Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Methadone is like castration to me.

Does everyone see that there is a scheduled outage at 2am PDT on Wednesday 5/13? I guarantee that I will come up with the most entertaining, well written blog on that day at that exact time, and I'll go to post, and won't be able to. I've had ample warning, so my subconscious is going to remember this outage, and then bring forth a blog that belongs with the dead sea scrolls it is poignant and eloquent.

That is just how my life is. At least I have a paper journal, and if comes to me then, I can write it down and post it later.

This morning, I just didn't want to wake up. I could hear my parents walking around, making coffee, and eggs, and watching morning TV, but I made myself fall back to sleep. I just wanted to sleep through the morning. Except when my parents woke me up with there morning business, I opened my mouth, and it tasted rancid. I had to get up and brush my teeth. So I jumped out of bed, rinsed my mouth out, brushed my teeth, all with my eyes only half open, and jumped back in bed.

In the morning I seem to have more REM sleep than during the night, or at least I remember my dreams much better when I sleep in later. This morning around 10:30am I was having this amazing dream. I was in this bedroom, with one wall painted red. I've always wanted to have one wall in my room painted red, but I've never done it. When I looked out the window of this bedroom, I could see that I was in Washington State, because it was cool out, and the sky was gray, and I just knew rain was on its way. I also knew that the rain would last a while, but afterword, the smell of spring would be in the air. Flowers blooming everywhere. I knew when I walked out of this room, and out of the house this room was in, it would be the perfect temperature. I could read all day long on the grass outside after the rain stopped, and while it rained I work on my book. I knew I had friends I looked forward to seeing. Then I realized I felt like I had just injected the perfect amount of Heroin the vein in my upper arm. I was high in this room, and watching the grey clouds threatening rain, and feeling the air temperature cool. I was so happy in this dream. It was as if my brain while asleep allowed a rush of endorphins, just as if it would after a shot of H.

Suddenly I wake up to Eleanor barking to get on my bed with me. I realize that my feet are freezing. A rare feeling here in Hawaii. Which is probably why my dream put me in that perfectly cool room, with the gray sky, and the feeling of being high. I got out of bed, and went into the living room where both my parents were watching "Driving Miss Daisy", and my mom had pulled the love seat from my parents bedroom into the living room so she could lay down on a couch, just like my dad. So I had a overstuffed chair to sit in. I watched the ending of Driving Miss Daisy, and then my mom went in her room to take a nap, and my dad to the bar. Leaving me alone. I got my book out and read. Its called beautiful Boy, it a book from a fathers point of view about his sons drug addiction. It mentions Kurt Cobain a number of times. Which started to make me angry, but then I realized, Kurt Cobain is a famous person of who drugs overtook his life, and tough love just didn't work. As we all know. While reading there was a sentence about Leonard Cohen, and suddenly I had this overwhelming need to listen to his music, and read his poetry. Now I have this overwhelming need to buy one of his novels.

I went on Rhapsody and found Leonard Cohen, and I sat and listen for two hours to every song on two albums. I seriously lost myself, and found myself. It was a visceral experience. I just knew...I now know something I didn't before, and I feel like I needed to find this out before I could go forward in my life, in this world, and with art. I have it now, and I know what has to be done. I just have to get it done. I am a lazy person, but I have to do it, and I can't be this lazy. When it comes to something I love I will do it, because I have to do it. Writing is something I love, and music is something I love, along with painting.

As far as Heroin in my life, well that is still up in the air. I just wish I could be a functioning addict. I must write, and make art before I loose myself to my one true love.

I must go now. Thank you for reading. I so want to get high, I hate this Methadone...its like being castrated. I'm not kidding.

1 comment:

Kat Skratch said...

Yup. The outage is gunna drive me crazy too, I'm sure of it. Good luck with the methadone... :)