What's happening in Anna Grace land you ask? Well, well lets see, Monday was a pain in the ass. I got up early to go to the Methadone clinic, because I now have to attend a NA meeting at the clinic every Monday morning from 9am to 11am. If I don't go to these meetings, I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm sure something bad will happen. Anyway, I woke early but not early enough. I had no time to walk Elle, so I threw on some clothes, and ran out the door to get to the car. I get in the car, and put the key in the ignition and what do you know...the engine dosen't start. So being thinking it would start if I kept turning the key I kept turning the key until I realized it just wasn't going to happen. By now I only have a half hour to get to the clinic. So I walk the half block from where our car is parked, up the stairs to our lobby, and then push the button for the elevator. The elevator takes its time coming down, as if its trying to piss me off. Finally the door opens, and I get in and push my number. *Sigh*, but oh no, the fucking elevator stops at every floor to let people in on our ride up, so what normally is a 48 second ride up to the 14th floor, took 2 or 3 minutes. By now I'm not just peeved I'm fuming. I forgot to mention that it was 100+ degrees outside not including the humidity. Even our air conditioned apartment was hot because the damn sun shines directly into our living room in the morning.
I get to the my apartment, I through the keys at my dad, and shout, "the cars not starting, and I don't have time to tell you about it". I run into my room, grab my bike, and get the bike out of my room, whilst spilling the dogs water bowl, and food bowl everywhere, and Eleanor is barking like I'm leaving her alone at auschwitz. So I get my bike down the hall to the Elevator, and push the button, I wait another, what seemed like hour for the elevator to pick me up and bring down, and of course the elevator that stops for me is full, but I said fuck it, and I just rammed my bike in there, and ran over toes and whatever was in my way to get me and my bike down to the ground floor, so I can ride it to the bus stop. I saw the dirty looks everyone was giving me as we went down that elevator shaft. I didn't care, I was sweating like pig, sweat was getting in my eyes, and burning them. I didn't have a free hand to wipe the sweat away with so I just dripped my bodily fluids all over that damned elevator.
We get to the ground floor, and I'm the first off the elevator, and down the stairs to the sidewalk. I jump on my bike, but my purse in the basket, pull out my buss pass put it around my neck and ride my bike to closest bus stop that takes me straight to the Methadone clinic. The bus rolls up, and its time for me to put my bike on the front of the buss in the rack. I've never done this before, so here I'm standing in front of this bus, trying to figure out how to drop this bike rack, and the sweat is pouring even more, because now I'm nervous and embarrassed. The bus driver is honking his horn at me, so I get the bike on the rack, and start to board the bus, only to find the bus driver telling me I have the bike in wrong, and I need to go out and put the front tire here, and pull out this lever here, and put over the back tire here. So I get off the bus, and mess with bike rack trying to get my bike on the rack correctly, and this takes me at least five minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I just kept imagining someone ~like me~ who has to be at an appointment in 10 minutes, but this stupid ass can't figure out the bike rack.
By the time I get the bike in the rack correctly, and am on the bus, and the bus is in motion in route to my destination I take a seat at the front of the bus. I read the bus clock, and realize I have five minutes to 9am. I'm fucked. That entire bus ride I swear we hit every single red light, and every person getting was a tourist who didn't know where the fuck they were going, and were at the front of the bus with a huge map open, blocking the other passengers who need to get on from getting on, and there is not a single thing I can do about it. Except watch as these tourist's get on and off the bus leisurely without a care in the world. At that moment the only good thing I could think of was that it was blazing hot outside, and those tourist who were going sight seeing were going to be in a world of heat stroke by noon.
The bus arrives at my stop at 9:20am. I'm 20 minutes late, and am terrified I won't get to dose because I missed this NA meeting. I ride my bike the four blocks from the bus stop to the clinic in record time, I locked up my bike, which was tricky, and made me even more pissy. Then again I pushed the elevator button, and waited, and waited. Finally I just run up the three flights of stairs, and down the hall to the waiting area, wear Kessa is seated talking on the phone. I motion to her to hurry it up, I'm in a hurry, I need to get into the NA group asap. She of course takes her gay old time on the phone, and gingerly hangs up the phone after a few laughs with her mate. She buzzes me in, and I grab my card, and ask her if I get to dose, and she yes! Now,*SIGH*! BUT, when your done doseing you have to go into the meeting and stay until its finished. By its a few minutes to 10am, the meeting is over at 11am.
I go get my dose, and then I walk to the meeting room, and no-one is in there, its smoke break. I tell myself to calm down, I'm here, I got my dose. I'll just go smoke a ciggy, a gallon of water to replace the water I lost while pouring sweat all morning. I walk slowly down a flight of stairs to the second level where the smoking area is just as everyone is going back to the meeting. Again I feel the rage build inside of me, but I tell myself I'm here I got my dose, I only have an hour to sit here, and its air conditioned in the meeting area. I ask Kessa to open the "kitchen" door, so I can buy a bottle of water. She does. I drink said water in two gulps. Suddenly I feel nauseous, and uh oh, BLAH...I vomit all that water I just drank all up and all over the table the meeting is set around. Everyone looks at me in disgusts.
After I puked, I felt light headed, and had to lie down, or my knees where going to give out. So one of the nurses comes and gets me, and gives me some water, and tells me this time take sips, don't slam it. She asks me if I'm on Ice, and that was the straw that broke the camels back.
Here I am at this NA meeting I was told I HAD to come to every Monday from now on, or else?, and today I pretty much had to push heaven and Earth to get here, and now the nurse is accusing me of being high on Ice.
I look that nose straight in the eyes, and scream, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME. You have no idea what I went through to get to this NA meeting this morning", and I go over the whole story to her, the whole while crying, because I'm so frustrated. The nurse lets me sit in the makeshift doctors office, with all the water I can drink, and in front of a vent blowing out cold air. While sitting in the Dr. office I can here the NA group break up early because I just puked all over the table, and it smells like vomit in there, and they need to get a janitor in there, and get it cleaned up.
At 11:30am I am told I have to leave, doseing hours are over. So I walk slowly to the elevator, and push the button, and I wait the five minutes for the elevator to climb three floors. I just wanted to stay in the air conditioned room. Then the elevator doors open, and I get in. The elevator is hot and stuffy, and it smells like a homeless shelter. Those of you have never slept at a homeless shelter and don't have the pleasure of knowing this smell, I will describe it to you. It smells like body Oder of 100s of people, dirty socks, dirty underwear, shit, piss, vomit, dog, cat, and bleach. The Oder is intensified by the heat and humidity. When the doors open to the ground floor I'm practally pulling at the doors to get them to open faster.
I walk over to wear my bike is, and struggle to unlock it. Its in a weird position, so I have it just right or the key won't turn. By the time I unlock the bike, I'm already a sweaty mess again. I get on the bike, put my purse in the basket, and instead of riding my bike back to the bus stop, I ride my bike the mile to...Chinatown...Fort St. Mall. I'm low on Benzo's and I'm hoping someone will be around. I get to the mall, and everyone I know is down there, looking for the same thing as I am. Plus one guy, who I met at the clinic, and his doctor cut his benzo script and I told him about Fort St. Mall. Suddenly he's on my ass to introduce him to the right people. He won't leave me alone. I'm not about to introduce this guy to someone who has, and leave me without. No way Jose'.
So this asshole is standing next to me, when one of my people come up to me and asks me what I need, and this fucking idiot tries to budge in and tell this person he has 10 bucks and would like to buy kpin. IDIOT. My person just ignores the idiot, and I walk away from both of them to a place where I'm alone, and finally my person comes up to me again, and I tell this person I have 60 bucks, and would like Xanax. Unfortunately this person only had 20 dollars worth, so I bought up those Xanax, and I hopped on my bike, and rode it to the bus stop five blocks away, and then caught the number 2 bus, put my bike in the rack, no problem this time, and went home. Where I treated myself to too many Xanax, and now I'm running low again.
Tuesday, I just did my usual routine, or walking Eleanor, reading, writing in my journal, walking Eleanor, fighting with my parents about whats going to happen when we leave July 20 something. My parents bought me a ticket to Wisconsin without even consulting me first. Not even on the date we are suppose to leave. So again, I take more benzo than I should to counteract the anger/rage that is building up in me, and I walk Elle one more time, and I go to bed at 8 o'clock.
Then there is today....so far it hasn't gotten any better than the last two days.
Such is life.