Days and days have gone by without water and soap washing my body nor hair. I feel ugly, whats the point of trying to clean myself and make something ugly into something ugly with clean body, hair, and makeup. I do change my panties every morning, and right before I go to bed. I brush my teeth only because I have a rancid taste in my mouth when I wake up, and now I have a sore through and a swollen toung. Everyother day I have to change into clean clothes, and put my hair into a pony tail, put a dab of conceler on one or two red spots, and then I poweder my face to keep it from sweating. Now matter how much I poweder my face it still sweats, and I don't mean glistens, I mean sweats perfusely. If a police officer were to take me in and I had just been for a short walk, he would think I'm on ice or crack because of all the sweat that is pouring out of my pours.
On the every other days, I have to go to the Methadone clinic. Mon., Wed., and Fri. are the days I must put on clean clothes and be somewhat presentable to the outside world. I've stopped painting my eyes black, and my lips red, it just draws attention the extra face I have around the main structer of my head.
Today was one of those morning when I had to put on clean clothes, brush my teeth, dap some deoderant on my pits, and and dab some concealer on my red spots. No eye makeup, I just put on sunglasses. This morning I woke up late, I had wanted to wake up at seven, but I did pull myself out of bed until 9am. I had wanted to make my way down to China Town early to see if anyone had benzos. It is the begining of the month, and usually eveyone is up a 5am and already in China town, by 6am buying up the supply. Not this month though, our welfare got cut from 469 dollars, to 236 dollars, and our foodstamps was uped from 198 a month to 300 a month. The only people who were able to go downtown were the people who were able to part with 20,40,60, ot 80 bucks, and those were the people like me, which there are very few of. Oh yes, and the people who get Social Security Disablity, their benifits weren't cut, so they can still buy a lump sum, so they don't have to go downtown every other day, they only have to go down to China Town once a week, sometimes less, depending on how much they buy.
I got in the car at 9am, and had planned on going straight to china town, and then to the Methadone clinic to dose. As I was trying to get into the turn lane, I looked in my review mirror, and saw that there was no way I was getting in, so I continued on to the Methadone clinic. I knew that I was going to get there just in time for the nurse's break which is 15 minutes. Before I went up the elevator to the third floor where the clinic is I smoke a ciggy, and talked to some old black man about how to get free rides to the clinic in a Medical van. I just pretended to listen and nodded my head when called for. The only thing on my mind was the fact that I only had six Xanax bars left, and there probably wasn't going to be any out there, but then again I did have a chance because of the welfare cut.
I finshed my smoke, and caught a ride up to the third floor. I walked down the long corridor to the door where our waiting room is. There was only one person ahead of me, and she had brought her two year old son along. He was a beast, but it kept me entertained, and kept my mind off all the possbilites that could go wrong while making a purchase, if there was even any thing to purchase. I had even thought of buy some Methadone pills, since I've been going down on my dose when it gets dark out I can tell that my dose has woren off, and those are the times I start to get cunning, and lately I've been taking from the hand that feeds. When my parents drift to a peacefull sleep, I am up lurking in the kitchen trying to get the container where my father keeps all of his many pills, and find his Oxycodone pills, I usually only take two, but sometimes three are needed to curb the thoughts, and the familar stomach cramping, and muscle pain comming on, and after the three percocets, and and three benzo's kick in, I fll a bit better.
While waiting for my turn to dose, time seemed to fly by as I watched a two year old play, and scream with excitment, and when he got tired he would lay on his mommy's lap and suck his thumb. I watch that child in envy of his comfort and his ablity to be so easly entertained. I was second in line after the lady with child. I was in and out, and on my way down to China Town to look for some Xanax bars to buy.
The drive from the clinic to the place where I park my car seemed to take seconds. I got out of my airconditoned car, and the heat hit me right away. I park pretty far away from the mall, so it a few minute walk to the mall. With each pace I think negatively as always. As soon as get into the mall, I look around for familar faces, and see some, but not the faces I want to see. I see the faces of others like me. I walk over to Mark, a panhandler I know, and am freindly with. I always give a dollar, even once I gave him a 20. I know he has a crack habbit, but he is really dieing of liver cancer. He sells his pain pill, or most of them so he has money to survive for a month, the rest goes to his crack habbit.
After sitting with Mark for a few minutes I went over to see if anybody was over by the bus stop, and guess what there they were. Two of the familar faces I was looking for. I walked up and said hello, and the face I was happiest to see told me he has sold out this morning, and that eveyone else who was holding Xanax bars were charging $2.50 instead the regular $2.00 bucks. I went over to the guy, and he was wasted. I watched as he made a sale in plain veiw of any passerby. I told him I had 80 bucks, and he said lets go for a walk. So we went for a walk, and during the whole walk my freind was going on and on about how he was some kind of big shot, but he owed money, so that's why he was uping his price to $2.50. A bunch of bullshit. Finally we got to a private spot where there were no camera's just some guy behind us who wanted make a purchase after me. My friend shooed him away, and made him sit a few feet away while we did our business. I must remind you that my freind was messed up on Heroin, and Xanax. I had 80 dollars, and at 2.50 a peice I would get less than the 40 I normally got. So I'm watching as he is counting out these pills, and he would give me a handfull of 20 and say okay here is ten, and now I own you three more of handfulls of ten. Each of his handfulls of ten where more than ten sometimes 15, and another time 25. I didn't say anything. When the transaction was over he askes if he can buy back some of the pills. I asked how many, he said four, so I gave him four pills back, and he tried to pay me for the pills, and he was handing me a 20 dollar bill for four pills, he should have handed me 8 bucks. I told my friend to not worry about, he could take the four.
I said goodbye, my friend told me to be careful, and I asked him why he said that. It made me suspisous. He said, just be carefull, don't drive over the speed limit, and use your directionals. Which scared me even more because, how the fuck does he know I have a car today. He's only seen me take the bus. I also found it suspisous that he asked to buy some pills back from me. The whole deal made me feel uncomfortable. So on my walk back to my car, I by passed the mall completely, and walked way out of my way to get to my car. When I finally made it to my car, I was careful. I buckeled up as usual, and I drove the speed limit, used my dirctionals, and kept an eye in my review mirror to make sure nobody was following me. Every car seemed like they were following me. I was parinoid. I like to buy off my certin people, and I like to wear the same clothes each time, with exactly four squirts of body splash so as not to stinck. I have a routine. I had forgoten that yesterday my parents had boughten me new flip flops. Ahhhh fuck, new flip flops, no wonder.
I drove home, with a watchfull eye on every car behind me even every car three or four cars behind me. I know that vice likes to blend in, and they would keep at a distance, but not to far.
Finally I made it to my parking lot, all the cars that had followed me, had truned at the road before my road.
I was thankfull. I ended up getting 54 bars, for 80 bucks. 50 bars are worth 100 bucks.
I feel sickened to write about this. I'm such a stupid asshole for even buying the bar in the first place, and if I did need to buy, I only needed enough to ween myself off.
I must end this transmition, I am strugeling to keep my eyes open, and I can't even go over and spell check, and see if I missed words, or put words in the wrong order. I'm typing this with my eye's closed right now.
Thank you eveyone who reads this. Leave comments if you like, and I shall respond to each and everyone. My duty as a blogger is to be totally honest, and with you, as well as with myself, and to lear how to write better...like Heroinhead. Heroinhead has what is called real talent. I have what is called no talent.
May the force be with you.