Friday, April 3, 2009

Average indvidual...

Today was a waste of a day, I woke up and took my every smaller dose of Methadone, and took two Xanax bars for good measure. I hadn't any plans for the day, rarely I never do have plans for the day, except for the mornings I go to the Methadone clinic. Those mornings I wake up earlier than usual. Only because I want to get downtown early before everyone sells out of Benzo's, and Methadone, and every other opiate you can think of that is for sale downtown.

The one thing I want to get done, is to take my compass test, I did the practice compass test and I scored average. My math skills below average. Thank goodness there were no complicated puzzles on the test...my brain would have exploded. I've always told myself, or more like promised myself that I would work on puzzles, and riddles more, in hope of making mind smarter.

I hate the fact that I am not a genius. I hate the fact that I have an IQ of 110, and that I can't write nearly as good as heroin head, or Melody. I struggle to overcome my average intellectual abilities. I feel that being average is boring. I am boring. Surly since I've moved in with my parents my life has become very boring. To make up for that boredom I take my Methadone, and Xanax and sleep it away. What is sleeping away my boredom going to do for me? Nothing! All I do is make it nearly impossible to read, because as soon as the Methadone and Xanax take effect in the middle of whatever I'm doing, reading, writing, or even rotting my brain with television I fall asleep. Some days I will purposely not take my methadone until later in the day(my take home doses) so I can read for more than two chapters. When I wasn't popping Xanax bars like candy, I could read a book in a day and a half, to two days. Now it takes me weeks to read a book, because I fall asleep mid sentence, and even if I push on and try to keep myself alert enough to read, the next day I have to re read what I read the day before because I can't remember anything I read. Hopefully it was absorbed into my subconscious and it will lay there waiting for to pull from when writing.

I've sickened my readers with my constant suicidal thoughts and plans, and complaining while doing nothing to resolve the situation. The only thing I feel good about doing is finally weening myself off the damn Methadone. It was like there were two parts to me, one part wanted to stay on the Methadone forever so it would keep me away from Heroin, and other strong opiates, in order to allow me to write, but then came along Xanax, and I fucked that all up. The other part of me wanted off the Methadone asap, because its made me fat, and uncomfortable, its taken away my ability to attract the opposite sex and even the same sex. Which while a using addict I had a very good ability to attract the opposite sex, and in turn gave me more self esteem, but I ended up addicted to that self esteem boost, and would sleep with guys as if they were just toys to play with and make me feel better about myself. The Methadone also took away my sex drive, which when that is taken away you loose alot in your writing, because what are most good books about in some way or another? Love and sex.

So I'm getting off the methadone, in order...to be totally honest to regain my looks, so my face isn't fat, and my ass and my belly...well I've always had a bit of a tummy even at my slimmest. The only time I've felt like my body was as thin as I wanted it to be, I was junk sick, and junk mind sick, so there was no way it could help me. My self esteem didn't matter when I was junk sick, all I wanted was an opiate to take away the thoughts, and the pains. Which is the original reason I got on the Methadone. Nobody told me it would make me fat, and only eat candy.

I know in my blogs I come across as flaky, and a mess of emotions, and contractions, and wants and want notes. Every time I go into something blind, be it Seattle or back to Wisconsin with my parents, both are unknown. I have no idea what will happen. I would only go back to Wisconsin for one month, until school started in Washington, so my parents had enough money to help me out with rent, and money for school.

Of course me being me, while in Hawaii I picked up yet another habit on top of my opiate habit, and that is a benzodiazepine habit. That is like an alcohol habit, where if I don't ween myself off probably I could have seizures, and even die. Ha, wouldn't that be...see if I were smart enough I would know that word that should go there. I know its not ironic, or is it? I've talked about suicide so much on my blogs, and to decide to go clean for a bit and end up dying because of it, now I do believe that is ironic. Its something. Whatever it is, I brought it upon myself, and I think I'd be the only one to find it funny.

I can be even more honest here, and tell everyone the only reason I'm getting off methadone and Xanax is to loose the weight, and lower my tolerance, so I can again get high. I wish there were a better word for "get high", like...get enlightened, or insta comfort. Getting high, I can get high off any number of drugs, and since I'm a drug snob, and only consider Opiates a worth while high, getting high just does not convey to you the reader...why I'm getting off Methadone(the opiate that keeps me from getting high, but also keeps the cravings at bay, as well as the dope sickness) just to go back to shooting Heroin, or Oxycontin, or Dilaudid. (To none American readers Oxycontin, and Dilaudid are like pharmauctical Heroin).

Then again I could get clean while bringing down my tolerance I could find that I like the my life without Opiates, and be the 2 or 4% if people who stay off opiates after being hooked for over two years, forever. (When or if I use again I'm going to be very careful when I do use again, only using a teeny weeny bit so as not to turn blue on my first shot back.)

I guess with that said, deep down I want to be a rock star, and have everyone worship me, only for me to hate most of my fans, but I'm far to average for that. I'm so average I want to be in a band. Well, really I would love to be in a band that is just loved and worshiped by a few underground people, because those are the people I want the respect of. Not Donald Trump, or Lionel Richie.

I also want to be an author, who writes books, and after I'm dead and gone people will always remember me. I guess that is what all of us average people want...deep down, not matter who you are. Eggheads, I'm not one of you, no matter how much I wish or try I just don't have the genes, so I don't know what you strive for deep down no matter what. Perhaps to know the truth of everything unknown? I want that too though. So maybe intellectuals are just average people too.

I want to be an individual. I want to be an individual, I want to be an individual. So I'm going to be an individual. Those of you who don't like it can as Melony Say's "Fuck 'em"!

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