Sunday, June 14, 2009

WWKD............GET IT!

I wonder what Kurt would think of the people who have all his records, and all the books on Nirvana, and the Biography of Kurt Cobain. I wonder what Kurt would think of all the people who used Heroin because it was a glamours punk rock drug, when this person is furthest thing from glamours, or punk rock.

I've been a fan of Nirvana since I was 13, at the beginning of puberty. Could the music I listened to during this time, and the hero worship I felt towards the late great Kurt Cobain, and his widowed wife Courtney Love Cobain have brought this depression down on me. What if my hero was Cher, would I still be a Bi Polar Heroin addict?

Most likely I would be an addict since everyone else in my family is an addict. Me and Angie were allowed to drink since we 14 or 15, and my parents condoned it, and even laughed at us when we came home at 3am drunk. I moved in with a 20 year old guy at the age of 15, what the fuck were my parents thinking. I was the black sheep of the family, and I'm sure mom and dad felt they had to walk around on egg shells around me, but still letting a 15 year old live with a 20 year old. Oh how I wish that 20 year old had better taste in music. His favorite band was Pantera. I'm not dissing Pantera, but it so typical of a 20 year old. I wish he was into underground music, and would have introduced me to it.

As far as being depressed since 7 years old, after watching my dad try to commit suicide while I sat on the top of the hill and watched, bending a spoon back and forth. This happened the day after my father found his father had killed himself in our garage. Good ol' carbon monoxide. Did I spell that right or is it Carbon dioxide? Whatever he inhaled the exhaust of gasoline combustion engine, and died.

Soon after that scene, my friends at school where being mean to me, and I tried to swallow a plastic bag to kill myself. Obviously it didn't work. I'm still here. Non of my attempts worked...yet.

Who knows, I might decide suicide is stupid, and I hate my grandpa for doing that to us, and I hate Kurt Cobain for doing that to his family, and to his fans. They should have just let him have his drugs, because tough love doesn't work. Its bullshit. We all know where I got that from. LOL!

So if Kurt could be alive today...never having been famous, and there was someone else in his position would he still have offed himself, or would he have lived, and thought that rock star was an idiot.

I hate life. There are so few days I feel happy, that its not worth it. Not to me. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Love and lust. I hate myself and want to die. I hate my idol, and wish he were alive. conundrum right?


Kat Skratch said...

Idols are interesting. One of mine was a heroin addict as well... Nikki Sixx.
Don't off yourself love. :) I enjoy reading your posts and maybe some day meet you here in Washington!

Hope you're well. Better anyway. :)

Sending brilliance your way


Anonymous said...

Kat Skratch,

Thanks for sending brilliance my way.

I've still never read the Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx. I've been told its a great book. You know what, I'm gonna go to the libary tomorrow or the next day and rent the book.

Kill your hero's, but mine is already dead. So I'm going to kill him in my head. NO more hero's. I'm my own hero. Its all about me...right?


I do hope to meet you too in Washinton. Fate could bring us together, or not. I'm going where the wind takes me. Hopefully it takes me to some overpriced coffee shop in Seattle to meet you.


sydney_savage said...

Anna you are too funny, I loled at that overpriced coffee shop line.

I am seattle as well, perhaps one day we too will meet.

Anonymous said...

with all your tries you're still here. doesn't that tell you something?