill the hole within me. The hole some fill with religion, other with drugs. Some fill it by buying things they don't need. There is hole in all of us. What are we suppose to fill it with. Go to a prison and you will find that the majority of the population has found some kind of religion.
What are we suppose to think about organized religion? Its caused the death of more human beings than any natrual disaster ever has. There are so many religions to choose from, how so you know which one is right?
As I've mentioned a million times in this blog, and my Myspace blog, I'm going down on my Methadone...trying to get off. I've applied at a college in Seattle...Central Seattle. My parents do NOT want to let me go, but I have to go. I'm 26, and I'm sorry.
My parents, their the ones who will be screamsing at me when I fall off the "wagon", there the ones who will be so broken down, when I realize I can't take the pain of this world anymore. I'll be the one crying because I couldn't hold on to life long enough to make art, to write something that will change the way they feel about themselves.
My parents are middle class, and I'm an only surviving child, we all live with a broken heart now that my sister is gone from this plane of existance, or perhaps any plane of exitance.
I'm worn out, I can't help to want to keep my parents happy, but it wears me out.
If i could be you who you wanted...all the time....all the time, I would, but it wears me out.
Why the fuck am I even writing any of this shit. I'll never find it, I'll always be slave to my parents will. I always be scared to go, and to me at the age of 26 having a mother and father so over fucking proctective is like haveing freinds telling to so something you don't want to do.
I can't even feel love for anyone but my parents. Everyone else is a passerby in my little world. I see them happy, and I envy, and hate them. I can't let myself be fat, I can't wear this fat suite for the rest of my life. I can't kill myself in this fat.
Am I paying for my vanity? Am I paying for uselessness? I just want someone to tell me what to do. I know what I want, I want to go to school in Seattle far away from mom and dad, and I want to be my own person. If I don't get SSD, I will have to get a job, and I'll have to work to pay for things I need. The thing I need to fill my hole, the thing that makes me fell like a child protected by my mothers whomb. I want to learn, i want to wite, and I want to run away. Leave all this behind. I'll miss Eleanor forever, but I'll kill that pain with with the help of Dr. Skag.
Why am I alive. I've done so much to my body, I should dead. Why can't I die. I know I'm not immortal, I love candy, and raindrops, and falling in love, I want to see the other side of the world.
I want to feel comfortable in my own body, I want to go to a nude beach, and swim naked without the judgment of the other nudist. I want to live without a television telling me what to buy, or what to watch. I want to be entertained by books, and I want to learn, learn, learn.
I want to paint, and even if I don't make my parents proud, as long as I'm pround. I am a black star, I am a falling sky, and the moon shines on the water so bright I can see you face as clear as if it were the sun shone behind a bunch of clouds.
This is getting to me. Really gettting to me.