Thursday, May 21, 2009

just an quick update, not ready for a full blog post yet. Too much running around in my mind.

Things are not going so well with tapering my Methadone dose. Seeing as I don't have the money, nor the privacy to use Heroin, I'm feeling myself on a collison course with what I am not sure?
I've spent too much time looking into the abyss, instead of gathering my pride, and selfworth, and making a life for myself, I've lost myself in abyss. These past few days I've felt as if my word is falling apart. Soon I will be out of Hawaii, and God only knows where. I've made an agreement with my parents, but that agreement scares the shit out of me. I have this awfull feeling, as if I know something is going to change, and change, well I dislike change. I've found this out about myself. Mostly I don't like change alone, by myself. No longer having my parents or a boyfriend to live off, and lean on. I'm going to be leaning on myself, and living off my own abilites. Those of which I'm afraid I don't have enough of. I need to sustain my own life, my dogs life, and a habbit. I should have put it the other way, My dogs life, my habbit, and then my own life.

I'm fearing my parents death. After they are gone, I will be all alone. The world is cold and harsh when you don't have someone who loves as unconditonly as my mother and father love me. They may even love me to death literlly.

Two days ago, when fighting about my warrents, my dad told me, he would do the time for me in a second if he could. My father loves me fiercly, so fiercly that everytime I pull away, he feels holes being poked into him, after losing on daughter, and having only one left, one who is suicidal, and a junky, with no real intrest other than artsy stuff. My dad just wants to see me taken care of. His drinking hurts me, my using hurts him.

My mother is just stuck in the middle. My mother who is so positive, I just don't know how I can be so negative. I don't think my mother would care much if I went to jail, but my dad would suffer evey second I was locked up as if he himself were locked up.

I love my daddy

12 comments:

kelly Al-Saleh said...

I hate change too... that and instability.

You might surprise yourself, we're often more resilient than we think we are. Or rather we have a bit of both, vulnerabilities and resilience. You've made it this far and I'm sure you'll keep going.

I can see you have strong bond with your father, a bond with a bit of pain thrown in.

I hope it works out for the best. I am very much against forcing people into things even if it's for their own good because it deprives them of authority over their own life and choices and you need that for the hardest parts.

take care + big hugs

x Kelly

Gledwood said...

I know exactly how you feel. I decided to leave the country because I hate Britain. But the real reason I want to go is because if I stayed I would kill myself. Not from drugs but from despair...

Gledwood said...

ps that story I was going to tell you but never got round to was about suicide:

once I crossed someone I know who is a violent bullying thug. He threatened to cut my throat

next thing I knew I was actually looking for a glass bottle that I could break and put in his hand and say "well do it then"

of course I could not find any glass or anything sharp for love nor money

but that was the little story. I didn't tell it earlier as it doesn't really connect with anything ...

AnnaGrace said...

Kelly,

I hope to God I'm more resiliant than I think I am. I'm having the worst case senerio nightmares, and I've found that once you live a nightmare, its not so bad.

So who knows.

Thanks for the support.

AG

AnnaGrace said...

Gledwood,

Finally the story. I find it was revelant in a way. Both comments are revelant.

Yes, despair...it is a emotion I often wish I could live without.

AG

AnnaGrace said...

For some reason I only got anon's comment in my email box, but it was a comment on this post. It was a rude stupid comment.

Just mad that I'm spending their hard earned cash on drugs.

AG

sKILLz said...

Whats up girl?
I think no addict like change.
We love to stay how we are and keep things going the same.
The steps your talking about are big ones and I REALLY commend you on being able to take them!
Good for you!
Seems like your parents are really cool, and all they really want is the best for you.
I'm sure your father drinking hurts you. Unlike my own father he does not take his anger out on you and be grateful for that.
I think your mother just wants whats best for you and your father.
She probably sees alot of your father in you because of the addiction part you know?

Listen whatever happens, you know how to holla at me so dont be a stranger ya digg?
Stay Up!

Anonymous said...

*hugs*
you can get through this... you can get through anything. i can't tell you to stay positive and that everything will be wonderful because nobody knows what's going to happen. i can tell you that i feel like i know you from reading your blog, and you're a tough girl with a strong spirit. don't let the drugs keep you down any longer, you have so much to fight for and to live for. if only we could see ourselves through other people's eyes... i think many addicts feel so shitty about themselves they can't possibly imagine a future, happiness, success. but please, i'm on the same road you are, let's fight it together. you are never alone.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

What's up, Anna? I miss your posts.

Love,

SB

Smack Happy said...

Hay AG -

You haven't posted in nearly a week...that's not like you. Everything okay?

AnnaGrace said...

I'm fine, I just didn't want to bore anyone to death with my boring life, and my worring.

Thanks for the kick in the ass, I just finished a blog for all to read. It nothing interesting, but its an update.

It feels nice that Smack Happy is worried. Thank you!

Love
AG
XXX

Smack Happy said...

Aww, shucks....:)