Today, what do I have to say about today? I had planned on calling a certain person to buy some Xanax, but I have enough left to keep me satisfied for the next two or three days. So its a Sunday, a day to relax, millions of people didn't do anything interesting today. I shouldn't feel so bad about laying around eating butterfingers, and sleeping my life away.
The thing is its not just Sunday's that I do nothing. The one thing I look forward to is taking my Methadone dose, and even that has become mundane, so I take six mgs of Xanax with my Methadone. After I've taken my dose, I take Eleanor for her walk, go to Seven Eleven pick up smokes for the family, and my daily dose of sweets. Then I watch a bit of morning television to keep up on current events, and after that its off to one of the bedrooms to read a book. After I start to nod off, I try to keep myself awake by logging on the internet, and checking my emails. Replying to comments. After that its off to la la land for about 8 hours. I sometimes wake up if I'm craving a sweet. I'll look all over the house for something sweet to eat, and after finding nothing, I end up walking over to the seven eleven yet again for two more butterfingers.
When I walk outside, I see all these happy people, wearing nothing but a tiny weeny itsy bitsy polka dot bikinis, and in my mind I think wow, I wish I could look that good in a bathing suit, I once did...only two years ago. I should go down to the internet cafe and scan a photo of me two years ago in Florida wearing a med size bikini as my before shot, and then a photo of me in my new swimsuit, which is a surf top which like a t-shirt that is made of swim suite material, and pair of biking shorts. I feel as though I just don't belong. Last summer living here I belonged, i was thin, using, had something to do everyday.
Now that I'm on Methadone, and fat, I don't belong. All these things I cannot blame on anybody but myself. Now that I'm getting off the Methadone, I feel like I have to make a major change. I can either stop using all together, move back to Wisconsin face my legal issues, go to jail for seven months. On the other hand I could move back to Wisconsin for one month, let my parents help me get started in Seattle, go to school, struggle to stay clean. Back in Wisconsin after I get out of jail, I could always just start using my dad pain pills again, and relive the past 6 years all over again. Both states will be hard to move to. Living with my parents is just something I do not want to do anymore.
I'm not ready stop using, opiates are number one. I hate to say that. It makes me a horrible daughter, a horrible cousin, niece, grand daughter, a horrible person.
All these changes, all these changes need to be made, but in reality I'm not making them for myself. I wish I was, but its my father who is making the decisions on how my life should work out. I feel like once I'm free of my father I will be free to be me.
How could I say that? He only wants the best for me, but I'm not like them. I don't want those things. I want to be thrust out into the world on my own, nobody to answer to, get SSDI, or get a job. Go to school, meet people, make words, and songs, and paintings.
I hate to say this, but if by the time I turn 27, and I'm in the same position I'm in, living my life for my parents, I think it is time to turn the guilt on them. I'm trying hard, I'm pulling myself out of their spider web, and trying to make it on my own. I've made mistakes, I've made big mistakes. I've learned from these mistakes, and after I'm on my own, what happens is my doing.
I want to make a life for myself, a life I enjoy. I could die in my sleep tonight, never even getting a chance to more with my life, than the goal I set of becoming an Heroin addict.
I feel like when I hit my 30's it over for me. All I have claim to is the fact that I was, or perhaps still am a using Heroin addict. With my luck I'll live to be 100 years old. I'll out live everyone. I'll be the old made listening to Nirvana, and blaming my parents for my life of worthlessness.
Which is a lie, I am holding myself back.
Anna Grace, get the courage to make your decision, go against what your parents want you to do, and do what I want to do, or go along with my what my parents want me to do, and let the chips fall where they may.
Sorry, nothing exciting to write today. Just needed to get this off my chest once again. I keep having horrible panic attacks whenever I let these thoughts roll around in head over and over, and over, until I can't breath, and I'm in my closet crying. Trying to keep my sadness a secret so I don't make my parents feel guilty.
Nothing more to say right now. Soon the change will be made.
Thanks for reading my blog.
Lots of love,