Tuesday, March 10, 2009

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spot light losing my Religion

What right do I have to write? I’m getting sick of this blogging, in turn the readers are getting bored and sick of reading my blogs. I haven’t much to say these days. I had hoped a move to Hawaii would get me to work on my book more, but instead I’m stuck in a small apartment with both my parents.
You see, I’m trying to live in the moment. Just the moment, like right now, as each word goes onto this voodoo screen, is a moment in my life that I cannot take back. I can erase what I’ve written, but I can’t erase the time it took to write it.
I’ve found after practicing this “living in the moment” thing for a few days now, that everyone is pushing me to live in the future. As if they are so sure my life is going to last long enough, and that I should use up this moment to make sure my future moments are better than this one, when in reality I only have the here and now. I can’t undo my past, I can’t bring anyone back to live, and change the way my life has turned out so far, at this moment.
I think the rat race that is our daily lives, is making our, or most of our lives meaningless. I haven’t any children, I have no reason to make the future a greater place. All I can do is make my hear and now a great place.
Seeing as how, in my past I used opiate, which in turn changed my brain chemistry, and now I need those opiates to function, and I go to the Methadone clinic diligently, and I take my dose, and do so because it will make better future for myself.
Fuck that, I want to use Heroin, I want to get high, and feel the warm, euphoria envelope me. I want to feel the best feeling in the world. I want that moment to last as long as it can.
So, I’ve officially started going down on my dose, 1mg every three days. Now don’t laugh, or boo me. My body is so hooked on that methadone, I need it to not blow my head off. I had thought about going down 1mg a day, but that seemed a bit much. The instant I begin to feel sick, I’m going to stop the going down on my dose, and go back up, that is unless I’m so far down, that the methadone no longer blocks the Heroin, well then I’d go out and buy myself some Heroin, and life in the moment.
Even if my body looks as though death has taken over, at least while I’m high, I’m in a place you can’t reach me, a place you can’t take me down from.
I admit with good comes the bad. There will be days of sickness, and days of no money, and days of many sorrows, but to live in the moment of that pain, and those sorrows, is to grow, is to make me a better person, to make me a better writer. To hopefully make one person understand. Not to make them understand that you should use Heroin, and life will be awesome, no, no, not at all. I’m just saying don’t put your life on hold, so that your future is better, because then your missing out the best bits. The kisses from a lover, the butterfly that lands upon your hand, the snow that falls quiet, and beautiful, and the city is quiet and beautiful, and you just want that moment to last forever. Those moments, are the moments that make up our lives.
As children we lived in the moment, that’s why life seemed to go by so slowly when you were a child, and now as an adult life seems to fly by. Your no longer living moment to moment.
I think I’ve made my case, and I’m sure I this point of view is not going to be shared by all, but at least I have a point of view.
Every morning I wake up, and I take my dog for a walk, and since I started this “living in the moment” thing, I’ve enjoyed the walks so much. The smell of the ocean breeze, the people walking past going about their lives, while I walk my dog lazily about, letting her sniff whatever it is she likes, and taking her to the park and letting her run off the leash, and lying in the grass looking up at the sky, memorizing this moment, because it is my life.

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