Saturday, July 4, 2009

Forget this post

I got out of the apartment this morning. At around 9am it was time to take Eleanor for her morning walk. As I made my way down the steps and onto the sidewalk I smelled the stench of Fourth of July, and the stink of the tourist who are already carrying their lawnchairs to Magic Island for the fire works which are schedualed for 9pm tonight. The Japanese who don't speak a lick of English are walking towards Ala Moana Blvd in order to get good seats to see Fireworks shot up into the air celerbrating Independance day. Did I mention that every fucking Friday here in Waikiki there are Fireworks, every Friday. The 4th of July fireworks don't even compare to the fireworks that went off New Years at exactly midnight

New Years I was alone in the apartment, and waiting for my dad to come home from the bar, my mom at work. My dad got home around 10pm, and was passed out by 10:05pm. I stayed awake to watch the ball drop, even though it had happened 5 hours ago in New York. When it was shown here in Hawaii, and I could hear that song old angzine, and then suddenly explosions on all sides of the building. Huge fireworks over the ocean, huge fireworks up in the hills, and then fireworks being set off by everyone who had one in their hand at the time. It so loud it was defening. It sounded as if there was an air raid over the island. BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,BOOM, and yet my father slept through it. I tried to wake him to show him a sight to be seen, but he was passed out beyond awaking. I was lonely on New Years, but I must admit I was amazed by the noise, and colors, and people in the middle of the street kissing, while I watched 14 floors above, alone but for Eleanor. Who didn't even wince at the fireworks. which surprised me.

I miss a Wisconsin Fourth of July, I miss the corn feilds. There is a saying in Wisconsin that the corn will be knee high by the fourth of july, which means a crop is growing right on schedual. I miss the smell of real fresh air. I miss the fat ugly people just like me. I miss this even knowing that when I get back to Wisconsin I will want to leave within the month. It seems I have an urge to move, I hate the fact that my parents move, but their possesions own them they don't own their possesions. I on the other hand have very few possions. Clothing, hopefully this laptop, and books. A few books I like to read over and over. One is Heavier than Heaven, and the other Junky by William S. Burroughs. Shows my growth huh? I'm reading fac-to-tum by Charles Burkowski. I've read Women, and the way he objectifies women in all his writing, but I get over it. We are all just objects to each other. A man passes me on the street and I judge him, ugly, handsom, too many zits, a googly eye, perfect hair, tight jeans showing off his package, a package I might want to slip my sloppy pussy on. He's just and object when I don't know him, and even if I do know him, but only a bit, still an object. Perhaps I'm harsh, cold. I know I'm a control freak, but when I'm alone I can't control, and I feel free.

I read a blog and I judge. You read a blog and you judge. If your read me you will judge, wonder where I got that from. Fuck hating that book, hating that person, but that person isn't alive.

Speaking of Kurt Cobain, their is this English actor named Joe Anderson whom looks almost identical to him. Same blue eyes, same blonde hair, and the same shaped face, but I'm willing to bet he's not like Kurt. Fist off this Joe Anderson has the same bithday as my sister Angie who passed away aka was killed in a car accident July 19 when she was 19. Her birthday was March 26, 1984. I think he was born in 1982, which makes him 27 the same age Kurt killed himself. So now we get to watch this actor age, to see what Kurt would look like at age 35 or age 40, even 75. Something about the way Kurt and this Anderson guy look is engrained in my mind. I want it out of my mind. This Joe Anderson was in an IFC film called The 27 curse, but its not about Kurt, it just has a guy who looks almost identical to Kurt in it.

They say we all have an identical out there. Hmm, I wonder if Joe Anderson came from the same stock, in some form has the same genes has Kurt had? I wish to see my identical. They say we never see ourselves as others see us. Very true for me. I'm fat, but my parents tell my I'm huge and I just don't see huge until I turn to the side, and see my stomach, and ass. I see myself as I was in 7th grade, my face hadn't grown into its adult form, and I looked ugly. If I find a photo when I get back to Wisco for a few weeks, I will post a photo of myself at age 12 or 13. I felt stupid, ugly, and needed to have sex. I wanted to get rid of my virginty as fast as possiable. Which I did. At 13 I had sex with a guy who took my roller blades and told me I had to have sex with him to get them back. I had a crush on him, so I was glad to. It hurt a bit, and I bled a lot.

I'm done now, I've yet again veer way off track. I must keep my writing in order. My thoughts in order to put down in order.
Forget this please.

1 comment:

Deedee said...

Hey I just typed a whole page to you after clicking the reply button but I didn't have a google name so it got erased. Anyway I never talk or write to anyone online. I use my computer to look stuff up ( not porn ) I am a 24/f from Mass and I came across your webpage while looking up methadone withdrawal. I have been on the methadone clinic for 5 years. I got up to 155mg course I was strung out when I first got there I was also 90lbs. I have gained like 50lbs in the 5years I have been there and I am now at 13mg I am taking it slow. Anyway the point to all this is that everyone has problems and goes thought those hard times in life. I guess I will share the hardest thing I ever went through and am still going through happened like 3 months ago April 26, 2009 my boyfriend David 31, who I have been with for 7 years commit suicide in our appartment. He had a work accident back in 2006 which disabled him from his ironworking job that was his passion and something he worked hard at. Since then he never fully recovered and always was in pain. He could not deal with the fact that he could not put on his work boots everyday and go to work. He was going crazy in the house. I know I did all I could to take care of him after his accident but I still feel like it's my fault.He was truly my best friend, a hard worker, smart, and the person I thought I was going to grow old with. Together we struggled with addiction, homelessness, and all those wonderful things that go along with drug abuse. We have always been together no matter what though. We have lived with his family, my family, hotels, even lived in the car for a few months. if you can stand living in a car with someone god bless ya. Anyway my point is that I am going through my tradgedy and I think that no one else is having as hard of a time as me but I know there is people out there that are. Sometimes it's your day and sometimes it isn't. It is a really good thing that you can write about it though. My counselor says I should do that but I don't I am just having such a hard time right now anyway thanks for listening and sharing. Hope everything gets better for you.You can e-mail me if you want at: deedee426@live.com --Deedee-MA