Sunday, June 28, 2009

Another suicide in the family....

Yesterday the phone rings, its only 4am here in Hawaii. It is 9am back in Wisconsin. My Grandma's sister got a phone call from her son that he was going to kill himself. Of course my great Aunt tried talking him out of it, and called her daughter to drive the two hours to his home to check on him.

When they got there, my second cousin who is only a in his mid 40's is no where to be found. He lives in a farm house in the country, with 40 acres all around him. My great aunt and her daughter call the police. The Sheriff comes to the home, and brings a search party. It took the search party a short time to find him.

On the land there is a large pond. One of the police officer's noticed that there was clothes leading to the pond. Then all the officer's were gathered by the pond, and they saw his naked body floating about the pond. It has just turned summer in Wisconsin, finally warm enough to go for a swim.

The night my second cousin called his mom, and told her he was going to kill himself, he had told her he had took a bottle of pills, and washed them down with a bottle of booze. After he hung up with his mother, he probably cried, wrote a note, and then went for walk. I'm told Yesterday was a very warm day with temps in the upper 80's and at night the temp only dropped into the upper 70's. Warm for a person who lives in Wisconsin. A warm calm night. He was drunk, sad, lonely, scared, guilty, sick, worried, love lorn, every emotion running the gammat. As we all know Alcohol is a depressant. When your sad, you should never go on a drinking binge to make you feel better, because all it does is make it worse. The pain is still there, but you have more courage to get rid of the pain, to kill yourself.
He walked into that pond, and nobody knows what he was thinking aside from death, probably how peaceful it would be to not have all these problems. He was facing prison time, his wife of 19 years filled for divorce, he had no children, he was always a free spirit. Like everyone in my family he was a drinker. He was facing prison time because he was caught drinking and driving for the fifth time, and that means, no more county jail, but real prison.
He walked into the pond alive, because the cause of death was drowning. He maybe swam around a bit, and then went under and took a deep breath filling his lungs with water. He would have lost conscience within 3 to 4 minutes, by 10 minutes with no air he was brain damaged, which is probably when he felt an overwhelming feeling of comfort. Everyone who dies slowly, and is brought back they describe this point where everything is right, everything is nothing, and nothing is everything. The world is as it should be in that one moment. The brain shutting down, the conscience leaving the body as energy.

Rest in peace John Rice.

I feel for my great aunt, outliving her son, knowing he took his own life, and calling her to tell her he was going to do it. Its so selfish, and sickening, but when sadness overwhelms you and all you can see is the blackest of the black, nothing to look forward to, and the only way out is death.

I have the suicide genes, that is for sure. Most of my idols have taken their own lives. Hunter S. Thomson, Hemingway, Kurt Cobain, Elliott Smith. No, they don't make suicide glamours, they remind me of what a tragedy it is to leave behind the ones you love, leaving them blaming themselves. Sylvia leaving her children behind, probably living with the thought that it was because of them she took her own life. We always blame ourselves. When in reality it was their choice.

I am so sorry for everyone he left behind. You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.

Anna Grace.

P.S. Don't drink booze when your sad or depressed.


sKILLz said...

RIP John Rice
No you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
It sucks really it does!
I truly feel bad for his mother or aunt you said? There the ones who are left with the aftermath, and have to bury him, and ask the same questions over and over.
So many times they will blame themselves as well.
It's fucked up ALL around!
Stay Up!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Anna. God bless.



AnnaGrace said...

Thanks Skillz. It is fucked up all around.
Miss hearing from you. I know I'm flaky when comes to emailing peeps on a regular basis, but I always reply. So if you want to vent, lay it on me. K?

Love ya,
Anna Grace

AnnaGrace said...

Thanks SB!

Fishwhiskers said...

Sorry to hear about your loss, Anna. And you're right, the person needs to want to be saved if there is to be any hope. RIP John Rice. x