Friday, February 26, 2010

Journal March 20th 2008

I could never write something as beautiful as Mad World. I find that kind of sad. Truth be told I'm scared to write my true, true thoughts. I'm scared to write anything really! Its that time of year again soon it will be the exact day a year ago, the day I don't dare mention. The day my sister was born. The day, the day, I know what day. The day I wish to never return.

I find my life at this moment peaceful. Not happy, not sad, but bearable. I am 25 years old. I have no friends that are human. I do have parents with whom I live. I do have a routine with which I am comfortable.

I am a drug addict. I haven't used since November 2007. I am on Methadone Matience. This drug works well for me. Without it I go insane. Without it emotions hit me so hard that the air is knocked out of my lungs, and I cannot breath. With it I am comfortably numb. Perfectly complacent. I have no desire for relationships...with anyone. I have no desire for sex. I feel as though I can live on candy bars and sunshine. Its as close to childhood as my adult body can go. I miss childhood so much. How something new is around every coner. I miss the way cold dry air smells, or how the stars in the sky could be so close yet so very far.

I love the way my parents love me no matter how horriable I really am. No matter how many times I break their hearts. I love feeling safe. Safe enough not to wear a mask. Safe from the monsters under my bed, even the devil in my head.

I can't be so introspective, I feel unbearably vunerable. If I pour myself out like ink from my pen, onto this paper I become nothing more than a puddle. So dark and shallow, and sad, really sad. I will end up driving myself mad.
As sure as the night will end I worry that I will never write again.
~Anna Grace~

Nothing really changes here in Anna land. The only thing that has changed is I used again in 2009 sometime. Fuck I used in 2010, who am I kidding. Not much, but fuck I did once. Not Heroin, god no, I wish. No I don't wish. I wish I worked at Dunder Mifflen paper company in Scranton Pensylvania. At The Office.

1 comment:

Barbara said...

I wish I worked there too, with you.

(I listen to Mad World every night when I go to bed on repeat on my iPod. Adam Lambert version. I am not sure what that says about me, but it soothes me.