Wednesday, May 13, 2009

This is how it ends...

I watch as the smiles drain from their faces, and I wonder why. Is it sad to watch me die? I know I hurt you a million times, and hurting you has hurt me more than any word can express. I am guilty, too guilty. I ice and my family is fire, and they have melted me. I'm now just a puddle on the floor. They never see me when I cry. I keep it way down, so far down, and when it comes up I don't know where to put it. I try to bury it again, but it won't go down, and I'm forced to face it.

What have I become? Just another one of you. Thats all I am. Thats all that you are. We exist a few thousand days and then we die. Some have fewer days than others, and some have more days. Either way it ends. Then what? I have to face the things I didn't do, write a song, and play it for an audience, publish a book, and paint your protrait. I never got to live in Seattle, or New York, only here and there.

The only thing is, I've dissapointed you, all I do is dissapoint. When you remind me of all the dissapoinment I've put you thru, all the sleepless nights you endured worrying about me. You always remind me, and I cannot forget, even if you don't remind me.

I wish I had done it all right, and you would have been proud if only for a moment. Tomorrow I could be gone and so could you. I moving on, and moving out. Its hard, and somehow I know your right, but I need to be alone. I'm letting too many days pass, without doing what has to be done.

So takecare of yourselves, and try your best not to worry. I moveing on.


Anonymous said...

Anna keep going,
dont give up
someday things will get better
they HAVE to get better.
Dont give up....
god bless you.

Kat Skratch said...

I agree with anonymous. And I live in Seattle... When you get here you'll have a friend :)

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Never give up Anna, please don't do that to yourself.
Go into the night raging loudly.
Love Ya
Nick XX

Anonymous said...

You have to stay, it's not your time.
Hate to break the news . . .

You're needed more than you think.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You do need to get out on your own, Anna. I think it's a good decision.

You are an adult. You need to live your life.

Wishing you the best and much love,


Anonymous said...

this is not how it ends, your story has so many more chapters left to be written...

AnnaGrace said...

Thanks everyone, I'm blushing. This was written at moment of weakness. My methadone wears off at around 8pm, and if I can't get my hands on any kind of opiate I just freak out, and swear to myself that I won't kill myself until I've had one last time to inject opiates into my veins, and feel that high...if only just once more.
I'm still at too high of a dose to feel that warm child like feeling when I use some kind of Opiate, or opioid.

Sometimes I just want a bag full of liquid Fentanyl, so I could go up into the mountains, and (where its cool) use that bag up until there is just enough to end the cycle of madness addiction creates.

Brother Frankie said...

i know.. i know i know...

you started this by inviting me. and it is sunday.. i already preached..its a beautiful Florida day...

i am not in physical pain, nor sick..

out at starbucks, then by my pool, reading your ponderings..

i truly understand that childlike warmth you are talking about..

cliche #1 that i have put my life on =
GOD LOVES ME (insert annagrace)

cliche #2 that i have put my life on =
God has a plan for me (insert annagrace again)

you are still loved.
Brother Frankie

Anonymous said...

Thank you Brother Fankie, I would say I'm an atheist, but perhaps agnostic.

I enjoy your views very much, and love reading your comments. The get me thinking. I pray eventhough I don't belive in heaven or hell.

You are truly loved Brother Frankie

All my love,
Anna Grace