Today was a day of looking for Xanax, anywhere and everywhere I could think of. I didn't find a single pill. This city is full of undercovers, and uniformed police scaring every would be seller of Xanax at home. Where does that leave me? Going to the ER, and giving all the signs of major panic attack, which I don't have to fake, I do have major panic attacks. I just am sick of suckering doctors into giving me a perscription of Xanax. I did that with Dilaudid in my home State, going from Doctor to Doctor getting perscriptions of Dilaudid.
I'm running dangoursly low on my Xanax, and I haven't been weening myself off as I always say I'm going to do...soon! As anyone with knowlege of addiction knows that the only two drugs that can kill you while detoxing from are, alcohol, and Benzodiazapins including, Xanax, Adavan, Librum, Clonazapam, Valium, so on and so forth, all these drugs have generic names too. So if I let my supply run out, I'm in danger of dying from Benzo withdrawl, which would piss me the fuck off. Dying of benzo detox, and not being able to use Heroin, or any other opiate to get high before I die.
I'm lowering my dose of Methadone, which is letting my Bi Ploar condition rear its ugly head again. None of the medication is working. I find that all I can think about is getting high, just feeling that euphoric feeling one more time, and then I start to think about how I'm going to get my parents to help me get into school in Seattle, and I know they can't help me right now because of this new house they are building, and if I get a job I fuck up my chance at getting SSDI, which I'm probably not going to get anyway, and then what?
I'm an Aquarius, I'm suppose to be the sign of abrubt change, but fuck I hate abrubt change. I hate not knowing what is going to happen to me. I could end up in the big house for seven months if I go back to Wisconsin. If I'm in Wisconsin, and I am off, or I still getting off, and then come off of Methadone , I can't get any opiates. I don't know anybody anymore, and I don't want to take any chances. My dad has his perscription, but he has become so tolerant to his medication he takes his full dose, if not more than his full dose every day. Which means if I were to try to use his Percocets to maintain I would be using up a painkiller my dad needs for his back pain.
This is the kind of shit that gets me into the suicide thinking. There is nothing for me in Wisconsin. I've lived there most of my life. Without Opiates to sustain my addictive personality I will probably live the alcoholic lifestyle that the rest of my family lives, but for some reason its okay to drink 24/7, but its not okay to take a pill to escape. We all have our vices. Mine is opiate addiction. I just want out of Wisconsin, and I'm being dragged back to the state. Then my parents will find some reason for me not to go to school in Washinton. Then God only knows what will happen. What if I get so fucked up in the head...craving opiates that I do something really stupid like trying to robb a pharmacy, and then what? Prison. Is that where I belong because I want to escape the thoughts that cricle my mind daily?
I so wish I would have contracted HIV when I knowing injected HIV+ blood into my veins three times. At least then I could die, and the doctors would give me a choice of what kind of quality of life I want to live, and I can choose opiates.
I injected myself with HIV+ blood almost five years ago come June, and still every single HIV test I get every six months comes back HIV non reactive.
I'm already feeling like a desperate junky again, and I'm still on my methadone. I would gladly give up the Xanax, but I'm addicted to taking pills whenever I feel even the slightest bit of discomfot emotionally. I even take it when I don't feel any emotion discomfort, I take just incase I should encounter some kind of emotional discomfort.
I really hate to say this, because I love my mother and father to death, and without them I would be lost, but without them I wouldn't have this overwhelming guilt, I wouldn't have anything holding me back from either self growth or self distruction. I know my dad has a life insurance policy, but its not much money. I don't even want the money, I just want to be free.
There I go again. Blaming my parents for holding me back, when in reality I could just go off and do as I please. I am a grown adult. Its my own personal guilt that is holding me back. Overcomming that guilt, is one of those hurdels that when I overcome it I will feel like....I have no idea what I will feel like, but I hope its good.
I want my parents around as long as they can possiably live. Without them I have no one.
I have to go and get smokes.
Thanks for reading my complaints, and whining.
I hope your life is in a much better place than mine is right now.
P.S. I wrote this blog fast, and didn't bother to spell check or even re read the blog to make sure all the words are in there. Sometimes...or all the time I miss words, and miss spell words making the blog horrid. Sorry.