Monday, May 4, 2009

A life worth living, or is it?

Today, what do I have to say about today? I had planned on calling a certain person to buy some Xanax, but I have enough left to keep me satisfied for the next two or three days. So its a Sunday, a day to relax, millions of people didn't do anything interesting today. I shouldn't feel so bad about laying around eating butterfingers, and sleeping my life away.

The thing is its not just Sunday's that I do nothing. The one thing I look forward to is taking my Methadone dose, and even that has become mundane, so I take six mgs of Xanax with my Methadone. After I've taken my dose, I take Eleanor for her walk, go to Seven Eleven pick up smokes for the family, and my daily dose of sweets. Then I watch a bit of morning television to keep up on current events, and after that its off to one of the bedrooms to read a book. After I start to nod off, I try to keep myself awake by logging on the internet, and checking my emails. Replying to comments. After that its off to la la land for about 8 hours. I sometimes wake up if I'm craving a sweet. I'll look all over the house for something sweet to eat, and after finding nothing, I end up walking over to the seven eleven yet again for two more butterfingers.

When I walk outside, I see all these happy people, wearing nothing but a tiny weeny itsy bitsy polka dot bikinis, and in my mind I think wow, I wish I could look that good in a bathing suit, I once did...only two years ago. I should go down to the internet cafe and scan a photo of me two years ago in Florida wearing a med size bikini as my before shot, and then a photo of me in my new swimsuit, which is a surf top which like a t-shirt that is made of swim suite material, and pair of biking shorts. I feel as though I just don't belong. Last summer living here I belonged, i was thin, using, had something to do everyday.

Now that I'm on Methadone, and fat, I don't belong. All these things I cannot blame on anybody but myself. Now that I'm getting off the Methadone, I feel like I have to make a major change. I can either stop using all together, move back to Wisconsin face my legal issues, go to jail for seven months. On the other hand I could move back to Wisconsin for one month, let my parents help me get started in Seattle, go to school, struggle to stay clean. Back in Wisconsin after I get out of jail, I could always just start using my dad pain pills again, and relive the past 6 years all over again. Both states will be hard to move to. Living with my parents is just something I do not want to do anymore.

I'm not ready stop using, opiates are number one. I hate to say that. It makes me a horrible daughter, a horrible cousin, niece, grand daughter, a horrible person.

All these changes, all these changes need to be made, but in reality I'm not making them for myself. I wish I was, but its my father who is making the decisions on how my life should work out. I feel like once I'm free of my father I will be free to be me.

How could I say that? He only wants the best for me, but I'm not like them. I don't want those things. I want to be thrust out into the world on my own, nobody to answer to, get SSDI, or get a job. Go to school, meet people, make words, and songs, and paintings.

I hate to say this, but if by the time I turn 27, and I'm in the same position I'm in, living my life for my parents, I think it is time to turn the guilt on them. I'm trying hard, I'm pulling myself out of their spider web, and trying to make it on my own. I've made mistakes, I've made big mistakes. I've learned from these mistakes, and after I'm on my own, what happens is my doing.

I want to make a life for myself, a life I enjoy. I could die in my sleep tonight, never even getting a chance to more with my life, than the goal I set of becoming an Heroin addict.

I feel like when I hit my 30's it over for me. All I have claim to is the fact that I was, or perhaps still am a using Heroin addict. With my luck I'll live to be 100 years old. I'll out live everyone. I'll be the old made listening to Nirvana, and blaming my parents for my life of worthlessness.
Which is a lie, I am holding myself back.

Anna Grace, get the courage to make your decision, go against what your parents want you to do, and do what I want to do, or go along with my what my parents want me to do, and let the chips fall where they may.

Sorry, nothing exciting to write today. Just needed to get this off my chest once again. I keep having horrible panic attacks whenever I let these thoughts roll around in head over and over, and over, until I can't breath, and I'm in my closet crying. Trying to keep my sadness a secret so I don't make my parents feel guilty.

Nothing more to say right now. Soon the change will be made.

Thanks for reading my blog.

Lots of love,

Anna Grace
XXX

11 comments:

Fishwhiskers said...

Hi Anna, me again ... boring old Fishwhiskers :-) My advice, for what it's worth, is: Always do what YOU want to do, never do it for somebody else! But make an informed decision. What I usually do before coming to a decision, is 'dream' the options ... day dream that is. I really vividly imagine the results. Just a mundane example: I recently decided that I would quite like a second dog. Weeks before making the final decision, I thought about this new dog all the time. In every thing I was doing, I imagined the dog to be there. I 'dreamed' all the pro's and con's, all the things that might and might not happen ... and then decided to adopt this very cute Lab x Border Collie. It was one of the best decisions I have made. This principle I apply to everything that is important to me, and surprisingly it works. I feel I am less and less making bad decisions, which I later regret. Ok, it does happen, but not commonly anymore.

Lots of love and a hug across the continents. K xxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hiya, doll. Using does not make you a horrible person. It's just a choice like anything else. Some choices are better than others.

You are smart and a really good writer. I think you should go for the education. You are right, there is a time to stop living with your folks and to step out on your own. But the choices are yours to make.

Hang in there,

SB

Melody said...

Hey Miss AnnaGrace, just wanted to stop in and say hello. You know my feelings on guilt and I think the healthiest thing by far is to let it go. It serves no purpose sweetie, it is a draining, useless emotion and all the guilt in the world won't change the past.
You are not a horrible person, you are just prone to questionable judgement, as am I, as are alot of people. It's the human condition that we make bad decisions and rarely learn from our mistakes, so be it.
I am an unrepentant fuck up and I have come to see it as a good thing, I have embraced by fuck-up-ed-ness! Never let anyone make you feel inferior Anna, don't give them that power over you.
Take care and take comfort sweetie, things are never as awful as they seem.
~Melody

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

listen to the Melody, Anna... She's just spoke an awful lot of sense.


And you're not a horrible person... you're a loving sweet person. the weight with the methadone... I know it's horrible, it happened to me. for the first tuime in my life I became fat... not just ut on weight became fat. but methadone fat is really srange. It makes the face an head fat and round. My mother is still on 50ml of meth a day... she was stick thin when she started and now she's like a tent with a football for a head.... I was the same. One good thing, once you get down to around 20ml a day, your appetite will fade and you'll be ale to shed the weight. So it's not permanant.... don't forget that. In 3 months I lost all my methadone fat and got down to my proper weight again.

Take care Anna... Shane.x

AnnaGrace said...

I love u Fishwiskers, your not old or boring. I love reading what you have to say. I like the example you made today, and am woking on actually putting it to use. Hopefully no panic attacks will ensue when I start wieghing the pros and cons. Ahhh I got Xanax for that. LOL! (sorta not funny but...)

Thanks for the advice, its worth trying. Can't hurt. Right?

Lots of love
Anna Grace
XXX

You have alot to share, and I love to listen/read what you have to say.

AnnaGrace said...

SB,

Your right using doesn't make me a bad person, and in reality I don't believe that I am a bad person for using, but the people whom I surrounded by day in and day out think using makes me a bad person. Maybe not bad person, but not useful. Know what I'm saying?

I am going for the education. I have to. If I want to be useful. LOL, god I make myself laugh. I should just write comments to myself. lol, there I did it again. Shit okay I'm done.

Thanks for the kind words. An ego boost never hurt anyone too much. Except those people who go on the telly show Big Brother, I love that show. Do you have over in the UK?

Lots of Love
Anna Grace
XXX

P.S. about writing down exactly what I was thinking at that moment. I need an editor.

Kat Skratch said...

I agree with the sentiments of my comrades who commented before I did. Hang in there. Keep writing. BREATHE. Guilt is a horrible thing to carry around with you.
And besides, I think you have a sweet face! I hope you kick the methadone weight, as I've tried to kick the weight I've gained after quitting coke. It's HARD. I'm not even there yet.
I want the best for you. Keep up the writing. I'm a fan.

AnnaGrace said...

Shane,

Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not always going to have this gigantic head, and face, and ass, and belly. I've been going down on my dose, I went from 130 to 117, then I took a two week break, and now I'm on my way back down. 116 baby, whoop whoop! I'm gonna have to get jiggy with it. I'm not sure what jiggy means, but rappers say it, so I should do it. I'm gonna have to look up the word Jiggy.

I mean it though, really thanks for keeping my hopes up. Your a great person, all of you are.

I so wish I were Melody. Why is it so damn hard for me to just waste my time on feeling guilty. Its like the black plague, or the Swine Flu.

AnnaGrace said...

Mel,

I wish I were you, I wish I could meet you in person, and learn from you. Your just what I need. A good dose of Fuck 'em with Melody!

I love you to peices Mel.Thanks for stopping in to say hello, and always reminding me not to let the guilt make decisons for me.

Lots of Love,
Anna Grace
XXX

P.S. Are you still in contact with Sarah? I haven't herd from her in a while. I've pretty much stopped messing with my Myspace blog. Just wondering if she's okay.

Anonymous said...

keep going anna
someday things will get better

Anonymous said...

Anna, my belief is that I am no better and no less than anyone else.
It is hard to remember at times I know as I too struggle with addiction.