Things are not going so well with tapering my Methadone dose. Seeing as I don't have the money, nor the privacy to use Heroin, I'm feeling myself on a collison course with what I am not sure?
I've spent too much time looking into the abyss, instead of gathering my pride, and selfworth, and making a life for myself, I've lost myself in abyss. These past few days I've felt as if my word is falling apart. Soon I will be out of Hawaii, and God only knows where. I've made an agreement with my parents, but that agreement scares the shit out of me. I have this awfull feeling, as if I know something is going to change, and change, well I dislike change. I've found this out about myself. Mostly I don't like change alone, by myself. No longer having my parents or a boyfriend to live off, and lean on. I'm going to be leaning on myself, and living off my own abilites. Those of which I'm afraid I don't have enough of. I need to sustain my own life, my dogs life, and a habbit. I should have put it the other way, My dogs life, my habbit, and then my own life.
I'm fearing my parents death. After they are gone, I will be all alone. The world is cold and harsh when you don't have someone who loves as unconditonly as my mother and father love me. They may even love me to death literlly.
Two days ago, when fighting about my warrents, my dad told me, he would do the time for me in a second if he could. My father loves me fiercly, so fiercly that everytime I pull away, he feels holes being poked into him, after losing on daughter, and having only one left, one who is suicidal, and a junky, with no real intrest other than artsy stuff. My dad just wants to see me taken care of. His drinking hurts me, my using hurts him.
My mother is just stuck in the middle. My mother who is so positive, I just don't know how I can be so negative. I don't think my mother would care much if I went to jail, but my dad would suffer evey second I was locked up as if he himself were locked up.
I love my daddy