Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A bike ride in the sun on a Monday. What fun?

What's happening in Anna Grace land you ask? Well, well lets see, Monday was a pain in the ass. I got up early to go to the Methadone clinic, because I now have to attend a NA meeting at the clinic every Monday morning from 9am to 11am. If I don't go to these meetings, I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm sure something bad will happen. Anyway, I woke early but not early enough. I had no time to walk Elle, so I threw on some clothes, and ran out the door to get to the car. I get in the car, and put the key in the ignition and what do you know...the engine dosen't start. So being thinking it would start if I kept turning the key I kept turning the key until I realized it just wasn't going to happen. By now I only have a half hour to get to the clinic. So I walk the half block from where our car is parked, up the stairs to our lobby, and then push the button for the elevator. The elevator takes its time coming down, as if its trying to piss me off. Finally the door opens, and I get in and push my number. *Sigh*, but oh no, the fucking elevator stops at every floor to let people in on our ride up, so what normally is a 48 second ride up to the 14th floor, took 2 or 3 minutes. By now I'm not just peeved I'm fuming. I forgot to mention that it was 100+ degrees outside not including the humidity. Even our air conditioned apartment was hot because the damn sun shines directly into our living room in the morning.

I get to the my apartment, I through the keys at my dad, and shout, "the cars not starting, and I don't have time to tell you about it". I run into my room, grab my bike, and get the bike out of my room, whilst spilling the dogs water bowl, and food bowl everywhere, and Eleanor is barking like I'm leaving her alone at auschwitz. So I get my bike down the hall to the Elevator, and push the button, I wait another, what seemed like hour for the elevator to pick me up and bring down, and of course the elevator that stops for me is full, but I said fuck it, and I just rammed my bike in there, and ran over toes and whatever was in my way to get me and my bike down to the ground floor, so I can ride it to the bus stop. I saw the dirty looks everyone was giving me as we went down that elevator shaft. I didn't care, I was sweating like pig, sweat was getting in my eyes, and burning them. I didn't have a free hand to wipe the sweat away with so I just dripped my bodily fluids all over that damned elevator.

We get to the ground floor, and I'm the first off the elevator, and down the stairs to the sidewalk. I jump on my bike, but my purse in the basket, pull out my buss pass put it around my neck and ride my bike to closest bus stop that takes me straight to the Methadone clinic. The bus rolls up, and its time for me to put my bike on the front of the buss in the rack. I've never done this before, so here I'm standing in front of this bus, trying to figure out how to drop this bike rack, and the sweat is pouring even more, because now I'm nervous and embarrassed. The bus driver is honking his horn at me, so I get the bike on the rack, and start to board the bus, only to find the bus driver telling me I have the bike in wrong, and I need to go out and put the front tire here, and pull out this lever here, and put over the back tire here. So I get off the bus, and mess with bike rack trying to get my bike on the rack correctly, and this takes me at least five minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I just kept imagining someone ~like me~ who has to be at an appointment in 10 minutes, but this stupid ass can't figure out the bike rack.

By the time I get the bike in the rack correctly, and am on the bus, and the bus is in motion in route to my destination I take a seat at the front of the bus. I read the bus clock, and realize I have five minutes to 9am. I'm fucked. That entire bus ride I swear we hit every single red light, and every person getting was a tourist who didn't know where the fuck they were going, and were at the front of the bus with a huge map open, blocking the other passengers who need to get on from getting on, and there is not a single thing I can do about it. Except watch as these tourist's get on and off the bus leisurely without a care in the world. At that moment the only good thing I could think of was that it was blazing hot outside, and those tourist who were going sight seeing were going to be in a world of heat stroke by noon.

The bus arrives at my stop at 9:20am. I'm 20 minutes late, and am terrified I won't get to dose because I missed this NA meeting. I ride my bike the four blocks from the bus stop to the clinic in record time, I locked up my bike, which was tricky, and made me even more pissy. Then again I pushed the elevator button, and waited, and waited. Finally I just run up the three flights of stairs, and down the hall to the waiting area, wear Kessa is seated talking on the phone. I motion to her to hurry it up, I'm in a hurry, I need to get into the NA group asap. She of course takes her gay old time on the phone, and gingerly hangs up the phone after a few laughs with her mate. She buzzes me in, and I grab my card, and ask her if I get to dose, and she yes! Now,*SIGH*! BUT, when your done doseing you have to go into the meeting and stay until its finished. By its a few minutes to 10am, the meeting is over at 11am.

I go get my dose, and then I walk to the meeting room, and no-one is in there, its smoke break. I tell myself to calm down, I'm here, I got my dose. I'll just go smoke a ciggy, a gallon of water to replace the water I lost while pouring sweat all morning. I walk slowly down a flight of stairs to the second level where the smoking area is just as everyone is going back to the meeting. Again I feel the rage build inside of me, but I tell myself I'm here I got my dose, I only have an hour to sit here, and its air conditioned in the meeting area. I ask Kessa to open the "kitchen" door, so I can buy a bottle of water. She does. I drink said water in two gulps. Suddenly I feel nauseous, and uh oh, BLAH...I vomit all that water I just drank all up and all over the table the meeting is set around. Everyone looks at me in disgusts.

After I puked, I felt light headed, and had to lie down, or my knees where going to give out. So one of the nurses comes and gets me, and gives me some water, and tells me this time take sips, don't slam it. She asks me if I'm on Ice, and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

Here I am at this NA meeting I was told I HAD to come to every Monday from now on, or else?, and today I pretty much had to push heaven and Earth to get here, and now the nurse is accusing me of being high on Ice.

I look that nose straight in the eyes, and scream, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME. You have no idea what I went through to get to this NA meeting this morning", and I go over the whole story to her, the whole while crying, because I'm so frustrated. The nurse lets me sit in the makeshift doctors office, with all the water I can drink, and in front of a vent blowing out cold air. While sitting in the Dr. office I can here the NA group break up early because I just puked all over the table, and it smells like vomit in there, and they need to get a janitor in there, and get it cleaned up.

At 11:30am I am told I have to leave, doseing hours are over. So I walk slowly to the elevator, and push the button, and I wait the five minutes for the elevator to climb three floors. I just wanted to stay in the air conditioned room. Then the elevator doors open, and I get in. The elevator is hot and stuffy, and it smells like a homeless shelter. Those of you have never slept at a homeless shelter and don't have the pleasure of knowing this smell, I will describe it to you. It smells like body Oder of 100s of people, dirty socks, dirty underwear, shit, piss, vomit, dog, cat, and bleach. The Oder is intensified by the heat and humidity. When the doors open to the ground floor I'm practally pulling at the doors to get them to open faster.

I walk over to wear my bike is, and struggle to unlock it. Its in a weird position, so I have it just right or the key won't turn. By the time I unlock the bike, I'm already a sweaty mess again. I get on the bike, put my purse in the basket, and instead of riding my bike back to the bus stop, I ride my bike the mile to...Chinatown...Fort St. Mall. I'm low on Benzo's and I'm hoping someone will be around. I get to the mall, and everyone I know is down there, looking for the same thing as I am. Plus one guy, who I met at the clinic, and his doctor cut his benzo script and I told him about Fort St. Mall. Suddenly he's on my ass to introduce him to the right people. He won't leave me alone. I'm not about to introduce this guy to someone who has, and leave me without. No way Jose'.

So this asshole is standing next to me, when one of my people come up to me and asks me what I need, and this fucking idiot tries to budge in and tell this person he has 10 bucks and would like to buy kpin. IDIOT. My person just ignores the idiot, and I walk away from both of them to a place where I'm alone, and finally my person comes up to me again, and I tell this person I have 60 bucks, and would like Xanax. Unfortunately this person only had 20 dollars worth, so I bought up those Xanax, and I hopped on my bike, and rode it to the bus stop five blocks away, and then caught the number 2 bus, put my bike in the rack, no problem this time, and went home. Where I treated myself to too many Xanax, and now I'm running low again.

Tuesday, I just did my usual routine, or walking Eleanor, reading, writing in my journal, walking Eleanor, fighting with my parents about whats going to happen when we leave July 20 something. My parents bought me a ticket to Wisconsin without even consulting me first. Not even on the date we are suppose to leave. So again, I take more benzo than I should to counteract the anger/rage that is building up in me, and I walk Elle one more time, and I go to bed at 8 o'clock.

Then there is today....so far it hasn't gotten any better than the last two days.

Such is life.

7 comments:

kelly Al-Saleh said...

I think sweat comes with being on opiates as well. I'll be standing in the tube with sweat not just on my body but my face slick with it too and everybody else looks normal, like it's not hot at all!
I've found that to be the case regardless of opiate type; methadone, heroin or subutex.

Wow! Indoor smoking! How civilised. They've totally outlawed smoking indoors, not only that but any vague type of covering/shelter even if it's outside and the smoke blows away! I think it's to punish smokers when it rains or gets cold. Fascists! They're happy to pocket the huge tax we pay on our cigs though! If they're treating smokers like this what hope do other addicts have of any justice or understanding!?! Don't get me started, especially on people who do that pathetic fake coughing when your smoke is nowhere near them just cos they seen a ciggy in your hand. I feel like giving it to them and saying; 'here you go, this will clear your lungs out'. Those same people probably have several cars per household producing much more carbon monoxide than my miserable ciggy. Ah but that's different.

I take it you didn't puke up your dose as well?
I totally understand doing your stash in out of rage. I get like that and, like you, it's usually because someone has decided something for me or in some way taken my choices away. I may be an addict but it doesn't mean I'm a child. People seem to treat addicts like children all the time, ironic since what they're doing is an adult thing in the first place.

Ahh the hypocrisy!

Sorry not happy at mo. Are there no pals to hang out with or are they all out of bounds? You thought about what to study? How about doing a creative writing course or something like that English Lit maybe. I don't just mean to wait until you go back to college, what about evening classes, adult education. Put yourself out there. You put yourself down far too much and undeservedly so. You're building your own prison that way. have more faith sweetie.

pets are great. they love unconditionally and that's the only way to love (otherwise it isn't love, it's a transaction). I got my cat partly cos I wanted the responsibility and also for the company but mostly so I could have something to care for other than myself.

take care + chin up x kelly x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Wow, man. What a day, Anna. Somedays, you wish you never got out of bed. Everybody has them.

Hang in there.

Love,

SB

shananiganss said...

That sounds like a really rough day! 70 degrees here in GB! I just put my coat on to go smoke a cig :) I always wondered how those bike racks on buses worked...

AnnaGrace said...

Kelly AL-Saleh,

Where is your blog? I've been looking for it, and whenever I go to read it, it says this blog has been deleted. So if you still have a blog on blogger could you send me the address so I can catch up on your life?

This sweating from Methadone, and all opiates is really annoying. I asked my Dr. why I sweat so much, and he had no answer for me. I figure it because opiates have some connection to our bodies cooling system. Think about it when you get dope sick, you hot one minutes cold the next, you sweating when your cold, yet you don't have a fever. It must mess with the internal heating system.

AS for smoking indoors...we are banished to the second floor because there is an open parking lot up there, and we must smoke in the parking lot, 40 feet away from the building.
You are right about the fact that we are far from drugs being legalized or even decriminalized here in America. Mainly because people believe everything their doctor tells them, and everything the news tells them. I even fall under this catigory, I hate it when all three of us, me, mom, and dad are smoking while Eleanor is in the room with her little lungs. Then again people have been smoking for thousands of years, and just now everyone is dying because of second hand smoke.

I've encountered the pathetic fake coughing when smoking no where near a non smoker. We were standing outside waiting for the bus, and she asks me to move away from her with my ciggerett. I was like hell no, I'm outside I have the right to smoke where ever I please, and if you don't like it you can move yourself.
I wasn't as mean as I made it sound just now, but I was very harsh with the lady who was like 22 or something, just a few years younger than I.

I did puke up my dose, but the nurse let me dose again. Since I vomited in front of everyone, and only 20 minutes after taking the methadone, maybe even less time than that, so the nurse took pity on me, and let me dose again. Thank GOD!~

Nice to hear from you.
All my love
AG
XXX

AnnaGrace said...

SB,

Monday was a hellish day, and I thought it couldn't get worse than that, but it did. My parents went and bought me a ticket to our homestate without even consulting me on the date or anything, when they knew I already had bought a ticket to Seattle for Aug 1st.

I'm thinking I have to run away. I'm 26, and I have to fucking run away. WTF!!! Its not even running away, I'm just not moving with them. They can't call the police and make me come home, I'm an adult and can leave whenever I want, and go where ever I want.

I hate to do this to mom and pops, but they need to learn that they can't just buy me a plane ticket without even consulting me on when I will be leaving, I don't have enough time to get my Bi Polar meds in order, and I don't have enough time to finish my Social Security Disabilty Insurance stuff.
The one thing that would keep me from taking off, is Eleanor. Elle can feel the anger, and fear in me, and she wouldn't be happy, because we wouldn't have a routine set up right away, like she likes.

I think my parents can take care of her until I get settled, and I'm ...fuck it I'm going to stop now, and just write a blog about it later. Way too much to say.

Thanks SB,
All my love
AG
XXX

AnnaGrace said...

Shanon,(did I spell that right?),

Nice to hear from you. I thought you stopped reading my blog. Then again on blogger you never know how many people read you blog in a day. I wish they had a counter, but they don't.

70 degrees, sounds like heaven to me. Fall in the midwest will be wonderfull. Fall on the mainland will be wonderfull. I haven't seen a fall on the mainland in two years. this fall I'm going to be going for alot of walks in the woods, and helping me dad with the horses.

Wow, I go from one comment about how pissed I am that my parents bought me a ticket to leave with them, when they know that I already bought my own ticket to Seattle, and had all my things in order to register for fall classes at Seattle Central Community College.
I still might just take my flight, and "runaway". Pathetic I know, I have to run away and I'm 26, not really running away, but taking off without my parents. I'll still talk to them I just won't be in the same state as them.

If I do go home with my parents I will be moving to southren WI, and going to a community college down there full time so I can get into Evergreen University in Olympia WA, asap. Its one of the best schools for a English Lit major.

I email Jenny, and she didn't email me back. I wonder if she just doesn't like me anymore, or if I said something in the email to piss her off. I'm thinking of emailing her again, but if she doesn't want to hear from me what can I do. Move on I guess.

It would be nice hear about whats going on with you. Send me an e-mail when you have time.

All my love,
AG
XXX

sKILLz said...

Yo that was a fucking day fo sho!
Bike racks on the bus? That is too cool. Here in NY you are not allowed to have bikes on the bus, only train, and a train that has room. Don't you DARE look to bring a bike on in the morning or rush hour!

Yo the clinics here will not let you get in the door if you are more then 2minutes late.
Once closing time comes around they stand outside to see if anyone is running or whatever and as soon as the time comes the door is locked.
The ONLY time they will let someone come in is if the person is like a super cripple, and even then I have seen them turn people away.

Smoking inside is cool, you can not smoke inside here anywhere.
Not bars, clubs, or meetings.

That dude needs to find his own connect. I hate when people think that just because we are on the same clinic that were cool or something.
Fuck that shit!
Again I think you need to have a serious talk with your parents!
6/20 is around the corner!
Stay Up!