Sunday, March 1, 2009

It's been awhile, and I'm sure your all so not excited to know whats going on in my life. Not much new here. I've started to play a game with my methadone and Xanax...you know, see how far I can push it and not die. How many I can take at once, and how long it takes me to nod out. Today I slept 18 hours. Yesterday I took my methadone, and then I took 8mgs of Xanax, and then when it gets dark I take another 50 to 60 mgs of Valium at night. I also take my Bi Polar meds at "bedtime", and I take Tylenol PM, without the Tylenol. Which might explain why I sleep 18 to 20 hours a day.

I hate sleeping so much. I feel like I missed out on somthing...like life. So today I took my methadone later in the day, and only took 2mg of Xanax. The only reason I took the Xanax is because I didn't want to have a sesiour which probably would have happened, because I've been popping bezo's like candy, and if I were to stop abruptly, it would be like takeing a hard core alcoholic who drinks at least a liter of Vodka in a day, and stop giving him that alchohol. He would die if that would happen, and I'd probably die if I cut myself off Xanax right now, I'd likey suffer the same fate as the alcoholic who stopped drinking abrubtly.

Which would be considered an accidently overdose, and my parents might feel less guilt. Well, I don't want to die right now. I have plans. I want to move to Washington and go to school and start the second draft of my book, "I hate myself and want to die", catchy title huh?
I need to leave a legacy behind. I need to know when I die, that I will be rembered by more people than just family and freinds. That I'll be missed as much I miss Kurt Donald Cobain. I want to people to aspire to write better than me. (which will be easy)

There are alot of junky stories out there much more interesting than mine. Its just those junkies haven't the...whatever it is in me that makes me want to do whatever it takes to get this book out of me, and read by others. Others like me, and other not like me, but might learn something from my book, and perspective.

So its off to Seattle I go. To study English lit.

1 comment:

Boston Joe said...

hey, you are right about the benzo thing, you cannot just stop taking em or you will take sezes. Also, you don't have them rigth away, it takes a couple of days for some reason. I don't want to be a downer, but I have also heard, from people who have kicked both (not me), that kicking benzos is worse than H cause they can't give you anything but less of the dose of benzo. sorry to be the bearer of bad news but thought you should know. good luck with school and everything, you write beautifully and have real talent!!