Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm happy to say....

I happy to tell you, I am felony free. My warrent is class u misdermenor, which is low class. This means I can get Social Security benifits for my Mental illness. Yet today I called my worker at legal aid and told her that I can proceed with my claim, I also told her that I no longer want to proceed. I feel as though I can work, and want to work. If for whatever reason I get fired from all my jobs for saying innaproiate things, or for sexual harrassment again and again as I have in the past, I will apply for SS benfits again. For whatever reason my brain just doesn't have that thinn that makes me think before I talk. What I'm thinking I'm saying! Thats who I am!

The first time I was fired for sexual harrasment was at a job called APAC, it was a job where I answered the phone for a medical insurance company. At this job we didn't have cubicals, we had long rows of desks, and no divider between each person.
Fridays at APAC you could wear sweat pants to work, and as I alway would just roll out of bed and drive the 30 minutes to work, I loved sweat pants Fridays because it ment I didn't have to change.
The particular day I sexual harrassed my coworker was a Friday, and I was wearing sweats, as was my coworker. My coworker was female, and around my age. At the time I 18 and she was between 18 and 20. I don't even remeber her name. It doesn't matter anyhow.
So its Friday around 2pm, and there was a low call volume. Usually I brought a book with me to work so I could read during down time, but this particlar day I forogt my book, and in lue of the book to entertain me, I had my neighbor girl in the seat next to me. I don't remeber the exact conversation, I belive we were talking about how there were no cute guys on our shift. During said conversation I was looking at my sweat pants, and happened to notice there was a hole in the crotch of my pants. I was wearing underwear, but I turned to my co worker and showed her the hole in the crotch of my sweat pants, and I put my finger thru the hole, and said, "look at my penis, its so small like all the other men I work with".

On Monday I came into work, and I tried to log into my phone and computer and it wouldn't let me in, and then I saw my boss walking over to me. My boss asked me to accompany her in her office. I walked across the floor, to her office, and there was another person in the office. My boss asks me if I said, what I wrote above, and I said, "I sure did. Why"? Then she said, "Anna, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to terminate your position here at APAC due to Sexual Harassment". I was in shock, on Friday I was making my coworker laugh so hard she was peeing her pants, why in the world would she trun me in for sexual harrasment, then I figured it probably wasn't her, but someone around us, possiably the guy behind us who overherd our conversation, and was insulted that we didn't think he was attractive, and told on me.

This was my first time being fired for sexual harrasment. At this time in my life I had just began to experience hypermanic states, and hypomanic states. I didn't understand why I couldn't sleep for days on end, and why thoughts kept spinning in my head, and I felt so good, and artistic, and then a few weeks later I would fall into this deep dark pit of saddness, and wouldn't be able to come out of my room, much less talk to anyone. I wouldn't eat, and I would sleep as much as possiable. My parents just thought I would get the blues for a few weeks each month, and after that I was happy again. In manic states when I would get my paycheck I would go and buy a shit load of stuff I didn't need, and gifts for freinds, and my whole check was gone in one day. Classic sign of Manic Depression. It was in a depressive state I was in when I first used opiates. My dad had a script to Percocets. I took one and I thought all my problems where solved. Now I had a pill to pull myself out of my depressions, and when I got better I didn't need the pills, until I started using the percocets even when I was hypermanic.

I was not diagnosed Bi Polar until I was 23. After 4 very close attempts of suicide and dozens of not so close attempts.

Before when I was on Bi Polar meds such as Lithum, and Depacot, I would take them until I felt normal, and I would stop. Which is another sign of bi polar. Non complice with meds. At 23 I was taken off my parents insurance, and I no longer could see a phsyc doctor, or get my meds for free, my parents helped me go to free clinics, and get me meds, but when those meds ran out, and I had no more refills I would stop.

Now at 26, its the first time since my diagnosis that I've stayed compliant on my meds. Well I'm still not exactly compliant on all the meds. I don't take my lithum, because Lithum causes weight gain, so does Methadone, and Benzos, and I'm already on medication for a hypothyroid condition. I'm on .75mcg of Thyroxin, because my metabolism is slow due to my thyroid condition. The main reason I want off Methadone is because its makes me crave chocolate, and I eat only one kind of candy for a few months until I get sick of that candy and then I switch to a diffrent candy, and the benzo's make this even worse, which is my fault. I want off all the medications that are slowing down my metabolizm.

Dad and I plan on starting our morning routine again, next week. Which is, we go to 24 hour fitness and do the bike for 20 mins, the eliptical for 20 mins, and the row machine for 20 mins, and then weights for a half hour. I'm excited to start that routine again, because lately my dad has been depressed not changing out of his pj's all day unless he goes to the bar. I have to walk four times every day, first when I wake up to take Eleanor outside for potty, again to walk to seven eleven to get my candy, and then again around lunch time for Eleanor to go potty, and sniff, and again when the sun goes down for Eleanor

For some reason Anon's think I never get off the couch. When in reality I'm only on the couch between 7pm and 9pm, and then off to bed. They think to cop dope I only have to walk to the conor, no , no, I have to drive down to china town and find a parking spot which is usually at least a half mile away from where I go to cop. If my usual person is out, then I have to walk around all day looking for someone who is holding.

I am fat, and I hate it. Yet I stay on the Methadone instead of going back to using opiats IV, which I know for a fact makes me thin. So many people are ignorant to addiction. The fact that its not about willpower, it a physical addiction along with a mental addiction.

Read a book people. Read a book...a memoir of a families addiction. I recomend Beautiful Boy, for family member of addicts. Those non addicts out there have no idea the grip opiates, and opiods have over our brain chemstry, and hense our actions, and why we can't stop just because you want us to.

There is one good, KNOWLEGE, and there is one evil IGNORANCE!
~Socrates~

4 comments:

Melody said...

Good for you (SSI), I was going to tell you that if it wasn't a felony it should be cool, I have more warrants than I care to talk about back in Cali but since they aren't felonies it was all good with the feds. You should appeal your app, it's always nice to have something to fall back on and it doesn't mean you can't work, it just means that if you one day decide you aren't able to work, those benefits will be waiting for you. Plus the medical coverage is always a bonus.
Good Luck,
~Melody

Kat Skratch said...

Congrats! That's awesome! :) And I know what you mean about the weight thing, I completely feel you. I JUST reached back to my average weight today after dieting for 6 months to lose 15lbs. It took FOREVER. 2 summers ago I was in the under weight category and fuck I hate cocaine, but I loved looking like that. Now trying to lose it straight... Sigh. It's a battle. Hope you're well love.

Kat

AnnaGrace said...

Melody,

My dad told me the same thing verbatem. LOL! I am applying the decison, for that just incase, I keep get fired because I'm being me.

I need the insurance really badly.

Lots of Love
AG
XXX

AnnaGrace said...

Kat Skratch,

I've been trying to get my PCP to perscribe me Adderal, so I can loose weight easier. I was on adderal since I was in elementry school, and then after a suicide attempt on them in my early 20's they took me off them. I stayed thinner until I got on the damn Methadone.
Now I'm gonna have to work really hard to get thin, because I know my PCP isn't going to perscribe me anphetmines, I'm an addict for christ's sake, and for some stupid reason I told my doctor.

At least I have my thyroid meds, they are going to up my dose on my thryroxin, and they told me it should feel like adderal to me. NO appittet, and cleaning like a crazy bitch.

Lots of Love
AG
XXX