Friday, March 6, 2009

God save the Queen

My arms are fat, my belly is fat, my ass is fat, my thighs are fat, my face is fat, and my fingers are fat...even my fucking feet are fat. Ever since my last suicide attempt with the aspirin, and the next week I took thirty 1mg Kpins, I've been swollen, and taking on weight faster than I can take it off. My thyroid is fucked up, and tomorrow I'll be picking up the prescription to keep my thyroid in balance. I was also put on Lithium yesterday, but I haven't taken it. I've been on Lithium before, and the shit made me gain weight back then, and I was only 16, ten years ago. Now that I'm morbidly obese, taking lithium might just fucking kill me.

I'm worried I'm gonna get diabetes. I eat 10 days worth of sugar in one day. This is not an over estimation, if anything its an under estimation. I know the only way for me to get rid of this sweet tooth is get off the Methadone. I should have them take me down 5mgs a week, and weening myself off the Xanax should be easy enough I've done it at least 10 times on my own. If I were to have a sesiour, well I guess, I'd deal with that when it happens.

I sent out my application, and had my transcripts sent out to Central Seattle Community College for the Fall semester. I want to be off the methadone by the time I get to Seattle. So if the 5mgs a week isn't enough to get me off by August, I'll have to do rapid detox. Which will suck, but its what I have to do. I think I should have some Xanax tho if I go thru rapid detox, because when I get off the methadone completely, I'm going to have panic attacks like seriously YOU CANNOT IMAGINE, to the point I tear out my hair. I would only take them when the thoughts of getting high off opiates get so bad that I go out seeking H, I can pop a Xanax, and relax a bit, get myself gathered let myself be reminded that the Heroin is only going to make things worse, and I need to stay clean for school.

My mom will be living with for the first three months I move to Washington, and she will have a job, so I will have to get acquainted with the city especially Capitol Hill area, and I'll have to do it fast, because three months is not a long time. Fuck I'm moving to Seattle in less than five months. Those five months are going to go by fast.

I have to keep in mind that I might not get accepted to this college. If I don't, I'm still moving to Seattle, and I'm going to live off what ever I can, until I get SSI, and hopefully welfare, and food stamps.

If I do get accepted, I'll have to apply for financial aid, and all that stuff, and hopefully I'll get some grants, because I'm a 26 year old going back to school a community school to get my qualifications to go to a University in Olympia Washington.

I so full of mixed emotions. You have no idea how badly I want to get high off H just one more time. We all want that "just one more time", which you into a full blown junky in a few months. Then it would be back to Methadone, and then I'd be fat again, that is if I even ever lose the fat I have on me now.

I have other legal things to worry about, which is why I cannot go back to my home state.

One moment I believe in myself, I can do this. Get off dope, go to school, learn, deal with my mental health, but then what if I don't get SSI, or Welfare, or food stamps, and I don't get accepted, so I don't get financial aid, or grants, then I'm homeless in a foreign city. If this were to happen there is no way I could take Elle with me. I can't put her thru being homeless again.

Just the thought of moving to Seattle, and it being just me and Elle, is a scary prospect. Eleanor LOVES my dad, and mom, she likes the routine we have right now. If I were to change it up on her, I just feel so bad, I don't want her to feel how I do.

I so wish I was a trust fund baby, and I could move to where ever I wanted, and not have to worry about money. I'd have a place to live, money for the essentials. Money for the non essentials. Look at me, the one who is always saying money doesn't buy happiness, even if I had money I'd still be me. I'd still be a recovering junky, living in Seattle, with money to burn. I'm gonna go now, and look and see how much it is for rent in Central Seattle, and even tho I know its were Kurt Cobain was last seen buying dope before he shot himself, I can't help feeling that I'm being drawn there for some other purpose, not the dope, but....? I can't be sure why. The gray skies, and the rain. The season changing. Nature is a whore. Spring is here again.
I have to go there. I have to be there. If I can't handle it, I'll move closer to the Midwest, where I'm from. Where I know, or I could go to Florida where Pete lives, and....?

I want stability, Eleanor needs stability, I want a girlfriend, I want to loose the weight, and I want to stay clean for at least a year, two years would be glorious, but we all know the odds for us Opiate addicts. Suicide might be my only way out.

Should I or shouldn't I take the Lithium my Dr. prescribed me yesterday. I'm suppose to take it twice a day, and its at the lowest dose that is potent. I can't be numb and be a writer.

Oh yes, my book is going to label a fiction novel, because in the book I reveal alot of illegal things I did, and the literary agent said, the popo can hold that against me in a court of law, even tho it would be hard to prove, but the part about my escape well that won't be hard to prove, and it can give them ammunition against me.

Where in the world will I be, what in the world will I do. For the first time in my life, I'm going to be on my own, after my mom leaves. Even when she is there it will be like I'm on my own, since she works nights, and sleeps during the day, and the days she has off are shopping days, and cleaning days.

Bye, bye, my dearest methadone. 5mgs a week shouldn't be all that noticeable. Right? God help me, and save the Queen.

I need some feed back, someone to tell me what they think I should do or not do. Am I doing it right, or am I doing it wrong.

There is a girl that I want to be there, but she can't be there, so I won't have her. Better that way, I'd rather her meet the thinner me, than the fattest I"ve ever been me.

God save me. God help me. May the universes will be done unto me, and God wills be done unto me. Look after my family immediate, and not so immediate, take care of my dog(s) all that I ever had. Tell me when I should go, how I should go, and what, when, and where I should go?

I'm crazy. I'm a crazy fan. A crazy writer, and with no talent, and no self esteem. God help the Queen.

I'm sorry for this rambling post, but fuck its fast to type it out on here than put it in my paper journal. I want to read my damn book, but I've taken too many benzo's and I keep falling asleep, but not before I go and get a Butterfingers. Yep, thats right I bought about 15 butter fingers because there was a sale, get two for 89 cents, so I went on a binge, plus I got my food stamps today. My dad owes me 60 dollars. I must remind him of that.

HELP ME. SHOULD I CHECK MYSELF INTO A DETOX CENTER? I do have insurance now, so if I wanted off the methadone now would be the time to detox here in Hawaii. I can't make up my own mind, and this is not a good thing. I need to be told what to do. No wonder I've always had boyfriends, and now I want a girlfriend to be in Seattle with me.

I love you all for reading this hastily written blog.


Heroinhead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heroinhead said...

Anna, great blog. You may not enjoy living it but I enjoy reading it... your pain isn't all in vain! ;)

5ml every week... thats possible. it gets harder as your dose decreases though when 5 ml does make a difference. For me it was easy getting down to 30ml a day (from 150) but then I started getting bored and thinking constantly of gear. I was only on a program due to my girlfriend, so i thought "fuck it" and leapt off the wagon. I still use methadone but only when I've got no H... maybe one day I'll be able to tell you what it's like decreasing from 30 to 0.

When you OD or blow your brains out, shout a few obsenities at the world for me... I'll thank you properly when I join you on the other side.

You take care... Shane.

Heroinhead said...

Anna, thanks for the comment on my blog... i've replied so you can go across and read it.

I'm quite new to blogging so am not always sure of the easiest way to reply.

take care... i look froward to your next post. Shane (after a cowboy film ;) I like that.)

Gledwood said...

I decreased from 20-5! Then got bored of it and cut it off dead!
But I'd only a baby habit. I went clubbing on extasy the night before and did my sweats, as I saw them, in bed the 24-hours afterwards. But there wasn't much sweating to do anyhow...

Nowadays I feel more ill than I ever got back then, just if I delay a dose or forget to take methadone for a few hours. Yukk!

Gledwood said...

PS I don't know about the detox thing. You never get drugs covered on private insurance here (bear in mind you don't technically need it) so rehab is either paid for by the state or your rich parents put you through a more luxurious one...

you know from 5mg methadone you can switch to buprenorphine quite easily. bupe as you Americans call it (we call it Subutex) is WAY easier to cut down on than methadone. I got down to 3mg from 10 within 2 weeks without suffering at ALL ~ so bear that in mind. Subutex also makes you feel "cleaner" wide awake and vivid, which can be a good thing or a bad thing...