Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Its as done as its gonna get. Beeaatch.

So here is how it all happened. It was a Tuesday morning, and I had made my down to Fort Street mall. I had 30 some dollars in my pocket, but I didn't need, need to buy, I was ambivaliant to any sort of purchase. It was only 8ish in the morning, and it was already 86 degrees, and the air thick with humidity. Every pillhead that happens around Fort St. was in the mall that morning. There was some sort of electricity in all of us. Xanax bars have not been seen around anywhere in over three weeks. Something happened to the flow of Xanax bars, even Xanax footballs. All of us were in a frenzy when we saw someone who normally is selling Xanax, we all tried to be the first to get to them, and the first to ask if they were holding. Only to hear, "No benzo's, not for at least a week". I had given up following the crowds towards the potential dealers.

I did see one of my friends sell half of his own perscription which is 30 Xanax 1mg which usually go for a dollar a peice, and he sold the 1mg Xanax for 3 dollars a peice. That is how desperate benzo addicts are at this point. After seeing my freind make this sale, I decided to take a seat, but in the mall if you have not bought anything from one of the resturantes you are not allowed to sit at a table. So either you go all the way down to the end of Fort St. where all the college students hang out, or you can sit on the fire hydrant, (I know your thinking how can a fire hydrant be comfortable, but your thinking of a fire hydrant on the side of the road, the fire hydrants in Fort St. are shaped like a T, and fit two people.) I opted the fire hydrant just to watch everyone scramble looking for someone selling benzos.

It just so happened that a lady I've knowen for a while came walking past, and saw me sitting alone watching everyone. So she took a seat next to me, and right away I could tell she was jacked out of her mind on gak, aka Crystal Meth. I just happened to ask her if she had any benzo's. Tweekers always have benzo's to bring them down. So she tells me she does have benzos, but its not Xanax, or Valium, it is Lorazapam 1mg, and she would sell me 10 for 10 dollars. I took the deal.

Remember she is tweeking, and doing everything in fast forward. She couldn't find the bag she kept the pills in, and I point out that her baggy is right here hanging out of her back pack. I put the ten dollars in her pocket and I take the ten pills. I give two away to the crowed that had sniffed us out, I always do this. Give someone sick a pill for free, I never get them back. Oh well, I hope someday it will be payed forward.

Then without even looking at the pill closely, as I usually do I swalloed the 8 pills I had left. Normally I would look closely because Lorazapam's are white little pills, almost identical to Hydromorphone, and Fenegren. I should have looked closely, but there was a crowd of pill heads all around me, and three uniforms walking past, so I put them in my mouth and took a huge drink of water. I didn't want to get have pills on me, because I planned on staying in the mall for a few more hours, just to get the fuck out. After taking all 8 pills, one of the people I gave one of the pills to, looked closely at the pill, and realized it was Fenegren. Fenegren is a pill used to stop nasuea, but when you take within fifteen minutes of your Methadone it causes the Methadone to metobolize diffrently. Probably faster, plus I had taken one of my Xanax bars I brought from home.

When you mix two Fenegren, one, 1mg of Xanax, and your Methadone, you get loaded. I had just taken 8 of these pills with my Methadone, and with a Xanax bar. When I realized what I had done, I went around to every junky I know and asked if I'm going to OD. They said, "depends on your tolerance". I have a high tolerance, and I've mixed Fenegren, Xanax, and Methadone before, and it is the closest way to get the high Heroin gives you. Of course it takes 20 mintues to 30 minutes to take hold, so I had time to get on the bus and get my fat ass home, and lay down, and try to sleep it off.

Of course when I got home my parents wanted to talk, and right away they could tell I was high. My speech slurred, I nodded out mid sentence, and did nodded out walking to my bedroom. I would be in the middle of talking and forget what the fuck I was talking about. Fenegren really fucks with your short term memory. That morning I had to go to the dentist to get fillings, which was the reason I was downtown so early, so I told ma and pa that I asked for Nitro Oxide, but instead he gave me a Lorazapam, the generic name for Adavan.

My father was so fucking pissed, and banished me from his sight. He didn't have enough money to go to the bar, so I went into my room with the computer, and tried to blog. It took me an hour to get online, then 20 minutes to get on blogger. I finally got on blogger, and got out maybe a paragrah in two hours, every now and again picking my head up off the key board, after nodding. My parents took my smokes away, because they were afraid I would start a fire, or burn myself up. Little did they know I had a pack in my room tucked away behind all my journals, and I had matches in my drawer. I started to smoke, and woke up later to find I had burned my shirt. Not just a little hole, but a huge hole in the middle. Lucky I was wearing two shirts.

I wound up high for two full days. My dad was disgusted at just the sight of me. As for myself, I have no fucking clue. I just enjoyed the high as much as I could with my dad there on my ass.

I must stop now. I=toree/ ;;; o'


Gledwood said...

By "mall cops" you mean private security guards, right?

And have they really the right to order you 100ft away from the buildings b4 you smoke?


It was only 5 years ago you could still drift around with a fag on in our local mall (not in the shops though)...

About 20 years ago you could still drift around many British shops smoking...

About 30 years ago you could smoke on all buses and trains and London Underground trains had special smoking carriages in the middle.

Bring back smoking in public places... it has decimated the UK bar/pub industry yet they were promised things would go back to normal after an initial dip. They haven't and I like many other people wouldn't even consider drinking in a bar for any longer than half an hour if I couldn't go out for cig...

AnnaGrace said...

Yes, Mall cops have the right to make you move 100ft away from any building.

I know...its beyond ridiculous. People used to be able to smoke on airplanes, now you can't even light up in a bar.

They know they can do this to us because we are addicts and wil a

Anonymous said...

How sad and scary to slug down a bunch of pills when you don't even know what they are.

Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for you. You really can't help yourself.
Such a sad waste of your 20's.
You have life and health and intelligence...and chose to try
to self destruct. You poor misguided girl.

AnnaGrace said...

I really am wasting my 20's. I do have life, health, and I can read, and write, along with some math.

Misguided, I don't know. I've been guided by my family, a family who would do anything for me. Enableing me, I guess.

Research shows that it is around the age 50 that opiate addicts want, I mean REALLY WANT to get clean.

50's, can you fucking belive that. I'm 26, my doctor told me he can't see me living past 40. Will I ever get over the grip opioids have over me and my life?

I certinly hope so.
I hope I find the right medications to stop the manic depressions, and the manic happiness.