Sunday, March 15, 2009

What is this hole in us?

I'm sure everyone who has been reading my blogs lately...wait...I'm sorry I've been blogging on Myspace more lately. Just to see if I could my readers back. I used to get 200-300+ hit per day on my blog, and now, if I'm lucky I get that many in a week. Someday's I only get 9 hits per day. I try not to care, and try to blame it on the contents of my blog, which is me writing about me totally self absorbed in me. Its all me, me, me, me!
Usually the the blog is about how much I want to get high, and get off the methadone, and in the second paragraph I write, I want to get off methadone and stay clean, go to school clean, write the second draft of my book clean.
Now that I'm on Bi Polar Medication, and when I get off the Methadone I hope that I don't have those I don't go into a mania for a month or two, fucking evey man or woman who gives me the least bit of attention, because once I get off the methadone I'm gonna have a sex drive back, and its going to come back full fucking force. When I got put in jail on 140mgs a day of Methadone, and had to go cold turkey I was in hell. It worst thing I've ever experienced. Being sick, not able to sleep, having using dreams for the few moments of sleep you get, and trying to find good books in th book bin, but the book bin is only full of romance novels, and well I started to read those romance novels, which normally I hate, but I was sooooooo horny that I would read these porno for women, and I'd masterbate on my top bunck, tryting to descreat, but the woman on the bottem could feel the bed shaking, and my moans and groans that I tried to hide, because my clit was so sensitve that I could cum from just reading a really erotic part of the book. In jail masterbation was my only salvation. I had to masterbaute like ten times a day, because it would replace the endorphine high I would get immediatly after taking a nice juicy shot of H. I even would think about a really sexy women, or a really sexy man shooting up, and I'd masterbate to that.
Thank God I was only in jail for 13 days, until I got placed in a inpatient rehab for alcohol and drug abuse. Sicne I was an IV drug user, and in Green Bay WI, IV drug users are a rare breed, there was no one else in rehab with me that had an opiate addiction, and I'm a drug snob. I was in with mostly crack heads, some coke IV users, but mostly alcoholics, who would look at me and the other person who used drugs IV, like we were scum. They were alcoholic snobs, and anyone who did real drugs was below them.
I was happy to be below them. Alcoholics seem to be able to hold down jobs, even tho they are drunk at work, and the only time they aren't drunk is when they wake up, which most of the time they are still drunk even when they wake up. Still the alcoholics were, (I hate to put lables on people), but they were either rednecks, or they were rich over acheivers, who worked at IBM for istance. They tried to live the American dream, and they found that the american dream didn't fullfull them. It didn't fill the hole in them that needed to be filled. Some people fill that void with faith, in some sort of God, some fill it with trying to make their dreams come true thur their children.
Alcholics, Heroin addicts, Coke heads, Tweekers, and all the other addictions, including gambeling...the think that we all have in common is that we have a hole in ourselves and its not filled.
AA and NA try to push a higher power on you, that something all knowing, and all forgiving will fill that void, but I just can't believe that some higherpower or some god is going to fill my hole. My hole wants opiates, my hole needs to be filled, and as I keep going down on my Methdaone dose, I'm going to see what I cling to in lue of opiates and benzos.

Of course AA and NA do not push god, they push a higher power, and that higher power can be the NA/AA group its self.

I have to go, I don't know where I'm going, and I'm watching intervention on A&E.


Gledwood said...

blogging on myspace... how the fuck does myspace blogging work? every time I try and go on there's nothing but a photograph and very little else? is it any better than blogger? how come every time people mention blogging Blogger is never mentioned always myspace and facebook? I don't geddit... (hey I don't get most of life so ?hmmmmMMMMMMMM!...)))

Gledwood said...

Talking about bipolar meds, i never really mentioned this on my blog but in my recent psych interview we got onto the dreaded B topic and all these YES answers came up (bc I'd decided to tell truth), so she was talking about me going on valproate... I was just wondering what bipolar meds you were on and what the dreaded side effects might be...?

sydney_savage said...

Does watching that show Intervention make you hopeful, depressed or want to use? I have always wondered what kinds of feelings might come up for actual addicts watching the show and I would be curious to hear your take on it.


AnnaGrace said...

Watching the show Intervention gives me cravings to use if its about a Heroin addict, but if its about an alcoholic, or crack head, or tweeker, then I can watch it and see how it fucks up lives.
Still even tho I know how much Heroin and all drugs fuck up lives, and hurt the ones you love the most, the high is undescriable to someone who doesn't use. All you think about is getting high, and when you high your at the most peace you can be at...its almost like you've reached Nirvana.
Since I'm on Methadone, I can't get high off of my drug of choice, so I just watch as they shoot up their drugs, and envy them.
I'm fucked, aren't I?

sydney_savage said...

I don't know if your necessarily fucked.... but thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do like reading what you have to say because you are honest. Honesty is a very rare quality to find in a person. I don't know what it feels like to use heroin..but I know the feeling of despair pretty well. Only when I was happy in my own skin, did it ever go away. I don't know how to teach that... and it makes me sad. I wish you could find that peace within yourself too.