Sunday, May 31, 2009

Off subject, on subject, and all over the place, not neat.

What's up peeps? Not that you want to know, here plans are changing minute to minute. Yesterday, I was told my parents couldn't get the loan they needed to build the house in our hometown in Wisconsin. BTW, its scary and pathetic how many people don't how to find any state but the state they live in on a map. I understand if your from Europe, but if you live in America, and can't find Wisconsin on a map you fell through the cracks of the educational system. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I know where all 50 States are on a map of America. I can find each country in Europe and Asia on a map too. Geography people.
Sorry, about the tangent, but today my parents are telling me they can get a loan and have the house built before Christmas. So when I come home for the Holiday's I will have a new family home to come home to. Thank goodness the house will be built in the country area of our hometown, so I won't have to go into town and mingle with people I'd rather not see at this point in my life. Not because I don't like them, but because I'm pretty pathetic right now.


I've also found a way to keep myself out of jail, (knock on wood) if I do go back to Wisconsin and turn myself in, I would first have my parents go to a judge and give them power of attorney to put me in a Mental institution. Where I could be properly medicated, get the psychological help I need, for the first time in my life take all my bi polar meds as prescribed. Even my Lithium, which I hate because it takes away that spark of life I feel inside of myself. Without that spark I'm not me, I'm just some drone in Anna's body. Anyway, I believe that if I'm a ward of the state in a mental institution, I won't be transferred to jail. Where I would get none of the help I needed to become a working useful member of society. I would also get on Bupronorphine and get off Methadone, and by the time I'm healthy enough to be released from jail, I will be drug free, and have actually real self esteem. Me with self esteem, I wouldn't know what that feels like.

So I might go back to Wisco to get my record cleared up, and asap fly over to Seattle, go to school, and keep my self-esteem. Although there is a chance that my bi polar can't be medicated, and I will forever suffer from the Hypermania, and Hypo-mania. Heaven and Hell as I like to call them. Plus I'm a duel diagnosis. I have an addiction and a Mental health problem. I've never been in a rehab that specialized in duel diagnosis. which is probably why every time I got out of any kind of treatment inpatient, and outpatient. I was shooting up dope asap. IF it was outpatient treatment I'd just use clean pee from dead head stores, and while inpatient I was kicked out both time for using while in. Well I was kicked out once, and skipped out the second time because my PO told me I would never be able to go back on MMT. Which made me so angry I wanted to get a lawyer to fight the fact that Methadone is a treatment program, with better odds than a 28 day inpatient program, and that it was because of the stigma attached to MMT that I was not allowed go back on that treatment, and instead was forced to be put into a facility that couldn't help me, because I was duel diagnosis. My PO was an idiot. He had no idea what to do with someone like me, with bipolar, and an IV Heroin user. He thought if I got off drugs I would be cured of my mental illness.

I'm sorry, I've totally digressed. My parents cannot make up their mind on what to do with me, or with themselves. I have to stop writing I'm nodding. Sorry.

Me with self esteem, what would that be like?

7 comments:

Smack Happy said...

I like your new pics, Anna. You really are a pretty girl - and would be even prettier with some self-esteem.

I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Hang in there.

gledwood said...

building your own house is pretty cool...

the Brits are famously terrible at geography and I've heard Americans are only worse, so congratulations on your atlas-handiness..!!

Kat Skratch said...

Well, I know for a fact I can point every state out on a map, still tell you their capitols, and occasionally a random fact about every state... LOL.

I also like your new pics, and hope everything works out! :)

Kat

AnnaGrace said...

Thanks Smack Happy, I went and found some pictures where I actually look semi good. In every single picture I have on my blog I was high as a kite, so in my mind, being clean makes me fat and ugly. Which is a reason I want to keep using until it kills me. Is that way too vain?

Thanks for hoping for me. I really want it to work out the way it needs to. I'm hanging, hopefully not in a jail cell. LOL!

AnnaGrace said...

Gleds,

My paretns are building their own house. Not me. Since I've been born my parents have built three homes. After about five years they get sick of the house, and the state, etc..., and they ended up draging me and Angie all over the fucking place. Although we still think of Oconto Falls Wisconsin as our home town. Were both I and Angie graduated, and its where Angie is buried.

Damn it, I can't see you other comment about Not know geography and only 20% of America's have passports. I don't have one. Wish I did, but until I get my warrent cleared up.

Also, my dad lived in Germany for sometime, and he said it is the one counrty in Europe that is almost exactly like Wisconsin. Wisconsin is full of German imigrants, and its because the countryside looks alike, same trees, same weather, and such. I belive I have a bit of German in me, but mostly I'm Irish.

Gleds, from the bottem of my heart I hope things work out for you. You have what it takes to write, to entertain. You write in diffrent languages...you must get published. You will get published if you put your mind to it.

Yes, the Great Lakes are on the boarder of American and Canada. I had no idea that it was like Finland. Someday I will see Europe I promise.

I hope when you move you keep up on your blogs.

All my love,
Anna Grace
XXX

AnnaGrace said...

Kat Scratch,

So you have that song memorized that keeps the states and the capitols memorized in our minds. I can't recall every capitol, but I think I could do at least half.

Tonight is Conan O'Brian's first night hosting The tonight Show, so I must go. Sorry I couldn't complete the comment.
Still all my love to you
Anna Grace
XXX

Anonymous said...

Ana, love the new pics, you are a pretty girl and I hope you cam overcome your current obstacles.