Wednesday, February 24, 2010

dream about Marty and other assorted things.

I'm at my wits end with my father. He is such a fucking hypocrite. He takes 3 Percocets and clonazepam a day. He is prescribed these drugs for an old back injury he received in the service. Someone in my dad's place is the last person to be questioning me if I'm taking his Percocets. No dad I am not taking any of your medication.
I'm on 100 mgs of Methadone, Percocets would do nothing to me. I would not get high. The Methadone does make me sleepy(god I wish I had a I don't)and I sleep from 11am to four or five. Every afternoon I get up and my father is on my case about being high. Every time he doles out his pills he swears up and down that some are missing. I just want to smash my dear fathers face in. In my fathers defence I've never seen him nod out. But he drinks like a fish.

Today my Mom, and Dad drove me the Methadone clinic this morning so they could go grocery store. I've just found out that my insurance pays back the gas mileage I use driving from Oconto Falls to Green Bay every fucking day. Tomorrow I find out if my insurance covers my Methadone dose. Oh God would that be a saving grace. I pay my parents my entire SSI check every month and give them all my food stamps, but they still complain about paying for the Methadone.

You know what, I want off the Methadone. I want to be awake during the day, I want to be able to read for longer than an hour or two a day. I'm sick of always craving sweets, and always eating sweets making me fatter and fatter. I'm just so so so so afraid I would relapse and hurt my parents again and again with my drug use. I want to move back to Hawaii or over to Washington State, and be far away so as they wouldn't be able to see what I am doing. I want to get high. Those are the worst words that I could possibly tap out.

Today on our way home I blurted out that I really want to drive the jeep into a tree. My dad yells at me when I say things like this, as if his yelling at me makes me feel so much better, and my mom just chalks it up to her anti depressants aren't working.

I had this dream last night about a kid I went to school with. Now he is a man, but when I knew him or of him he was a kid, so in my mind I think of him as a kid. In this dream I met up with him in a bar and for some reason he just started trying to jump my bones. (I'm a girl and don't have any "bones" to jump.)I kept saying you and your wife just had a child, and I have no libido on Methadone, and this is just not the right thing to do. Still he was relentless, and somehow we ended up at what in my dream was his childhood house. In that house we started to talk about books, and writing, and suddenly I wanted to have sex with him, but he was telling me he has a wife and just had a child, and this was wrong. Then I woke up confused. WTF did that dream mean.

I've made up mind, I'm not leaving this house for any other reason than to go to the clinic, and to run to the gas station every now and again. Plus I'm going on Nurti System.

Sorry so scattered.


Gledwood said...

Does methadone really makes you crave sweets? I get obscene carb cravings all the time. I am always at the Doritos. I hate methadone. Yesterday I put down what I hate about the clinics. Speedballs are horrible. it took me such a long time to get over that little habit... more than 2 years from deciding to stop to cutting down to once a week to actually stopping all together... Nasty business.

"I've made up mind, I'm not leaving this house for any other reason than to go to the clinic"...

I wish I could do that. I absolutely hate going outside. I have a fantasy about having £100,000,000 so I can live inside a giant castle, which will have a separate room for every distinct purpose ~ ie a music room, a library, a study, a TV room, a projection room, a ballroom etc etc etc. I will get everything delivered and never ever ever go outside ever again. If only!

Sorry I haven't been by for ages. I never have enough computer time and cannot think in the 30-minute boxes internet cafes want me to fit into. Take care of yourself and take it easy


marty 144 said...

Well, I'm flattered to be in your dream world. What does it mean....wanna go get a drink? hahaha. Glad to see you're back blogging, I still read them all even though I've been at a literary stand-still.


Gledwood said...

Yeah I gotta start playing the lottery again. We have a Euromillions lottery that hits a hundred million euros every few weeks, so I'm getting tickets for that, haha!!