Tuesday, March 31, 2009

So close, but never all the way.

It has gotten sickening living here in Hawaii. My mother is like me, she doesn't like to work...unless she lives alone and it fuels her addiction to sex, booze, whatever it as the moment. Last time my mom lived here in Hawaii, her and my father were separated. My was a bar fly, and a drunk. My dad sent me down here to get away from some legal issues I was facing back in my home state.

Of course, what ended up happening, is me and my mom would fight, because I though she was acting like a teenager, and was fucking around on my father. My father was devastated. I was in the middle. Always, I'm in the middle. Gawd, I miss my sister so much.

When it was just me and mom, we lived pretty much separate lives, except on her days off when she would go to the bar to get drunk with her boyfriend at the time, and I would go and sing Karaoke. I sucked at it, but I loved doing it. We lived in a very small place, and as always my mother does not clean up after herself, so when I got their, and it was two of us in this one place I would clean every now and again, but I'd leave for days on end, because either I was sick of my mom, or I had things to do. Like Heroin, benzo's and even some crack. I was sick of being the go between for my parents, and if I fucked up my mom would want to kick me out, and I would have loved to have been kicked out, just to see what it feels like to be thrown to the wayside. My father would never allow that, and he would talk my mom down, and then my dad would get on the phone, and yell at me, and I'd say sorry. After we hung up I was out the door, and on the bus down to China Town.

This time, its, me, mom, and dad all living together here in Hawaii. My mom can't go out and "have fun" like she last time she lived here without my father, and my father has some fucking hold over me, he gilts me into staying with them.

So at around 4pm, my dad got on my case about moving to Washington. He wants to leave Hawaii now, so does my mom because she has to work, and me and dad don't. I can understand that. Even tho my dad is bringing in the most money, its my mom's job that gives us free rent, and other free shit.
My dad laid into me, guilting me in every way he can to make me go back to Wisconsin with them. He kept saying, "you know Anna, its only because of you we are still here right now." I retort back, "Dad, I'm 26 if you leave me here on my own, I can get by. God knows I hate working at jobs I hate, but if I have to I will." I go on to try to explain that its not me that is keeping them here, but its themselves keeping themselves here. I tell them go, go, I will survive, but no they won't. I've always made bad choices for myself. I can't live on my own. I thought that I had until August to get everything in order to go to Washington to go to school, but now my mom wants to sever he contract, and leave next month or in May. Leaving me with limited time to get everything done.

If my sister were alive, this would be a non issue, but because she is dead, I'm the only thing they have to live for, or so they always remind me of, I need to be with them. Is that not the biggest guilt trip a person can be put under.

So in this discussion we were having about me moving to Washington, my dad said, No, Anna your not going to Washington, your moving to Wisconsin with us. I just looked at him and said, dad I'm 26 years old. I can leave and go where ever I want. You cannot tell me what to do. If I decided to pick up and leave today, just up and go and not tell them where I'm going to and never speak to them again, I can. I don't want to do that. I'd rather just go to school and still stay in contact.

So now they refuse to help me get to Washington, or help me pay for school. Knowing they have enough money to help me go to school, but nope they would rather build yet another fucking house. That is three houses they have built, and...wait nope, that is four houses they have built. The cabin up north the they built during Angie senior year of high school, leaving her to her own devices in the house in Wisconsin, which is where she would throw beer parties, and it is where she ended up dieing. My dad go this grant to build another house from the VA. Plus this house will be shared with his brother, my uncle Dave. Who would live in the basement.

What is in Oconto Falls for me? Nothing, except bars, and alcohol. If I can't get my hands on any kind of drug, I always go to the Alcohol, and become even more suicidal than I already am.

After the fight, after I was told that I HAVE to go to Wisconsin, it wasn't up to me, I went into my room, I wrote out a note, explaining why I can't live like my parents pet anymore, and why I have to go out and either make it or not. At least I tried, if I die trying then so be it. With my parents alive, I'm always going to be held back. They don't want me to move on. They want me to be their made, and then make fun of me for being 26 fat, and living with them. Like ha, ha, look what you did to yourself.

Yes I did this to myself, and now I want out. I want to stop doing this to myself. I want to get away from the guilt trips, and the wasted life I'm living.

Tonight I might take my methadone and all my pills and just go to sleep and not wake up. No suicide note, just let them think I died unexpectedly in my sleep. My dad would not let me get a autopsy, he wouldn't let my sister.

This life is just too much. With or without them, I'll always feel guilty. I've been guilt ed my entire life.

There is no way I'm going back to Wisconsin, unless its in a casket. That is all there is too it. Fuck them I'll move to Chicago, live in some ghetto before I go back to Oconto Falls to live.

I can always go down by Pete. I have that escape. All my parents have to do is pay for the airline ticket, and they don't have to worry about me or Elle anymore.

Fuck them. Fuck them for making feel guilty for things I don't have to feel guilty about. They just don't want to feel guilty for leaving me behind, when all I want is for them to leave me behind.

I know I'm in a swirl, I should never contemplate suicide, but fuck if this is what life is, guilt, punishment, sadness.

Today my dad said, Anna's what is holding us back from what we want to do. We are doing this for you, and I tell them go, please go, but no they won't go unless I come with them, so then the resent me for wanting to live my own life. Their worst fear is that I will die before them, but the fucking way its going, the way my mind works, they way I feel is impossible to predict when I will die. If I do die before them I hope its an accident. I can't be too selfish and kill myself.

I don't want to be near my family right now. Its not the best thing for me. When I get to Washington, maybe I can live in an Oxford house for women. You know one of those clean and sober living places. I'll look into that right now for a matter of a fact. I'll plan this move on my own, and fuck them for doubting me. Fuck them for pushing so far that I want to die.

Just Fuck 'em!


Boston Joe said...

That really really sucks. At least you can see that it is not really you that is holding them back, but they who are doing it to themselves. You should just break out on your own and do what you have to, that is no way to live with guilt like that. Guilt fucking sucks.. I mean, if you reallly want to I am sure you can move to washington on your own. Just get a job and go to school part time to start and then you can look into different types of financial aid and shit. If you don't do it you will always regret it and also resent them for it as well. It is a tough situation, I hope everything works out for you

Sarah Budweiser said...

I'm sorry for everything that you're having to go through but I'm happy to see that you ended your post with #3 from Mel's philosophy. I think that while her views might not apply to every situation, it is still a healthier way to react than letting everything slam into you over and over.
You are both my friends and yet you are so different! I would say I'm closer to you even though on the surface we don't have too much in common. I guess the only thing that really connects us are our issues with Heroin....I guess that's enough.
Well, just thought I'd pop in and leave you a comment, just to let you know you're still on my mind.

AnnaGrace said...

Thank's Boston Joe. I'm working out the kinicks. I need to get an apartment before August, take my compass test, and get finacial aid, and grants, and all that other stuff taken care of. Which with the econonmy so bad right now, I herd finacial aid is hard to come by.

Thanks Sarah, I think we have more in common than just Heroin. At least I thought so. I guess I don't know too much.